Even though I was learning that the “dark night of the soul” was a common experience, it was still not pleasant to go through. I was making progress in recovery for sure, but still suffering under extreme guilt and condemnation. For the next 2-3 years, I went through varying levels of depression and confusion. As a Junior in college, my depression became severe enough to prompt me to see a psychologist.
I remember my intake session. It was the first time I had ever been to a counselor and I was asked to just describe my problem – what I was feeling, what I had experienced, etc. Even though it was 2-3 years after the Honor Academy, I was crying profusely as I recounted my experience. I felt so stupid that it still bothered me so much even after all that time.
Then, I heard probably the most healing sentence I have ever heard in my entire life. After I finished, the counselor just looked at me with understanding and said, “If I went through that, I would be depressed too.”
It was a total paradigm shift for me. You mean, it’s normal to feel this way? It’s ok to have these negative feelings? I am not wrong, bad, or backslidden for feeling this way??
I couldn’t believe it.
That was a huge leap in my journey of healing.
Now, this might sound obvious to you if you’ve never been to Teen Mania. But,it was incredibly revolutionary to me. When you’ve lived within the culture of Teen Mania’s self-help, blame the victim mentality – you’ve so internalized it that you can’t imagine anything else.
Even as I look back now, I remember how suprising it was to hear that, how healing it was to be accepted for who I was and have my feelings acknowledged instead of looked down on.
And that is one of the biggest reasons I started this blog. I want other alumni to know they are not alone. They are not wrong or bad. They are normal. Because you can’t really experience recovery until you realize you are not at fault. Until you feel accepted by the Lord, and not shunned, you are stuck in the cycle of guilt, fear, and depression.
9 comments:
i think one of the biggest struggles in post-TM life is almost a form of stockholm syndrome–i know that i’m dealing with multiple areas in life in which the honor academy has affected me [both good and bad]…but i’m still making excuses for and not wanting to see blame placed on the organization itself or its leadership.
the problem comes full circle, of course, when in making excuses, it becomes necessary to find some causation for the things that i’m thinking and feeling–and if the cause isn’t TM, then God or myself are the only options left to blame.
In either option, my view of myself, my view of God, and ultimately my view of Christianity become severely distorted…and yet, try as i might, i still can’t bring myself to say “yes, my time at the honor academy has caused my spiritual life a good deal of damage.”
That is an incredibly insightful comment and very well articulated.
I’ve actually had a post sitting in my draft folder titled “Stockholm Syndrome” for weeks that I haven’t fully fleshed out yet. I too felt it was wrong or bad to criticize anything or anyone at TM for the longest time….And I would even defend the same methods that had hurt me.
I’m confused as to why the Honor Academy is to blame for your Desert season with the Lord. Yes, it is something that people experience. I’ve experienced it at the Honor Academy. The staff and advisors I know pulled me in closer, loved on me, appreciated me, held me… you make it sound like you had no one, when that’s not true. As a Core Advisor you had your Dorm Director, your manager, fellow GI’s…
You can choose to throw your anger and bitterness onto TM, but that is not going to make you feel better forever.
I’m not blaming them for the desert season – I am blaming them for telling me I was backslidden because I was experiencing it. I am blaming them for telling me that my desert experience meant that I must be in sin or that I was not trying hard enough to serve God. And, unfortunately, I had no one to walk me thru it. I’m glad your experience was different.
Woah!! Anon #1, I agree with RA; that is such a perfect analogy. Even still, I have an extremely difficult time admitting that TM is flawed (as soon as my friends point out something that sounded “nazi” to them, I immediately reprimanded them, and even found myself thinking “well if they were REAL christians they would understand…”).
Of course, they were using the term “nazi” very loosely, and said friends truly were indifferent in their walk, but still.
And Anon #2, unfortunately that is the exact same attitude that RA is talking about. There are so many alumni (myself included) that write off people’s laments with the HA as “selfish”, “bitter”, etc…
But offer nothing productive to say. How cold can you be? At least Mr Hasz expresses his grief when he sees how interns have been hurt by the HA, even if the damage-in-question wasn’t his fault at all.
“Then, I heard probably the most healing sentence I have ever heard in my entire life.”
Shouldn’t God have delivered you the most healing sentence of your life? I mean, he died for your salvation and suffered brutally for your healing (Is. 53:5) Where are you placing your trust? In God or in man?
God speaks through people….you really didn’t know that?
RA, you’re wrong. God speaks through TEEN MANIA, not actual real people.
Jeeeeeeez.
In 1 Peter chapter 3 it talks about how the spirit of Jesus spoke through Noah to all those people back then. One example of God speaking through people hope that helps