Summer Camps
I worked in the Summer Camps department which at the time was a subdivision of the Honor Academy. Erin, my superior, didn’t like me from the beginning, which she made clear by being overtly irritated by my presence. Halfway through the year she openly told me that she didn’t like me. Summer Camps was a relatively new program. We had very few leads and no database to work from. There was little to nothing for us to do and my direct intern supervisor did nothing all day. At the end of the first semester Erin actually apologized to us for wasting our time. When the semester changed so did my direct leadership. Now we were getting the whip! I wasn’t fast enough on the phones, I talked too long to some people, I didn’t call enough people, I called too many people.
One day everything was going well with many good calls and lots of commits. It was an amazing feeling. The next day my menstruation began making me exhausted, crampy, and teary. My boss pulled me aside and accused me of lying on my worksheet from the previous day. I could not contain myself. I flat out told HIM that I was bleeding in full swing and that I could hardly function at all, but that I was at work because there was no grace for being a woman. He was extremely embarrassed and sent me home. I felt like my work for the company was more important than my physical wellbeing, to them I was a calling machine.
My boss assigned a female undergraduate intern to sit next to me at work, and comment on everything I did throughout the day. She would write down corrections for me to make on my calls and would actually TELL me what to say WHILE I was on the phone. I have a playful personality. My charisma and leadership skills were seen as a challenge with this intern because she didn’t feel like the leader with me around. This was more reason to demean me. This adversarial relationship was cause for many tears. A coworker/intern who sat next to me would often apologize to me for what she was doing. He always told me what God thought of me and told me I was a good person. My ministry placement would have been unbearable if it were not for his encouragement.
I was originally excited about working in Summer Camps because I would be able to meet the youth and be outdoors in the summer. The entire Summer Camp staff was trained in the outdoors facilities BUT me, it was my punishment for not having office skills.
Graduation
The day before graduation something very strange happened with my CA. She was very sweet and I admired her. She said she had a few things to talk to me about, and I was happy that we would be able to spend some time together before graduation, I thought we‘d have a tearful farewell. I was very wrong. She opened our time together saying she had spoken to some others in our core, and they were concerned about things in my life. She had in her hand an 8 page list of my flaws which she proceeded to read to me. I was speechless. She gave me the list to take home with me. The next day I put on my pretty dress and received my certificate all while feeling: worthless, undeserving, and unable to amount to anything. The only way to make it through was to pretend like that confrontation didn’t happen.
Roman Catholic Me
I am a Roman Catholic Christian. Teachers at the Honor Academy taught that the Catholic Church preaches a works based gospel. Catholics are trying to earn their salvation! It was the topic of many conversations throughout the year. I believe that my salvation comes through the grace of Jesus and yet I got attacked pretty hard when I was less than “perfect”. Confession was belittled, but I never once had a Catholic priest attack me in the confessional as my leaders at the Honor Academy did. I watched many things that although they were heralded as poor Catholic theology, were lived out on the Teen Mania campus.
Crushed in Spirit
After being beaten down for an entire year I wanted to talk to somebody, yet we had committed to not speak negatively about Teen Mania and it‘s members. I kept many of these things in the recesses of my heart and would share them with my closest friends in a hushed tone hoping nobody would find out. In fact even now when I recount the things that happened that year I feel like I’m being bad for talking about it! I realize just how powerful those top secret meetings were. I am certain many intern alumni have shared similar experiences as myself yet are too afraid to ever speak of them, because they have buried the abuses deep within their psyche and won’t allow themselves to believe that anything negative happened. I have heard horrendous stories of shaming and silence in which the intern feels so humiliated that they are afraid to ever confront it.
The Pressurized Gospel
Eventually I married an intern alumnus. We are blessed to have a baby, and we are working diligently to overcome perfectionism. As a result of the teaching at Teen Mania my husband feels crushing guilt because he longs to be a farmer. Since that is not directly working with the salvation of souls he feels like he might not be in God’s will. There is an unnecessary pressure for every intern to be somehow overtly productive for the kingdom of God, ie: a high profile position, so that many people could be influenced. I didn’t hear anyone acknowledge that blue collar workers have a place in the kingdom of God.
Family life was not addressed realistically. Many women alumni do in fact marry, and feel like their vocation is not worthwhile because they are not doing something that is in the public and that is praised. My CA was embarrassed to admit that her vision was to get married and have children, and because those dreams were not “strategic or international,” she felt it was a small goal. What a shame. A mother has incredible influence on her children, and a father on his family’s view of God the Father.
Depression
Many years later I started counseling and discovered that I had been depressed for 18years. I didn’t know this about myself while I was at the Honor Academy, which is a great travesty to me. There are so many walking wounded who come there and the response is generic and non-specialized. Dave said that the HA wasn’t for those who were emotionally messed up, and yet I don’t know a single person who isn’t emotionally messed up, especially teenagers. There is so much potential for the HA to help young adults walk through their wounds and come out on the other side whole. Instead it’s assumed if you have any problems you are dysfunctional and rebellious, and that if you haven’t been healed yet it’s your fault. There’s no gentleness, sweetness, or patient encouragement.
Why was everything said in a defensive tone? Why was there so little empathy and understanding? I don’t understand how so much anger and intensity could be appropriately tied up to the ministry of evangelization. My mental, emotional and spiritual well being was sacrificed on the altar of getting other people the good news. It is an incredible waste of such a fertile environment and time in a young person’s life to pass such judgment and harshness instead of compassion and encouragement. The most calm and gentle natured Christians I met while at TMM were from the YWAM base. They seemed to have such an amazing understanding of God’s grace.
Later I went to a Catholic Bible School that took serious time explaining the love of God the Father and the appropriation of the work of the cross. I learned so much about God’s nature: 1) He wants to build me 2) He isn’t harsh and judgmental with me when I fall short 3) He is merciful and generous 4) His kindness leads me to repentance 5) I don’t have to be “strong” all the time because He is trustworthy. Those attending with me were so encouraging and life giving. isagreements were dealt with through open dialogue, and I was never asked to keep the conversation secret. At Teen Mania I was just another cog in the evangelization machine, here I was a person, an important part of the team. I felt loved.
In an email to all alumni, Ron Luce stated that there have been changes at the Honor Academy. Although I want to believe him, I realize that he can’t possibly know what changes to make with so many alumni sworn to secrecy. Opening a true dialogue with past interns, graduated and dismissed, not for a pat on the back, but for the sake of the gospel, will be the best way to determine what changes need to be made.
18 comments:
Marcisays:April 14, 2010 at 8:33 AMReply
Jacqueline,
I was an intern Aug 96/97. I had been on two mission trips with TM before my internship so I knew the culture and wisely didn’t tell anyone I was Roman Catholic for the first three months or so until they knew me and were assured I was “saved.” When I did throw that little nugget out there (during a discussion about how Catholics worship Mary – I couldn’t help correcting the point) you could have heard a pin drop.
I worked in the finance department and part of my job was sorting through the mail of the executive department (making sure bills stayed in our department) and I came across a job application for a TM staff position. I was just about to throw it in the stack for the executive department when I noticed the attached required essay: “Why Catholics are not Christians.” I was simultaneously hurt and infuriated. Being the bold little lady that I was I marched right over to Ron’s office (which at the time had a back door that led past our office) when I heard him leaving and confronted him on this. I was pretty upset and by the end of it couldn’t stop crying. To Ron’s credit, he did assure me that he believed that Catholics too could be saved, as he was confident that I was and was very apologetic that the essay had hurt me. But – he never did explain why it was included as a requirement for anyone wanting to work for TM.
Anyway I only mention it because I always found it funny that so many non-Catholics accused the Catholic Church of believing in salvation by works. As a lifelong Catholic, the only place I ever saw that gospel lived was at Teen Mania.
I attended a wonderfully spiritual Catholic college after the internship (which I credit from sparing me a lot of the pain so many alumni speak about on this site – I re-learned so many things before they had a chance to affect my life). My first week on their campus made it glaringly obvious to me: though Teen Mania had helped me to grow in a deep love for God, they didn’t teach me to love, respect and accept people, who have dignity simply because they were created by Him. I realized that even though I knew so many more bible verses than probably half the students on campus, I didn’t posses the kindness, compassion and genuine love that they did – the fruit of the Spirit.
What good is it to save the whole world and lose your own soul?
Jacqueline I’d love to hear from you privately and discuss the Church’s beautiful view on the vocation of marriage (I’ll forward RA my email if you’re interested). Your work as a wife and mother will provide you with every challenge for God to grow you in holiness (as I’m sure you know!)
What a wonderful call – to create new life in participation with God and teach that little one with your spouse to live in God’s love. May the Lord heal your wounds and fill you with the peace and knowledge befitting your dignity as a child of God.
~Marci
Jacquelinesays:April 14, 2010 at 9:08 AMReply
Please do forward your information to RA. Your post is beautiful.
Eric P.says:April 14, 2010 at 9:40 AMReply
Jacqueline– Seeing it all together, it makes total sense: you’re living Ezekiel 34. All the bad parts, all the good parts. Really.
Again, I’m sad to read about all your pain, but I’m so happy your story wound up the way I hoped it would! You have a powerful voice and I appreciate your courage in telling the truth. All God’s blessings (and especially Romans 8) to you!
Moriahsays:April 14, 2010 at 11:16 AMReply
marci!!!
were you in albania with me?
i just loved you!
moriah
Micheal McCombersays:April 14, 2010 at 11:33 AMReply
@ Maric you rock hardcore. Jacqueline please get in contact with her, she (Marci) will have a lot of wishdom, comfort and love to share. Again She rocks
@ Moriah, what year did you go to Albainia
Shannon Kishsays:April 14, 2010 at 12:05 PMReply
Marci and Jaqueline,
I was always confused about the teachings that catholics are not saved.
I find the Catholic church to have beautiful teachings and what I love most about Catholicism is their focus on social work programs. I feel like Catholics outward expressions of loving your neighbor through feeding, clothing, sheltering, etc to be the most in line with Jesus.
Shawna Mizersays:April 14, 2010 at 1:41 PMReply
Jacqueline, I had an idea of who you might be from the previous parts of the story, and after this one, I’m about 99% sure I know who you are. And if it is who I think it is, you have always been one of the most loving and joyful persons in my memory of my time at TM.
And as for your husband wanting to be a farmer…well people have to eat in order to be able to hear the Gospel, right? The way I see it, you guys are much more likely to effect people’s lives doing what you love and taking care of people than by calling them to go to summer camp.
Also, you being Roman Catholic I think actually helped pave the way for me to become Anglican Catholic, you made me realize that there is plenty of love and grace and joy in the Catholic church.
~Shawna (Blakely) Mizer
Carolsays:April 14, 2010 at 1:58 PMReply
“Why Catholics are not Christians” – that makes me SICK! My family and I attended a Catholic church for many years. The fact that someone would question another persons (or entire denomination for that matter) salvation is sickening.
Nunquam Honorablussays:April 14, 2010 at 2:02 PMReply
Legit, man. One of the most loving people I knew at the HA was Catholic.
And people would tear her apart and tell her that her religion was “crap”. Ah well, that’s the intern mindset for you…
Marcisays:April 14, 2010 at 2:52 PMReply
@ Moriah – Albania 1994 (Dave Hasz was our Project Director)? How are you? Get me email from RA and get in touch!
@ Mike – Thanks man, you’re a sweetie.
@ Shannon – I think the Catholic Church’s call to corporal works of mercy (feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless, clothing the naked and visiting the sick and imprisoned) is the very reason some non-Catholics think we believe in salvation through works. Ironically, it was Jesus Himself who calls us to them and goes so far as to say that if we neglect them He will say, “Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil….whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me (Mt 25:41,45).” I think it makes perfect sense that a starving man would receive the Gospel more easily if it was delivered in love with a piece of bread. Of course, a drama performed by a bunch of American teenagers is pretty snazzy too… 🙂
Philip Esays:April 14, 2010 at 3:06 PMReply
Oddly, I don’t think I can ever recall hearing that Catholics believe in salvation through works. What I would hear was “Catholics practice idolatry” which I debunk when possible(While I’m not Catholic myself, I feel the need to defend everything that I think is wrongly accused.
Marci,
It seems odd to me that TM actually had a required essay on how Catholics aren’t christians, as I’ve never heard that sentiment from anyone at TM in leadership(I’m not questioning your account, I believe it fully, it just baffles me that that would be a required essay).
Off topic except that it deals with the Catholic church. You should have seen the 2 people who were obviously not catholic at your wedding! We had absolutely NO IDEA what the responses we were supposed to give were or when to kneel or any of that stuff. It was kind of funny(which isn’t said to take away from the wedding. It was beautiful).
Recovering Alumnisays:April 14, 2010 at 3:46 PMReply
I don’t think its any secret that at least some (many?>) people (including HA staff members) regularly pine about who is saved and who isn’t…Back when TM was big into the Holy Spirit, speaking in tongues was practically a requirement for salvation. Or at least to be “mature.”
reluctant-internsays:April 14, 2010 at 4:15 PMReply
Jacqueline, I think your story has touched me more than any other story on this blog. It’s all the little things – all the situations that leave you scratching your head wondering what the heck you did to deserve that kind of treatment … it’s amazing what it does to a person. I’m so sorry you had to go through the things you’ve listed here – I’m sure there’s even more than you’ve talked about!
mary beth tysonsays:April 26, 2010 at 9:28 PMReply
Shortly after Teen Mania I joined the Anglican Church and am still an Anglican to this day. Because the Anglican Church is very similar to the Catholic Church (and I have great respect for the teaching, history and doctrine of the Catholic Church) I look back and remember so many comments that were made about it. I cringe at some of the comments I made when going on a mission trip to south america – we were going to “save the catholics”. I do believe most of the comments are made out of ignorance, just like mine were.
I hope that anyone reading this who has bad thoughts or judgments of Catholics or the Catholic church will really research their beliefs and not go by what you’ve been told by a Catholic you know or a non-Catholic who doesn’t understand the church.
Shannon Kishsays:April 27, 2010 at 8:50 AMReply
Mary Beth, I think those of us on the Blog and forum believe that Anglicans and Catholics are just as much Christians as protestants. Join us in the forums- forums.recoveringalumni.com and we can talk more about it.
Amber Jackssays:June 23, 2010 at 11:13 PMReply
Jacqueline I am pretty sure we worked together. I honestly blocked out everything that ever happened my first year at TM. I don’t even tell people about it now. I am sorry if I was ever the cause of any grief for you. DO you remember me?
Amber Jacks
Sarahsays:September 22, 2010 at 5:09 PMReply
Jacqueline, So sorry! The thoughts of TM still make me sick to my stomach. I wish I could gain back those years for the better.
Jenni P.says:September 24, 2010 at 6:20 PMReply
So, so much I could say. Reading your full story has both made my heart heavy, and yet I rejoice with the TRUTH – WHATEVER the truth is, we are called to rejoice in it. I HOPE and will be praying that this is how those in leadership now at TM will deal with the intense scrutiny they are now undergoing. As you said, it is a fertile place. Both my husband and I were blessed to have grown a lot, and met a lot of wonderful Christians there. YET, we know that it could be SO much MORE, if these and other wrongs were righted, with transparency and humility. I have seen -some- of this happening already, but not enough to satisfy. Not enough by a long shot.
