My second year, I started out on the Ministry team. It was great; it was the family I had always longed – for something real. But halfway into that program, they basically told me that I was not working hard enough so I was kicked off. Basically, I felt they were telling me that I am not worth the money I am paying to be part of this team. So with my self esteem in ruins, I went back to campus and attempted to finish out my graduate internship in another ministry placement. I figured if I stick it out, it will somehow make me better and prepare me more for the real world.
During a house meeting, I remember one ceremony where they had me look into this mirror and they were saying things to make me think about “Where my heart was.” They would ask me questions like, “Are you hiding?” and “Do you feel like you are being judged?” But when other girls got the mirror the women took turns saying things like, “You are Jesus’s beautiful princess” and things like that. I never understood why.
Out of all of the things that broke my heart about this place, this was the cherry on top. During my MA year (after being kicked off the MT) I worked in custodial. Before I arrived, they put a program in place where people who didn’t test correctly for the call center got put in facilities (which is terribly dumb in my opinion – then it is even more like a punishment). So half my crew was ex-call center and the other half was original custodial. There were behavioral problems and most of the ex’s got dismissed by the end of the year. Which leaves me to ask “First you embitter people then dismissed them for acting out for being embittered?”
I don’t blame everything I did on the Honor Academy – that would be unfair. But they definitely set me up for failure. During my GI year, I met a man there. Because he was another intern, I trusted him and it never occurred to me that he would take advantage of me. It started out as an innocent relationship between me – a run down MA in a part of the ministry that nobody cared about, where the morale was going down the toilet and him – a charismatic undergraduate. I felt like he had what I was missing – the life that had been sucked out of me during my first year. It wasn’t long before I discovered how dark some people were. Whether it was his frequent trips to places where he could drink alcohol or his deep need to be loved, I excused away a million things because I was a misfit and I had nowhere else to go. Everyone who I had ever known and been close to eventually got dismissed, and so it happened that he did too. Even after he was dismissed, we remained friends. That is, until one night when we were going to the movies and it ended up in him taking advantage of me. Before going to the Honor Academy, I had a backbone. I would have been able to stand up until I was told to only stand up when the word “feet” was uttered*. It only happened once, but 9 months later I had his child. I left the internship because I was too afraid to tell leadership that I was pregnant. Luckily, during the HA I found out about Father Heart, which is just down the block from TM. They really took care of me and helped me restore most of the brokenness from Teen Mania.
The house parents at Fatherheart listened to me and let me cry with them. They had an open, honest relationship with us. They didn’t pretend to be perfect or act like they had had the perfect lives. I learned that even though I hadn’t been perfect and I never would be, that fighting for perfection wasn’t going to make me happy. Trying to be someone I am not is not going to give me joy; I just have to be the best version of myself I can be, love Jesus, and do my best to be who He made me to be and show love to those who need it. At Fatherheart I was treated like someone who needed MY God and I because of this was able to be more vulnerable instead of at Teen Mania where I was treated like someone who had to FIGHT for THEIR God, which led me to be closed off.
I gave the baby up for adoption yet….MY FIGHT is NOT over.
*(Dave Hasz often yells “Feet!” in the middle of his lectures. Interns must immediately stand. I think its to keep them awake)
21 comments:
I want to be the first to comment and to point out that neither “Brandi” nor myself are saying that it is TM’s fault that this boy raped her.
She is however, saying something important that I know for a fact applies to alot of other alumni (especially in the area of relationships). TM set her up for failure. The constant emotional and spiritual beat downs by peers and leadership led her to a place where she had to get that love and acceptance in any way she could – even from a guy she knew was unhealthy. If you’ve ever been in an emotionally desperate place, feeling rejected by nearly everyone around you – you will identify with her feelings. If not, be thankful and don’t judge.
If not for her extreme vulnerability, due in large part to TM’s treatment of her, she says that she would have been able to stand up to this guy. And I absolutely believe her.
bring it!says:July 7, 2010 at 4:56 AM
can i jut mention that that whole thing about feet is absolutely ridiculous, and is more of a power play than anything.
if hasz’ lectures are so boring (WHICH THEY ARE) he should probably just stop talking.
message to current interns: If you are bored listening to Dave ramble on about elitist spirituality, stop listening. seriously. life is way way way too short. if there is a little voice inside your head that is yawning, you should listen to it. its not the devil. its just your instinct telling you that you are wasting your time with a type of christianity that is arrogant, cruel and shuts others out.
Blinkysays:July 7, 2010 at 9:25 AM
Yeah! Like “bring it” said: Pay a bunch of money to try to be part of a ministry where you could potentially learn something, but dismiss it because you think it’s boring!
God forbid that you may actually learn something!
Juliesays:July 7, 2010 at 9:27 AM
Brandi, I’m so sorry for all you experienced! You are Jesus’ beautiful princess and no one had the right to make you believe otherwise! I’m really glad you went to Fatherheart and were able to find some healing there! Let me commend you for putting your child up for adoption, because it takes a strong woman to put her child’s needs ahead of her own when the needs are at cross purposes! For someone who was in such a vulnerable situation, it can be easy to think a baby will offer unconditional love. I’m so proud of you for choosing the best life possible for your child over your own need to be loved. I pray that God will guide you into even more healing and that He will reveal the depths of His love for you in a fresh way. I’m sending you a virtual hug and I love you, my sister in Christ!
I am so sorry, Brandi. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know where you are in your recovery journey, but I pray you feel peace as you process through your experience and I pray you feel peace about your child. You have experienced more than anyone should ever have to deal with. God bless you and give you joy.
Brandi – I wish I could say in words what I can say in music. I can’t, so I have nothing. Know that you are loved, you are special, you are uniquely valuable to God who loves you infinitely much.
One observation on the names of the ministries: God has a Father heart. He “does not choose the Honorable things of the world.” And Mania is a type of mental illness. I think you know which ministry treated you the way God is really like!
@Blinky: God doesn’t forbid; Hasz does. Apparently he thinks his own indoctrination is so boring that he has to resort to cheap manipulative tricks to keep people’s attention– so why is that worth paying money for? You can find thousands of great sermons online for free if you like.
katesays:July 7, 2010 at 10:43 AM
Brandi, I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you how amazing you are and give you a hug. I am so sorry…
Nunquam Honorablussays:July 7, 2010 at 10:57 AM
Eric- naw bro, he says himself that because of the HA schedule, he expects it and says that there’s “no shame in being tired, however there IS shame in falling asleep [in class]”.
So maybe he still thinks his teachings are sharp, entertaining and relevant 😉
During a house meeting, I remember one ceremony where they had me look into this mirror and they were saying things to make me think about “Where my heart was.” They would ask me questions like, “Are you hiding?” and “Do you feel like you are being judged?” But when other girls got the mirror the women took turns saying things like, “You are Jesus’s beautiful princess” and things like that. I never understood why.
that right there show there is a class sytem in the internship. There is an elite circle of interns that think its ok to judge you. But fimd them and their peers You are Jesus’s beautiful princess
that right there is a big red flag if you ask me. But what do i know im just a bad seed and wicked sinner
MM
CarrieSaumsays:July 7, 2010 at 12:10 PM
brandi,
thank you for sharing your story. i’m so sorry you had such a difficult experience. what a beautiful story about Father’s Heart. i remember driving by there often…feeling judgment for those who were there, and also, a deep sadness and empathy at the same time. now, i just feel love for anyone who is brave enough to give up their child and pursue healing.
may god bless you on this journey. you are brave and beautiful and strong.
HKHsays:July 7, 2010 at 12:19 PM
This is probably one of the worst-turned-best stories I’ve heard. My heart breaks for the things you’ve experienced and struggled with because of your treatment, but at the same time, I am so happy to hear that you are still loving God and healing from this. I am so thankful you realize it was these people’s faults, not God’s.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “I just have to be the best version of myself I can be, love Jesus, and do my best to be who He made me to be and show love to those who need it”
That is what ALL Christians should focus on, alumni or not, affiliated with TM or not. That’s what it’s about.
Thanks for sharing your story. 🙂
Nunquam Honorablussays:July 7, 2010 at 12:53 PM
I remember judging Father’s Heart for the first half of my internship because I took one look at it and thought it was a lesbian shelter or something.
Then somebody told me what it was and I felt like a douche.
All that to say, thank you Brandi for sharing. 🙂 It’s beautiful how you’ve been able to process what happened, and how you’ve been able to be so selfless in this journey. It’s inspiring! You’re awesome <3
Nunquam Honorablussays:July 7, 2010 at 12:56 PM
Fatherheart, even
Anonymoussays:July 7, 2010 at 1:15 PM
Brandi,
I am so sorry for all you’ve been through.
God loves us for no reason other than He is
love. We can’t and don’t have to perform for
Him. Unfortunately religion, including Christian religion, believes the lie that we can be as God without Him, if we will only follow some rules.Since this gives no assurance of God’s love, the proponents try to give themselves security and identity by looking down on others. It’s a shame game. It is deeply ingrained into humanity as we are all born believing the lie of Satan…that we can be as God, without God, by our own various efforts. I am sorry you were victimized by this religious lie. You are loved by God who had nothing to do with the choices and actions of those who harmed you. They are empty inside
and do not in any way represent Him. May
Jesus heal and bless you. Oceanwaves
littlegraygirlsays:July 7, 2010 at 1:25 PM
Brandi,
I am so, so sorry to hear of the abuse and heartache you suffered during your time with TM. I know that how you were treated wasn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve any of it.
I am so happy to hear that you received the love, acceptance, and assistance you needed at Fatherheart. You were brave to seek them out, brave to carry your child to term and then offer him/her up for adoption, and brave to share your story with us.
I know this is a bit off the subject, but I have a great story about Fatherheart Ministries. There was a family at the church I went to in Indiana while I was growing up. They came from Texas. The husband had worked (I don’t know if he was on staff or just volunteering) for that ministry and met his wife there–she was one of the pregnant mothers the ministry was helping. She had her baby, a little girl, and the husband adopted her after the two were married. (They had a few more kids together after that). That girl grew up and went back to Texas to volunteer at Fatherheart.
The contrast between the two ministries is stark: one is about offering the love, hope, and acceptance of Christ, along with practical assistance and care; the other is about preparing young people to wield power over others in the name of Christ. And yeah, I know that the two ministries have completely different emphases and aims, but which one seems to TRULY changed more lives for the positive?
laynesays:July 7, 2010 at 2:01 PM
I love the name “Fatherheart”. It makes me imagine Jesus as a carebear.
Nunquam Honorablussays:July 7, 2010 at 2:02 PM
Layne- I had to repent for the images that that put into my head XD
Chewbaccasays:July 7, 2010 at 7:09 PM
I’m glad that Fatherheart was there for you… when Teen Mania wasn’t. The contrast of the two ministries is interesting. Fatherheart focuses on helping people become whole and achieve healing… instead of obsessing over churning out “the future leaders of our generation”.
Jacksays:July 8, 2010 at 9:24 AM
@Littlegraygirl – you say “I know that the two ministries have completely different emphases and aims, but which one seems to TRULY changed more lives for the positive?”
I don’t know how that can be measured. I know a TON of alumni who are incredibly happy and doing AMAZING things for Christ because of what they learned at the internship.
Just because those people aren’t on this site doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
littlegraygirlsays:July 9, 2010 at 5:08 PM
Jack,
Very true. That was an ignorant statement on my part. I don’t know every single person that has come through either ministry, so I can’t measure that sort of thing.
I still think that a ministry that meets people where they are, extends the love of Christ to them and offers them practical assistance is more in line with the heart of God than one that seeks to pick through people to pull out the special “elite”, teaching them how to have power over others through legalism.
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