Hosanna’s Story

Hannah recently sent me her story, but noted that in her TM days, she went by “Hosanna.”

The thing about TM is that you have this weird “connection” with people. That “you understand the 1-2 years of the craziest, best, worst, emotional, incredible, unforgettable, hardest time of my life” type of feeling. And yet, everyone has their own very different experience. Here’s mine.

Before I even went to the internship I knew I was supposed to be there for 2 years. I didn’t even know there was a GI (or whatever it’s called now) program. I just knew. My first year I was an AA to a manager who was completely new to TM and his position was created for the first time. He was also only in the office 2 days a week as he was on the road with the ATF’s the rest of the time. A perfect fit for me. I’m a true entrepreneur at heart and I loved being able to work on my own and “create” and grow my area. But with all of that creating came hard work. Spreadsheets, databases, training material, mail merges, etc. I didn’t mind the work. I had spent a year in college and was used to early morning classes, late nights studying. I was hungry for God, so I loved the classes. The physical aspect was a breeze. I spent 8 years training as a martial artist so I was actually doing LESS exercise. But by the end of that first year, the 12-16hr days in the office, exercise, retreats, classes, required studies, started to take their toll. But I was one tough cookie.

My second year my work load in the office tripled. I was working directly on Day One along with all of the ATF’s. I had two AA’s myself to help out. Day One had to be perfect. Bigger databases, more phone calls, More positions to train volunteers in which meant more training material to write. Getting everyone correct information. And over-seeing 27 more events. I was also a CA and was in charge of the spirituality, mentality and the growing of 17 girls. I had all the regular classes to attend, plus extra for a second year intern. Oh! Not to mention the exercise to train for mountain climbing, running a 10K, and all the other things most people don’t do. Did I mention the pressure to be actively involved in church?

I started to feel sick more than I felt well. I was 12-18hrs in the office. I skipped meals. I spent a day in the office with a 104 degree fever (only a regular 8hr day though). This did get back to “the powers that be” and the rule was set in place about getting your manager’s permission to work overtime. Good thing for me my manager was out of town! All the balls were in the air. I had to catch them. I couldn’t fail. I was a second year intern. I was an example. April 23-24, 1999. Day One. A date I will never forget. Just waiting for it to be over and not give out prematurely. That’s all I could focus on. Making it.

No one had any idea what I was going through. I had who was considered the BEST female advisor TM had. But she didn’t know. Not really her fault? I grew up in a family where there was abuse: physical, emotional & mental. I was used to keeping silent about things and pretending everything was fine. This was “normal.” Everyone was in the same boat, so why should I complain? Besides, it would show that I was weak, incapable, and not “pressing in” enough.

It’s now 10yrs later. Since that time I spent 2 years living in Australia. I got married. Had 4 children (one died at birth). Got divorced. The entire time my life has been affected from the time I spent in Garden Valley, TX.

In Australia, I attended Hillsong Bible College. We studied hard and were also VERY involved with the church. Like TM, we were the ones who “ran” the conferences. Mandatory volunteers. Every time a conference came up (and there was one at least every other month) I’d get through one day, have a panic attack, and spend the rest of the time sick in bed. Without fail. Until after going through counseling I realized what was happening and was able to work the last conference all the way through after determining it was not going to beat me.

I met my husband in an online chat room. We were both witnessing to people and met. I was going to college and working in Tyler, he was living in Tennessee. After 3 months of long-distance I wanted to move closer to him. He didn’t have a job and was living with his parents (another story entirely!). I was quitting school and work and didn’t have anywhere to go but to live with him. I was so scared of what my TM friends would think of me moving in with a man, that I made a decision that was the lesser of the two evils: I married him. After a month I wanted out, but you stay married, right? I spent 7 years and 4 kids trying to make the marriage work, but finally decided it was more detrimental then positive and moved on.

But I think the biggest thing that I’ve struggled with the past 10 years is dealing with Chronic Fatigue. I’m always tired. It’s hard to focus. My brain doesn’t work the same. It’s like something broke. I get overwhelmed easily and want to panic. I’ve spent thousands on doctors and they all tell me one thing: you’re just tired.

So with the divorce behind me, I am focusing on my life and my kids. I have a half-marathon I’m running in October. I’m going to get my photography business off the ground and be the entrepreneur I’ve always wanted to be. I’m focusing. Taking little steps forward at a time. I’ll get well again. My mind will be clear again. My kids will have the life I want to give them. But I’ll never be the same after my 2 years with TM.

16 comments:

Hayley says:
July 22, 2010 at 8:41 AM

Hosanna/Hannah, I don’t know if you remember me, but I worked in IT your second year. I remember how busy you were. The two words I would’ve used to describe you were stressed and cheerful. And at the time, I admired that. I thought, “Here is someone doing so much and the joy of the Lord is her strength! I wish I was like that!!!” Now, looking back as an adult, I realize a young, unpaid person should NEVER have been asked to bear the work load you were given. You should never have been made to feel you had to be perfect or that so much depended on you or that admitting you were overwhelmed was a weakness or failure. I’m sorry to hear about some of the things that have happened to you since TM, but my hope is that through it all you are learning how to REST in Christ. Mary sat at Jesus’ feet and He didn’t say, “Get up and plan me an ATF!” In fact, He rebuked Martha for suggesting something similar. He let John recline against Him without saying, “Hold yourself up in your own strength!” There is rest in Christ Jesus. There is a lifting of burdens. I pray Jesus will lead you to those still waters.

ShadowVoice says:
July 22, 2010 at 9:27 AM

I feel you on the divorce issue in particular. So concerned with appearances and what SHOULD be, rather than what is. Unfortunately that Christian guilt thing that prompted me to marry him had me staying with him for fear of what people might know. I ended up buried deep in something else as an escape until I decided the charades needed to end. Neither of us was changing for the better and needed something big to jar us into change. What makes things worse for me is that my husband was also an alumnus and with my life so deeply tied into TMM… Well, I’ve lost a few friends who took his side, not knowing the full story…

Lisa says:
July 22, 2010 at 9:54 AM

I feel it is important to note that you weren’t a “trouble maker” while you were there. You worked so hard for them. I hate that they didn’t have a PAYED employee that was right there all the time. I feel so sad that this is the experience you had working towards Day One. I hope for the best for you as you start a new life honey.

Lauren says:
July 22, 2010 at 10:00 AM

Wow, Hannah… Thank you so much for sharing your story. You were able to describe all that you went through so clearly. And it hits hard, my heart sank as I read. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. I’m sorry you weren’t better cared for and that you’ve felt that intense pressure of living up to other people’s standards for you. I really do hope you continue to reconnect with your true, strong self.

MM says:
July 22, 2010 at 11:40 AM

But I’ll never be the same after my 2 years with TM.

That line right there is the heartbreaker. So many people feel that but not everyone feels free to share, to look at what really happened to us there.

This is an example of what TM calls an Elite Intern. But yet no one meet her needs, just over worked over pressured over stressed to the point it took the toll physically.

Just my two cents
MM

gc1998 says:
July 22, 2010 at 2:06 PM

hannah hosanna…i’m sorry you’re tired and walking wounded. i’m pretty constantly tired, too, and my life was nowhere near as intense as yours was at TM. reading your story made me wonder if some of my fatigue is traceable back to that one intense year.

i didn’t really know you your GI year, but i believe in you and your fight to reclaim yourself and your life and your happiness.

Lisa says:
July 22, 2010 at 2:33 PM

Thank you so much for sharing your story. How irresponsible of them to let that happen to you. Whether or not you told anyone how tired you were, they should have been looking out for you better than that. It is their job, not yours, to make sure you aren’t overworked when you are there. They totally took advantage of you and that’s NOT ok. My god! You pay them to work there and they bleed you for every ounce of your energy! It’s sick!

My heart goes out to you and your children. I find myself in the same position. Stayed in a marriage because I wasn’t “the kind of person” to get a divorce and I didn’t want to eff up my kids. Finally decided enough abuse was enough and got out. I admire your resolve to put on your big girl panties and do what you have to do for your precious children and for yourself. I share that drive with you! I hope you have a good support system in place to give you a break to rest when you are weary. It is what saves my life. I wish you success in your photography adventure!

I quit the HA in March 99 and attended Day One in April with my youth group. I was so excited to see some of my friends again when I got there. But, all i saw were drained, overworked, zombies that resembled my friends. I remember NOTHING else about Day One. Just my overwhelmed, frazzled, friends. I felt sorry for them and was glad to be going home with my youth group rather than on a TM bus.

Oh wait, I did meet some of the kids I’d been calling for missions working in the call center. I lied to them and told them I was moved to a different department to explain why i wasnt calling them anymore. I should have told them the truth. It may have saved some of them from getting involved in TM…they trusted me… 🙁

Anonymous says:
July 24, 2010 at 10:37 AM

I’m a current GI. This year has SUCKED. I’ve cried this year more than any other in my life. And you’re right: Dave is a liar. He said that our UG year would be the hardest ever. Well, my life was cake as an UG compared to a GI. Haha… New struggles I never even dreamed of having, popped up this year. We all pay to do staff jobs. And yet we have to fundraise to be here and convince others we’re not wasting our lives when we ourselves aren’t even sure. Can somebody say, “Messed UP!!”

But you know what? It was worth every second! My life has been completely changed. In the midst of the suck, I’ve made incredible friends and my relationship with the Lord has been STRENGTHENED with the trials I’ve encountered. I don’t turn my back and run when the stupid hits the fan. No, as a Christian body we have to pull together. I tell people when my day is about to explode. Heck, I update my Facebook status so even the casual people I may or may not have ever known in like the 5th grade can know, and if they’re Christians, they might pray for me.

Seriously, the HA can really suck. I’m totally in the know. We all work WAY too much as GIs for no money, doing jobs we’d get paid to do on top of everything else. Plus, we have to have lives of our own outside of work or we’d all go insane. PLUS PLUS most of us have cores, or adopted cores, or UG in some fashion to pour out into. So we’re responsible for the development and well-being of our fellow Christians around us as we all press forward towards greater Glory with God. DANG Gena, that’s a lot of responsibility on 18-20 year old peeps!!!

JFFL says:
July 30, 2010 at 10:43 PM

hey anon on july 24.

i am a current intern and i will be praying for you.

natalielavonne says:
July 30, 2010 at 11:42 PM

I was just at extreme camp as an adult leader and came home feeling very strange. I have been walking closely with God for almost ten years and I just couldn’t shake the feeling that the people working there as interns seemed very controlled/controlling. Our campers felt that way too. We will not be back. I will pray you get out of there and serve God in another way.

Liz says:
August 1, 2010 at 11:32 PM

I attended Day One and I thought it was fantastic! I know so many lives were changed over the course of that weekend, so despite all the pain, thank you for your sacrifice. It made a difference in so many lives!

layne says:
August 3, 2010 at 8:53 AM

“DANG Gena, that’s a lot of responsibility on 18-20 year old peeps!!!”

It’s too much responsibility. 18-20 year olds should not be “responsible for the development and well-being of our fellow Christians around us”. Supportive, sure, but not responsible. You’re still young. I’m almost 30 and I still believe I’m too young to be given that kind of responsibility.

Holly V.A./W says:
June 16, 2011 at 10:28 PM

Hannah/Hosanna, I believe we were at TM at the same time (if you are who I think you are…) and I have struggled with Chronic Fatigue since that time. I just found out that I contracted Lyme disease while there 13 years ago. It might be a good idea to get a Lyme test from a Lyme Literate MD.

1st Time Mommy says:
September 17, 2011 at 4:13 PM

Hannah,

I have struggled with Chronic Fatigue symptoms for years, since I was 17. The symptoms you are describing sound to me like Fibromyalgia which I actually have. I went to many doctors who just thought I was tired. Not focusing? We affectionately call it “fibro-fog”. Let me know if you want more information. If you did have fibromyalgia there are some ways I’ve found to treat it naturally.

Let me know if you want to talk! Thank you for sharing your story!

Dawn

Hannah says:
November 9, 2011 at 7:36 PM

Hello everyone,

I am honored and thank you to all of you who responded to my story. There are a few things I want to explain. I haven’t gotten on this site for a while, but of course, with TM being in the news, I’ve been catching up.

I’d like to start with what I considered my most important statement (Thank you MM for picking up on it. Are you the MM I think you are?)

“I’ll never be the same after my 2 years at Teen Mania.”

I have no hatred toward TM. None at all. I’m still in close contact with a LOT of TM friends. I’m FB friends with both Ron and Dave. I think they are amazing leaders and men of God. I do feel that the hard workers were taken advantage of… but then, I didn’t know how to say “no”, either.

Teen Mania helped seal my relationship with God. I fell away from Him during my marriage and after. But reading my prayer journals from my TM time period reminds me of what a deep, intimate, incredible relationship with HIM is all about. That anchor kept me from straying too far. For this, I’ll never be the same.

I am still dealing with health issues. Did it start from my time there? Perhaps. No one will ever know. Although I do feel that after Day One was over, I physically melted. I am currently doing a ton of tests to figure out what’s going on. I tested positive for an autoimmune disease, so I’m going to a Rheumatologist for further testing. This has also helped bring me back to God. Realizing that all the strength and independence he has placed inside of me is not enough. Perhaps that’s what this past 10 years has been all about? I know one day I will be free from fatigue, foggy-head, muscle weakness, dizziness, feeling overwhelmed and panicked (just to name a few symptoms). In the meantime, I look to HIM. He who started HIS work in me, will be completed. The vision he gave me while at TM, HE WILL COMPLETE…. even though I think as a single mom with 3 kids it is impossible. My life since those 2 years at TM will NEVER be the same… the good and the bad.

No organization is perfect. In fact, nothing is perfect: relationships, marriage, parenting, work, family, or even ourselves. Only God. And until we learn that if we know we obeyed HIM to go and do what HE called us to do, the experience we have is the one HE meant for us to have. Stop blaming others. God knew what was going to happen before you went. Let Him heal your hurt, and start living your life.

Never be the same!

Micheal McComber says:
November 9, 2011 at 8:47 PM

Sanna

Yes i am the MM you think i am 🙂