I got to campus a day early. I moved into Morris Hall and got settled after a relative drove me out and dropped me off. That first night there I ended up out in the Back 40 (basically the acres of land behind the campus) with some August interns and I bonded with a few – I met Ruth Ann out there that night and to this day we are still friends. Gauntlet week started and it was harder than I thought it would be. There was so much information being thrown at me that it was hard to take it all in. One night that week I remember in particular was the men’s night: Knighthood. Of course the topics of sex, porn and masturbation came up. They went on their polite tirade about how bad masturbation was. Well I think some sexologists would probably agree that self-stimulation is perfectly normal and that as in all things done in moderation and within parameters is healthy. Yes I have masturbated. Alert the international media. At Teen Mania I would have had a hard time admitting that to anyone. Yet at some point I got fed up with how the “Christian” culture and TMM made sexuality and sex talk something to be so forbidden and shameful. Of course there are parameters and things you might not just tell anyone – but hey – as adults we should have been taught how to truly behave like adults and not little Christian lemmings marching to Ron Luce’s little drum.
The night before the commitment ceremony Dave Hasz gave a talk about what commitment means. A few weeks ago on this very blog a slide was highlighted of Dave’s most recent PowerPoint teaching a verse that God hates people who break their commitments. I don’t remember the brainwashing at the ceremony being that intense – but you can imagine that most of us if not all of us were ready to sign on the dotted line. We were given the talk that our ministry placements were going to be God’s will and that we would be prayed over and that whatever we get was direct from God. Basically – the ministry wanted to strong-arm us into our commitment – then tell us what we would be doing – ensuring them not to lose us since we wouldn’t want God to hate us now would we? My ACA told me that I was being eyed by the Information Technologies department – and I was excited at this prospect since I was somewhat technical and had a video production background. When it was announced the following day after the ceremony that I would be an ATF caller – this job being telemarketing for Teen Mania’s tour de force marketing machine the Acquire The Fire youth convention. We had to call churches and basically try to convince them to bring their kids. We were taught how to deal with all kinds of denominations and belief backgrounds. We did mock calls and were soon thrown to the wolves on some different conventions happening that spring.
I wasn’t in love with the ministry placement but I did what was asked of me. Since I was extroverted I could tell that’s probably why they placed me here – but I knew the ministry wasn’t taking advantage of all of my potential – but they were taking advantage of something – I just wasn’t quite aware of what that was just yet. The year started to go by. My core wasn’t all that special. My Core Advisor, John, was a macho guy who liked to joke around a lot and I never really bonded much with him. I don’t remember much about what we did as a Core – it obviously wasn’t noteworthy. I liked my core mates but we were sort of all on different wavelengths. The only thing we had in common was genitalia, and that was about it. Soon enough the Knighthood program announced that we could go down this little process and become “knighted” in some ceremony a few weeks away. I looked at all we had to do and I just said forget it. I had work, I had homework from classes, I had exercise, I had room meetings, core meetings, dish duty, Brotherhood (our advisor group – which was several guy cores together). Could they give us anymore to do? Apparently they could and I just said no thank you. I didn’t need or want bragging rights of being a knight – in a way looking back I wish i would have blown off everything because most of it didn’t matter.
Winter faded and turned into Spring and I was assigned to be the Team Captain for the Cleveland Ohio ATF that fall. I had one team mate and we were best buddies. The January ATF interns really bonded that year and without them it would have made the job utterly dreadful. My supervisor Rebecca was not the nicest of the bunch. Now I gotta give her the benefit of the doubt that she came from a business background and after all I was working for a business, I just hadn’t realized that yet. So she had her bottom line she had to get so that her bosses were happy that the guaranteed revenue would be coming in at all appropriate levels, based on how many herd of cattle were brought into the gates at the ATF conventions. So my teammate Wendy and I pushed through and enjoyed making our calls and having our time together. It was just her and I for most of that year so we had fun. I remember at times where we would have to leave a certain word in the voicemails just to spice things up from time to time. At times I was shocked how some youth pastors and church workers would treat us – after all I was paying money to be there – so the least they could do is not hang up on us or even swear at us on occasion.
As the ministry is good at doing, another opportunity came up for purchase and this one was an adventure trip to Morocco. I’m not sure what the price tag was but it was high enough to not be realistically attainable from someone with a negative income. Yet I still wanted to go. I’m not sure why or how but I bonded with Kelly Hasz that year. I ended up in her office a lot to shoot the breeze and chat. It might have been my natural inclination to hit it off with girls – notice the pattern – but I wanted this adventure trip so badly so I started to fundraise. How does someone fundraise when they are already strapped on resources, time and everything else imaginable? Thankfully my internship was paid for so I was never threatened with a fundraising trip. A fundraising trip meant you couldn’t work or do the internship anymore and had to raise your funds – if you weren’t doing well enough you got sent home – had to buy airfare and go home and get money or not come back. I made some phone calls and wrote some letters and I prayed. So much talk around the Honor Academy was having faith and trusting God. I listened to Crystal Lewis’ song Trust Me about twenty times a day. At the end of the day I didn’t get the money in for the trip and I was devastated. I thought something was wrong with me. I was in sin, I wasn’t performing enough for God or fill in the blank of why I didn’t get the money. Eventually I got over it but it was a big ding in my spiritual self-esteem since I was believing for a miracle and it didn’t happen. After all being an elitist intern with God should have helped since I was essentially tithing my life, not just my money.
ESOAL happened around that time as well. I met with my team and knew most of them. We were united and all wanted to go to the very end. We had a pancake breakfast the day before to go over verses and all this stuff to build each other up. Like patty cake patty cake bakers man for the soul kind of stuff. Well – don’t think it helped much. I ended up ringing out the second day. You see my whole life I’ve been an emotional person. Very emotional. I’m the guy crying ten minutes in to “Extreme Make-over Home Edition.” I’ve had my fair share of emotionally stretching life events with death, divorce and school heartache. Going into ESOAL I felt emotionally immature and that I wasn’t grown up. Well needless to say ESOAL made me very emotional. On the second day they threw us into the sand pit and were shooting paintballs at us. Under normal circumstances I probably would have just sat there and taken it – or maybe if I’d watched a Bruce Willis movie I would have ramped myself up to go and kick some ass – yet ESOAL did not incite that kind of behavior in me – it did what it was designed to do – to make me feel awful and rely on this Peter Pan philosophy of praying it all away. Sure, did the holocaust suck and did people get through it by relying on God? Absolutely. But we don’t need to go around putting people in Holocaust situations when life itself is going to be a thunderstorm of crap from time to time. We were then asked to carry around ESOAL facilitators on picnic benches in the water in the middle of a warm spring day. I started to cry and I just had had enough. I rang out and went back to the dorm devastated that I allowed my emotions to “convince” me that I was done – when I thought I could have gone further. Regret beat me up over that for quite awhile – until one day when I finally realized that it was a dumb cultish thing to subject myself to in the first place. I wasn’t forced to do it – but I knew people who didn’t do ESOAL and we were all like – WHAT? How could you not do it? We all came here to be subject to Teen Mania’s every curve ball in the curriculum right? Exactly. We all came to do exactly what they told us to and if we didn’t then you were kicked out of the Garden of Eden.
As that current ATF season ended summer was quickly approaching and we had mandatory work days to help get the campus ready for the summer rush of Christian shit storm. I wasn’t going on a trip that summer so I was there to be in the heat of it all and try and get of campus as much as possible. I worked nearly everyday and then ended up having some more free time. A family friend came down to work as a volunteer and we would hang out from time to time. My August friends that year they were winding down their time as peers and were either getting ready to re-enter society or to become an intern leader in the fall. About this time I started to get sick of the same songs being used all the time on campus for worship. I’m a fleshy Christian I know – I wanted some variety and spice. Maybe that’s how a couple feels after having sex in the exact same way over and over and over again. So I was growing bored a bit and looking forward to some change even though I was going to miss my August friends. It was nice to get closer to graduating myself. Graduation came and went and then came the grieving phase. After all the Augusts were gone it really was an adjustment. New core. New room. New everything. I was also becoming an Assistant Core Advisor – basically I was in charge of the room and had to lead the room in everything. I had to set the example and be the thermometer of the temperature of the room. Ugh. Really? I did all this?
The shit hit the big metal fan in the call center during gauntlet week. The January callers seemed to be having a down day – myself included – so after lunch I got everyone together for a little prayer and motivation time. My supervisor Rebecca noticed that we took time off from calling and took me into her office to berate me and tell me that I should be working. It was not a fun uplifting way to be volunteering your life away then to get an angry rebuking lecture. I loathed her. I wanted to quit the Honor Academy that very day. In hindsight I wish I would have. Back then there was no Facebook – no way to keep in touch with people aside from email and I didn’t have a database of my friends made up for me to just get up and go. I didn’t want God to hate me for leaving – so I rolled my eyes at her and went back to work. Thankfully her beautiful assistant Annabelle was so nice gracious and lovely. She made up for her supervisor’s venom and malice. Again in her defense upper management of the bring-kids-to-Jesus corporation had high standards. Ironically the convention I worked on was the only fall event to sell out. In other words our event was a huge success. I went back to my new core to bond with my new roommates, solely focused on December graduation and hopefully then leaving the internship to go to college. 4 months left. Tick tock tick tock tick tock.
22 comments:
I’m glad you brought up the adventure trio to Morocco. I’ve known so many people who felt devastated when they didn’t raise enough money for a trip because it’s drilled into your head that not getting the money=not having faith in God’s provision. Realistically, most people have trouble residing extra funds for trips because A) your supporters are alreay tapped out and B) you’ve been away for a long time so people from home feel less connected to you and are less likely to give. How many times did I hear that God owns that cattle on a thousand hills and can provide for me? And like in your story, many other interns have felt totally crushed when God did not provide for a mission trip or to finish their year at HA. Thanks for reminding us how messed up that is!
Dang, dude. Dang. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you had some saving graces in the office, but that doesn’t make up for the… yeah.
Moral outrage aside, I love your style of writing. It’s engaging and easy to follow. Really pulls the reader in. Thank you for sharing! Can’t wait to read the rest. 🙂
I really did think I was the only one “doing it wrong” when I was trying to believe for money to come in for my internship, christmas trips, extra trips, next summer’s trip etc etc etc. But there was nobody there willing to tell this poor, tortured 18 year old the truth!! Looking forward to reading more…
“be the thermometer of the temperature in the room”…….boy if I had a nickel for every time I heard Nicki Bradshaw say that I think I would retire. yuck.
What does that even mean?
enlightenment – I think it means that they are supposed to “set the standard.” Back in our day, they used a different phrase – a leader’s lowest standard is a follower’s highest standard.
Funnily enough, I hear that exact same expression in the military. When I went to the NCO academy, they told us “your lowest standard is going to be your subordinates’ highest,” meaning that whatever area those beneath you (in whatever food chain we’re referring to) can see a weakness in, they latch onto that, and anytime they screw up, they just say “but look at what you did in this other situation.” It’s a lack of willingness to take responsibility…in the Army, it’s commonplace. Anyone under the rank of sergeant has the “excuse” (if they choose to use it) that they’re lower ranking and they don’t know what the right thing to do is, and that “if only I had a Non-Commissioned Officer to show me the right way, I wouldn’t be failing in this area.” Pure bologna. To an extent, common sense and a general understanding of the world tells us when being lazy is wrong, etc…or when a task is not completed correctly, there is no real excuse because there are handbooks to show you how to do almost anything in the military.
John but in REAL life we aren’t suppose to be LESS you are suppose to be the servant I know your history of TM followed by ORU followed by Military hasn’t given you a real world perspective but don’t dog on others for having one!
Andy I think you are so strong just for putting up with that department for that long I think under that environment I would have been ready to say shove it far before you did.
heartsfire, I don’t understand what you’re referring to…”don’t dog on others for having one!”? When did I do this? I was mentioning the fact that the same saying that Nicki Bradshaw used is even used in the military, and that human nature is for us to find a flaw with a leader and harp on that when we ourselves come under attack. I wasn’t arguing with nor belittling anyone with my post.
John you have come in here and talked down to everyone here treating us like because we don’t just give up to your way of thinking. If we wanted a military education we would have been in the military or gone to a military academy so we could have gotten both. I know when I went they were selling it as a ministry training year not a military camp so those types of ideals should have NO PLACE. We are suppose to learn to teach the love of God and instead we spent a year playing war games in Texas and learning that we are shit unless we act perfectly all the time. That you can say that the things you heard at the HA you hear at the Military for all of us who never had any interest in the Military is kinda illustrating how horrid a situation it was.
heartsfire – I think what you perceive as being “talked down to” is John just giving his honest opinion. I don’t think he is intentionally trying to disrespect anyone in the community, he just really doesn’t understand where we are coming from.
John – You mentioned elsewhere that TM doesn’t have a specific “mold” that they push everyone into…Seeing that you went from TM to ORU to the military tells me that you couldn’t see the mold because you were perfectly in it! Those 3 organizations are the faves of Ron, Dave and company. It’s possible, though I obviously couldn’t know for sure – but I’m basing this on a lot of experience – that because you fit the mold (which, if thats who you are is NOT a bad thing) people, even your friends, would be unlikely to be honest with you about their problems with or at TM. If none of your friends told you about their abuse, it would be hard for you to understand that it happened.
How is that for a run-on sentence?
@RA, I think it’s a lot of coincidence, really, that I fit into any kind of mold you refer to. I mean, I had a few options looking at college, but most of them happened to be based on the fact that the Navy offered me a full ride to a couple of places…it wasn’t out of any desire to join the Navy, believe me, and as soon as I spent a night with the Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M, I was like “Oh hell no!” ORU was the only other option that popped into my mind, and that was before I knew that Ron and TM were affiliated whatsoever…my parents met and were married there, and I was born a couple of years later. Perhaps this mold existed, but nobody told me, wtf lol. Perhaps the incentive of having an HA scholarship to ORU (tiny though the scholarship was) in addition to academic and one from my parents being alumni, well, they all conspired against me, I guess. But I don’t regret it. I had to work out a lot of stuff at TM that didn’t make sense, such as my view of God, His “plan” for my life, etc., but I don’t think of all the stuff I had to unlearn or reprocess as abuse, I guess that’s the difference. We are who are experiences and choices have made us. As long as I carry that outlook and believe that God has my best interests at heart, I can get past the guilt of daily wrong choices that I’ve made in the past. That’s not to say that I should just do whatever I want because God has the ability to fix it, but that I can’t live in regret over the things I cannot change.
I’m glad that when I eventually DID join the military that it wasn’t the Navy (though I’m convinced that the Air Force would have been better than the Army, in hindsight). However, the Army was the one who came to my door and promised me all these “good” things in addition to paying off my huge loans from ORU. Aside from both of those branches of the Armed Services that approached me (the Navy after I took my SAT, and the Army while I was at ORU) offering to pay for my college, I had no realistic idea that I would ever seriously consider the military. It’s been quite an experience, and though I would not do it over again if I had the chance (at least not the same career path), it is a chapter of my life that is thankfully coming to a close in August.
I believe that, while my “fitting a mold” might have had something to do with not developing a whole lot of close relationships and therefore not hearing anything about abuse from my peers, I actually think it was more of my annoying/judgmental personality. I had to make a number of mistakes (most of them while serving in the Army) before I realized the fullness of God’s grace and the folly of being critical of others. That’s not to say that I no longer point things out that I see, some things become 2nd nature after so long, but I do generally give people the benefit of the doubt, the chance to prove my initial assumptions/reactions wrong, which is a huge step of progress for me. The divorce I am going through right now is a struggle for me, as I have a hard time justifying it Biblically but at the same time there is a freedom I can’t explain that happened when my wife told me she wanted the divorce. I used to think divorced people had serious issues, and now that I’m one of “those people,” I feel a self-loathing because of my previous stance on the subject.
John – For the record, I wasn’t implying that fitting that mold was a bad thing – so long as that was the authentic you. Coming from an ORU family means that you likely shared the same sorts of assumptions about the Christian faith that TM did…anywho, no need to belabor that point.
Glad to hear about your journey in learning to walk in grace instead of judgment. That is one journey we all share!
I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. God extends grace for every situation – so no self-loathing required! I’m sure you’ll get there in time. Thanks for your vulnerability and honesty.
John I need to apologize to you. I was with you at TM and you were not someone who extended much Grace to anyone I will state that. I now see that may have been a result of your up bringing and having been taught to live a certain way from the outset. When you popped on here I remembered how you treated many people I knew who did NOT fit the mold and got over angry. Forgive me? I am sorry about your divorce but bad things happen to good people sometimes and sometimes the things you think you want when young are not what you feel is beneficial for you when you were old. I am sorry I let old prejudices get in the way!
John,
I would agree with heartsfire, the HA is NOT a military training camp and is not related to anything close to the military. There is no place for military-like stuff at the HA, yet it is filled with it.
I would argue that Christian culture has become more closely aligned with military themes in recent years. The HA is no different- from Battlecry, to Unshakable, to ESOAL and other militaristic components.
The difference, however, is that we didn’t sign up for the military. The military is a select group of individuals– it was not designed for anyone and everyone to be involved in. I wouldn’t last a moment in the military because I don’t do well with being yelled at.
ESOAL was made to be a VERY spiritual event. Every event at the HA was somehow spiritual, even when it wasn’t. Pike’s Peak is a perfect example of that.
John
I know for a fact that you had to know of Ron and Heath’s affiliation with ORU as Ron shouted it from the rooftop, and even mentioned, in chapel and other classes, that he went there. It’s a well documented fact at TM that he designed the internship from his time there, even down to some of the rules. Didn’t you have a “Core” of like 6 to 8 guys when at ORU? My sister had a core of girls when she went, with the same structure as the HA and everything.
@ARA from 00-01,
I said I was considering going to ORU BEFORE I knew of TM’s close connection to ORU…I didn’t say that I didn’t know of it at TM, I was merely pointing out the fact that before I heard about the HA, ORU was already one of my college opportunities.
And no, ORU does not have cores. They have floors and wings, as many colleges nationwide have. I don’t know what “core of girls” your sister had, there is nothing like that as far as I’m aware. The wings (which consist of anywhere between 20-36 people) are simply people who live on the same floor. They do encourage wing participation and wing involvement, as well as brother-sister wing functions, but it’s not really the same. There is a Resident Advisor (every college has these as far as I’m aware), a wing chaplain (pretty much limited to Christian colleges), and an academic peer advisor. The RA’s enforce the rules, the wing chaplains lead weekly devotions and serve in some capacity on occasion in campus chapel services and outreaches…Core Advisors in the HA are pretty much a combination of RA’s and wing chaplains though usually a wing is two or three times the size of a core.
As far as ESOAL goes, are you saying the event is totally useless and lacks purpose? Or that there just doesn’t need to be a military-like basis (such as companies, majors, captains, etc.) for it? If the latter, then yes, perhaps there might be other, more effective ways of stretching people emotionally other than bringing a military perspective…however, it is pretty stressful and perhaps the only model they have to follow. I can’t speak for Battlecry, I’ve been too out of the loop. The last ATF I went to was last year (2009-2010?), and I was only able to attend the first night because of inclement weather (Richmond, VA anytime in late Jan through early March is not the best time/place to be holding any kind of event if a blizzard stops people from coming, but we can talk about Teen Mania’s travel agent staff later, lol). I don’t remember a lot of the drama to be honest, because I was in Ministry Team mode watching all the behind-the-scene stuff…it really ruins the ability to “just attend” an event after a year of your life is spent backstage flashing an “A Access” badge. I spent some time talking to some of the MT, the SWAT/Support teams, and the MT advisor. It was great to reminisce about road life, the ministry and impact that was happening, struggles with finances, etc. I really felt like I had family, though I had never met them before…wow, all that to say that I can’t speak for the militaristic aspect of Battlecry, lol.
So apparently I missed the spiritual aspect of it, or rather, I didn’t feel that failing to complete ESOAL or not doing ESOAL to begin with was a sign of spiritual disconnect. I probably would agree that I, in my (already established) legalistic mindset, probably thought less of individuals who did not even attempt ESOAL out of fear or a perceived lack of inspiration, and I’m not defending my actions or trying to justify them, only explain the stage of life I was in. As stated, I did look to my team for encouragement and turned to prayer for strength from God, but I didn’t feel like anyone who rang out was “less spiritual.” I guess that’s what I should have said originally.
@ John Fessler– In spiritually terms, if we go by the Bible then ESOAL is indeed “totally useless”– pretty much those exact words, even. Have a look:
“If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations—’Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch’ (referring to things that all perish as they are used)—according to human precepts and teachings? These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.” (Colossians 2:20-23, ESV)
Strict “regulations” that promote “asceticism and severity to the body” may have “an appearance of wisdom” but are ultimately “of no value.”
ESOAL is totally useless and lacks purpose, yes. Unless perhaps you consider Cultic Mind Control Techniques a useful purpose.
See also the post and comments on Dave Hasz’s teaching The Theology of ESOAL. The event is specifically designed for indoctrination into Hasz’s view that ESOAL will help you achieve “Burial And Resurrection” of the flesh– which, as Colossians 2 makes perfectly clear, is false teaching and legalism.
…
wait the verse says “no value”?
LOL, Hasz taught us that it said “little value”, which meant “some”, lol. Which was his justification behind Corporate.
uh wow.
Unless there’s another verse that says something about physical discipline and having “little value” but LOL I don’t care enough to check right now.
WOW THAT LAST POST WAS LITTERED WITH LOLs.
hi what is proofreading
The Morocco bit was a huge blow to my internship year. I was truly devastated and it really effected my beliefs on faith and miracles. Granted – I was praying for something ridiculous – but on the flip side I’ve always wondered if the Bible is true about having faith like a mustard seed – then why didn’t the funds come in? I’ve heard all the answers to that question by the way – so no need to try and answer it here.
Oh God – the ACA meetings wow. I’d nearly forgotten about them. Sigh. I bought in hook line and sinker. I do remember some January interns who weren’t ACAs then having new August intern ACAs and the drama that caused – I guess I’m glad I still got to be the ACA because I got to do all the paperwork and tell everyone how awesome or terrible they were – since it was my TMM mandated responsibility.