Since leaving the Honor Academy I’ve gone through a quagmire of emotionally stretching opportunities in my life. I started the internship ten years ago and of course the entire experience wasn’t all bad – there were positive moments and experiences, yet over the years I have been haunted by this feeling that I failed miserably and so therefore I’m a failure. Being joyful and happy are somewhat distant memories as I haven’t really experienced that on a regular basis for a long time. I used to have huge ambitions and dreams and now nearly ten years later its a struggle to get out of bed and just do simple things some days. One of the dangers of the Honor Academy is the grandiose, fantasyland things that get put in kids’ minds. I was young, as we all were, and I was extremely impressionable. I was more fearful of Teen Mania’s disapproval on my life than God himself at around the time I left – which was why it was so devastating. Also you must know that I don’t hate Teen Mania. My younger sister was graduating high school and college just didn’t look like a good fit for her at the time and so I mentioned the Honor Academy to her. I was able to give her some advice on how to handle it and not go in there and become a brainwashed lemming. She ended up going and meeting her husband there. I went back to Teen Mania to drop her off and for her graduation – where I would meet the soon to be husband who is a great guy. Now as of today with some of the recent developments on this blog and Teen Mania’s lack of sincere response – I would NEVER recommend someone to attend any of their events.
I made it through college, I started working professionally and somehow I ended up being a flight attendant for a very large airline. I now live in NYC and between working a lot and trying to connect with people in my off time it doesn’t make for a very easy existence – yet I watch the news and see that all things considered I am still blessed and will find my way. I still wonder how this life adventure is going to end and wonder if I’ll arrive at the end a whole, complete, thriving and happy person, or if I’ll still be haunted by things of the past and walk in defeat, and sadness. Of course I hope for the former and definitely not the latter. I’m in the process of considering new places to live and new opportunities.
Since I left Teen Mania, I’ve run into two former Teen Mania big wigs twice in the strangest, most random ways possible on God’s green earth. I don’t quite remember which happened first, but one time I was having lunch with a friend in SoHo in NYC and just as we were entering a restaurant my former boss Rod A. was walking out with his family. I was somewhat stunned and in a way I wanted to say hello, but considering the last time I saw him was in an emotional state of Charlie Sheen like crazy – I wasn’t sure what to say. Not only that but I had at one point sought him out on a social networking site and sent an apology message a few years after the original event and never heard back, so I didn’t quite wish to set myself up for a public embarrassment.
In my job, I work with new people everyday. So there comes a point every time that I’m working where inevitably people will ask me questions about my past. I’m an open book, I’ll pretty much tell anyone anything. I don’t have much to hide and I’m not ashamed to be honest with people. I’m in Istanbul Turkey in the spring of 2009. I go to the Hagia Sophia Mosque with my co-worker and we are having a good time talking about life stories and philosophies. She was a Christian so of course I had much to tell her about my development and where I was as a gay “Christian”. No more then two minutes after telling her about Teen Mania, a white man walked by with dark hair, sunglasses, a smug look, and what appeared to be a cough drop of some sort moving about in his mouth. It was a double take moment out of the movies causing me to have an out of body experience where I froze and had to come back to earth. I turned around and followed the gentlemen. No more than a few moments later did this tiny white woman come out from behind him. I was looking at Ron and Katie Luce, apparently with a tour group in Istanbul. I was completely caught off guard – especially since I was just talking about them. I didn’t approach them or have anything to say to them really as I hadn’t discovered this blog yet and I didn’t really know that Teen Mania didn’t really care as much as I’d hope they would about making positive changes to the ministry (that can be seen in the Board of Director’s response to the request of recovering alumni). If I were back in Istanbul today – the outcome would have probably been different. And just last week, Pam Stenzel walked onboard one of my flights and that was super crazy as well.
As of today its weird that I don’t view Christianity as a religion of love – it’s a religion of judgment and hypocrisy. I would never tell someone I am a Christian – ever. When I first saw the movie Saved! in 2004 – fresh out of Teen Mania, I didn’t really like it. It is a film about a Christian high school and events surrounding a young girl who tries to convert her gay boyfriend by sleeping with him, she gets pregnant and well – all judgment breaks loose. Aside from its satiric overtones I’d say it hits the nail on the head when dealing with the general attitude of mainstream Christians in America today. No thanks. I’d rather go it alone than put up with that nonsense. Christians are so quick to think that they need to judge others in order to save them and help them change their lives – its quite the opposite actually.
I think this blog ultimately has helped my anger towards Teen Mania simmer down somewhat – honestly, after reading of the many stories I don’t have much to be upset about in comparison – but that is just the thing I’ve spent my twenties battling – comparing myself to others. It’s a dangerous thing to do and ultimately unnecessary – I am on my walk – it doesn’t matter where others are on theirs because my journey is mine and it took me a long time to stop comparing myself to others. I may not be in the job I want, I may deal with depression, I may be gay, I may not fit into the Christian mold, yet no matter all of my faults – I’m genuine and in the end I’d rather be a genuine me than a fake somebody else. The eighth anniversary of leaving Teen Mania just passed and for years my “failure” there haunted me – yet I was never a failure. I was a misguided, well intentioned, over-worked zealous kid who beat himself up for not meeting this intense, overhyped, unrealistic standard for me to live my life. It’s nice to finally realize that I wasn’t abnormal or a freak, that I truly wasn’t alone. This may end my story here on this blog but it’s definitely not the end of my story – that will come in time and I’ll get there, it may not be an easy road but full healing from the hurts of my past may be closer than ever before.
14 comments:
“I don’t view Christianity as a religion of love – it’s a religion of judgment and hypocrisy.” I couldn’t agree more.
As for feeling like a “failure”, I often feel the same way. Like I’ve come up a few inches short on the imaginary measuring stick of awesomeness. Bummer. :
“I’m genuine and in the end I’d rather be a genuine me than a fake somebody else.”
Great quote, Andy. Thanks for sharing your story–you sound like an awesome person! ((hugs))
I prefer to refer to myself as a follow of Jesus–I can’t stand the way “Christians” act–I agree with you.
and Phoenix–you definintely do NOT fall short on the measuring stick of awesomeness… 🙂
“I still wonder how this life adventure is going to end and wonder if I’ll arrive at the end a whole, complete, thriving and happy person, or if I’ll still be haunted by things of the past and walk in defeat, and sadness.” Much of Part 6 of your story feels so familiar to me. They are things I definitely deal with and I am coming to a realization that I was and maybe am angry with myself. I too have been depressed and lacking in self-confidence. I don’t believe in myself and that is leading me to fail in my commitments to myself and others thus failing others and creating a growing list of evidence proving I am untrustworthy or not worthy being believed in. If I can’t believe in myself how can others continue to believe in me when I can’t move or motivate? I too hope for better things and to overcome this yet I am reminded by the past few years of growing failures and I am asked, “What makes this situation any different from what you’ve tried in the past few years for me to believe you?” I can only hope that God intervenes as I am helpless to help myself.
Andy I am so glad you are working on becoming a whole person as you regardless of what that means for many around you. This story is amazing in all 6 parts. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself over the past week and a half. Sometimes we go through the dark so we can light our own fires I have learned that lately and I hope that your dark doesn’t take you to far down. *HUGS* Just be who you are and around those who care about you for WHO you are not what they want you to be!
Thanks guys for your kind words of encouragement. I appreciate it.
To Phoenix and Anonymous @ 2:09 PM – It can be rough feeling like you don’t measure up. Depression doesn’t help either. I just spent this weekend watching all seven Harry Potter films with a friend who had never seen any of them. We did them all practically back to back with one break for sleep – and even though it was an exhausting ride – there are several moments throughout the series I just love.
JK Rowling said the idea of dementors came about from her depression. The Prisoner of Azkaban is one of my favorite of the films not only for its story but also how director Alfanso Cuaron brilliantly moved the film series in a different direction. I love everything about the film.
A quote from Dumbledore:
A word of caution: dementors are vicious creatures. They will not distinguish between the one they hunt and the one who gets in their way. Therefore I must warn each and every one of you to give them no reason to harm you. It’s not in the nature of a dementor to be forgiving. But you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light.”
Every day it may be a challenge to turn on the light – but its something we have to try to do. It’s not always easy, and maybe we all have different methods – but let’s turn on the light and cast our patronus charms and keep the dementors at bay.
Expecto Patronum!
Andy, thanks so much- again!
Good story.
A thought that has recently troubled me. I’ve gotten to the point where I am completely utterly sure that I have ruined my life 2-4 times a month since I left T.M.
So I keep telling my friends, “guys?!?!? dude?!?!?! am I going to be ok????” and they are ALWAYS really annoyed and confused as to how I would even draw that conclusion. But I can’t seem to think anything else. I’m really thinking in my head – it’s all freaking over! What ever the situation may be, I did something and it will ruin a potential relationship, I missed a meeting, made a friend upset, slept too long. What ever it was, if I mess up I usually freak out and think I’ve ruined everything.
I don’t know if anyone else feels that way on here.
Also – I was thinking yesterday that T.M. really was like a big summer camp. Everyone said it, but it’s true. There were always 100 things happening all the time and if stuff wasn’t happening you felt lazy or lame and not cool. It’s not like you could just go for a walk at Teen Mania, you had to go for a walk and hear from God.
You couldn’t just eat lunch, you had to eat lunch while making some kind of benefit to Teen Mania. Does that make since here? you couldn’t actually just be normal and relax at the Honor Academy. So now I think most of us feel guilty for just being normal? Or, if you’re like me, you can’t even figure out what normal is anymore.
Also- Andy – I really can’t even think of a time that I emailed someone at Teen Mania and they emailed me back. Even right now thinking about it, it’s very painful. I’ve sat there for a few days (and at some points it was like a month.) waiting for a response email from people at the Honor Academy, only to find it was never going to happen.
I felt like a looser. I still do, like my time was not wanted or appreciated. But the truth is they are ass-holes.
And – on Christianity not being a religion of love. I would love to say I agree but I don’t. God really loves us and has genuinely given me a new heart with the ability to be able to love selflessly. AND He warned us about these people. (religious hypocrites) He actually protected us and stood up to them for us too! Just look what’s happening now!?! If this community wasn’t a result of God’s justice and His zeal for us to see the truth and be healed I don’t know what is! Not to even mention the one that started the blog obviously loves God and is a Christian and that’s the whole reason this started! If Christianity was really not love, this would not even be able to happen, because everyone would be selfish and not care how everyone else is doing.
I can understand being hurt by the RELIGION ‘Christianity.’ But God’s love is for real and tangible.
Wow. this is getting long. I’ll stop there. 🙂
Andy, again, thanks for your story. I’m glad you were so open. I know that was hard. Freaking Teen Mania is so F’ed up. and now I’m just really pissed they treated you the way they did. I’m so sorry. Who do they think they are?
Oh man – today has been a day of incomplete thoughts. *sigh* After the measuring stick of awesomeness comment, I ment to say something fantastic and profound like we are more than the sum of our achievements, blah, blah, blah…but how can I top Harry Potter!
Then I ment to say – Andy Thank you for this candid and authentic glimpse into your life. I think it’s amazing! Your amazing! I’m so glad you’re on this path of truth and self discovery and letting go of the TM bs.
Shiloh – OMG!!! you haven’t ruined your life at the most there might have been a slight detour at TM but only if you want to see it at that. It’s just part of the road map of your life – now (thankfully) you’re moving on.
Shiloh, I know that I’ve definitely felt that way. I have second-guessed myself, my actions, so many times because they didn’t measure up to some sort of standard (usually someone else’s). Only recently have I started to loosen up on myself in that respect. In fact, I’ve gone from a staunch sovereignty standpoint to a strange (for me) but very liberating freewill stance (someday I hope to be back in the middle somewhere; I just need to bring up that terminology to show where I’m coming from). This has allowed me to feel like I have control of the situations that I am in and the ones that are yet to come. It’s so darn hard to not blame yourself for not doing this or that thing correctly or in the right time when there’s a looming cloud of judgement overhead because of something that didn’t happen perfectly or expediently or according to the Lord’s will. I think that TM’s teachings and ambience put a very dangerous burden on a lot of our shoulders, and it doesn’t belong to us, and it never has.
Does that speak to what you’re talking about it, or is it different?
Andy,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and being vulnerable with us. I can relate in many ways to the feelings you deal with. I have gotten good at squelching those toxic thoughts very quickly with positive ones when they come up. I AM awesome and I can tell you are too! You’re a flight attendant, dude! I’ve always thought that would be a kinda really awesome job! You live in NYC, too? fricken sweet! You are such a genuine, real person TOO!!??? Uh, yeah, FULL of awesomesauce!
@Shiloh, I think I hear you saying that God *is* love so of course Christianity is a religion of love. Because god = chistianity? I would challenge that with yes, perhaps love is god. But it does not then follow that Chistianity equals love. God is not something that is owned by the religion of christianity. I don’t give a rip about if anyone is a “christian” but I do care VERY MUCH about this community. This community happened because RA followed her heart and other compassionate hearts took the time and effort to join the cause. It’s just a thought challenge though girl. I do love you! I am so proud of you, too for the strides you are taking back from your TM detour. 😉
@Enlightenment- I’m going to take a HUGE stride back from my T.M. detour and say Christianity = A relationship with God.
I wouldn’t call Christianity a religion but I would say it is the true way to get to God. (I.E. – Jesus is God, He’s the only way, He fills us with His Holy Spirit which gives us the ability to see and hear Him… So on and so forth.)
I don’t care if anyone here is a Christian or not either. I was just stating my opinion that God actually has the power to convert someone into a loving and whole, joyful person and it sucks that so many people have lost hope in that for very real, convincing reasons.
I discovered the Harry Potter series right about the same time I started studying spiritual abuse. Two words: Delores Umbridge.
Give her hell for us, Peeves!
Andy, you certainly are a gifted writer. I couldn’t put
your story down.
Your story shows me I need to
think about some of my current
beliefs.
thanks for sharing your story. oh, and the “god’s annointed youth” thing had be dying. you’re as funny as you are kind. love you, andy!!