Ashley’s Story: Part 2

ESOAL came and went, and time carried on. I still got up for corporate, went to classes, did my homework, went to my ministry placement, had my quiet times, met with my accountability partner…completed all of my duties as the “perfect intern”; however that feeling that something wasn’t quite right still plagued me. It was like something was constantly weighing on my shoulders like a dark cloud was on the horizon but the bright light of TM always masked it. I was in the middle of a complete spiritual and emotional battle, and was fighting it alone because everyone pushed it off on me as if it we’re my fault or problem that it was happening. I was a mess on the inside, but on the outside nothing was wrong.

Now probably one of the worst and most emotionally scarring events of my life took place during my time at TM. We had a womens class where we had the time to just listen and talk about emotional and physical issues that plague us as women, and one of those meetings was one of the most mortifying and embarrasing moments of my life. We were discussing, ironically, emotional issues and how we deal with them and the class leader asked for volunteers. I felt this overwhelming need to share my story so I raised my hand and was one of the young women called forward. I sat there and politely listened to the others share their stories, and my heart truly went out to them because we all shared a common thread or emotional distress and current healing; and finally it was my turn. Now if you remember me saying, I am a very opinionated and open person…but I am also very, very shy and don’t like to open up to people I am not close to (even those who know me best know its hard for me to let people in) and here I was sitting on a stage ready to tell one of the most devastating events of my life. My room of peers and friends sat quitely as I told them my story, even looked appropriately sympathetic when my emotions finally got the best of me, but there were those few people as I stared out into the room that had this look of…..for lack of a better term disgusted. (I will not go into details of the story I told the room that day, however to give you a grounding point the story of that point in my life sounds like a script from Law and Order SVU). I finished my story, and the other young women finished theirs, the class ended, and we all went on our merry ways. It wasn’t until a few days later that I realized that there were people that I had grown to know and care about that refused to speak to me….and I found out a few months later that there were rumors flying around in regards to the life story I had emotionally bared to my fellow interns. This was just one of the major emotional blows that still bother me to this day.

Around Feb. is when I finally completely shut down. I had pushed, and prayed, and fought, and cried, I had done everything I could think of to make myself into what I believed TM wanted in a Christian; and I couldn’t fit the TM mould. I couldn’t do it……and I felt failure. This was also the time when the Lord decided to take one of our number home to Him. (Mod note: the intern died in her sleep) She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met, always smiling…singing a tune to her Maker. She was also one of the purest people I had ever met, one of the only ones who didn’t judge me for my past. She saw everyone as I believe the Lord sees us, as who we can be…not who we we’re. Her death was a serious blow to my already unstable emotional and mental state, and I completely shut down. I became a living, breathing, TM zombie. I went through the paces….just like I had in the beginning, but I was numb.

It was around this time that I truly started to listen, and to notice what I was being taught; and it was then that I started to notice the little details that didn’t quite fit. The double negatives, the contradictions, the vague descriptions and explanations…I had noticed TM’s “because I say so” attitude. We were given all of these rules and regulations which we had to follow, or we were kicked to the curb. All of these rules had very vague and brief Scriptural backing….but had, what I believe to be, very human consequences. Break a rule….bye bye…you’re gone…no second chance. I had many close friends, and even the man who is now my husband, dismissed for things that in a normal, growing, helpful situation would have been addressed and they would have recieved help for. Instead people we’re ousted without a second glance. It was also at this time that I truly started to realize my own state.

It was May, 9 months in of a one year internship. I was in the worst physical condition I had ever been in, the doctor had placed me in an immobilizer because corporate had finally pushed my knee injury over the edge and my kneecap decided to completely detatch and rotate to the back of my leg, and I was miserable. The people I had been closest to started to turn on me…restarting the “complacent and lazy” comments that I had finally thought I had outgrown in my TM life. My emotions were in shambles…and were about to be tested yet again. The World Awareness LTE was upon us, and everyone was excited….everyone but me. I was forced by staff, my CA, and peers to participate even though I was still in the healing stages of my injuries. The LTE began and already I was in pain, and being, lets call it persuaded,…by GI’s with paintball guns to run. We weere all assembled, complete chaos broke loose…we were running out the auditorium doors, and crack…..oh the joys of feeling your knee cap do a 180 for the second time in your life. By this time we had stationed ourselves in our camp for the night, I popped my knee back in place, and waited out the night intending to speak with a staff member the next day seeing as none of us knew any of the procedure in this complete chaos.

The next day as we all filed into the auditorium for a movie I sought out a staff member in which to voice my concerns. The first one I came across was Dave Hasz, a man I respect greatly and knew would hear me out and give me reasonable advice. I approached him and shared my concern about my injury, at this time I was barely able to remain mobile on my own, often requiring assistance from a fellow intern. He politely listened to my plight and answered in a manner such as this…”Does remaining in a dorm room for a weekend, or remaining in a campsite surrounded by your peers make any difference at this point. If you can walk you can continue the LTE.” (Mind you this is just a paraphrase not exact words…it was said much more eloquently and was much longer that this). So for an entire weekend…I was without pain medication, sleep deprived, dirty, and in some of the worst pain of my life.

By the time the weekend was over there were a select few of us who had to be transported around by vehicle becauase we could no longer walk due to injuries sustained during the weekend. Needless to say its not something I will ever wish to do again, and several hundred dollars later I got the wonderful news that I now must have my knee replaced; and I was supposed to believe that this had all happened for God’s reasons. By this time….I no longer bought it. TMs wonderful world had shattered.

Unfortunately I have to say that my last few months, I don’t really remember. I have completely blocked them out. But what I do have to say is the words of my closest friends and family who have been with me through thick and thin. And according to them the person that got off that plane was not the person that got on it 12 months earlier…and the change wasn’t for the better. In the words of my mother, I was an empty shell of the person I had been before. My emotional, physical and mental state had been so beaten down in the attempted “intern mold” that I am still recovering. My relationship with my Maker is still healthy and strong, and now I know without a shadow of a doubt when it is His voice leading me. The only reason I even graduated was because I had given my word to finish…and that I would not break. The Honor Academy was not the worst time of my life, and the healing process is well underway. There are no hard feelings, I do not hate anyone there or harbor any distateful emotions towards them or the institution; and I have even begun to repair those relationships that were tarnished. I just wished to share my experience so that past, present, and future interns, staff or whomever may read this know that something needs to change…things need to be addressed so that people like me, and so many others are no longer overlooked, and hurt by the institution that is supposed to help them grow.

16 comments:

Anonymous says:
May 18, 2010 at 7:04 AM

Thank you, Ashley. My favorite part is where you say that now, without a doubt, you know when it is God leading or speaking to you, as opposed to all those spiritual voices we internalize. It seems no one ever tells us to trust the gracious instincts and movements of God in our heart which lead to natural growth & the awakening of life in and through us. The “machine” of religion so often crushes the divine spark in our souls; control through spiritual guilt puts us in a box and precludes the extravagant expression of God’s creative grace in the bare clay of our lives. The oppressor (whether church, institution, or leader) always fears the freedom of the masses, whereas Jesus came so that we could have overflowing, abundant, bubbling-up-like-a-geyser life. I feel like William Wallace yelling, “FREEDOM!!”
Your story is kind of a miracle and I pray blessing on your continued recovery.

-Joy G.

‘Derek’ says:
May 18, 2010 at 7:47 AM

Ashley – As I sit here and read your words, I’m left semi-speechless with the only word coming to mind is WOW. I can’t believe that you were treated that way, yet I still can believe it. I am glad that you are still walking with God.

squeakycheez07 says:
May 18, 2010 at 8:16 AM

Man. This story is so recent. And to think i was on campus when you were, and if I’m right, I know who’s core you were in. I wish i would have gotten to know.
The awareness LTE is hands down the most un-organized dangerous LTE. Thank GOD I wasn’t on campus for either one of them.

My prayers go out to you. How is your knee?

squeakycheez07 says:
May 18, 2010 at 8:18 AM

Sorry. I left out the “you” in my sentence. I wish I would have gotten to know you.

Ashleysays:May 18, 2010 at 8:34 AM

Joy- Your words are indeed truth and most defenately inspiring and uplifting. That is exactly how it feels now looking back on the “box” that our growth was (wether it was intentional or not) put into by the TM world. God has been so gracious in showing me these exact things and in just bringing me back to the place where His and my relationship is ours and not dictated by anyone but Him. Thank you so much for your support and prayers :).

Derek- Unfortunately I wasn’t the only one to go through this kind of treatment. This site is a neverending mirror of this fact. However thankfully there is the grace of the Lord and the help of good friends and family in Him.

Squeaky- There is still time to get to know me 🙂 as I would love to get to know you. The World Awareness LTE as well as ESOAL are basically pointless, and this in entirely my opinion, as well as severely dangerous; and I am so thankful to hear that you didn’t participate….you are blessed in that retrospect :). My knee is ok…or as well as to be expected. Its on the way to healing and hopefully with some new procedures in medicine it won’t require full replacement.

gc1998 says:
May 18, 2010 at 8:49 AM

that attitude of complete intolerance for physical injuries or weakness…turning that into a character issue…makes me so livid.
i’m so sorry that you were treated that way…and that people did not respond with grace and kindness after you shared your story. that is…just…awful.
i’m glad that you are on the road to healing.

mom of ex-intern says:
May 18, 2010 at 9:30 AM

Ashley, thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for what you went through. I, too, appreciated Joy’s words of truth and encouragement posted in the comments and am glad that you were inspired by them also.

I will add you to to my yet-growing list of prayers for former interns: that you will fully heal from both physical and emotional scars from TM (and from your scars before then) May God bless you.

Eric P. says:
May 18, 2010 at 10:57 AM

Ashley, wow. There is so much wrong that happened to you that I don’t even know where to start.

Perhaps the most staggering part is that anybody could be conditioned to see these things as good–yet it happens every year to hundreds of young people.

I do hope your line about Dave Hasz’s “reasonable advice” was intended ironically, because that was about the most preposterous advice imaginable. Sounds like he could go on Dogbert’s Bad Advice Show.

‘Derek’ says:
May 18, 2010 at 12:12 PM

Ashley – Believe me, I know. My story is on here as well. My abuse wasn’t physical as much as it was straight emotional, but it still hurts to this day, and I was there 10 years ago.

Anonymous says:
May 18, 2010 at 12:13 PM

Wow! I cannot imagine going through that! I’m glad you are healing and are still in tune with your Maker. That is the most important!
N.

Stephanie says:
May 18, 2010 at 5:24 PM

I am shocked that TM is still treating women with sexual abuse stories as if they were tainted (Okay… I’m not shocked at all, but I am pissed, seriously, deeply, throw things at the wall pissed.)

There was one night when we were supposed to confess our sexual sin and be healed by god. I admitted to something that happened to me (not that I cause or was consenual in anyway.) I was told that I needed to be delieved of the spirit of the whore a babalon.

It is not okay to have people bare their soul and share their pain if you are not going to support them and help them continue to heal.

they way we were treated is not okay. And that it still happening shows that the leadership is completely obtuse to the ill effects they are causing those who are under their care.

Recovering Alumni says:
May 18, 2010 at 5:30 PM

Stephanie – WHAT?! You have got to be freakig kidding me! Sadly, I know you are not. Talk about blaming the victim! I’m glad you realize that they were wrong and I’m sorry you went through that. Have you sent your story to the Board of Directors (or to me) yet?

Anonymous says:
May 18, 2010 at 5:46 PM

Q: is World Awareness the Unreached People group LTE? If not what is it?

Norelle Done says:
June 22, 2010 at 7:19 PM

The world awareness LTE is a new one. It was started my year (06-07) as a surprise LTE, and it may still be that, and takes place later in the spring…I don’t know what it’s become, but when I went through it the idea was that the leadership (staff, GIs, etc.) all become a hostile group that take over the campus. Interns and a select few GIs have to hide out in the woods and do a scavenger hunt for “parts” for a “bus” to “escape.” It sounds fine, except that the staff and GIs who are hostile patrol with paintball guns and vehicles, and imprison any interns they capture in the missionary bathrooms and make them do corporate in the hot sun in the middle of the afternoon, keep them up all night doing random stuff, and grill them about their faith. During all this, everyone is called in to the auditorium throughout the course of the weekend to watch movies that Dave Hasz has deemed “world awareness-related”. These movies show extreme stuff, one was “Beyond Borders” with Angelina Jolie, and I don’t remember the others, because I kind of blocked that LTE out of my head.

Shannon Kish says:
June 22, 2010 at 10:00 PM

Norelle…

WTF does that have to do with Jesus or growing closer to God?

Sean says:
November 12, 2011 at 5:20 AM

I wondered when the World Awareness LTE would come up. (Sorry I’m a year and a half late)

Ashley – I was part of the planning committee for World Awareness in 08. I’m sorry for any part I had in causing you more pain. I was not aware that we had people injured to that extent before/from our event.