Ellen’s Story: Part 2

Here is the 2nd part of Ellen’s letter to the board. If you plan to send your story in, but haven’t yet, please consider doing so by the end of the week. The board hasn’t set a deadline, but I know they need enough information to be able to decide how and if they will convene an investigation. And now, the rest of Ellen’s story…

The second year brought with it a new level of intensity. The internship went from a group of a little over 100 to 500 with the new incoming August class. As a Graduate Intern it was my responsibility to find my own job assignment within the ranks of the ministry. I had originally found a position as an administrative assistant within the International Operations Department (now Global Expeditions) where I had worked the second half of my first year. However, my supervisor to-be had been my team leader on my summer mission trip had decided that he would rather not work with me and instead of telling me this, had another intern inform me that she would be filling the role and I would need to find another position. There were no reasons sited. After learning I had no job, I went to my advisor and learned that if I didn’t find another position within 48 hours I would be dismissed and sent home. I was also told at that time that even though I had successfully lost some weight, it was not enough. I was placed on probation and informed that I needed to lose twenty pounds in the next six weeks to stay. There would be weekly weigh-ins and regular monitoring of my progress. I was so overwhelmed by this news. With the cafeteria serving regular meals of pasta, fatty meats, and gravy topped everything there weren’t a lot of healthy options available. I began to eat only slices of wheat bread and yogurt for every meal and run every chance I got until I met the twenty-pound goal. While I can certainly appreciate concern for health and maintaining a healthy weight, what was most damaging was the connection that was made between my weight and my spiritual worth. Being sent home from the internship meant that you had done something wrong, that you had failed to maintain an honorable lifestyle. Being overweight, which I had been my entire life, diminished my integrity and honor in their eyes. While I agree that I was overweight, not once did it keep me from doing the same things the other interns were doing. I was still participating in corporate exercise, still able to do all the extra work days we were required to do on our off hours. I was trying my hardest and failing to measure up. It took a very hard toll on me. It would take years for me to untangle that mess.

Shortly after I lost the previous job, I found a job in another department working for a woman who seemed very nice. I was happy with the change and moved on. However, it wasn’t long until the criticism began again. I spent as much of my time as possible in the office working on the various projects I was assigned. At the same time I was responsible for mentoring seventeen undergraduate interns. The amount of responsibility that I felt kept me awake at night. Add to that the crushing guilt of feeling like there were thousands upon thousands of people suffering, perishing and heading for damnation because of my inadequacies. I was about three weeks into my new position my supervisor began official weekly evaluations and they were brutal. I was evaluated for everything from my makeup, my laugh, the way my clothes fit, the friendships that I had made with the other interns, there didn’t seem to be anything that was off limits. By the time the second year came to a close I had developed a severe anxiety problem that resulted in daily panic attacks and depression. I felt like I had been completely picked apart and the amount of exhaustion and humiliation I felt was overwhelming.

Being a leader myself, I was approached repeatedly by undergraduate interns for counsel and advise throughout the year. On multiple occasions I saw interns who were exhausted, humiliated, depressed, and completely anxious. Over the course of my two years in Garden Valley I heard of a handful of interns who had experienced nervous breakdowns. Many more would have this experience after they left. I wish I had more time and more words to recount the many stories of mistreatment I witnessed, but I will leave it to those individuals to tell their stories.

After leaving the Honor Academy, I returned home and began to go to school. By the time I had reached the second semester the depression had grown so intense I could barely function. I became completely isolated and eventually had to drop out of school. After my first attempt to take my own life I began counseling where I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It took a solid year of weekly therapy and two more attempts to end my life before I began to make my way out of the depression and begin to build relationships again.

I am so very thankful for the faithfulness of God to bring people into my life that were able to show me His love, grace, and mercy that year after I left Teen Mania. Without them, I can say with some degree of certainty that I would not be here today. Sitting here so many years later I can honestly say that my time at Teen Mania feels like a lifetime ago and I am sure that there are many pertinent aspects of my time there I am leaving out, but I wanted to make sure to talk about the things that I felt were most damaging to me personally and the development of my faith. I think the themes that stand out the most to me now are the practice of shaming interns, the lack of concern for the physical and emotional welfare of the interns, and the crushing weight of misplaced responsibility the interns feel.

29 comments:

gc1998says:March 9, 2010 at 10:04 AMReply

reading this makes me feel so freaking angry. “ellen” you are awesome…and if i could, i would go back and tell those people off to their faces. i’m glad you’re still around, and i appreciate the amount of courage it took to share this.

carriesays:March 9, 2010 at 11:07 AMReply

i am so sorry you suffered so greatly. i am completely appalled by this story…and not even a little bit surprised.

thank you for sharing.

Eric P.says:March 9, 2010 at 2:05 PMReply

Ellen,

A wise person once said, “My Father made you, and my Father never makes mistakes.” Anybody who makes you think otherwise is a lying bastard. I truly admire your courage in coming forward with this painful story; remember that our Lord was also “despised and rejected by men.” God loves you infinitely for who He made you, not for who you make yourself! I’m glad you’re finding healing in Him.

Nunquam Honorablussays:March 9, 2010 at 2:39 PMReply

Threats of dismissal for not losing weight? That in and of itself should speak volumes to the Board of Directors.

It’s sick, disgusting, vile, and I can’t wait to see how the HA defends itself over that one. Really. I would LOVE to see them justify that.

Oh wait, we’re probably “taking it out of context”. Bummer.

Recovering Alumnisays:March 9, 2010 at 4:50 PMReply

This story brings up another point which we haven’t discussed yet (although people have emailed me about it): eating disorders. It is amazing that “Ellen” did not develop an eating disorder given these conditions…but others have.

The unhealthy emphasis on weight, running, and “beating your body to make it your slave” could easily be a perfect storm for someone already struggling with body image issues and could push them over the edge into eating disorders. I’m sure this has happened on more than one occasion.

On top of all the insanity she describes here, I’m also struck by the point that they required her to lose 20 pounds in 6 weeks. Unless you are on “biggest loser”, averaging 3 lbs per week weight loss is not typical or sustainable. A good goal is 1-2 pounds per week to sustain long term weight loss in a healthy way. (I’m not a medical professional, but I do have some knowledge in this field.) I point this out only to say – do the people requiring these exercise regiments even have any formal training about health, exercise, nutrition, etc?

Based on what I’ve seen, I think not. And that is just another cause for concern.

carriesays:March 9, 2010 at 5:11 PMReply

in my year, which i THINK was the same year “ellen” was a GI, there was a lady named Laura. she and Scott Barnes were supposed to be in charge of nutrition, health, and exercise. she was a certified nutritionist, and scott was a trained nurse. one time, while doing corporate, laura checked my pulse after i ran and got on to me about not having my heart rate up enough and told me that i “needed to burn that spare tire” i was carrying around my waist. although i was not super fit, i defnitely didn’t have a huge gut. grrrrr….

also, i worked in mobilization (recruiting) and was not selected to be in the video b/c i was not attractive enough. seriously. they actually told me that.

Nunquam Honorablussays:March 9, 2010 at 5:32 PMReply

Wow. I guess Teen Mania’s supposed to make you a sexy beast or something, cause that’s what Jesus cares about.

Definitely caused a physical appearence complex with me. There’s a fine line between being ‘presentable’ and having your spirituality questioned at large because you don’t fry your hair every morning.
Jeez louise.

Recovering Alumnisays:March 9, 2010 at 5:41 PMReply

It would be interesting to know if any “unattractive” people or those who struggled with weight issues are ever promoted to positions of leadership….Or is it just the pretty people?

mom of ex-internsays:March 9, 2010 at 6:17 PMReply

wow…just when I think I’ve heard it all about TM’s abuses…I learn something else…unbelievable…I shouldn’t be surprised that since they “judge” the heart–why wouldn’t they judge your appearance?….

This is off the chain–and ‘Ellen’, my heart goes out to you…thanks for your courage to share this and I am glad that you survived this horror and judgement from this organization…shame on them!!!

Also to ‘Ellen’ and all of you interns and surviving alumni out there–remember that you are sons and daughters of the Most High King and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made!!!

Angsays:March 9, 2010 at 6:27 PMReply

I’ve been reading this blog for a few months now, and although I agree with so much… I haven’t ever commented… but today, I can’t help myself.

THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!!!

I am so enraged after reading this story… and so many others people have courageously written.

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with Teen Mania. I’m actually one of the few that made it on the Ministry Team 99-00 without ever being an intern. So my personal story is quite different than a lot of what I read of interns life on campus. I had 2 other sister that went through the internship years previous to mine so i knew i sure as hell didn’t want to sign up for “beating my body, and making it my slave”… but a road trip around the nation sounded kinda fun.

I hope the board listens carefully to the damage thats been done to so many lives.
The stories continue to amaze me… I had no idea there have been so many. I thought i was the only one that questioned the craziness.

h.says:March 9, 2010 at 9:51 PMReply

on top of the well-known fact of the intern hierarchy and the super-interns [you know, the AA’s, the specialized job placements, etc]…everyone knew who the pretty interns were. they were the ones who were in all of the videos, all of the photo shoots–and were the same people chosen again and again.

it was all of the high school insecurities [ability, physical appearance, etc] on steroids.

Nunquam Honorablussays:March 9, 2010 at 10:01 PMReply

H, I think what makes it worse is that it’s all the High School drama… applied to the spiritual.

It’s bad enough to be excluded and feel alienated by people, and to feel taken advantage of… but it’s an entirely different ballgame to have all those insecurites and concerns waved off as “this is God’s sovereign will consider it pure joy or GTFO”.

Lizsays:March 9, 2010 at 11:03 PMReply

RA, you asked, “It would be interesting to know if any “unattractive” people or those who struggled with weight issues are ever promoted to positions of leadership….Or is it just the pretty people?”

As a middle school/early high school student who idolized the interns I knew, I was confident that I could never be an upper-level intern because I wasn’t pretty enough.

There are several layers of messed-up-ness to that. . .but I won’t get into that now. I’ll just say that I understood even then, on a subconscious level, that to be really successful in the internship, you had to be thin and attractive.

Recovering Alumnisays:March 9, 2010 at 11:25 PMReply

Nunqam – excellent analysis

Liz – wow, just wow. I think that must make Jesus cry

Anonymoussays:March 10, 2010 at 11:29 PMReply

to recovering alumni and all those who have been hurt: so sorry. unfortunately, at the same time, for all the self-help recovery psych riddled in so many of these posts, you should look into the credibility of recalled circumstances and the science of memory. it’s most unreliable.

i’m certain there is ample to change at TM, no doubt, and i’ve recommended a handful not to go there. still, the obsession you showcase is just as unhealthy as all you experienced there and only outs your motive and lack of spiritual maturity. sorry to say it, because i know there’s plenty who have been hurt.

and if it was so terrible, so harming, why didn’t those just leave? really. the repitition of atrocities makes you all look just as bad as TM.

Recovering Alumnisays:March 10, 2010 at 11:30 PMReply

Wow, so we’re all just mis-remembering this stuff????

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at that one…

If you are afraid of the “evils” of psychology, then yeah, this blog probably isn’t for you…

Micheal McCombersays:March 10, 2010 at 11:49 PMReply

@ anonymous
we could not leave because our word was our bond. it was our oath.
we were so brain washed that we felt we had to stay to be a good leader and elite christian.
i know that sounds out there. I was there Aug96-97 its been 14 years for me. I still have panic attacks. I still wrestle with my faith. I still mistrust leadership. I have not been to church since my intern year.
I know its hard to understand when people call out the bad. but its needed for change.

MM

Recovering Alumnisays:March 11, 2010 at 1:34 AMReply

MM – my heart hurts for you. What they did to you is SO WRONG. I hope you know that and are getting free from the guilt of not being an “elite Christian.”

reluctant-internsays:March 11, 2010 at 2:24 AMReply

First, I’m SO sorry for what you went through. 🙁

Second, it’s kind of ironic since my year at TM I actually GAINED about 25 lbs. All those foods you described combined with the “clean your plate” attitude led to a ton of overeating.

Ex-Intern Aug 07says:March 11, 2010 at 4:05 AMReply

First off, I know it’s not my blog, and I know people have a right to their freedom of speech. I just don’t like coming on here to read comments to find cuss words – I can watch TV for that 🙂

MM – I’m sorry for what you went through there, and how it still affects you. Just know that while these people believe they are acting on the will of God, that it’s quite obviously not His will! I pray that the Lord would begin to heal your heart, and restore you and your relationship with him.

Anon who thinks that so many people who have been abused by Teen Mania are “mis-remembering” things – MM is right, we weren’t free to leave. Even after leaving they screw up your life back home. Don’t believe me? Read my story – Eric’s story. Although I probably made up the whole thing in my mind because I mis-remembered it. And my ex-pastor mis-remembers getting a phone call from Teen Mania making out that I owed them money and that I’d left them to join a cult. But hey-ho, it’s there for you to read and make up your own mind.

Anonymoussays:March 13, 2010 at 8:43 PMReply

Looking back, I think going to the H.A. was one of the dumbest ideas I ever had. I gave them $6000 to work breakfast crew. Seriously? I should’ve gone to the military for better training, and they pay me. I’m pretty sure the Honor Academy is just one big scam. Someone needs to pay for the gas in Mr. Luce’s Harley.

april Williams Stevensonsays:March 13, 2010 at 11:23 PMReply

Oh Mike!
I am so glad you you found this blog! I don’t like going to church either.

RA I would love to see something asking others how they feel about church/leadership after the have left the HA.

Recovering Alumnisays:March 13, 2010 at 11:24 PMReply

Good suggestion, April. Perhaps I’ll include that in the “hot topics” series.

LinzMonMNsays:March 14, 2010 at 1:01 AMReply

Reading this Blog about Honor Academy has really got me thinking. I am a Senior in high school, about to graduate in May. I applied for a January internship spot, but hearing these stories has really put me on the fence. I don’t know what I should do now. I am friends with some interns (I met them on GE mission trips) and they say its the best thing that has ever happened to them, but then i read these blogs…now i am having second thoughts.

and “Ellen” i am sorry you has such a terrible experience…I hope all is well for you

Shilohsays:March 14, 2010 at 9:29 AMReply

LinzMonMN – I’m going to be brutally honest.
You are not going be able to go anywhere and have anyone tell you HOW to be a good Christian. That’s the problem with the H.A. – they give you a set of rules to follow that make you think you are doing all the right things. When I got home my friends often told me, “You’re going to Pharisee school.” I thought it was funny and took it as a joke. But really, that’s all they did, turn me into a Pharisee.
I’d say 80% of interns are totally ‘passionate’ for God. Totally. That’s why they go. There is just a lot of deception in the whole system.
But- I have zero doubt that you are in God’s hands, as long as you are desiring His will, He’ll pour out His kindness upon you no matter where you are. He took very good care of me at T.M. Now looking back there were a lot of other options I could have taken.
God’s looking for life-long friends. Not to make you perfect over night. HE enjoys the journey.
.

LinzMonMNsays:March 14, 2010 at 10:01 AMReply

Shiloh- Thank you for being brutallly honest with me. I really appreciate it (:
I know that teen mania does wonderful things, I have been growing up with them my whole teenage life.ATF is where i gave my life to the Lord, and I have been on two GE trips within the past couple of years…I just didn’t know the stories behind the scenes. It seems like a corrupted system. I never noticed that it is kind of brainwashing. I never noticed how mean they could be sometimes too.
Thank you for giving me this advice. I know that no one can tell me how to love God and live life for him. I already know how to do that. (: I am still on the fence and kind of confused about it, but these blogs and your comment has helped me out. Thank you (:

The Cult Next Doorsays:March 14, 2010 at 11:53 AMReply

I think all the emphasis on body image is a part of the mind control and behavior modification these leaders are using. I know that in the cult I was in the leader often made disparaging remarks about my appearance to my face and behind my back. Yet when I started a diet that actually worked, she came up to me, in the middle of a church service, and screamed in my face about being full of lust because I wanted to be thinner. I think the point she was trying to make was that I was no good, no matter what I did.
Ellen, thanks for sharing your story.

Anonymoussays:March 18, 2010 at 3:04 AMReply

Ellen, I can say from being on staff with Teen Mania and being a part of the selection process, that there isn’t as much prayer put into the selection as they make it out to be. I remember one year when Dave jumped across the room and grabbed a picture off the board of interns that hadn’t been chosen yet and said “just pick one of them” so the HA department wouldn’t lose their selection slot at that moment. It really frustrated me to see that Dave was more concerned about having their pick at that moment rather than “prayerfully considering” who would be on their team.

Kevinsays:June 15, 2010 at 12:42 PMReply

Wow… just wow.