This is part 3 in the Grieving Series. Part I is here and Part II is here.
There were several factors that contributed to my depression. Of course, there is the normal depression associated with the grieving process – grieving the losses I experienced at the Honor Academy. But, for me, there were also some other factors that I’d like to explore.
Not only was I depressed, I was depressed about being depressed. I thought my depression proved that I wasn’t a good Christian or that I wasn’t trusting God enough. Thinking this way about my depression caused me to feel completely worthless as a person. Which just made me feel worse and continued the cycle.
Although I was never diagnosed with it, looking back, I think I probably had a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know of several alumni who actually were diagnosed with this.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), however, the symptoms don’t decrease. You don’t feel a little better each day. In fact, you may start to feel worse. But PTSD doesn’t always develop in the hours or days following a traumatic event, although this is most common. For some people, the symptoms of PTSD take weeks, months, or even years to develop.
The symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can arise suddenly, gradually, or come and go over time. Sometimes symptoms appear seemingly out of the blue. At other times, they are triggered by something that reminds you of the original traumatic event, such as a noise, an image, certain words, or a smell.
After the Honor Academy, I attended a Christian college. There were numerous similaries there that caused deep emotional triggers in me. If anything reminded me of Teen Mania in the slightest way, I absolutely wanted nothing to do with it.For example, I remember doing an icebreaker my first week of school with the other freshman – and this reminded me of Teen Mania – which made me absolutely hate the idea of icebreakers and even my new school. I literally HATED it and thought about quitting the school because of being forced to endure a weekend of ‘get to know you’ games. I know it sounds ridiculous but I was incredibly upset. This is classic PTSD.
You can imagine if that was a trigger for me, I was essentially stepping on landmines every day. So, I isolated myself. I wasn’t going to be forced to be part of a group. I wasn’t going to be hurt again. But its hard when every day things like living in a dorm triggered these reactions. Being a continual state isolation and suspicion of nearly everyone and everything was also a large factor in my depression.
I think its hard for people who haven’t been to the Honor Academy to understand why my reaction was so severe. I couldn’t trust ANYBODY. I was betrayed by people I trusted the most. At the depth of my being, I was terrified of going through the pain again yet still feeling responsible for my condition. And all the while wondering why God had left me.
If you are feeling depressed, it does not mean you are a bad person or a bad Christian. It is actually a normal reaction to the pain in your life. If you are suffering from depression (google the symptoms if you are unsure) I encourage you to seek medical help. I know that for me, getting on antidepressants helped get my head above water so that I could actually deal with the pain. I don’t think I could have gone through counseling without them. It would have been too overwhelming.
