This was also the point when Nikki Bradshaw laid hands on me and tried to cast out my rebelliousness and desire to make people like me. I was supposed to keep a 30 day journal of things I was doing to “make people like me.” I never kept it, I guess because I was so mortified. I thought that if that was who I am, there was no saving me. I was a monster and Nikki, who hadn’t even known me, could tell. I vowed that I would talk less and not behave in such a way again. Yet her assignment continues to haunt me to the point where I still feel guilty that I didn’t keep that journal. I feel guilty about it and I can’t help but think I screwed up my life because I didn’t keep that journal, so God turned His back on me and my rebellious ways.
I’ve also realized that the things I loved most about my time as an intern pretty much hurt me the most. The whole personality test things? I ate it up. Being able to put labels and reasons to my personality made me feel validated that God made me this INFP and that it was okay that I wasn’t like everyone around me. Sadly now, I believe that HA leadership uses Myers-Briggs and the Spiritual Gifts tests to control interns. I’m sorry—I know that sounds horrible, but it was so convenient to put an intern in a position they hated, that had nothing to do with their actual skills and talents, yet say that they had prayed over the decision and used our strengths. I ended up getting neglected in both of my positions, like I was utterly useless (that’s how I felt about it). It was just one more layer of doubt laid upon my person.
Likewise, Teen Mania’s idea of being feminine highly appealed to me. Having suffered with PCOS for most of my life, and Precocious Puberty prior to that, I have had a terrible time in my body. So feeling feminine and connecting with other girls was very hard for me. I was raised in a single-parent home where we grew up on welfare and food stamps. I didn’t get to do a lot of things other girls my age did, like go to the mall and shop, and I couldn’t invite people over or easily travel to their homes. So my home life was just me. I probably didn’t represent myself well when I tried to make friends and my insecurities may have shown up as worse traits. But I had no one at TM with whom I felt safe to discuss those issues. I was constantly being told to be more feminine, yet less vain, and my questions were ignored. Girls who were known as “teacher’s pets” were allowed to stay in cliques and openly flirted with the guys. Yet I couldn’t get anyone in leadership to notice me, talk to me, or work with me. One particular area I wanted assistance in was my fitness and I was continually told to get my help from other interns, who wouldn’t want to help because I wasn’t at their level and would slow them down. Would it have really been so hard for one person in leadership to at least talk to me about these things when I brought them up?
After the internship, I became a caretaker for my new niece while my estranged sister served jail time for burglarizing my father’s apartment. My parents had divorced when I was an infant because he was molesting my older sister. My sister grew up to be very wild and got caught up with a drug addict boyfriend, and together they conspired to steal from my father, what ended up being more than $75,000 in valuables and cash. This situation played a huge factor in my leaving my home and going to college, the same college my “TM boyfriend” had talked about attending. It was the only school I had applied to after the internship and it was unexpected that they accepted me for the January session because I applied for the following year.
The only factor that had me even consider college in the first place, was TM teachings. At some point during the internship, I believed very strongly and clearly that college was not the path for me. My strengths have always been in the creative arts and for whatever reason, I continued to feel that God had other plans for me. But as you probably know, TM has other plans for us and they will tell you that if you do not go to college, you are NOT giving God your best. This was drummed in on me more times than I can count, so I finally relented and chose the most creative Christian school I thought I could find. When they offered me financial aid, I took it.
Where I had excelled in my K-12 years, I completely failed at college. Truly. My first semester I flunked out of all my courses. I did work, but I wasn’t able to do it all, and I missed classes frequently due to illness (sinusitis, pneumonia, etc). I was put on academic probation and petrified to tell my parents. My father was not a believer and loved any chance he could take to say the Honor Academy was a waste of money. My mother was so disgusted with me that I had had an “illegal romance” that I felt I had disappointed her enough and I didn’t want to give her a chance to complain that TM was not a very good Christian ministry since I had come back with more issues than before, so I was very adamant to protect the HA from my parents judgment as well as my peers. The common question from my classmates when I said I had been a TM intern was “Isn’t that a cult?” I always said no and explained that people just thought that because we were working to live honorable, holy lives, truly set apart. I even encouraged a friend to go, who did, because I thought it might help him with his issues. (It didn’t).
9 comments:
That redheaded onesays:November 29, 2011 at 9:03 AMReply
Ugh Honny you don’t need to hold on to what Nikki told you any longer. People have an innate wish to be liked because we are designed to be social people and not being social means not being liked. Introverts often mask their introverted tendencies by trying to make sure everyone is happy with them. This is just part of the psychological set up to make sure that friends persist in all situations. These aren’t bad things!
Abbysays:November 29, 2011 at 9:31 AMReply
I’ve only read the 1st paragraph so far, and just so shocked and horrified for you. A “make people like me journal” REALLY?!? Do people actually think this could ever be helpful to any one? Being introverted is not a personality flaw, and if that is keeping people from wanting to get to know you, its really their loss and has little to do with you. Ugh!
ishouldcarelesssays:November 29, 2011 at 11:52 AMReply
Wow. Well, I worked for Nikki. I’m not surprised. It really damaged me for many years…probably most of my 20’s. She is a perfectionist through and through, and never had any problem zeroing in on my base insecurities and criticizing the hell out of me. Every day. Every. single. day. I’m not exaggerating. She confronted me every day about how I wasn’t doing something right. If I completed a task well, she criticized my leadership skills. If I led well, she criticized my actual words or speech pattern. If I spoke well, she criticized my tactic. If I used a good tactic, she criticized the overall outcome. If everything else was going well, she criticized my clothes or my hair. It was all under the guise that she wanted me to be my best so I could be successful in life. There was NO pleasing her. She wanted me to be someone different than who I was. She wanted me to become HER.
All of her “constructive criticism” didn’t make me better, it made me worse. It made me wretchedly insecure and self-loathing and despondent. I would come home from work and cry everyday. I am not a crier. It was awful. It haunted me for years and actually created a sort of job-performance paralysis. If I didn’t do it perfectly, I would just give up because I believed that I could never do it good enough. For a long time, I thought it was bc I wasn’t cut out to be in an office environment. Turns out, I am GREAT in an office. I’m just terrible as a robot.
I hope you are able to expel NB’s voice from your head. What she said to you was a reflection of her, not you. Take it from someone who knows. 🙂
ambresays:November 29, 2011 at 1:41 PMReply
I’m so sorry, Shannon. I’m no longer a Christian, but I still kept thinking that your heart seemed so pure and precious when reading your story; may the gods/heavens/whom/whatever bless you (I haven’t quite figured out the next part, so forgive my vagueness!) You are brave and worthy of so much more.
laynesays:November 29, 2011 at 1:44 PMReply
Yeah, Nikki Bradshaw = cray cray. She should not have been advising ANYONE.
Ericsays:November 29, 2011 at 5:40 PMReply
Here’s my “Make People Like Me Journal”:
1. Be myself.
2. Be kind to other people.
3. If anyone doesn’t like me after I follow steps 1 and 2, sod ’em.
Seriously though, that anyone could perceive an absolutely natural human desire for friendship as some sort of character flaw is beyond preposterous. If the fact that HA instilled you with a desire to defend such a messed-up system doesn’t prove they are manipulative, what does?
jami c.says:November 30, 2011 at 9:02 AMReply
Nikki was so mean 🙁
wanderersays:January 30, 2012 at 10:25 PMReply
ishouldcareless: I’m so sad for what you experienced every day at work! That is beyond words.
If it helps…I do want to say…. she may have acted like she wanted you to be her, but I bet you a lot of money that she doesn’t even meet her expectations.
People who hate themselves act in the way you’re describing. I’m gonna wager there’s some serious self-loathing going on, and she projected it onto you guys.
So so sorry…. for Shannon, and the others who experienced abuse by that staff person…. I hope that confidence in your own competence is not only restored but increased 🙂
Anonymoussays:July 27, 2014 at 12:12 PMReply
I think I went on a mission trip with Nikki. After writing about it here on the blog, a bunch of interns sent me hate over Facebook and she called me and tried to make me call Kenny, who terrifies me. It might have not been her. I can’t remember their names. I blocked most of it out, although I did have a scary dream about TMM the other night. Weird. Its been 3 years and yet my experience totally wrecked my spiritual life.
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