The only classes I excelled in at college were the ones where professors would work with me and my chronic illness. But I continually found myself in positions where adults in authority thought they knew my story and I did not defend myself when I should have. So I continued to go down this path of verbal abuse and spiritual mistreatment.
I left college after 3 semesters and married a guy I had met during that time. Going into the marriage, I knew that he didn’t fit the “list” they had us make at TM, nor was he what I considered a strong Christian. But the red flags I had again became roses and I told myself that my internship year had proved I didn’t deserve the kind of guy I really wanted. My entire teen life was occupied by this idea that I was going to meet my husband through Teen Mania, that he was going to be an artist or musician who loved the Lord greatly, and that we would do ministry together. Not quite TM style, but that we would use the arts to reach young people in a relatable and genuine way. It would have been a great story for the grandkids, right? Well, coming out of the internship, I felt like such a failure and I believed that I had proved for once and for all that I did not deserve that life. So I married the first man who asked me and believed that I could make anything work out because I would be committed to him and God would bless that.
We were married for two-and-a-half grueling years. His mother turned out to be very manipulative and he would use me as an excuse to avoid her, so she would in turn lash out at me. I again fell into a very deep depression, and I made many errors. I was not a good wife and I began to feel little love for him. He had begun to do a lot of the things he had always claimed to dislike and it seemed to me that he wanted a life more like his friends who were unmarried. He made me feel stupid — I would find cigarettes in his pockets and car, etc. and he would claim they belonged to someone else. In the end, he was having an affair with his high school sweetheart. He told me he was leaving me by writing a note on a paper plate and shoving it in our mailbox.
I returned to my home state devastated. It took time but I began to work again, make some friends, and starve myself. I lost 102 pounds in 8 months by holding myself to 800 calories or less a day. I was frantic and guilty every time I ate before becoming simply ravenous and I never believed I was doing enough. Yet I think I was happier than ever in my adult life because I was in control. And I thought I was “beating my body.”
Through a new friend, I began attending a Messianic Jewish church on Saturdays. It resonated with me because I had only known a Messianic style church as a child through my grandmother. It creeped me out, however, when they kissed the Torah as it was brought around the room. I thought we were there to worship Yeshua (Jesus). But I made myself a part of that community as much as I could because of the warm, familiar feeling it gave me. I couldn’t however, seem to break into the “inner circles” of the congregation, and I always found myself to be a bit of an outsider —that caused me many tears. I was in my mid-twenties at the time and now finally, at 29, I realize I was going through much of the same abuse as Teen Mania. They however, were more loving in their approach. Yet still very deceptive. We were increasingly encouraged to keep Torah laws much like how TM interns are encouraged to keep a “Sabre” a part of their life after the internship. I finally got out of the group with a couple other friends when they began to say Jesus was a copy of the Torah, and none of the elders would answer my questions about salvation straight. Or whether or not they believed Jesus was God. The answers were always murky, heady, but sounded good. I’m so grateful I got out.
After leaving that church, I became very reclusive. I no longer trusted my judgment in people or organizations, I missed the community, I was lonely, and I felt like I was going crazy. I had so many thoughts in my head, wondering what was wrong with me that it was hard to sleep. I quit restricting and starving and began compulsively binge eating. I avoided going anywhere to meet new people or old friends because I was embarrassed that after losing so much weight I was clearly gaining. I felt that in particular, if people from the church I left were to see me, they would assume it was because I left and that I was living in all kinds of sin. It was actually the same feelings I struggled with in keeping up relationships with other Teen Mania alumni. There were no safe avenues to express my frustration and stumbling in life. I knew of other intern alum who had lost their faith and now bashed all Christians — I didn’t want to be a part of that. But on the other hand, I know these alumnus who only had GOOD things to say, like their lives were perfect and it seemed they couldn’t understand my depression. It only occurred to me recently, when I looked at the symptoms associated with leaving a cult, that my experiences with both Teen Mania and the church were just that.
