At this same time, I was struggling with my work life. When I first returned to MN after my divorce, I was sleeping on my mom’s couch in her one bedroom apartment. I took up a retail job and actually liked what I was doing. It was for an artsy store, so I at least got to be in a somewhat creative element, and the manager there recognized my hard work and I was quickly promoted. Those things had done a lot for my self-esteem at the time, and help get me out of the depression after the divorce. Things changed however, when I was offered a promotion to another location. I accepted it and took an apartment nearby. The opportunity however, fell through after I had signed the lease. Within a couple of weeks I was beginning a new job for a temp agency and was thrust into a sedentary office job. By the time everything occurred with my home church, I was increasingly depressed about working this daily grind just to make ends meet. There was no passion for me in my daily life and I was exhausted when I came home. My life became very small and food became my solace. I dated a non-Christian during that first position, just out of loneliness. I also felt myself slipping away from the truth and thought that nothing mattered — I didn’t matter, morals didn’t matter.
I got myself into a position at my apartment where I let my boyfriend “take advantage of me.” I had started out saying no, but it was a foreign statement. Really. I never stood up for myself or said NO at Teen Mania. I didn’t say no to my parents. The times I raised up any questions at my old church, I was shut down. (One instance was when no one would give me a ride to a conference at the church and the closest person to me refused because he was a male, so it would be wrong for us to be in the car alone together. Never mind the fact that this same guy went out of his way to offer help, like rides, to a girl in the church whom he had already expressed his desire to court, which she had rejected. He would sacrifice his appearance for her but not anyone else in need.) It was very similar to me not being able to get rides into town, to the doctor, or to church when I was at TM.
So at any rate, I did not stand my ground and I sinned with this person and I knew it was wrong. And I fell into a deeper depression because I had never done anything so evil and I didn’t know how anyone, including God could forgive me. So I kept it a secret.
To my shame I shortly after dated someone else, a nominal Christian. But I felt that I was no better and had no right for anything different. And then I did something that I never thought I would have done in a million years. I did something I never told anyone about. Something that I am even afraid to share here. I had an abortion. The reason I don’t talk about it is the shame. I was ashamed to tell anyone I had gotten in that situation and I didn’t know what to do. My father and sister had become like best friends in the past couple years as he supported her financially and I had seen the evidence that he was molesting her four young children. (That’s its own story). I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to protect a child from him, and it was a huge factor in my choice. During the actual procedure (which again, is a whole other story), the doctor advised me that this was not a “viable” or “healthy” pregnancy. Just prior to that the technician told me there was no heartbeat and it appeared to be an “empty sac.” But honestly, the whole experience made me feel like I was at a “death farm” and I was prodded along like cattle. I felt lightheaded and drugged up as I tried to dress and I couldn’t think of what to say, or questions to ask. Afterwards, and to this day I wondered whether the things they said had been true.
I’m sorry if my story is too long or offensive for some. I want very much to be honest because I believe that one of the real problems with TM is their promotion of “Super Christians” to the point where struggling, hurting people feel compelled to hide their problems. Like the Casting Crowns song, “Stained Glass Masquerade”:
But if I dared to let you see
the truth behind the person you imagine me to be
would your arms stay open or would you walk away?
Would the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay?
I highly recommend listening to that entire song and really let the words sink in and think about what they mean.
Anyway, the truth is that things have just NEVER been the same for me. Although I have repented and turned from those choices I made, although I think that Jesus is more than enough to save me, I am hurting every day. I am lonely. I am afraid. Years have passed.
I still work in an office at a sedentary job where I feel like my spirit and soul are crushed every day. I work hard and get the bills paid, I believe that whenever I am in physical need (food, shelter, etc) God provides for me. But I’m still not living — I am well aware of that. I have a constant critic in my head telling me I am a failure, reinforcing the hurts I had when I was at TM. I blame myself for getting off the plan God had for me and for not “having what it takes.”
A few years ago, my abusive father died. His last words to me were an angry voicemail message four months earlier, telling me that I was “evil” and “not a Christian” because I shared what I had seen about the abuse of my sisters children to social services. I attended his funeral out of a feeling of obligation and had to sit through lies. It’s no wonder to me that I struggle to see God as a Father. My earthly father was an abusive man who was highly esteemed by our local community and the minor league baseball world. The work he did as an artist earned him acclaim that was never taken down by the truth. That is another reason why I now look much harder at the fruit of TM.
If you knew me at my best, toward the beginning of TM when I was outgoing and had hope you would not likely recognize me now. I am still struggling with compulsive eating and restriction, but I am actually obese. My body has become a stranger, and my world has grown smaller. A common theme among my managers is that while I am a hard worker and compassionate person, I am too quiet and need to gain more confidence to be a leader. Ouch. I can’t help but think how the people who know me now would not recognize the girl I used to be, who travelled to Trinidad and Amsterdam and gave a year of her life to God to HONE HER LEADERSHIP SKILLS. It’s just so sad to know that I was a part of this huge movement of young people, that it meant so much to me, yet I have so little good to show for it. I don’t have the life-long friends. I’m not a part of the community anymore. And after discovering that I’m not the only one who was hurt like this, that there are even worse stories? I lost my respect for TM. It is seriously sad.
I am currently working on overcoming my feelings of worthlessness. I do try to give myself permission to do things to take care of myself, even if I feel that I don’t deserve them or other Christians might think it’s frivolous. But it is a long, lonely road so far. I know that I need to work on the creative side of my life.
A small flame in my heart still thinks I can “beat this” and finally live a life of passion for a loving Creator. I hope to one day reach the point where I can help other people who feel the way I do. I hope to be able to participate in a creative and loving ministry that meets people where they are and shows them the Jesus Who changes hearts—not all the works that make us better and good enough. A ministry that does not put it on children’s shoulders to save souls themselves, but teaches that Jesus and only Jesus is doing the saving. We are only here to help and love. I pray for it.
At any rate, it’s up to you to determine whether or not my words and experience has merit. I mean, I hold down a job just fine, but I am by no means a whole person. I am trying to rebuild by life with His Grace, but most days feel like a failure.
15 comments:
Melcro28says:December 1, 2011 7:51 AMReply
Shannon, your story brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I’m so sorry you went through what you did, at Teen Mania and beyond. I’m sorry something that you thought would change your life in a good way has affected you so negatively. Please know that this community loves you as you are–no matter what.
juliesays:December 1, 2011 8:38 AMReply
Shannon, you have had SO much trauma in your life, my heart breaks for you! You may have mentioned this elsewhere, but are you going to counseling? There is so much here to be dealt with that processing with a professional could really help. Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m also glad for you that you’ve gotten these things out in the open. Satan uses secrets to burden us with guilt and shame. Truth sets us free and builds us up, but secrets chain us down. I know it took a lot of courage for you to share all of these things, because there is always a fear that no one will ever like you again if you tell the “shameful” things you have done. That is an absolute lie. You are a very strong, very brave woman. You may not feel that way today, but it is true. This community loves and supports you, and nothing you can say will change that!
S.Z.B.says:December 1, 2011 8:52 AMReply
I agree with everything julie said. Be encouraged Shannon because you are very loved. I’ve seen how you encourage others on here and that shows your loving heart and kind spirit. Don’t give up. I have an office job too and sometimes I think that I must be a loser, wasting her life, not doing anything special or worthwhile. But the people in my life would not agree. They need me, they love me, they count on me for day to day stuff. Don’t sell that short. Don’t sell yourself short. You are special.
Abbysays:December 1, 2011 9:52 AMReply
I have a constant critic in my head telling me I am a failure, reinforcing the hurts I had when I was at TM. I blame myself for getting off the plan God had for me and for not “having what it takes.”…I can’t help but think how the people who know me now would not recognize the girl I used to be, who travelled to Trinidad and Amsterdam and gave a year of her life to God to HONE HER LEADERSHIP SKILLS. It’s just so sad to know that I was a part of this huge movement of young people, that it meant so much to me, yet I have so little good to show for it.
THIS is what wrong with TM, heart and soul.
Shannon, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Know that you are loved and not alone.
shannon-ashleysays:December 1, 2011 12:37 PMReply
Hmm…. So when I wrote this giant dialogue of what’s happened in my life, I was venting to RA. I didn’t edit it or proofread at all…I guess because it was me spilling my guts to RA and telling her things I haven’t told anyone. When she asked if I wanted to share it, I figured, yes because I don’t want it to be said that I have anything to hide or have somehow been disingenuous when discussing the “recovering alumni” point of view.
That said, it’s really scary. It’s like, there–I’ve said it. Some people read it and know exactly who I am. Some people have no idea (about certain things) and I don’t really want them to ever see it either. It’s weird to admit, I’m 29 and a total wreck. And it’s scary to say I think TM has a LOT to do with that. Admitting that feels like opening myself up to even more ridicule and judgment, like I am blaming the HA for all of my problems. I know in my heart however, that I’m just trying to admit and work through things that happened and affected me.
I’m wary to read comments whenever part of my story is posted. I always wonder if I will regret sharing. But it means a lot to have a safe or safer place to talk about these things. And even if I don’t know how to respond to the helpful, supportive comments you all give, I really appreciate them.
Thank you!
ambresays:December 1, 2011 1:19 PMReply
Shannon-Ashley, you are brave and what you wrote came out eloquently 🙂
“But I’m still not living — I am well aware of that.”
This is where I’ve been stuck for who knows how long. The first several years I fought it hard. Now I’ve lost all motivation to fight, and that’s scared me for a couple of years, but I don’t know what to do with it or about. “I’m still not living.” So true for me.
Carrie Dicksonsays:December 1, 2011 5:26 PMReply
What a tremendous life you have led. You have much more strength than you give yourself credit for. I hope you are able to own how magnificently powerful and wonderful you are.
littlegraygirlsays:December 1, 2011 9:09 PMReply
Wow. Shannon, your story broke my heart. Thank you for being so brave in sharing it with us.
You said: ” I want very much to be honest because I believe that one of the real problems with TM is their promotion of “Super Christians” to the point where struggling, hurting people feel compelled to hide their problems.”
I think this cuts right to the heart of the matter. THAT is what Dave Hasz just doesn’t get about why the very foundation of the HA is broken.
While I can’t even comprehend some of the things you’ve had to deal with since the Honor Academy, there is much I can relate to about your story–TM has effected me in many of the same ways. I have struggled so much with feelings of worthlessness and shame, of not being good enough. I have at times let myself become so isolated because I couldn’t recognize myself anymore…how could I let anyone else really see me?
You also said: “A small flame in my heart still thinks I can “beat this” and finally live a life of passion for a loving Creator. I hope to one day reach the point where I can help other people who feel the way I do. I hope to be able to participate in a creative and loving ministry that meets people where they are and shows them the Jesus Who changes hearts—not all the works that make us better and good enough.”
I believe with all my heart that this WILL happen. You have demonstrated enormous courage here with your choice to be honest and vulnerable. This shows me that you are a very strong person, and will be able to overcome anything.
Peace and love,
LGG
Anonymoussays:December 1, 2011 9:54 PMReply
Shannon,
I am so glad you wrote this and so glad to have the privilege of reading it. It is strange to think back to when we lived together because I knew you but didn’t know much of any of what you have written here. I want you to know that I will ALWAYS look back on the time we got to know each other as some of my favorite years because of getting to spend time with you. I ALWAYS look with fondness on our times of watching crouching tiger together and coming in late at night and just being, together. I realize now that much of that time you were hurting in ways I didn’t know, but you added to my life so much. I always tell people about you and the bond I felt that we shared. I say that you were the one of the best parts of my GC experience.
While I have had a life of different particular heartbreaks and have been going through liberation from other types of strongholds (my relationship with my parents, reconciling my past with my present), I have found much freedom in starting to learn how to let myself be my true self. I mention these things not to advise you, but as an offering of things that have helped my perspective develop and have let me start enjoy living in a new way.
Thank you again for sharing yourself.
Committed Christiansays:December 1, 2011 11:31 PMReply
I am so sorry about what has happened to you. I agree with littlegraygirl in that the idea of emphasizing “super Christians” to the point where struggling, hurt people are compelled to hide their problems is reveals the heart of the matter…legalism. It is true that Christians are called to a life of holiness but Jesus also calls us to continually repent and come to Him trusting in Him and that fact that He saved us. We can trust that no matter how far we have fallen He is still ready to receive us on account of what He has done for us. We can turn to Him trusting that as we consecrate our lives to Him He will give us the ability to grow in holiness. All Christians struggle with sin, even so called “Super Christians”. And God is glorified in whatever we do to serve Him and others even the most mundane jobs. We work as if to the Lord himself no matter what it is. I felt like a failure too…although it was not due to Teen Mania although my former denomination (SBC) seemed to try to get kids to sign up for it, because I felt like I could not accomplish what God called me to do. I was striving to become a missionary but could not seem to get the needed skills, like leadership and teaching skills and people downright discouraged me at times. I even made an idol out of being a missionary, what a sin! Years passed by and ten years later I am not a missionary…I barely even have a job. But with our gracious God all hope of ever being used of Him is not lost. I repented of my idolatry, although I still struggle, but God is still providentially leading me forward in what He called me to. I am seeking to be a member of a PCA church, which I thought would never happen, and the pastor has the same type of interest in missions as me and my husband. We recently moved and it was the last place we wanted to move to. Who knew? I say all that because He loves you and promises to sanctify you and use you for His glory however that may be.
laynesays:December 2, 2011 9:38 AMReply
Oh Shannon, I just want to give you a hug. And beat the shit out of your ex-husband.
Esthersays:December 5, 2011 1:00 AMReply
Having now sent this to the wrong Shannon, I’ll just post it as a comment before I send it to any more wrong Shannon’s. Shoulda stuck with that in the first place…
Reading through all the Part’s made me want to cry but Part 6 was most especially heartbreaking. I tell people all the time that we as Christians should be the very LAST to judge or condemn anyone for having an abortion, that we should be the first to offer grace, compassion, understanding, and unconditional uncompromising love, acceptance, and support. God loves you just the same, why should we imperfect humans do any less?
You are such a beautiful person, inside and out, and you have come through SO much. You are so very very strong and I admire your bravery.
shannon-ashleysays:December 8, 2011 12:35 PMReply
I’m sorry I haven’t commented much on the site for the past several days. I appreciate all of the support you guys give. Though I don’t feel strong or brave, I feel it is important to discuss these things so that others feel able to deal with their TM experience too, perhaps because they see my story on here.
Dianesays:December 15, 2011 10:02 AMReply
“I got myself into a position at my apartment where I let my boyfriend “take advantage of me.” I had started out saying no, but it was a foreign statement.”
I just want to say – I know it sounds cliche – but no means no, whether or not it’s a “foreign statement” to you. You did not “let” him take advantage of you – he plainly and simply sexually assaulted you. Do NOT claim that guilt as your own. Please recognize that you did not ask for that to happen in any way, and what he did was wrong.
wanderersays:January 30, 2012 10:44 PMReply
Shannon….
Thank you so so much for your willingness to share this. I would offer that the fact that you have so bravely shared this story is in itself proof that who you are is NOT weak, or afraid. You’re braver than very, very, very many others.
Think about that for a while, k? You’re a beautiful soul.