At this same time, I was struggling with my work life. When I first returned to MN after my divorce, I was sleeping on my mom’s couch in her one bedroom apartment. I took up a retail job and actually liked what I was doing. It was for an artsy store, so I at least got to be in a somewhat creative element, and the manager there recognized my hard work and I was quickly promoted. Those things had done a lot for my self-esteem at the time, and help get me out of the depression after the divorce. Things changed however, when I was offered a promotion to another location. I accepted it and took an apartment nearby. The opportunity however, fell through after I had signed the lease. Within a couple of weeks I was beginning a new job for a temp agency and was thrust into a sedentary office job. By the time everything occurred with my home church, I was increasingly depressed about working this daily grind just to make ends meet. There was no passion for me in my daily life and I was exhausted when I came home. My life became very small and food became my solace. I dated a non-Christian during that first position, just out of loneliness. I also felt myself slipping away from the truth and thought that nothing mattered — I didn’t matter, morals didn’t matter.
I got myself into a position at my apartment where I let my boyfriend “take advantage of me.” I had started out saying no, but it was a foreign statement. Really. I never stood up for myself or said NO at Teen Mania. I didn’t say no to my parents. The times I raised up any questions at my old church, I was shut down. (One instance was when no one would give me a ride to a conference at the church and the closest person to me refused because he was a male, so it would be wrong for us to be in the car alone together. Never mind the fact that this same guy went out of his way to offer help, like rides, to a girl in the church whom he had already expressed his desire to court, which she had rejected. He would sacrifice his appearance for her but not anyone else in need.) It was very similar to me not being able to get rides into town, to the doctor, or to church when I was at TM.
So at any rate, I did not stand my ground and I sinned with this person and I knew it was wrong. And I fell into a deeper depression because I had never done anything so evil and I didn’t know how anyone, including God could forgive me. So I kept it a secret.
To my shame I shortly after dated someone else, a nominal Christian. But I felt that I was no better and had no right for anything different. And then I did something that I never thought I would have done in a million years. I did something I never told anyone about. Something that I am even afraid to share here. I had an abortion. The reason I don’t talk about it is the shame. I was ashamed to tell anyone I had gotten in that situation and I didn’t know what to do. My father and sister had become like best friends in the past couple years as he supported her financially and I had seen the evidence that he was molesting her four young children. (That’s its own story). I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to protect a child from him, and it was a huge factor in my choice. During the actual procedure (which again, is a whole other story), the doctor advised me that this was not a “viable” or “healthy” pregnancy. Just prior to that the technician told me there was no heartbeat and it appeared to be an “empty sac.” But honestly, the whole experience made me feel like I was at a “death farm” and I was prodded along like cattle. I felt lightheaded and drugged up as I tried to dress and I couldn’t think of what to say, or questions to ask. Afterwards, and to this day I wondered whether the things they said had been true.
I’m sorry if my story is too long or offensive for some. I want very much to be honest because I believe that one of the real problems with TM is their promotion of “Super Christians” to the point where struggling, hurting people feel compelled to hide their problems. Like the Casting Crowns song, “Stained Glass Masquerade”:
But if I dared to let you see
the truth behind the person you imagine me to be
would your arms stay open or would you walk away?
Would the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay?
I highly recommend listening to that entire song and really let the words sink in and think about what they mean.
Anyway, the truth is that things have just NEVER been the same for me. Although I have repented and turned from those choices I made, although I think that Jesus is more than enough to save me, I am hurting every day. I am lonely. I am afraid. Years have passed.
I still work in an office at a sedentary job where I feel like my spirit and soul are crushed every day. I work hard and get the bills paid, I believe that whenever I am in physical need (food, shelter, etc) God provides for me. But I’m still not living — I am well aware of that. I have a constant critic in my head telling me I am a failure, reinforcing the hurts I had when I was at TM. I blame myself for getting off the plan God had for me and for not “having what it takes.”
A few years ago, my abusive father died. His last words to me were an angry voicemail message four months earlier, telling me that I was “evil” and “not a Christian” because I shared what I had seen about the abuse of my sisters children to social services. I attended his funeral out of a feeling of obligation and had to sit through lies. It’s no wonder to me that I struggle to see God as a Father. My earthly father was an abusive man who was highly esteemed by our local community and the minor league baseball world. The work he did as an artist earned him acclaim that was never taken down by the truth. That is another reason why I now look much harder at the fruit of TM.
If you knew me at my best, toward the beginning of TM when I was outgoing and had hope you would not likely recognize me now. I am still struggling with compulsive eating and restriction, but I am actually obese. My body has become a stranger, and my world has grown smaller. A common theme among my managers is that while I am a hard worker and compassionate person, I am too quiet and need to gain more confidence to be a leader. Ouch. I can’t help but think how the people who know me now would not recognize the girl I used to be, who travelled to Trinidad and Amsterdam and gave a year of her life to God to HONE HER LEADERSHIP SKILLS. It’s just so sad to know that I was a part of this huge movement of young people, that it meant so much to me, yet I have so little good to show for it. I don’t have the life-long friends. I’m not a part of the community anymore. And after discovering that I’m not the only one who was hurt like this, that there are even worse stories? I lost my respect for TM. It is seriously sad.
I am currently working on overcoming my feelings of worthlessness. I do try to give myself permission to do things to take care of myself, even if I feel that I don’t deserve them or other Christians might think it’s frivolous. But it is a long, lonely road so far. I know that I need to work on the creative side of my life.
A small flame in my heart still thinks I can “beat this” and finally live a life of passion for a loving Creator. I hope to one day reach the point where I can help other people who feel the way I do. I hope to be able to participate in a creative and loving ministry that meets people where they are and shows them the Jesus Who changes hearts—not all the works that make us better and good enough. A ministry that does not put it on children’s shoulders to save souls themselves, but teaches that Jesus and only Jesus is doing the saving. We are only here to help and love. I pray for it.
At any rate, it’s up to you to determine whether or not my words and experience has merit. I mean, I hold down a job just fine, but I am by no means a whole person. I am trying to rebuild by life with His Grace, but most days feel like a failure.
