Note from RA: I expect to hear back from the Board of Directors today. If I do, I will post a full update tomorrow morning.
When I first started reading about the experiences at TM I was a little skeptical. It led me to think about my experiences at TM.
I was a January intern class of 2001. I used to say that my year as an intern was one of the most challenging years of my life but one of the best. I’m starting to question if that was the case.
I still get a nagging sense that I was supposed to be there the season that I attended. I learned so much. I had some amazing experiences at the HA but suppressed all of the negative ones.I didn’t realize I had suppressed the negative ones until I began to read your blog and different emotions and feelings started hitting me. I haven’t thought about these things in almost 10 years since I graduated. (Mod Note: This doesn’t mean the blog created these feelings. It means that they were already there and the truth on this blog brought them into the light.)
During my time at the HA I was an ACA, one of the leaders of the Dance Team, on the Honor Council, and an AA. I met some amazing people, learned some amazing things and loved the different guest speakers and the events that we coordinated. Although I had an amazing experience, I found myself not able to handle the pressure. I know there is no such thing as a perfect organization but I wasn’t used to being under “legalism.”
Legalism puts more weight on rules and procedures of an organization and less on the word of God. I found myself trying to measure up to the rules of the HA vs. trying to please God.
During the time of my internship I thought that by keeping the rules of HA I was pleasing God but it is not the same. We were encouraged to seek the Lord and our purpose but it was done according to their standards and their beliefs. That is not true freedom in Christ. Christianity is not a set of rules to complete. It is about a personal relationship with the Lord. It’s an intimate thing. We were saved by grace which seemed to be missing from TM.
I found myself doing everything that I did out of fear rather than true passion. I wanted to be accepted. I didn’t want to be dismissed. I wanted to be obedient to the Lord and TM. This caused a tremendous war inside of me. I began to feel constant pressure. I continued to pray, seek the Lord, and engage myself in ministry but I couldn’t shake the crushing pressure. I began to seek to please man (TM) rather than God.
As I approached graduation I was encouraged to stay as a GI. I went down Gideon’s road and was selected to be a CA for the next January class. It is during this time I began to break down. I couldn’t take the pressure anymore. I began to talk to people about how I was feeling but they attributed my feelings to being homesick. They encouraged me that I was getting ready to do a great thing, mentor the next generation of leaders.
I told my accountability partner I didn’t think I was coming back after Christmas break but she didn’t take me seriously. I also felt pressure from some Church members back at home to return to TM. No one listened to me. I was so burned out. I needed a break. I felt so alone. I felt so far from God. I felt trapped. That’s when I snapped. I did something that I am not proud of so that I couldn’t go back. I soon regretted it after but at the time I felt it was my only way of escape.
After that I had a constant battle with depression, feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy, and condemnation. The people at home didn’t understand nor did the people of TM.
Since then I have received healing and am still receiving healing. I have also been involved in ministry. I know that I’m called to make a difference in the lives of young people but I make sure that I show the love and compassion of Christ. Because of what I went through, I have a compassion for those who are hurting spiritually.
The shocking part is I had repressed those feelings and attributed everything to being my fault that I couldn’t deal with the pressure and took the coward’s way out.
God has freed me from this feeling and I have released TM. My prayer is that God would give the leaders a spirit of love and compassion. So that they will know how to effectively minister to those who aren’t perfect.
13 comments:
Wow. No one has commented on this yet?
Kim I am so glad you shared this story. Especially because you were one of the ‘more loved’ interns. That helps me see that everyone was effected by T.M.
I see nothing wrong with taking the ‘cowards’ way out (which, I’m sure wasn’t really that cowardly.) Teen Mania is so overbearing it’s the only way to leave with out going crazy with thoughts of wanting to go back. I left in the middle of my year and let people think I was dismissed so that I could avoid them and told a lot of people I was officially released when I wasn’t actually just so I could avoid judgement.
June 1, 2010 12:58 PM
CarrieSaum said…
Kimberly,
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s wild to think that you would intentionally do something “wrong” to get sent home. My best friend was involved in a cult during college, and she took a job in AZ with a crazy family just so she could start to break free. You are definitely not alone in feeling that desperation. You did what you had to do, and nobody here is going to judge you for it. It just makes me sad that you never felt like you could leave when you needed to.
June 1, 2010 1:23 PM
Cesna said…
Matthew 23
1Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: 2″The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. 3So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. 4They tie up heavy loads and put them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.
5″Everything they do is done for men to see: They make their phylacteries[a] wide and the tassels on their garments long; 6they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues; 7they love to be greeted in the marketplaces and to have men call them ‘Rabbi.’
8″But you are not to be called ‘Rabbi,’ for you have only one Master and you are all brothers. 9And do not call anyone on earth ‘father,’ for you have one Father, and he is in heaven. 10Nor are you to be called ‘teacher,’ for you have one Teacher, the Christ.[b] 11The greatest among you will be your servant. 12For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.
13″Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to…”
There you have it, people. Jesus speaking on legalism. :/ When I read this verse, I could NOT stop thinking about how this could be Jesus talking to David Hasz or Ron Luce. When I read your story, Kimberly, it reminded me. I’m so sorry you felt you had to rig it to where you didn’t have to go back… I would have done something similar in your shoes.
June 1, 2010 1:42 PM
phoenix said…
Kimberly,
I’m sorry you felt so burdened. I also don’t feel you the ‘cowards way out’, I left mid year by choice (however according to DH the feeling was mutual), but instead of ‘pray for her so she see’s the light’ I basically was treated as she rejected us, now we must reject her. If any of my friends called to see how I was doing and DH learned of it, they were campused. Needless to say I was blacklisted quickly, in my opinion you did the right thing.
June 1, 2010 1:44 PM
Cesna said…
I’m going to regret asking this… but what is… “campused”? D:
June 1, 2010 1:45 PM
MM said…
that is when you are sent to your room for being bad. You can only go to work, get food and classes
all aother free time you were to stay in your room.
I was campused for 6 weeks. IT sucked really bad. It felt like i was in prision
June 1, 2010 1:51 PM
Cesna said…
So… if you ever made any motion to reach people that got dismissed… you got grounded.
…
…..
…….
Wow. Christianity fail.
June 1, 2010 1:56 PM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
Oh, and when you’re campused you can’t talk.
Unless it’s “absolutely necessary”.
Even if the whole room is campused too.
At least that’s how it was when I was there.
June 1, 2010 2:00 PM
Cesna said…
Everyday, I think I find three more reasons to be grateful I never went to HA.
June 1, 2010 2:21 PM
Anonymous said…This post has been removed by a blog administrator.June 2, 2010 9:02 AM
Anonymous said…
Did you hear from the Board of Directors?
June 2, 2010 7:26 PM
Kate said…
I know just how to feel, about not thinking about the bad things, until you started reading this blog. The same thing has happened to me. I have, over the years, thought about TM, off and on, always saying “It was the best, worst year of my life,” and that’s true, in so many ways. I just didn’t think about the “worst” parts. But looking back over the past ten plus years since I was an intern, I am horrified about how different I became after my year as an intern. I became a different person. My twenties – wow, I don’t regret them, but I was wild…out of control…I had two nervous breakdowns and completely left my faith behind. Over the past four years, I have healed so much and have found a new path to God. I see though, that many things that happened my year at TM have still not been dealt with, within me. I am trying to sort through those things. Your post has really helped me. I hate that others had hard experiences with TM…really hate it, but I am so thankful not to be alone.
June 7, 2010 11:49 AM
Heather said…
Kimberly…Kimo??? Is that you??? Girl, if so, I have searched for your for YEARS. Please email me!!! heathermoritz@gmail.com
June 26, 2010 1:54 AM