I’ve been thinking about my post H.A. experience for a while, I wanted to share it.
I left the H.A. in the middle of my second year, spring 2008. I went home with an elitist attitude towards everyone in my church… much to my personality, I’m loud and passionate naturally- whether I’m right or wrong. But I was also a shell of a person. I felt like a complete loser for not being able to live up to the H.A. standard yet somehow still felt like I was better than everyone else because I knew everything there was to know and everyone needed to learn from me. I wasn’t equipped to teach anyone and yet felt like if no one listened to me I was failing them because I had to (basically) save the world.
I also felt so guilty and torn up. I honestly did feel like I was the only one who couldn’t live up to the H.A. standard and I desperately needed to figure out how to. Though – I hated the Honor Academy terribly. Oh how much I hated Teen Mania. I had so much shame from my time there and what I had gone through. I felt like a complete loser and I also did not trust anyone.
So I’d blow up at anyone I was around for longer than 15 minutes for how imperfect they were and go home, then stew in my bitterness towards T.M. and how much I hated everyone there, all the while praying God would help me not be such a terrible Christian and forgive me for not being able to fulfill my commitment. Can I get an amen anyone?
A big day for me was when I was listening to some old worldview classes I had downloaded before I left. (Reminder – I hated the H.A. but still totally thought that they were the standard and I was a failure so I definitely tried to do what they told me to.) I heard Dave tell the interns something along the lines of “You don’t need to go to a ministry to pray! You can go to your rooms and pray! There is a generation that needs you! What a waste of time to pray all day, you need to be on the front lines!” He said it in that really convincing voice and it made sense. This was in one of the worldview classes from Spring of ’08. Oh, how I wish I had not deleted it with every other T.M. class I had. I would have just blown off the comment, except a good 10 staff members had announced at that time they were leaving T.M to go to IHOP (International House of Prayer.)
And that’s when I first thought that things were actually off at the H.A. like Dave was scared that more interns would leave so he lowered himself to bashing another ministry. It also struck me pretty hard because I was planning on moving to IHOP. I changed my mind after finding out so many people I knew from the H.A. would be up there. But eventually after spending a good chunk of time calming down from my time in the ‘bubble’ I had enough guts to go. I figured if I saw someone I would avoid them completely, even be rude to get them away. I was not going to let T.M. ruin my life. (Hindsight – I was definitely letting T.M. ruin my life.)
My first time to the prayer room I saw an alumnus that I knew from working in the call center and realized I had a lot of pain from my time at T.M. (because I freaked out and got really angry just by knowing that I had to share the same room with these people… I had a lot of fear and anger built up. It’s sad even to just look back on how terrified I was of staff members, I think mostly because I had idolized them so much that I couldn’t handle their rejection.) I didn’t like one person from the Honor Academy, I thought that I was a loser and I was so angry thinking, “how in the heck would anyone still want to be on Dave’s side when he bashed everyone of them for leaving???????” I do hesitate writing this. But what good will it do to sugar coat that one? That’s exactly what he did. He’s also now started teaching IHOP’s stuff. I guess it’s cool for Dave to say whatever he wants in class cause the next year he’ll just have a whole new group of interns he can push his agenda of the moment on.
Anyways, after seeing this person (who was my friend at one time) within the first 5 minutes of stepping on the IHOP base I choose to never go to IHOP at that time EVER AGAIN for fear that I would see a swarm of alumni at one time. Really the thought was a nightmare. Is that the sign of a healthy individual? haha. I believe the normal reaction would have been to just not talk to the person. Maybe walk past them, wave, smile and walk away? But no. I definitely did not go back to IHOP for that set again until 5 months later. I’m serious.
There was only one alumnus that actually came up and talked to me my whole time as a part of that ministry. I’m sure it was to be nice and make sure I was doing alright, you know, to be a friend? Like I would trust that. I was such a mess. I’m not sure why he was so persistent cause I was consistently rude to him. All I could think whenever this person would come up to me was, ‘There is no way I could ever be friends with anyone from the H.A., If they knew why I left none of them would talk to me. I’m a total failure and I don’t want to be friends with them anyways.’ I wanted to scream ‘F-you Teen Mania.’ But really felt like I was so unworthy and it was actually my fault and really thought they were all better Christians than I was. And that’s how it went for about 5 months.
I did lead a fairly normal life, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t consumed by this, only when it came up. It just came up often in my situation. The emotions from T.M. were very deep rooted.
I would see staff members and run the other direction. I was in a place that can look like T.M. in a lot of ways. So I was confronted with it every day with no hope of escape honestly. Everyone I knew was pro-T.M. which meant I was a failure. Because if you’re pro-T.M. than you think that if you leave early, you’ve broken your commitment and thus a bad influence. And since there was no one to tell me any different (and with that, no one showed me any different either) this is what I continued to believe even though I hated it. As well, really, if anyone would have tried to tell me there was anything wrong with T.M. I don’t know if I would have believed them. I was acting weird and living in torment for real, but I thought it was exactly how I was supposed to feel for being a failure.
The next big thing that happened is I learned about believing lies. You can believe that something is true even if it isn’t. As stupid as it might sound, I had never really heard that before. I guess… I just kinda thought whatever I was told was true?
A good example would be about body image. We look in the mirror and think, ‘I’m ugly.’ But the truth is no matter how you look God looks at you and says you’re beautiful. So who ever told you you were ugly??? Honestly it wasn’t God.
He’d been showing me different things I thought were true but actually weren’t. Like because I didn’t grow up in a Christian home I’d never be a good enough Christian or amount to very much. That’s not true, He knows the plans He has for me does He not? Is He not able to complete the work He started?
So He’s working on my heart and I finally start thinking, ‘Something is wrong with how I feel about Christianity and what happened at T.M.’ because it really had been plaguing me since I left. Almost every day I couldn’t move past these feelings I had. I was also living with a couple alumni, so almost everyone in my life was telling me the same things the H.A. did.
I wanted to find someone that would disagree with what T.M. teaches. I didn’t know what I was really looking for at all, just someone that maybe had some relief to at least one of my pains. After doing some searching I found www.recoveringalumni.com
I started reading the blog and was quite impressed honestly. I’m trying to remember how I really did feel but I think I mostly felt like, ‘FINALLY!!!! The crap I went through wasn’t my fault!!!!’ Because NO ONE ever told me that anything was wrong with T.M. teachings so I just lived in this torment with no idea how to get out. (remember, I had only been away from the place less than a year and a half and didn’t trust anyone from any church. And I had surrounded myself with people who believed the same way I did. What-a-mess.) R.A. was nailing everything on the head that I felt. Except a few things. I didn’t like the feeling of ‘bashing’ T.M. I didn’t want to say anything bad about Ron or Dave and I didn’t want to accuse anyone. Other than that it really was helping me a lot.
So, I soaked it all in. Took a good three days to read every blog post and basically obsessed over this for like a month. Which that started to feel weird after a while. No one understood and my room mates were getting on my case. Why was I obsessing like this??? Why couldn’t I just let it all go??? Honestly, there were season’s that I was on the blog for like an hour or even two a day. Like I said, I had to figure out what happened to me.
I’m going to say that about two years into it (4 months after I found the blog) was really the time I actually started to feel normal and confident that the H.A. had really abused me and that I was actually wronged. (instead of the problem that brought on the rightful punishment.) But I wouldn’t say I thought the Honor Academy was a bad place. And definitely not a cult. I just had realized they had messed up when it came to my situation. And that felt good.
Anyways – Last year I spent 5 months taking care of my father because he nearly died of a very serious heart condition. It was an eye opening experience and allowed me to really see that life is so not anything like what the H.A. ever said it would be. I definitely do not get to choose my circumstances and I could do everything right and still see a terrible outcome. The big lesson I learned is that the outside circumstances don’t change your relationship with God. He is actually with you every step of the way. I think it is a fair assessment to say the Honor Academy teaches you that if you’re doing good it’s because God has blessed your works. If you’re doing bad you need to change so God will be able to bless you. Not true from what I experienced. He is good in every situation and usually He’s the only thing good in my life.
Around this time (1.5 years out of the H.A., 5 months after finding the blog and 1 month of taking care of my dad) I found out that IHOP and T.M. connected. Ron spoke at OneThing about G.E. I was so mad. I was hurt. I felt like everything had just fallen down around me and crumbled. How could IHOP, this ministry I loved become friends with this ministry that hurt me so badly??? Didn’t IHOP care about me? Finally I had found a place that was safe and they decided to invite one of my worst enemies to the table and I had to be the one to get up and leave the party because no one would stand up for me. No way. How was I going to fight T.M.? Who would choose me over a ministry?
The next few months would be the time the board of directors was being contacted, we had the conference call and ESOAL got called out on the news. It was all such a swirl for me! I think I really got over T.M. at the conference call. I realized Dave has NO intention of changing and since then have been realizing Teen Mania is full of false teaching. I mean wow. Everything they’ve done when I put it all together SCREAMS, “We only care about our own agenda.”
A small part of me is relieved. I can finally just say, ‘Wow. T.M. is really a messed up place and I don’t feel guilty for ANYTHING that happened to me there. No way am I going to believe anything they try to tell me.”
The other big part of me is so upset over this. It’s still happening! And that is where I’m at right now. I don’t freak out when people walk in the room that were staff members at the H.A. and I don’t view them as ‘alumni.’ I don’t get mad when I think about having wasted a year and a half of my life, I don’t get upset when people don’t understand. (usually.) The cult doesn’t hold any ground over me. I’m just so angry they are actually getting away with what they are doing and I can’t sit back and say that it’s ok. If I can’t do anything else I can state that I know the place is messed up. I can take a break and forget about the place but when someone asks me if I agree with T.M. I can’t say yes just to be nice.
The ‘Honor Academy’ is not a one year internship to get you closer to God.
The ‘Honor Academy’ is a scam to get workers for T.M. they will be manipulated and lied to constantly and if they don’t submit to the mold they will be harassed until they finally break or leave. If they submit they will be treated like second class interns because they weren’t able to do it on their own, if they leave they will be forgotten about near instantly and the ‘love’ they once felt will definitely be shown for it’s true colors – manipulation and abuse. They never actually cared.
15 comments:
Shiloh I have watched you since I joined even becoming stronger and I think of you as such a beautiful and strong person. <3 you lady! You really are walking with the Lord and it’s such an amazing thing to witness! You are right and I think your last paragraph is something that should be shouted from the rooftops. *HUGS*
February 16, 2011 9:56 AM
phoenix said…
Shiloh!!
I’m so so so proud of you! Heartsfire said everything I wanted to say, YOU ARE so beautiful, strong, amazing, and so right about TM. They only show you a false love, that is revoked the moment you begin to think for your self.
Hugs lady!
February 16, 2011 10:16 AM
Jayme Wass said…
Shiloh-
I love you so much girl! It has been an honor to be a part of your life thus far and I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for you!!!! You are a beautiful, fun loving woman of God and don’t you ever forget it….because if you do I know where you sleep and I’ll beat you with a pillow :D.
<3 you girl
February 16, 2011 11:47 AM
Eric said…
“What a waste of time to pray all day, you need to be on the front lines!” Wow. Yeah, why would anyone ever seek the Lord when they could be doing work themselves? Actually, that’s probably a huge part of HA’s failure right there.
High fives, Shiloh!
February 16, 2011 11:58 AM
Recovering Alumni said…
Shiloh – I remember feeling much the same way. For years after the HA I was tormented by the guilt and shame of not living up to what a “good Christian” should be even though I was walking with God! Its just crazy how they mess with your brain. The first day I realized it wasn’t all my fault was the first day of my freedom.
February 16, 2011 2:57 PM
Renae said…
Your first paragraph is perfect. I haven’t kept in touch with a single intern who didn’t do this. Some matured out of it… some didn’t. But I don’t know a single intern who didn’t come out of the HA an arrogant know-it-all, and I include myself in that statement.
One of my biggest regrets is becoming a total jerk to my brother who was having serious doubts about his faith. Luckily he forgave me when I came to my senses and we’re even closer now even though he’s an atheist. And unlike when I thought I knew everything, right when I came out of HA, now we can have long theological discussions about religion and life without ending in yelling and name-calling (which was started by me 99% of the time).
If HA is teaching interns how to walk closer with God, then why do they all attack their fellow brothers and sisters as soon as they return home?
February 16, 2011 5:59 PM
Krista said…
“I think it is a fair assessment to say the Honor Academy teaches you that if you’re doing good it’s because God has blessed your works. If you’re doing bad you need to change so God will be able to bless you. Not true from what I experienced. He is good in every situation and usually He’s the only thing good in my life.”
Good call, Shiloh – thanks for sharing your story with us! It took me years to get over this mindset – I’m so glad you’re able to see things more clearly now.
February 16, 2011 8:40 PM
Shiloh said…
@Jayme- Wow. I’m so glad you’re here. I can’t even tell you how happy it makes me. You’re my sister and I love you so much.
Thanks guys. 🙂
Is this stuff pretty normal to go through you think?
February 17, 2011 10:50 AM
Eric said…
Shiloh– Sounds quite normal to me. I’m no psychologist, but my guess is that they’d say you were going through a natural process of overcoming a degree of cognitive dissonance. It takes time and tension for anybody to un-learn and recover from indoctrination that’s as intense as TM’s and get to the realization, “The problem is not what I thought it was!”
Also known as “removing spiritual strongholds” in Christianese. 🙂
February 17, 2011 11:28 AM
Shiloh said…
Oh my gosh I speak Christianese. I’m glad you’ve learned two languages so you can translate for me. xD
February 17, 2011 11:48 AM
Recovering Alumni said…
Shiloh – I think your experience is totally normal. Except maybe for the fact that you went through it so quickly!
February 17, 2011 3:05 PM
jeff said…
Shiloh said….”I had to be the one to get up and leave the party because no one would stand up for me. No way. How was I going to fight T.M.? Who would choose me over a ministry?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the order of your points….
#1. Do you feel good about leaving that party now? I’m thinking it is a good thing if you do.
#2. Even people who feel compassion are cowed into silence in a cult, but I’m thinking and hoping you know people would stand up for you now.
#3. Actually I’d not recommend fighting TM, just fight for people and screw TM. hehe
#4. Who would choose you over an abusive ministry, well off the top of my head….God, true friends, & good hearted, brave people in general. 🙂
February 19, 2011 2:14 PM
Shiloh said…
Thank you Jeff.
That was by far one of the toughest blows I faced from my recovering process. Those are still hard things for me to believe. Do you think people in church will actually fight the church?
I feel VERY good about leaving the party. It took a long time for me to realize the party was not all it was hyped up to be.
This church stuff really is a big fat mess huh?
February 19, 2011 11:57 PM
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February 21, 2011 3:02 AM
jeff said…
Hi Shiloh,
In answer to your question of, “Do you think people in church will actually fight the church?” I will share this, largely based on my own experience……
Once stupidity, cruelty, & abuse start forming in any ministry people need to find something good to fight for along with doing it for the right reasons. Otherwise, without any legitimate change happening the fruit of that ministry will continue to grow worse and worse, until the ministry is only good for being a key part of God’s promised garbage fire someday.
February 21, 2011 1:12 PM