SEXISM
My Intern Advisor was also the Dean of Women. She was on staff for only one year before she and her husband moved on to something else. At our very first focus group, she passed out that dreadful list of rules along the lines of “How to be a Godly Teen Mania Woman”. By then we had already been given so many different lists of rules governing every aspect of our HA experience, it was becoming a little absurd. I made a joke about it, something along the lines of: “Hurray! Another list!”. I was only trying to be funny, not rude, but my Advisor heard it, and it came back to bite me.
She was a lovely woman–delicate, stylish, pretty, well-put together. We all loved her immediately. She had a sweet little voice like wind-chimes. With that voice, she told us essentially that godly women were seen and not heard, that godly women dressed modestly but stylishly and wore make-up, etc. etc. You’ve all seen the abominable list. This was bad news for a girl like me, who didn’t have enough money to live up to the standards of dress. I couldn’t afford make-up, and my style was dependent upon whatever was on blue-light special at K-Mart, or whatever I could find in my size on the free table. It was also bad news because I had lots of good guy friends from my ministry placement, which was a no-no, and because I didn’t enjoy things like baking and crafts and manicures and cheesy romantic comedies. (I eventually shrugged most of these guidelines off, as I couldn’t see any evidence for them in the Bible, and there was nothing in the handbook that indicated I could be dismissed for wearing t-shirts and jeans.) TM has a very limited definition of femininity, one that alienates many women who go through the program. (Additionally, it has a very limited definition of masculinity, alienating all the men who don’t enjoy physical contact sports, polar diving, screaming and chest pounding, etc.)
We were required to meet with our advisor every so often–I can’t remember if it was monthly or quarterly or what. My very first meeting was painful. I had never interacted with her before that moment, but she had read my files and felt that she knew all about me and had the right to speak into my life. As I sat there meekly, eagerly, excited to begin a mentoring relationship with my sweet, pretty advisor, she told me that she could tell I was someone who had a bad attitude. She cited the joke I’d made in focus group as an example. I was utterly taken aback. I was still in the honeymoon stage at that point; I was still EXCITED about being at the HA! How could I possibly appear to have a bad attitude? I was crushed that she would have such a low opinion of me. I wanted to please her so badly. I don’t want to make it sound like she was mean to me, because she wasn’t. Like my CA and my ACA, I believe that she wanted what was best for me, but she didn’t ever really get to KNOW me. I met with her the obligatory number of times after that, always being careful as to how I presented myself. We spent virtually NO time together.
The 4th (and last) time I met with her, I was seeking a recommendation to go down a G.I. road. (Yes, in spite of everything, I thought I was supposed to stay another year. And maybe I was, I don’t know.) She told me that she hesitated to give me a recommendation, because she was disappointed in my growth. She had expected so much more from me, she said. I was baffled, because I felt like I had grown a lot since that first meeting with her. I was much more disciplined (thank you, probation!), socially secure, and I felt like my relationship with God was stronger than ever (no thanks to TM; I had, on my own, discovered the term “legalism” and had been striving to walk away from it). I asked her why she thought I hadn’t grown enough, and she told me it was because I had failed to live up to the standards of TM femininity. (For the record: though I didn’t like baking and such, I was still a girly-girl. Not that it actually matters, but I was cute, and boys liked me, etc.) The reason she gave me when I pressed for details?
My shoes.
Around thanksgiving, I had been sent some money, which I used to buy a pair of high-top Chuck Taylors. This was before everyone and their grandma had two or three pairs in their closet, and I was one of maybe a handful of interns on campus who wore them. They were by far the most expensive things I owned, and I was in love with them. “I love these shoes!” I protested. “I know you love them,” she replied. “But they’re BOY shoes.”
In the end I got the recommendation (with reservation), and stayed for another year, which I will talk about later.
Throughout the year, the femininity of the women on campus was insulted again and again by HA leadership with teaching that encouraged vanity and bordered on misogyny. We were ultimately to be the play-things of our husbands–the highest honor for a woman is to be the servant of a “godly” man. These same godly men were coincidentally being taught that if they loved God and stopped looking at porn, God would reward them with nothing less than a Barbie-doll wife who apparently has no interests, desires, opinions, or sexual needs of her own outside that of her husband. Like many HA philosophies, these ideas weren’t always explicitly taught, but rather implied, until they were commonly understood and accepted.
42 comments:
Might I suggest a Recovery Romp for all women of recovering alumni?
On the agenda:
Watching R rated movies.
Wearing Chuck Taylors (available in all colors)
Jumping on a Trampoline, hair flying, boobs bouncing
Riding 4 wheelers through the woods
Skinny Dipping in the Velvet Lake
Telling our Teen Mania stories using as much bad language as possible
Baking Cupcakes followed by A Frosting Fight
Loving each other exactly as we come to the table. This includes
Girly Girls
Tomboys
Gender Neutrals
Whats the interest level in this?
Love.
MoriahNovember 10, 2010 6:46 AM
Natalie Haskell said…
YOU STAYED A SECOND YEAR?!
plot twist.
I am really loving this story. I think I relate. 🙂November 10, 2010 8:20 AM
littlegraygirl said…
Natalie:
I know, right? (This is “Jamie”, by the way).
I didn’t realize how messed up everything was until later. I sort of knew that it wasn’t perfect, but thought that most of my problems there were my fault. (and, for the record, some of them probably were, at least partially). I ALWAYS knew, from the time I was like, 14, that I wanted to be on the ministry team. (I was SO in love with ATF)November 10, 2010 8:38 AM
littlegraygirl said…
Oh, P.S.: I actually stayed a third year, as a SA. Story for a different day. I didn’t include that year in my storyNovember 10, 2010 8:39 AM
heartsfire said…
Ugh I think the idea of TM’s perfect woman is enough to even in the best days make me cry. LGG “Jamie” (btw thank you for putting a name I know with this) I can’t imagine why Chucks would be labeled as bad shoes for women. Good freaking god.
Moriah, We absolutely should!
This whole idea that shoes make a woman make me cry. I had a similar issue with the pair of Doc Martins I had during my time there. Much like you “Jamie” I didn’t have a ton of money (I was goodwill poor generally) and I loved that pair of shoes because they were boot like and stopped my feet from going out from under me. I know you were just a year later than me but it shakes me greatly to hear your story. *hugs and cheers*
Heartsfire/Lisa/”Courtney” on the stories list!November 10, 2010 8:50 AM
Carol said…
Moriah – I’m pretty sure I’ve done almost all of those things on the list, but hell, let’s do it again with gusto. I’m in!November 10, 2010 8:57 AM
Anon 12 said…
Jamie,
For the past few mornings I have been reading your story. I can’t express to you how much our stories are alike. Especially, this morning’s post and the meeting with your Advisor. Again, Thank you for sharing. I feel like us “pretty tomboys” who didn’t care so much about the “pretty” are getting a little representation. I don’t know about you, but when I met with my councelor there was an implication that she didn’t want to see such a “pretty girl” go to waste. She was very nice as well. It was like she was trying to fix me so I could fit the mold.
I almost stayed on the Ministry Team as well. I even signed the contract but I decided to leave. I am so interested in the rest of your story.
Here’s to all the girls who love their CHUCKs!!!November 10, 2010 9:02 AM
Anonymous said…
What a man wants in a woman is for her to be HAPPY. Not just happy on the outside but happy on the inside. If TM makes you act/dress/behave a specific way and it steals your joy then this is clearly a bad thing. I’d love for my wife to go to Moriah’s party and have a lot of fun.November 10, 2010 9:14 AM
phoenix said…
“We were ultimately to be the play-things of our husbands–the highest honor for a woman…”
I may have had a light bulb moment…off to process that.
Side note: YAY for chucks and the pretty tom-boy. We ROCK!November 10, 2010 9:42 AM
Anon 12 said…
Hey thanks Anonymous. I am working on that “Happy” thing. Since I left TM, (a long time ago) I’ve lost most since of myself. I’m not sure what truly interests me or makes me happy. We’ll see.
Moriah, I think you are on to something, Girl!!!
Sounds fun.November 10, 2010 10:03 AM
Watchman Trent said…
A curse on all the people who make Christian girls feel like they have to be weak and boring in order to be Christian girls.
(and then they wonder why me and my brothers tend to look outside the faith for love and companionship… idiots)November 10, 2010 10:11 AM
Renae said…
I almost never wear makeup; I’ve practically grown flip flops out of the soles of my feet; I love climbing trees, kayaking, hiking, and watching roller derby (I’d love to play, but my career is very physical and if I got injured I’d be out of a job); I’m physically stronger than my husband; and he thinks I’m the sexiest, sweetest, most entertaining girl in the world. He fell madly in love with me for exactly who I am, and he says I make him feel like a real man.
It’s time to let Christian girls know they don’t have to fit in a mold to be a desirable wife. No decent person wants a Stepford wife, and shame on the Christians who make us think that’s what we have to be.November 10, 2010 10:49 AM
Recovering Alumni said…
As a fellow tomboy, I’m loving these comments!!November 10, 2010 11:16 AM
littlegraygirl said…
Aw…thanks, you guys!! Moriah, name the place and I’m there.
Would all of you “pretty tom-boys” hate me or kick me out of your club if I told you that now that I’m slightly less impoverished, I wear make-up and pay a bit more attention to how I dress? (Still hate rom-coms and would rather play with the boys, though). I guess that even though I wasn’t able to adhere to the TM womanly standards at the time, I still very much internalized the idea that a woman’s worth lies in her physical appearance. I’ve struggled for years with an eating disorder since my TM days.
Wow…in the process of telling my story, I’m learning so much about myself and the damage that was done there. I know that at the beginning of part one, I said that TM didn’t scar me, but I guess it did. For all the negatives I could list about growing up as sheltered and controlled as I did, one of the good things was that I was never really exposed to the idea that my appearance is the most important thing as a woman. My father and the other male role models in my life NEVER objectified women, or valued attractive ones over the others. People were either liked or disliked for who they were and how they acted. It was at the HA that I was first exposed to our culture’s ridiculous emphasis on a woman’s looks.
I find this really, really sad.
heartsfire and Anon 12: I’m glad you were able to connect with my story. I had a little freak-out after part 1 when up, thinking that maybe I had made a terrible mistake going public, but now I’m glad. 🙂November 10, 2010 11:26 AM
heartsfire said…
OMG Little Gray Girl seriously in your last comment you blew my mind because I think I internalized so much of the beauty lies on the exterior thing. I too have suffered from bouts of eating disorders. Much love to you sweetie! *HUGS* sister!November 10, 2010 11:44 AM
Shay said…
Wow. Jamie- you have incredible insight. Thank you for sharing as you have. I can really connect with you on so many levels. I remember hating that the girly things were always so. . . . LAME and the guy things seemed to be cool, hey they got to eat STEAK! Come on, why can’t we have steak? No we want finger foods. . . . and Chucks are AWESOME. . . the fact that you were almost disqualified from a second year because of your Chucks. . . that is just INSANE. I hope sharing your story has brought about some serious validation for your hurts and perceptions. I have been DEEPLY ministered to by reading what you have shared.November 10, 2010 12:40 PM
Anon 12 said…
“Would all of you “pretty tom-boys” hate me or kick me out of your club if I told you that now that I’m slightly less impoverished, I wear make-up and pay a bit more attention to how I dress?”
–NO way!!! I wear make up now too (just not everyday). Where I am from most girls wear pearls whether we are a tom boy or not. Then we go muddin’ with the boys. haha.
NO worries!! You still ROCK!!
“I guess that even though I wasn’t able to adhere to the TM womanly standards at the time, I still very much internalized the idea that a woman’s worth lies in her physical appearance. I’ve struggled for years with an eating disorder since my TM days.”
–Now your story is really hitting home with me. You’re definately not alone.November 10, 2010 1:06 PM
Jeremy said…
Beauty… when you look into a woman’s eyes and see what is in her heart. ~Nate DircksNovember 10, 2010 1:36 PM
Husband of RA said…
Mica, I’d love for you to go to Moriah’s party. I’m pissed for TM trying to program you (and others) into believing that they somehow know what we men want/look for in a woman. That speaks to their own inner-brokenness. Mica, you are the most beautiful woman in the world WITHOUT A DOUBT. I love you for who you are as a person, your inner-most character. Thanks for helping bring freedom to these others on thig blog.
Husband of RANovember 10, 2010 2:13 PM
Renae said…
“Would all of you “pretty tom-boys” hate me or kick me out of your club if I told you that now that I’m slightly less impoverished, I wear make-up and pay a bit more attention to how I dress?”
Of course not! Actually, before and during the HA I wore makeup. They wouldn’t have liked my pre-HA makeup though (I was a total punk). I don’t keep from wearing it as a statement really… it just hurts my eyes when I have my contacts in, and/or makes my skin break out. And I have pretty things to wear too now. I love dressing up and looking good, but I don’t feel like my worth is tied up in it and I don’t feel like I’m any less attractive on the days I throw on jeans and a tshirt. Of course, the flip flops are on no matter what I’m wearing. I have a shiny, golden leather-type pair for really nice outfits. But always sandals.
If we shunned you for being girly, we’d be just as shallow as those who told you to stop wearing “boy shoes!”
Anon 12, I totally have a string of pearls too! My dad gave it to me.November 10, 2010 2:13 PM
dan said…
I love how young women in our culture have a difficult enough time battling media stereotypes and what they do to self-image. And then, TM says “You know what? Let’s reinforce that and slap a ‘God sticker’ on it. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”
But keep the stones to yourselves everyone. Remember? TM staff always preface these teachings with “This isn’t biblical, it’s just good advice. Except I’m going to use the adjective ‘godly’, and give examples in Scripture that back up what I’m saying. But seriously…God didn’t say this. I’m saying it. Of course I’m the authority God has placed in your life, so…”
That makes it better. It really does.November 10, 2010 2:25 PM
katydid said…
Yay to Husband of RA–that is SO SWEET!!! She is beautiful–and I’m loving and agreeing with all the above comments!!!November 10, 2010 2:25 PM
phoenix said…
@Husband of RA – you rock
@Moriah – Love the party idea! Can I come?November 10, 2010 2:45 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
Thanks baby! 🙂
Let this be a lesson to all you single women out there. The right man will love you for exactly who YOU are, not whether you conform to “the list.”
There are true men of God who are NOT intimidated by strong women who have opinions and aren’t the traditional definition of “girly.” In fact, there are many men that prefer women that way.
Take heart. 🙂November 10, 2010 3:00 PM
jami c. said…
“There are true men of God who are NOT intimidated by strong women who have opinions and aren’t the traditional definition of “girly.” In fact, there are many men that prefer women that way.”
Yes! My husband has really helped me process through a lot of the gender teachings from the HA. I now live a happy, balanced life. I am who I am. And I don’t have to be someone I’m not in order to please him. And that makes me want to be as hot as I can possibly be. Heh.
I’ve loved your story, Jamie. I’m right there with you.November 10, 2010 3:41 PM
Eric said…
The truly it-would-be-funny-if-it-wasn’t-so-ridiculous part of this is that TMM is trying to “fight” against our culture by reinforcing the messages of our culture! Who says “Your worth lies in your physical appearance”– Jesus, or TV commercials that want to make you believe you need their hair product?
Take it from another happily married man: the only person worth marrying is the one who loves you for who you are. Meaning that you won’t find that person by trying to change into something you’re not.November 10, 2010 3:49 PM
LizBRÂ said…
Husband of RA: I wish there was a “like” button for your comment. 🙂
Also: to anyone else who was told you had to look/act/be a certain way in order to be a godly wife and a joy to your husband. . .I like looking nice and I also like wearing jeans and tank tops. I wear make-up to special events and not the rest of the year. I’m heavy and my body is all messed up from having a baby this year (hello, different sized boobs!). I know the value of a well-placed f-bomb, I eat bacon, I’m opinionated, and I only occasionally shave my legs. I watch “guy movies” AND the occasional chick flick. I’m a feminist, and I make delicious chocolate chip cookies. This summer a Teen Mania missionary confronted me while I was on campus because she thought my shirt was too low-cut.
I write all this to say: I am all these things, and Mr. LizBR still thinks I’m awesome.
SO ARE YOU.November 10, 2010 5:56 PM
Anonymous said…
Kodak Tomboy Chic Moment: I was very tomboy and put on the maintenance crew for my job placement. 2 days a week for chapel we had to wear dresses and go straight to work afterwards. I started wearing flannel plaid boxers underneath so I didn’t have to worry about modesty while cleaning. On the way up the hill to the dorms, genius decides to start flashing the guys by flipping my skirt up, freaking their robotic minds out. Only to find I had perfectly modest shorts on underneath. I did this like every week for quite a while. Can’t believe I never got confronted for that. Maybe in 98 everyone was a little more chilled out. But get this: I got confronted for wearing a cross body bag across my body-because it showed my well endowed chest off too much and THAT could make someone stumble. LOL-that story is for YOU JAMIE! 🙂November 10, 2010 7:44 PM
Anonymous said…
It is stories like this kind of abuse that makes my blood boil! I can’t stand it when women are coerced to “shut up and be hot” for the sake of their husbands. Such abuse is prevelant in Muslim culture, Mormons, Amish, Petecostals Holiness, Southern Baptist, etc. (I know there are exceptions to the forementioned, but I’m speaking about general cultural practices)
So, what does scripture say about women’s beauty?
1 Peter 3:2-5 (English Standard Version)
“2 when they see yourrespectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,”
It’s not like you were trying to make yourself look like a man, or disfigure the shape of your body or something. Nice looking comfortable shoes are important.
I feel I can strongly relate to you Jamie. I am a man of God that doesn’t fit into the clichéd stereotypes of what a man is suppose to be. I don’t really like watching sports, or even participating unless it’s something like roller-blading or volleyball. I am very sensitive and am able to pick up on other’s feelings really easily. I love sunsets, nature, tea, reading and writing, painting, and cinema that can move me to tears or laughs.
Most of my life growing up I’ve struggled with who I thought I was. I always loved women and have never been attracted to men at any point, but because I was sensitive and cried “when I wasn’t suppose to” my dad and brother thought I was hiding homosexuality and would tease and even insult me. Even a fair amount of my guy friends, up until recently, have thought me to be too sensitive. It got to the point that I wasn’t sure if maybe I was hiding something. Thankfully, the Lord has shown me that He has made me sensitive and compassionate for a reason.
Since this was usually the case growing up I always connected better with girls. I could talk on the phone or watch a dramatic movie or whatever (except for shopping, since I’m a penny-pincher) and pretty much be “one of the girls”. Now that I’m a bit older I’m finding more guys who are starting to understand that they need to be sensitive about the right things and have compassion, instead of just harsh jokes and criticism. I believe it has to do with becoming a family man and all the tasks that entails.
I hope you have found the healing you need Jamie, and I thank you for being brave and willing to share your story. God Bless you!November 10, 2010 9:40 PM
moriah said…
Wow.
What a great discussion this sparked.
Thanks for sharing your story Jamie, and be on the lookout for the party invitations!
Although that idea is mainly a fantasy, I think I could make it happen next April on a weekend in central Virginia. Richmond is the best airport to fly into and it would. be. a. blast.
e-mail me at moriah.harris@gmail.com if you are really interested.November 10, 2010 11:56 PM
Mifune said…
This is why its a bad idea to have people who don’t know what they’re talking about recommend/not recommend people for things.
Had someone with significant experience with MT been there, they would’ve probably seen the Chuck Taylors and thought “Cool shoes. This gal is probably going to be a great fit for the ministry team.”
There’s not a lot of room for girly-girl antics when you’re coiling cable, unloading truss, swearing under your breath at a video rack, and living on a bus. 😀
———–
That said, I’d just like to leave all the ladies here with a very special message…
Take it away, Bret and Jemaine. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFjrbmj0CUcNovember 11, 2010 2:50 AM
layne said…
Also, who says all women have to get married. Be yourself for yourself, not for a future spouse.November 11, 2010 8:50 AM
Lisa98 said…
Here, here, Layne!November 11, 2010 9:05 AM
LizBRÂ said…
Layne — AGREED.November 11, 2010 9:23 AM
dan said…
Layne smart. She say smart things.November 11, 2010 1:11 PM
Candor said…
Jamie,
She thought twice about recommending you because of your SHOES?! Mind is officially blown.
This is spot on:
“We were ultimately to be the play-things of our husbands–the highest honor for a woman is to be the servant of a “godly” man. These same godly men were coincidentally being taught that if they loved God and stopped looking at porn, God would reward them with nothing less than a Barbie-doll wife who apparently has no interests, desires, opinions, or sexual needs of her own outside that of her husband.”
You have no idea how many guys I knew there who really believed that. Unreal.November 11, 2010 3:07 PM
Anonymous said…
I’m still mad about the steak thing. Women cannot have steak. Only men can have steak. Total bullshit. Is this a Christian ministry or a camp set up by that guy who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart?November 11, 2010 3:34 PM
littlegraygirl said…
Anon at 3:34:
ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
–thanks everyone, for the kind and affirming words. I like you guys a lot. 🙂November 11, 2010 4:06 PM
Anonymous said…
I would love to see the list of feminine rules handed out-they didn’t do that in my year. Does anyone have it or can post some of the rules with exact verbage?November 11, 2010 9:26 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
Yes, there is a link in the first paragraph of this post.November 11, 2010 9:27 PM
joyG said…
“…The femininity of the women on campus was insulted again and again by HA leadership with teaching that encouraged vanity and bordered on misogyny. We were ultimately to be the play-things of our husbands–the highest honor for a woman is to be the servant of a “godly” man. These same godly men were coincidentally being taught that if they loved God and stopped looking at porn, God would reward them with nothing less than a Barbie-doll wife who apparently has no interests, desires, opinions, or sexual needs of her own outside that of her husband.”
Oh my gosh!!!! Hold me down!!!!
Anyone reading this post who still thinks you have to be ANYTHING like this description–run for the hills! Take that mind-trash and incinerate it.
Femininity is as diverse as God is creative. I’ve struggled for years feeling like I wasn’t a “good woman” because I don’t like child-care, in many ways think like a “man,” and value making a lasting impact over walking down the aisle. Damn these stupid rules! SO many churches teach stifling expectations for “spiritual” womanhood. Listen to God and his voice through your natural gifts and interests, as opposed to a religious list of surface qualities.
Hooray for husband of RA, Dan, and all the rest who see clearly through love instead of selfishness.
Anon 12- Not remembering what we like anymore is a natural response to exhaustion, depression, and overwhelming demands. For six years, I totally lost passion and motivation for anything beyond wake, work, sleep. Legalism kills your heart, including all those wonderful things that bring joy to us. Here’s the good news– after I gave myself a LONG time to simply “be,” my dreams and interests started to re-emerge. You’ve been in a very long winter. It takes a while for the ground to thaw before new life can come out. Just give yourself time, with no expectations. Life awaits!
To Anon 9:40pm– Let me affirm that you are great for who you are! I love guys who aren’t the “typical” can-crushing, emotionless hunks of machoism. In fact, that’s a turn-off! Yay for someone who has a gentle heart and can perceive the intricacies of other’s feelings.
We’re made male & female in His “image,” and I don’t think you can narrow down the complexity of God into two simple lists of okay attributes.
Just my two cents.November 12, 2010 11:52 AM
Fitz said…
Oh goodness, the Honor Academy and sexism. I was confronted _so often_ for not ‘accepting my God given femininity’ and trying to ‘demean the role of men’ with my behavior and personality. As a genderqueer, the Honor Academy wreaked havoc on my sense of gender identity. They are ridiculous and misogynistic, there’s nothing borderline about it. Their entire gender culture says to ‘ignore who you are because our idea of who you should be is the GOD GIVEN TRUTH and if you don’t fit it’s because you’re RESISTING TRUTH and attempting to sabotage the PERFECT GENDER PLAN OF GOD.’November 14, 2010 7:05 PM