Friday, August 15, 2008 – I was on a plane to Dallas, Texas. My plane was late during my connection. My mom decided to meet me in Dallas from Jacksonville. She rented a car so that way I could get bedding and storage bins and all that. We got on the road right away – I was going to be late because of the delays. We stopped for quick lunch at subway and then after lots of country roads and driving around the middle of nowhere, we arrived at Teen Mania ministries.
I registered and did all the business-y things while my mom brought my stuff back to my room. Once we got me all unpacked and settled, we ate dinner. We really were late because there were practically no interns in the dining room. I ate my chicken and broccoli quietly unsure of what to expect. After that we went to the worship service and my Mom at some point went to Target to get some more things that I needed. The worship was overwhelming and when Ron Luce and Dave Hasz came out the crowd cheered like they were celebrities…that freaked me out. I left worship early and said good-bye to my Mom. She told me that she was leaving me with full confidence that it was a good place. I wasn’t so sure yet.
Around ten o’clock I was getting ready for bed. There were still lots of people in my room talking to my roommates. One girl that was in the room was talking and even though I was tired I was listening. “They divided us into two different groups, one believers, the other non-believers. I was in the group of non believers. It was weird because at some point we actually forgot that we were believers.” She also said something about doing a rain dance. I sat up and looked at her in shock. I immediately thought of what my friend had been telling me for the past six months. He was convinced that the HA was a cult after I told him about the vision weekend, where you fasted from food, drinks, and having any sort of communication with anyone. I fell asleep that night, thinking about what he said and what the girl said, worried that my friend was right.
August 16th-August 19th, 2008 – (this is the part where all my memories run together. Probably due to the late nights and early mornings) Before I knew it, it was 5:00a.m. and time for corporate exercise. I had been training for it as much as I could, but I was definitely not prepared for the running. We jumped right into running a few miles. After we were done and it was time for breakfast, I staggered up the hill and made some oatmeal and had a granny smith apple. It turned out that that would be one of my favorite parts of the internship.
The first day we spent going over the core values and the rules and stuff. It was a lot of Dave Hasz talking. And I remember every time I got out of a session I left with extreme guilt. I think it’s good to feel guilt after a sermon or teaching but there was a lack of grace. There was no talk about God’s grace even though we are all sinners. Another thing that struck me as weird was that one of the rules was that you could not represent teen mania in a negative light. Yes, talking bad about an organization you belong to is probably not a good idea. But I wondered why they would even have that rule if there wasn’t something wrong.
There were a lot of rumors about ESOAL. I remembered seeing the video on the website before and was majorly creeped out by the disturbing images but I was relieved that the event was optional. However, when I heard two second year interns rambling about how many people were going to break their legs at ESOAL, I was alarmed. This was a Christian Internship, so why would Teen Mania put their interns in a position where they could be harmed physically? Why would they even want to risk that? It was supposed to be a safe place for us. So far I didn’t feel safe at all.
During worship I just couldn’t get into it. People were raising their hands and jumping around. I was totally used to that but something about it felt off and wrong. The singers and the band were awesome but I just felt like I was an alien on a strange new planet. So I just stood in the back waiting for it to be over.
My absolute favorite time was when we were to have quiet times with God. It was mid-morning. During the time I would take my notebook and Bible and just flip through it. I found Joshua 1:9, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and be courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” I clung to that verse and was reminded that even though I wasn’t sure about the place I chose to spend the next year of my life and was extremely weirded out by a lot of things, God was with me.
I had been talking to my best friend and her mom about the Honor Academy, telling them about the things that I found odd and not right. They ended up doing research for me. I don’t remember exactly when I started to doubt that I should be there but decided that I would stay for at least the two months that my Dad had already paid for. I shared similar concerns with one of the girls, Laura, from my gauntlet core. She didn’t think that it was the right place for her either and was planning on going back to Dallas. One of the girls from our core had left after only one day. After Laura, talked to Dina, our core advisor, she was convinced to stay. I tried to go along with her, pinning my doubts to homesickness and the shock of being in a place that I’d never been before and in an entirely new experience. After Laura talked to Dina, Dina gathered us all together and told us that if anyone had doubts about whether or not they should be there, they should tell her now. I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t wanting anyone to know that I was having doubts just yet because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do yet.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008- This was such a long day. My calves were hurting from being pushed too hard in corporate.(One of them was probably strained or something because it took two or three months before it stopped hurting.) I was tired. I was so tired. That morning we had interviews so that they could decide where we would be for our ministry placement. I told them about my involvement in Campus Life and they dismissed the ministry, as if their ministry was the only important one.
We wrote letters to ourselves, about what we expected from the year and stuff. I’m betting mine was different than a lot of peoples. I rambled for awhile and then in my last paragraph I wrote “I hope that you’ve stayed true to yourself and your personal beliefs. I hope you know that your value has nothing to do with your outside appearance or whether or not you wear makeup.” I have never been one of those girls that needed make up to define them and it seemed like every girl I met wore make up and was ten times more fashionable then I was. And that was fine. They could do what they wanted but I didn’t want to do that just so I would fit in. I was happy with how God made me.
We watched some movie with Mark Ruffalo. He was in prison. I didn’t really follow it. I was so tired and the lights being out just made me want to sleep. I didn’t really understand what they wanted us to get out of the movie. The only thing I found relatable was the fact that Mark was in prison and I felt like I was prison. I hadn’t seen the outside world in five days and felt extremely trapped.
I had another interview after lunch and came back to the main building into the middle of a seminar. Dave Hasz was talking about appearance and as I sat down he started addressing the women. He told the women that wearing make up was mandatory. I felt that same feeling of shock that I felt when I found out the Honor Academy North was shutting down. I sat next to one of the girls in my core about it. I was like, “Did he just say what I thought he said?”
She showed me her notes and I was shocked. I was just telling myself not to conform and not to go against what I believed and here was the leader of the group, telling me that I had to do something I didn’t believe in. I was shaking and I couldn’t get out of that room fast enough. I called my best friend, Adair and started bawling. I knew that I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t stay there for two more months. I didn’t belong there. It was so obvious. I didn’t even care that I was crying out on that bench in broad daylight. I just lost it. Adair’s mom got on the phone and told me that she had a dream that I had gone to her house with a black car proudly telling them that I was leasing it. She asked me why I would spend my money to rent a car when I could spend the same amount and own it. We both kind of knew what the dream meant. Why would I spend all that money to devote a year to God and find my purpose in life, when I could very well do the same thing at home.
She encouraged me to pray and spend some time with God and ask him to give me a clear answer. I sat alone at dinner with my little pink bible. I thought a lot and when I finally prayed and asked God to give me a verse I turned right to Galatians 1:6-7 6, “I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ.” I read and re-read the verses. Below that in Galatians 1: 10, “For am I now seeking the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of God.”
I got back on the phone with Adair and told her the verses. She read to me the section in our Anchors Away book, the section: What is A Cult? (Anchors Away was a college level course we took that spring to prepare us for college/our first year out of high school. Coincidently, I left my book at home because I didn’t think that I would need it.) Galatians 1:6-7 was listed.
I was shocked at how closely those verses applied to what was going on in my life at that moment. And in that moment, I knew I needed to leave. I had never been so sure of anything in my entire life.
My mom and dad wanted me to wait it out and stay there for the two months (that we already paid for)…..
10 comments:
That redheaded onesays:December 6, 2011 7:42 AMReply
Sometimes you know when something isn’t safe. I remember when reading this my own misgivings about the HA when I showed up and I think it speaks to your strength that you really listened to yourself and took pro-active steps I am curious to see how things happened from there but know that you are very strong to have started realizing so quickly something was wrong.
S.Z.B.says:December 6, 2011 8:49 AMReply
This is kinda random but I really enjoy your writing style Noelle.
Committed Christiansays:December 6, 2011 2:12 PMReply
It is good to hear how God was convicting you about Teen Mania. How merciful He is.
Ericsays:December 6, 2011 2:15 PMReply
This is great. Three cheers for Galatians! If only more interns would have the clarity of mind to listen to God’s voice….
Abbysays:December 6, 2011 3:46 PMReply
I remember having those feelings early on. I wish I would have listened to the warning bells in my head the way you did.
Noellesays:December 6, 2011 11:11 PMReply
Thanks guys,
I just pray that new interns are able to listen to the warning bells. I know people get an off vibe. I saw so many that did but stayed.
Noelle.
Anonymoussays:December 8, 2011 10:23 PMReply
I am so sorry Noelle!
I went on a trip one time and it was the same, except that my experience was 3 years later!
You did nothing wrong. You discerned correctly.
Love like Jesus and love with grace and without judgement. Honor Academy doesn’t do that.
🙂
Anonymoussays:December 30, 2011 11:47 PMReply
Just to clear the air… I was there that year, and spent a few years there…
1. There has never been an opening corporate where we ran more than a mile. most of the time it was about a half mile and did not exceed one mile for a while.
2. Do you now know what UPG is and understand that all you heard in your room was likely a January intern talking about it?
3. Dave Hasz never demanded women wear makup. He makes a suggestion, but not a demand. And the suggestion is the same for men as it is for women… make yourself presentable. That does not mean make yourself a movie star. People in general need to take care of themselves.
Not to be entirely contradictory, I am reading the story and trying to learn from it and compare my own expeirences to it. I too was at one point interested in the north campus so I can relate.
Shannon Kishsays:December 31, 2011 12:24 AMReply
Anon,
Dave Hasz strongly suggests and most certainly requires women to wear makeup. I was present when he stated it, and even remember a fellow intern questioning him during the lecture.
wanderersays:January 31, 2012 10:16 AMReply
Anon….
Just another note… your point #3 sounds like you’re defending Dave Hasz, saying that he’s only “suggesting”, not “demanding”. I find it incredibly alarming to hear that in your opinion his making a “suggestion” about women wearing makeup, from the podium, during a lecture to the class, is okay. Do you hear yourself?
I’m trying to find how Jesus is represented in the tiniest bit by the way Hasz talks about outward appearance. It’s just plain wrong. Nothing like our beautiful savior at ALL.
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