Kate’s Story – Recovering Alumni

(Moderator’s Note: This story briefly mentions rape.)

I was an intern at Teen Mania’s Honor Academy over ten years ago. To this day, I know I have blocked out many of the situations that occurred there. I loved and hated that year and still do. I find it so sad that for each beautiful memory I have, it is tainted with one of pure pain.

While being an intern, I confessed to a woman in leadership that I had been nearly raped when I was 17. I was told that my impure thoughts had made it happen. I also confessed that I had masturbated on and off through my high school years and this woman in leadership told me that because of my doing that to my own body, that I had caused this man twice my age to attempt to rape me. She told me that I might always be sexually scarred and never be able to have a healthy relationship with a man unless I continually asked God to forgive me for touching myself and for making a grown man touch me.

I had not thought of this moment for so many years, but as I remembered it, I felt myself going back to that place as if it were yesterday. The yearning for acceptance, for someone to hear me and understand and for them to help me. It didn’t go exactly as I’d hoped it would. Looking back, I cannot believe I believed her, but I did. I am thankful though, that I don’t believe her anymore.

30 comments:

Eric says:January 17, 2012 at 7:49 AM Reply

She told you WHAATT?!?!?!

I’m sure I have about two dozen ways to destroy that but at the moment I’m too busy banging my head on the keyboard. @#$@$ *(#@$&(* #@(*#@()$@* #@%(*#@%&*(#@% #@*(@!#)(

julie says:January 17, 2012 at 8:30 AM Reply

This is a typical example of someone speaking about a topic they know nothing about!!!!! Seriously, if you have never been sexually abused or assaulted and you are talking to someone who has 1. LISTEN 2. Be sympathetic and supportive 3. Shut the heck up, because whatever else would come out of your mouth will be idiotic/unkind. Kate, you seem to be coming from a good place mentally, so I’m sure you know this but let me reiterate: What happened to you was NOT your fault in any way. You are a victim. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m so sorry that when you sought help from a leader, you were blamed. You are as innocent as the victim of any other crime. What this leader told you was a total load of crap. And I really hope that you did not lose the ability to be vulnerable with others over this! Thank you so much for trusting us with your story!

Shannon Kish says:January 17, 2012 at 9:22 AM Reply

TM sure does like to blame the victims for everything. It was our fault that we had a bad experience at the ha. It is your fault if you are raped. Ugh, this sickens me, literally.

That redheaded one says:January 17, 2012 at 10:13 AM Reply

Wow that’s really out there. I am never shocked by what people say there anymore but wow…

Carrie Dickson says:January 17, 2012 at 11:52 AM Reply

Kate,

This actually sickens me. I’m so sorry. None of that was ever your fault. There was a huge emphasis placed on masturbation when I was there 13 years ago. There was so much shame and horrible teaching on it that I’m (sadly)not surprised that their train of thought arrived at that conclusion. I hope you are freed by sharing this with us.

Love.

Kate says:January 17, 2012 at 12:09 PM Reply

thank you, each of you. I feel better. Really. a weight has been liften from my shoulders. I kept this in for so many years, hadn’t thought about it, but I did remember it and I did think about it and I am so thankful to know that I am supported.

Jaki says:January 17, 2012 at 12:39 PM Reply

Kate. I am so thankful you shared this story for so many reasons.
It takes boldness to speak up about such a sensitive subject and I’m mostly with Eric.

I remember confessing to horrific ‘sexual sin’ at the H.A. (masturbating… once I think. I was too scared that God would hate me. I never did it.) my R.D. told me that she would see if I needed to go before the honor council or not. They might put me on a growth plan. I left confused because I didn’t know if it was wrong or not and she couldn’t tell me why.
(the best I can come up with for why it would be wrong is if you’re looking at porn and denying your spouse or something. Masturbating in itself doesn’t seem to be too harmful but it’s what tends to fill people’s heads while they’re doing it that is. imo)
hahaha. It feels good to laugh at their asinine thinking now.

Kate- that’s bulshit. (It sounds like you’ve figured this out…)
because of what you did you caused some spiritual attack to happen? where do people come up with this stuff? It’s got the head banging against wall effect because you cannot reason with people who say that spiritual stuff is just happening to us and even though we have no idea, that one time you didn’t help the old lady cross the street is the reason you got hit by a buss 10 years later.
how do you carry on a logical conversation with a person like that?

Anonymous says:January 17, 2012 at 1:35 PM Reply

Kate,

I was raped as a teenager. I am so sorry someone attempted to do that. Even if I had been running down the street in a skimpy outfit (which I was not), that never gives someone permission to attempt rape. It is something inside the sick person that made that happen. Not you.

I went to therapy for a long time to heal from the attack. My therapist often said that people’s reaction to hearing I was raped can be just as damaging as the rape itself. It makes sense that you were deeply hurt. If you have not been to a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, I would recommend it. My therapist helped me so much – especially dealing with what people said.

Again, I am so sorry that someone said that to you.

Kate says:January 17, 2012 at 2:13 PM Reply

What happened to me at TM was a long time ago. I didn’t think about it for so long and yet it shaped so much of my adult life. Strange. I’m glad I was open about it, but thankfully, I am living a fun and happy life now and truly am grateful for everything Teen Mania gave me, because in the end, I got so much more goodness than not. I know feeling that way doesn’t sound normal, but for years I did not realize that my year at TM had such a profound effect on me. It has taken a few years of hard core pushing and thinking and dealing with the good, the bad and the ugly. I don’t believe in mistakes, only lessons. I made amazing friendships while I was an intern, I loved my job and even found love and acceptance through the leadership. It wasn’t all bad, I just wish that the ministry had stayed the way it was 15 (plus) years ago. It was a small group of people actually trying to change the world. I was an intern in ’99 and I really think that year must have a turning point. There are so many of us from that year that felt that change. From being a ministry to being a cult. For me, that is the truth. There’s nothing wrong with loving Jesus, with helping people, with building a ministry devoted to the youth of this nation and the welfare for others all over the world. It’s when that ministry starts getting lazy, sloppy, power hungry. It wasn’t always that way at TM. But things changed and I was there, at the beginning of that change. I think things had already made a shift in the few years of internship before mine, but I know afterwards and to this day, there are things happening there that should not ever happen, to anyone, anywhere. It actually exhausts me to write about it, think about it. In the end though, I’m just thankful that I’ve made it to the other side, a better and stronger person. And I am so thankful for the support I see here. Thank you!

Nicole says:January 17, 2012 at 3:13 PM Reply

Jesus, Kate..I can’t even believe this.

I am soooo thankful you have overcome, taken away your lessons and are the stronger for it. I’ve loved getting back in touch with you (though we barely hung out or remember each other from the HA). It gives me hope for the ones still being abused….in the power of the human spirit.

S says:January 17, 2012 at 4:10 PM Reply

DH, RL, or HS, if any of you guys are reading this I would honestly love to hear how the leaderships defends this kind of lunacy.

wanderer says:January 17, 2012 at 5:29 PM Reply

Kate,
You’re brave for sharing. Thank you. The person who told you that should be completely ashamed of themselves. You’re a beautiful soul….
PS as a person who was around pre-GV I agree with you that a shift took place. Something seems to have gone from chronic dysfunction/mistreatment/disrespect to hyper-abuse as norm.

Anonymous says:January 17, 2012 at 6:19 PM Reply

I was an intern back in 2003. I had an amazing expierence while there but there were alot of things that I was told that I couldn’t believe leadership would say to me. Sometimes people will try to counsel and give advice on things they should not. I’m glad you have chosen to longer believe her because it was nothing you did caused the bad thing that happen to you. One thing I do in my own life is take what people say with a grain of salt. I take it and see if it’s something I can apply to me and if not, I just brush it off

Annie says:January 17, 2012 at 9:12 PM Reply

WHAT?!?!?! She said WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!??!?! Ignorance, bullshit ….. UGH!!!!!!!!! Makes me want to smash her head in! Good God ….. making the innocent responsible for the sins of the guilty ……… heinous, heinous crime. I am glad in these instances that I am not God, ’cause I swear, I’d smite them. (And then where would we be? A whole lot of dead people and no one learning and living.) I’m SO SO SO SO SO SO very sorry your soul has had to bear this burden. SO sorry. I am glad you are releasing it. What a God-awful filthy fucking weight.

And to the charges of masturbation, I’ll just say this to the universe: GO RIGHT AHEAD!!!!! Masturbate, God-damn it!!! (sorry–I am a Christian who adores God and swears like a sailor) There is virtually NO Scriptural, emotional, scientific, or mental evidence to support masturbation being at all a thing to be despised, controlled, and demonized. It’s your own body. It’s your own mind. The sexual brain is by far the most complex part of yourself and closing it off is like starving yourself of oxygen. Ask me how I know. ALL HANDS IN THE AIR. I grew up guilty and ashamed because I believed I was sexually impure because I masturbated from the time I was four. Yes, four. I realized one day how detrimental guilt is. How increedibly debilitating. And whatever masturbation may or may not be, guilt was CERRTAINLY off his “okay” list. That thought and that day set me free and I’ve never looked back. There is much to myself I don’t understand, but I’ve ceased to hate myself for what I do. AND I’ve learned SO much about myself in the process. So much that I think it’s a CRIME to make a child feel guilty and shamed about their sexuality. Be free. Love your body. Love your mind. Love your moments. Hold them gently in your hands because they are YOURS. Be you, whoever that is. Make no apologies and feel no shame. Live free. All is well. Muah.

(I have this thing for soap boxes … I hope you don’t mind.)

Kristen says:January 17, 2012 at 10:07 PM Reply

Kate….. I can relate immensely to both your story & the response from HA. Ive had a very similar experience know that you’re not alone in this at all. It wasn’t, isn’t, & will never, ever be your fault.

Shannon Kish says:January 17, 2012 at 10:12 PM Reply

Annie, You are my new favorite person!

a. l. f.says:January 17, 2012 at 10:26 PM Reply

that really sickens me that anyone would ever say that. how stone-aged of her. My sister was raped when i was 13. My mother sat down to talk to us about it, and about safety so it doesn’t happen to us, and one of the first things she told us is that even if our sister was sitting naked beside him, he still had no right to do that to her. I have never once questioned that and people who say otherwise should be flogged

Kate says:January 18, 2012 at 2:10 AM Reply

Annie, you are a side of my coin I didn’t even know I had (until the past week, that is). You understand my soul, because yours is so similar. I love you, girl. I really do. You bring me healing. I realize it’s because you’ve been in my shoes, or I’ve been in yours and we are a certain type of person that had to go through certain lessons, certain ways. I, too, was sexually precocious from a very young age. I remember a few instances which are still clear (in technicolor, no less) images and memories in my mind…being very little, maybe 3 or 4 and already realizing in order to touch myself, I had to hide. I remember getting spanked for it in preschool. I was sitting at a table, bored. Yes, bored. That’s the part I remember the most…feeling bored and having nothing else to do but rub on my panties. It sounds naughty, doesn’t it? I was THREE! There’s nothing wrong with that. A child, a small, young, innocent child being taught, in church, christian school…at home, even…that feeling pleasure is somehow sin. I can roll my eyes now and thank heaven that my son will not be smothered like that. He won’t have something about him that is normal and usual and human taken away from him just because I say so. It’s amazing how much power our words say. I once, over ten years ago, had a ten minute conversation with a woman in leadersip at a ministry I worked at and look at all the feather’s it’s ruffled.

Ok, the soapbox is all yours, if anybody wants it…

ShadowVoice says:January 18, 2012 at 2:50 AM Reply

All I have to say is, “Ugh!”

Annie says:January 18, 2012 at 2:54 AM Reply

<3 <3 <3 I’m glad I have something to give you!! (And thanks, Shannon! Look me up on Facebook. 😉 Annie McIver) SPANKED for touching yourself. Holy hell. I just grew up in a sexually stifled environment. I can’t even remember any specific pinpoints of “don’t do that” or “masturbation is a sin.” In high school, maybe. Teen Mania also. But I think I already had a complex about my own sexuality before that. Or perhaps that hiding was always a part of my life because …. my mom would “humph” and roll her eyes and make disgusted sounding noises at any kissing scene on any movie. Channels got changed if it was too “involved.” There was the constant subliminal message that there were some things that were off limits and not discussable. Anything even remotely related to sex was right in the middle of that box. So I simply grew up hiding. I suppose it was probably around middle school or high school that I started getting the first messages about the shamefulness of masturbation … but I don’t recall a “shameful” moment. A moment where an “it’s just me” feeling got flipped to an “I’m sinning” feeling. Nothing was enough to make me stop though … thank God. Though I did try to for a long time and felt so much guilt and shame that I couldn’t. My (thankfully now ex) husband told me that if I masturbated I was cheating on him. !!!!!!! Thankfully I knew enough to know he was COMPLETELY off his rocker on that accusation, but of course the emotional manipulation of that thought was tough to wade through. Now … I feel completely free to be “me,” whoever that is. There is really a great deal that I still don’t understand about myself and my sexual brain, but since I stopped feeling guilty and shamed it’s like the lights were turned on. I can’t describe the whole room yet, ’cause we’re still getting acquainted, but I can actually SEE some things. I know myself better now than I have. I know God better. It’s amazing how much I’ve learned (or started) to learn about life, love, and God from the most unlikely sources. 😉 If you catch my drift. Porn, whether visual or literary. Freedom is a beautiful thing. When you only see something as dark, you limit the light. Turn on the lights and the dark retreats to the shadows, and details and colors begin to appear. Quite the opposite of what I was taught on a LOT of things growing up in a conservative Christian environment. Light is good. Sight is good. Open eyes are good. It is quite difficult to walk down any road at all if your eyes are closed.

So … anyway, my dear. I’m glad it helped you! And I’m so glad we’ve connected! <3

PS: I am PROUD of you for having the guts to share the things you have. I share my story in bits and pieces in little pockets … I have not yet felt the urge (or bravery) to share at large. I guess few people know what I’ve shared with you as a matter of fact. Huh. Yeah, only a couple of people. So thanks for listening and receiving as well. 🙂 I’m glad we are both helped.

Annie says:January 18, 2012 at 3:11 AM Reply

HA! I just discovered I’m sharing this with a whole lot of ex interns. Oh, the irony.

wanderer says:January 18, 2012 at 8:20 AM Reply

Annie…
You are very cool. I love it when people love God & swear like sailors. There are far too few of us 😉

Anonymous says:January 18, 2012 at 9:57 AM Reply

Masturbation is fun.

Anonymous says:January 18, 2012 at 9:58 AM Reply

I bet Ron Luce Masturbates.

Josh Kiracofe Ex-intern 00-01 says:January 18, 2012 at 10:29 AM Reply

Annie, we don’t mind you cuss like a sailor…I do too sometimes!!

Shiloh says:January 18, 2012 at 12:20 PM Reply

New T-Shirt
“www.recoveringalumni.com turned me into a God loving cusser.”
on the back.
“If you don’t respect me and love me F*** off.”