Man, episode 2 is a brutal one! So many triggers and back to back. I wish the editing team were a little nicer to us survivors! But if there’s one thing I’ve learned about triggers, they can be absolutely random. One of the first times I got triggered was while I was watching Avatar the Last Airbender when Aang and Fire Lord Ozai did their big epic battle. For some reason, it took me back to the Grid in ESOAL.
It was something about the stone columns that hit me…
If you’re a weirdo like me and you like jumping into the end of a series without seeing the first parts, here’s how this post works. I have included a time stamp then jotted some thoughts in response to what was discussed or shown on screen. Then I returned to this draft after some sleep to fine-tune these reactions into an actually coherent thought. I anticipate that some of these thoughts might need more commentary added so Iโll italicize the text to make these commentaries apparent. My goal is to try to keep my additional commentary to a minimum but there are some topics in this documentary that warrant more thought. I do believe that I’ve missed quite a bit in this episode since I watched all 3 episodes back to back. I’ve since seen comments about something someone said or something they showed and I have no idea what they’re talking about. When I decide to touch the documentary again, I think I’m going to watch this one separately, but that won’t be for a while. These posts have been painful to write.
Full disclosure, I watched all three episodes the evening it came out then rewatched it again the following weekend. Here are my thoughts and reactions in the second viewing. Lastly, I added context clues to each timestamp after the fact.
The episode starts with a video of Ray Boltz’s coming out.
@01:06 I don’t remember this part of Ray’s story. I commend his bravery in coming out so early. I too struggled with my queer identity as a Christian. I played it straight until my mid 20s when I started trying to reconcile Christianity with homosexuality. Eventually I would come out as non-binary. At least gay marriage got legalized while I was figuring these things out!
@02:30 Oh man, Battlecry… This is my era. Back then, I was feeling like there was a big culture war. I never went because they cancelled it in my city the one year I would be able to go. I think because of low ticket sales or something so it turned back into an ATF. But I ate up every BattleCry adjacent material. I loved BattleCry by Pillar and felt like it was our rally!
@05:00 This talk about getting into politics is scary. Now that the documentary has been out for several days, I understand that these connections to today’s political climate seems to be a divisive issue. Maybe things are embellished but probably not. People were saying Project 2025 wasn’t real buuuuut…. I digress. One thing that I have been coming to grips with is the fact that I used to be a Christian Nationalist.
This is probably worth its own post but I had already unpacked most of my beliefs around Christian nationalism while at TM. I had processed already that I very much wanted us to put Christ into our politics, much like what we are seeing in Oklahoma and Texas. I was in high school when people were calling for “teaching the controversy,” teaching both evolution and creationism in science class. I recognized that I probably would have been part of QAnon (soooo much overlap between TM plus the beliefs within the fringe Christian groups I was in and QAnon. I probably would have stormed the Capitol January 6th.
I’ve unpacked quite a bit of my beliefs around Christian nationalism but I never called myself a Christian nationalist specifically. To use this term to describe myself, albeit a past version of myself, is scary as heck!
@06:55 Oh man, the BattleCry for a Generation program and its website. I WAS OBSESSED WITH THIS SITE!
@07:30 (The documentary is explaining how BattleCry is ATF on steroids while showing clips from it.) These are literally red flags!!!! 
@07:35 (Journalist Jeff Sharlet is talking about how TM shifted from using battles and armies as metaphors more casually to the much more extreme BattleCry movement. It went from Christians saying that they want a piece of the pie [freedom to be Christian] to demanding the whole pie “We’re taking America back.” He describes this as fascism on a massive scale.) I never felt like BattleCry was fascist, but now being on the outside, this looks suspicious as heck. This is where I learned about culture wars because we (TM) were going to wage war on the MTV culture. Twenty years later and the culture war has changed, but the tactics have not. No wonder QAnon got so prevalent and active.
@9:45 (the quote in its entirety: “We’ve got virgin teenage America being raped on the sidewalk, and Americans just walk by and look at it.”) We got what, Ron? This reeks of schools and litter boxes! Returning to this reaction, I now recognize that Ron was speaking metaphor. For a moment, I thought he meant that literally bystanders are casually strolling by only to gawk at a poor victim getting raped and thought he was engaging in some hyperbole like today’s litter box freakout we read about online.
Speaking of litter boxes… I can attest as a teacher with many trans students, we have never discussed the need to put litter boxes anywhere in the school except for one classroom in particular and they have a literal kitten. I will tell you though, we had a serious and long discussion about getting buckets for all of the classrooms just in case we go into a level 2 lockdown that takes 5+ hours again. The kids have to use the bathroom eventually so what do we do when they cannot leave the classroom out of fear of getting attacked? I had 3 semesters in a row where we went into a level 2 lockdown, two of which were over guns. Could we focus on the real problems in our schools, please??
@12:00 (The documentary shows clips of Ron on the Bill O’Reilly Factor where Bill asks if Ron wants a theocracy. Then Zachary talks about how we were in a war or that we are an army, rising up with a battle cry. He goes on to explain how doing what we did at TM might make sense in a military setting where the need to follow orders while getting shot at could mean life or death.) We did get shot at, at least with paintballs. We had a whole activity we jokingly called Shoot The Intern. It was obvious, we talked about it tongue-in-cheek. Oh man, coming back to writing this post. I had to take several days of editing this post because editing the reaction to episode 2 hit me so hard. I had to take a mental health day the morning after posting my reaction to episode 1. One thing that played in my mind as I was crashing out was how often I got shot at with paintball guns. At least six times throughout my two years. I did more of the shooting my second year but I was still getting shot at. I get that people, myself included, did/do paintball as a hobby but this is different. Heck, some of the instances, we didn’t even wear face protection!
@13:45 (Fundraising so that we could pay for the privilege to work for TM and get abused.) Ah the classic egg cracking fundraiser! I remember that book as well. I only did the egg cracking once and that was to help one of my sister core members raise funds so she could stay.
@15:20 (The subject changes to getting dismissed or BV’d for not having enough money or for breaking the rules. Dani talks about how lonely and ostracized she felt when she was kicked out.) When I decided to leave, they told me that I wasn’t allowed to attend graduation. I was told that I had to be off campus by 8:00 AM before the ceremony. I think I left around 11 after saying goodbye to many friends, even poking my head in the graduation ceremony. What were they going to do? Fire me? The shunning is real. I often wonder how much of the shunning was because they kept us so busy to even try to stay connected, but I did cut contact with coworkers, friends, and family core because they weren’t “good enough” to make the cut.
@16:40 (Dani talks about the music video she started in and how degrading it was.) I remember watching this video. I don’t think that I saw it in its entirety but I did see a lot clips of it. (Dani is wonderful BTW!)
@18:10 (Mica talks about how they were depressed, despite doing what one is supposed to do: read the Bible, pray, fast, served God, etc. They ask, “Why am I so depressed? Why am I so suicidal? Why do I feel so much shame and condemnation all the time?) Mica, saaaaaaaaaammmmeeeee. For me, this was exactly how I felt in my GI year. This message of not being good enough was constantly communicated. I’m quite partial to “Get your act together.” That one was used against me a lot!
@18:55 (Mica says, “[the condemnation is] to the point that you’re in a prison, nobody else can see it, but the prison is inside your mind.” This wasn’t an initial reaction, but Imma react to it now.) I feel like that prison is still there for most of us. I thought I broke free but I feel like I’ve only repressed so much. Now that I’ve watched this series and revisited this chapter in my life, I recognize a lot of similarities between how I felt at Teen Mania and how I feel now in my current job. It’s not that my job is toxic and a cult. Instead, I am repeating the same thought patterns and reacting to the stress of a high-demanding job that puts me in a similar emotional state as to how I was at TM. I was constantly asking myself if I was good enough, if I measure up enough, if I can perform high enough. Do I belong here, will I get kicked out, will I not be asked to return again?
@20:05 (The alumni talk about what it was like to get out of the cult and reintegrate into society. The headspace that we’re in when we leave and trying to explain the most damaging parts of Teen Mania are really hard to explain to outsiders.) The trauma is so insidious. Our definition of normal was soooo off base and it’s hard to call it out because a good chunk of us grew up in church where a lot of these beliefs were espoused. Talk about how we’re in a war? A lot of us were singing about how we were in the Lord’s Army in Sunday School not knowing what we were singing. We were groomed at such an early age.
After I left, I felt listless and untethered. I’m so thankful that I had some high school friends still in town so I could rejoin my social circle. I can’t imagine I would have survived that first year if it were not for them. I felt like I was not good enough and that my time was being wasted. I was done. Numb. At the same time, I could not stop because I learned that I could not stop at TM. I had to move on with my 5-year plan so I got into college. Little did I know that I had a ticking time bomb buried deep because I was not addressing the harm TM caused.
@21:45 Honestly, I’m so happy to see these early days of the blog and learn about how things got started. I came in late and there were already 60 or 70 stories. It was great finding a community that talked about all of the crazy and dangerous things. It offered me resources to deconstruct and deprogram myself. I spent years trying to recapture the relationship I had with God before I joined the HA. I had a wonderful relationship but it was stifled down there for some reason and I never figured out why. I just never could quite get it back and that condemnation and shame would play in my head, making me feel worse about not being able to reconnect with God. But here is this blog that’s talking about how the teachings were harmful. And now, I’m getting so many emails and comments talking about how Ron wasn’t teaching the correct Jesus Christ but instead some bastardized version.
@24:50 (The documentary cuts to a conference call between TM leadership and alumni, including Mica. Dave Hasz states that some of the stories on this blog are true but some were not.) We were taught to confront each other, as iron sharpens iron, and whatnot. We had Matthew 18 shoved down our throats even in. So Mica follows this and it seemed too foreign of an idea that leadership messed up. We just wanted an apology and have some reconciliation. That was too big of an ask.
@33:40 Heh heh heh, remember when we had to do car washes because they realized they couldn’t afford the BattleCry events?
@34:50 (The rumor of TM going bankrupt getting confirmed by the foreclosure notice from the bank) Oooo the financial worries.
@36:25 (With the foreclosure and other money woes, events started getting cancelled and people were upset about not getting refunded.) Oh, you didn’t know you can’t get refunds??
@36:50 (Cindy breaks the news that she was a whistleblower about TM.) Oh wow, I don’t think I even know about this part. I didn’t realize that Cindy reached out to the media. I just saw that their rankings on finance integrity plummeted. Cindy joined TM around the same time I joined RA and she was a villain for a while. It’s great to hear her side and I’m glad that there has been reconciliation. I stopped being involved with the blog and RA around this time so this is a lot of new context for me.
@37:50 (Talking about how TM finally shuttered its doors and how it was never the blog’s goal to do as much.) I can attest as a long time commentor. It was never about shutting things down. We just wanted sincere apologies and repentance. I still do, but it doesn’t seem like Ron is willing to have that conversation, but he’s more than happy to defend himself and his actions.
@40:10 (With the cult shut down, Ron starts working outside the USA to continue this work. He’s shown on stage in Asia.) I love this MC! This guy’s energy is utterly fantastic and I hope he has a blessed life!
@41:40 (Jeff speculates on Ron’s anger and hurt and how it manifested in his spiritual beliefs, making it all of our problems. How Ron seems to think that to be Christian is to be angry. That we need to take our anger, fury, and even hate, which matters the most out of all these intense emotions) My roommate: That motherfucker [Ron] is a sith!
@42:00 Okay, perhaps you’ve been wondering about my takes on all of these political clips and discussions. We have a comment policy, so it makes sense to have a politics policy. This is a touchy subject in general, not to mention how much so these days. A reaction post and its comments are not the place for this. I feel like that’s reasonable and everyone can agree. But holy fuck there’s a lot here in this documentary! I was not expecting a lot of this. [We need a bigger boat]
@47:00 Fitbit is telling me that my heartrate is high. I didn’t even notice.
@47:30 (Zach talks about how much he needed to unpack after TM.) Oh my goodness me too, Zach. I had so much to unpack and process to just acknowledge that women, people of color and queer people are just regular people. But we got so into othering everyone (We’re the 4%!) and we missed out on watching our words and treating people with love and respect.
@49:50 (Mica talks about the little voice in the back of your mind.) For real, Mica! Listen to your guts! Trust yourself enough to at least take a moment to assess the situation. It could be nothing at all, it could be kinda bad but not life ending. But sometimes, it could be life ending and we should stop drop and roll sometimes.
@52….I was too busy typing the last one. What an ending!
That was a ride! My initial thoughts, as I have stated in other posts, is that I feel seen and validated. To see all of the crazy bullshit on screen and hear commentary calling it crazy was a huge, cathartic relief. Seeing the influx of views on this blog has been great because it makes all of the time and money bringing this blog back worthwhile. Most importantly, it’s great to see a huge influx of alumni seeking each other out and reconnecting with each other. Teen Mania tried to set up a big network of alumni called the Line and I feel like it never really took off. I’m hopeful that we can put this harmful experience and all of the things we learned into something actually useful.
Be on the lookout for more stories to post. I have been having all of the depression feels so it’s been a challenge for me to keep up with getting stuff posted. I appreciate the patience and grace. You are all wonderful and I hope you find some time to touch some grass and decompress. We all need it.
