Corey Wright hitting us with some great wisdom! Thanks for posting this video, Corey!
I’m just like the commentor Corey is responding to. I’ve mentioned it in recent posts but I felt like I was mostly good with a few deep things to process still. I even started addressing this with my therapist. Then the documentary came out and it brought up so many intense feelings. I have been depressed most days and now my generalized anxiety is spiking again. What’s even weirder is that this depression and anxiety feels familiar. These feel exactly how I felt before finding this blog and beginning my deconstruction. I have had bouts of depression over the years, even for a couple of months leading up to the documentary, but this depression just hits differently.
And it seems that regardless of what I do: sit and mope, work on this blog and get some posts done, take a mental health day and do some chores, etc., it doesn’t matter, I always feel depressed now. It makes sense to feel my feelings when I’m actively searching out videos from other alumni but on the days where I try to think about the cult as little as possible, I’m still just as depressed. My depression used to be chronic but for almost a decade it’s been more acute with whatever big stress life throws at me (mom with cancer, mom passing away, dealing with teenagers, home ownership). Now it seems like depression is sticking around for a while.
I reconnected with one of my sisters at TM. It was great talking on the phone with them for hours. However, after I got off the phone with them yesterday, I felt drained and defeated even though our discussion was mostly positive and warm. We just talked about heavy stuff like suicide and specific BS we went through as GIs. I woke up today feeling more rested and energized. I don’t feel as depressed today as I have been.
Corey talks in the video about how our brains store the trauma and pushes it deep down [into our subconscious/psyche] and that we might not even be aware of it until it leaks out. I feel like the docuseries and talking with my sister are giving the pain avenues to leak out. It reminds me of first aid. Sometimes you have to cut into a wound to clean it out. Sometimes you have to re-break the bone to get it to set right. Sometimes you have to grind down the tendon so your joint moves smoothly again. Physical therapy is always necessary to bounce back from a serious injury but physical therapy is never a linear process. You have good days and you have bad days. There are days when the therapy is painful and exhausting and you feel like utter crap afterwards. But the next day, or week or month even, you feel way better.
Give yourself grace. Regardless if you are new to deconstructing, or if you’ve been in the game for decades, or even if you feel like there’s nothing to deconstruct or figure out. We all need grace and we weren’t afforded enough at TM. And don’t forget to self-care!
