A friend recently sent me this excerpt from the book Captive Hearts, Captive Minds. I haven’t read the book, but this passage is outstanding. I hope this gives you the freedom to feel your feelings.
The emergence of anger is one of the first signs of recovery. Anger is a normal and healthy reaction to the hurt and assaults that you experienced. Anger is the most appropriate response to the abuse and manipulations of the cult. It is also the hardest emotion for some ex-members to get in touch with and deal with. If you feel angry, it means you are now ready to acknowledge that you were victimized, which can be incredibly painful. What was done was heinous–and you are entitled to your rage. Just as fear is the backbone of mind control, anger is the fuel of recovery. Anger is an extremely valuable tool in healing. It fortifies your sense of what is right by condemning the wrong that was done to you. It gives you the energy and will to get through the ordeal of getting your life back together. Suppression of anger while in the cult contributed to depression and a sense of helplessness. Now the reverse is possible. Anger can be a double-edged sword, however. It can motivate healing or be turned inward, against the self. Some people may find it easier to blame themselves than to use their anger to make necessary life changes. This can result in alcohol or drug use, physical illness, or emotional disorders including depression and suicidal thoughts and behaviors. Anger can also be directed at innocent others. If expressed inappropriately or unconsciously, anger can further a person’s isolation. To be used effectively, anger must be focused on its source–primarily the cult leader. Remember that your anger may be hard for family, friends, and sometimes even therapists to accept. You may be urged to forgive and forget. Ex-members who have been brought up to hide or deny negative feelings may not have the tools or experience to know how to express this potentially healing emotion….Even implicitly denying victims’ need to express moral outrage shifts blame from victimizers to victims.
3 comments:
Bravo Post!
Let the feelings emerge. Negative feelings towards the abuser are such an important part of regaining a sense of self and security. Controlling, manipulative people-especially those in a place of power- have a way of chipping at the core of ones self worth. Rebuilding that core is a long hard process, but acknowledging feelings of anger, sadness, and disappointment is one of the basic starting points for rebuilding. RA! I wish i could give you a hug right now! I really empathize with the hurt and anger you still feel. Thanks for continually posting despite the ups and downs of activity and controversy.
Moriah
August 24, 2010 9:13 AM
Anonymous said…
This is so true. I recently cut my parents off because of their spiritual abuse and their refusal to acknowledge the abuse that goes on both at Teen Mania and Youth With a Mission. Turning my anger toward those who truly deserved it gave me the strength to stand up for my convictions. Thank you for sharing your journey.
August 24, 2010 5:46 PM
joyG said…
Anonymous- I’m sure that was a huge and difficult decision for you; I can’t imagine. Good work. I pray you are surrounded with true “family” who value and don’t pressure you.
Just comparing the advice in the above post to the majority of advice given to budding human services professionals (counselors, social workers, etc.). We are taught to help people identify what they did in a particular problem situation and focus on how they can alter their behavior to resolve something. However, I think it’s different in the case of abuse (any kind). The victim never deserved it. The abuse originates in the abusers/victimizers and is not the fault of the persons harmed. The question, “How did you contribute?” does not apply. Not at all. Sadly, you were there. That wasn’t your fault. Of course, taking responsibility for healing always is our “job.”
Often, therapists/ministers point to what the individual did wrong in order to prevent “unhealthy” blaming of others. For some reason, we think ascribing blame to a victimizer is un-Christian and un-loving. Bull. But to ascribe accurate blame for an injury is not to hate or be unloving. It’s just honest. Nice people have a hard time doing this. It’s always “their” fault.
It’s hard.
August 28, 2010 1:52 PM