It was so hard to explain to people at church why I was back! I didn’t want to lie, but felt beat up and very weak in my spiritual walk after being at the HA for over 10 months. My parents were obviously not proud of me, and very disappointed in my track record thus far, so about two months later at the end of August, I emailed Dave and told him I felt like my time at TM wasn’t over, and I would still like the chance to graduate from the internship, with honor. I also added that I knew the Lord has me on a time line for my life and the ministry I’m called to. I asked permission to come back to HA, but not do the entire first year again. This is the reply that I received…
Anna-
David Hasz told me of your email you sent to him. It sure sounds like you are growing closer and closer with the Lord. I am so proud of you and the way you have taken this situation and pushed forward. It sounds like you have an awesome family to support you as well.
I have been praying and meeting with David Hasz and Becky Henderson regarding your request to come back to HA. We would love to have you come back. As you know our policy is that you would have to complete your entire year over again. We are willing to make an exception in your case and allow you to reapply and return in January of 2004. You would only be required to complete this one semester for graduation rather than a whole year. You would be free to go down roads during that semester if you so desire. If you would like to take advantage of this exception there would be some requirements for you.
I am glad to hear you are in contact with your HA CA. I would encourage you to continue to do this. If you are interested in returning to HA, I would also ask that you notify Becky Henderson, the Director of Women, and she could set you up with a growth plan and some re-enrolment requirements for your return. This would be beneficial for you and it is a way you could still stay connected with HA until you return.
I am proud of you, Anna, and how far you have come. Please know that you are missed here and we are anxious to have you return next January. Please let me know if there is anything you need.
God bless!
Michelle A.
Director of HA Undergraduate Program
Such a nice email… so I’m on my way back to good graces with my family and church, I reapplied and followed my growth plan to the “T.” Becky asked me to find a woman in my church that could act as her go to for updates on me. This woman was my director at home, the woman must have thought Becky was crazy, because they were so strict with me long distance.
When I got back I was teased a lot, and all the staff knew about my story and situation, most didn’t feel like I should have been accepted. I found out later that when there was a meeting about what to do with me and that most were not in agreement that I should be allowed to return. In not so many words, I was a seductive and a sexually active intern. I was teased when the interns started finding out that I came in with the Januarys class and was going to graduate with the August, I was called a “joest” and an “auguary.” I tried to laugh with them, but it did become hurtful. I felt like such an outcast. I had very few friends, I was given the kitchen as my ministry placement, and it was clear that the staff members were using that as punishment, because they knew I was capable of so much more, I had done some of the hardest jobs in the system already the year before. Anyway they ended up moving me, because they desperately needed me in one of their finance positions.
I made friends with this cute girl on the ministry team – another second year intern. I guess that was the only way I knew how to protect myself from all the hurting stares and comments was to find friends that had freedom off campus, and that live a little more normal. When the ATF season started, I did all I could to go to as many ATF’s as I could to hang out with my friends. In the meantime, I fell in love with Acquire the Fire. It was so much different than being on campus, and I had never been to one until this point, I decided this is what I wanted to do next year.
It came time for the “roads” (the application process for a 2nd year) I applied and was turned down for the one and only place I could see myself surviving another year. I think in the back of my mind, I thought I could prove it to my parents that I was not messed up if I could do a full year without any hiccups, and this would be perfect. I come from a family and church that is very mission minded – every one does YWAM, and all kinds of other mission work, so this was just normal for me to take another year and serve this ministry.
My letter of rejection was from one of the female Hasz’s I won’t mention names and I don’t think she works there anymore, but she said in more words than this that they didn’t feel becoming apart of the ministry team was the right fit for me or the ministry. I wanted to know why, so I requested a meeting with her and her response in person was that, she didn’t think is was a safe environment for me or the other interns that I be riding on a bus for months in close proximity with the opposite sex with the kind of thing I struggle with (referring to my past promiscuous acts). Ok people…I couldn’t believe my ears, where is the forgiveness? And I’m still a virgin – nothing happened. This is when my opinion of the HA truly started to change, for the rest of the summer till graduation I was angry inside and didn’t understand how a ministry that proclaims and teaches all these good morals could not give me just one chance to prove that I was not who they thought I was. I just wanted to prove myself to them and to my family. Maybe that was wrong, why should I have to prove anything, because the Lord knows my heart!
I have felt dirty and unworthy of a clean slate with God ever since my experience, ever since that meeting with Mrs. Hasz, this feeling has plagued me for years. I’m a very successful women now, and work in what many Christians may think is a very sexual industry of travel. I am a flight attendant for one of the largest airlines in the world, and I’m in many close proximity’s and go to hotels with the opposite sex co-workers (we all have our own rooms) and never have trouble with any of this! The struggle that has lingered from my TM days is guilt. I have guilt for all kinds of things that I shouldn’t. The brain washing you get there is real, and its very damaging for people that plan on leaving and starting a normal life in society, because when you get out there you find out that know one thinks like you have been taught to think and know one judges like we were taught to judge. I feel like considering all I went through, I’m living exceptionally well. I have tried very hard to not let my thoughts of condemnation and self loathing keep me from the success I know is mine in life. My relationships have suffered, but I continue to fight the damage I know was from my experiences at the Honor Academy. Today I share with you all of this to heal even more. I don’t believe the ministry is all wrong, but I think its getting worse and it saddens me deeply that there are still interns coming home hurting and having to learn how to live again free from the ways of Teen Mania.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story! Now, everything is wonderful with me and my family. The distance with them only lasted a few months that summer after I got dismissed. My parents are my best friends they aren’t perfect, as none are but they love me and we worked though all the discord that went on that summer!
Everyone out there, please continue to heal, if you feel something that isn’t healthy rooted in pain from your past rise above it and remember freedom is worth it! You can change your perspective and thoughts, just by being motivated to do it! And remember your not standing alone! This is an online support group!
(I have changed some of the names in my story to protect the innocent.)
10 comments:
Anna,
At the end of the day while not rape what the guy did was assault because given you being on a boat in the middle of a lake with him there wasn’t much you could do but consent. It’s a hard lesson.
I don’t think your current job is a bad one hell I don’t think of it in any sexy way at all. I mean your stuck in a small confined space with hundreds of people all day long and you are far away from anyone you could consider family most of the time. One of my mom’s best friends chose that life and now at 60 is still single and living with her mom. I love the lady very much as she afforded me several opportunities as she adopted her friends kids while watching them grow. I pray that you have as lovely as a life as she did but if you want a relationship life and a family that you also have those as well.
I think all of the crap that this ministry did to you is just that Crap. I think it’s wrong of them to have labeled you in such a way because of something that was largely their fault to begin with. I hope that you have found a beautiful and loving understanding of God outside of TM! *hugs*
February 8, 2011 8:38 AM
Jayme Wass said…
Anna,
Thank you for being so beautiful. Which is exactly what your heart about the entire situation is, beautiful. You are in pain and hurting and yet you are healing and even through that you are so merciful and kind to the organization that put you in such an icky situation. Keep that beauty shining girl 🙂 *hugs*
February 8, 2011 10:28 AM
catsaved said…
Anna,
I went through a very similar situation where I was preyed on by a man who saw that I was in a vulnerable state and then I got shamed again and again for it- by the church. It was terrible for me to feel like no matter what I did, how much I repented, how above reproach I lived there was nothing that could erase their negative view of me. It wasn’t until I began to see that I was really and fully forgiven by Christ the baby at Christmas- who was born only to die for my sins- that I was able to have true peace.
The people who condemned me are dealing with their own issues and I don’t have to own them- I get to own joy in Christ.
I pray for you that you find the same fullness of forgiveness for yourself in Christ and that you are able to let others deal with their own issues without owning them yourself. There’s too much good in God’s plans for you for you to be bogged down with other people’s sins.
And there’s no mistake or misunderstanding, this man preyed on you. He preyed on you. He really did. It was not your fault even in the slightest. No matter your involvement, he’d planned and plotted what he was going to do with you before you ever knew him. None of it was your fault.
February 8, 2011 11:01 AM
julie said…
Wow, TM, way to blame the victim! Even if the reason they didn’t want you to be on MT was the concern that they told you, they never should have said it to you. They could just as easily have said you needed more time to grow before you were ready for that step or something instead of making you feel shamed, inadequate, and unforgiven. Christ has washed everything that happened away and none of your experiences at HA need to define you. The things that happened were wrong and very wounding, but there is healing in Christ and He knows your heart and everything you’ve suffered. If any Christian every says anything to you about your line of work, I hope you tell them what for because that’s a load of B.S. People fall into sexual temptation in all kinds of situations. The fact your crew stays in hotels doesn’t make it any more or less likely someone will give into temptation. TM pretty much acted like what harmed to you was your fault because you’re attractive. A woman’s appearance does not give anyone the right to take advantage of her. TM was wrong to make you feel that way. I pray God gives you strength in your recovery, love you sister!
February 8, 2011 11:39 AM
Eric said…
Anna said:
“I have felt dirty and unworthy of a clean slate with God ever since my experience….”
And this, oh, this, is why I hate Teen Mania. Not “dislike,” not “look askance at,” not “have misgivings about.” Hate. Hate it like somebody is saying lies about my mother or my wife or my best friend.
How dare they. How dare they.
You do not do that in the name of Jesus.
When the woman caught in a predatory situation came to Teen Mania, Dave Hasz said, “You’re a sinner, go get out of here, after we all throw some stones at you.” When the woman caught in adultery came to Jesus, He said, “Let the one without sin throw the first stone…. Oh, nobody wants to condemn you all of a sudden? I don’t condemn you either. Go, you don’t have to be a sinner anymore.” (John 8.)
The whole point of the Gospel–the whole reason Jesus came–the entire message of the Bible–the center point of all Christian doctrine–is this: Jesus. Makes. You. Clean.
“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.” (Ephesians 1:7)
“O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.” (Psalm 130:7)
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)
“I am writing to you who are God’s children because your sins have been forgiven through Jesus.” (1 John 2:12).
“Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” (Isaiah 1:18)
“I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.” (Ezekiel 36:25).
“He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior…” (Titus 3:5-6)
“Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.” (Hebrews 10:22)
I could go on for hours with more verses like that, but at this point I’m practically picking them out of the air. Take one and there’s half a dozen cross references more. This is hardly some obscure idea in Scripture. It’s practically the whole point of it. It all says the same thing: If you’re dirty, come to God and He will make you clean in Christ and keep you clean by the Spirit.
The one passage you absolutely must read is Romans 8 (the way I suggest here). It begins, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” It gets better from there.
And yet somehow Honor Academy forgot to ever tell you this. Well then, they don’t know Jesus, that’s all there is to it.
If you believe nothing else, believe this: The whole point of what Jesus did is to make you clean. So you’re clean. You’re not guilty. You’re not condemned. You’re free.
February 8, 2011 4:17 PM
julie said…
Beautiful post, Eric. Like, like, like!
February 8, 2011 5:03 PM
Anna said…
thank you Eric for all the sound, pure love and encouragment from the word! The comfort and healing is in Him.
February 8, 2011 10:06 PM
Anna said…
Thank you everyone for all the dialog and encouragement! I’m sorry I have been in and out, I was out of the country during all of this, all I had was my iphone, I’m back, and had a better look at all that was commented on.
I really needed the support this blog provides. I have healed more just knowing I’m apart of a community that cares! And I feel most of us are on the same page about how damaging the internship is… I want the light to be shown on the truth more than anything! Please tell all your friends from HA about this site. I have hope for healing for so many more hurting and confused alumni.
I feel like I want to address a lot that was said in the comments, I’m just trying to take it all in and form my own opinion, the consent I was talking about (the reason I said that) was because I wanted to make sure you all knew I wasn’t raped, but I can’t say I really consented to what happened I was suck and trapped in the middle of the lake, I did participate, though was really coerced, and intimidated by this man that I trusted, one thing led to another, I was merely complying with what he wanted to do. It was almost like being a woman on a polygamist compound; they just do whatever, because they don’t know any better. When Ian said he was a smooth talker, I have never heard anyone like that to this day, smoother than a car salesman.
I will say the worst pain I felt at the time I started to realize what was happening, and still now, was that I lost my best girlfriend of a life time, I haven’t made a friend like that since. Its makes me so sad to think about how I hurt her and betrayed her, and what we lost in a future of sharing our lives together as close friends.
Please forgive me friend!
February 8, 2011 10:22 PM
Anonymous said…
…”I have never heard anyone like that to this day, smoother than a car salesman.” Pretty ironic considering he was a car salesman after leaving the compound.
February 9, 2011 11:09 PM
frogla said…
@anna i can relate with “being coerced, and intimidated by this man that I trusted, one thing led to another, I was merely complying with what he wanted to do.” i’m sorry this happened to you. i hope for you healing, full recovery and to know that you are “clean”. (i need that too)
February 17, 2011 10:42 AM