I came in contact with Teen Mania Ministries through an ATF when I was in high school. I was “saved” at an ATF. During my first ATF they had a break out session for those that were interested in the Honor Academy. The break out session made the HA sound a lot like the Ministry Team. Sounded good to me. Over the next year I thought about it, and wish that I could say that I prayed about it. At the following year’s event, I “knew” that God was calling me to the Honor Academy. So, I talked with my youth pastor, who was in agreement.
Once I applied and was accepted, I took on the challenge of fundraising. I grew up in a Southern Baptist Church. My church was supportive of me and set up a fundraising budget for my year. (This is important for later). My parents were not thrilled with the idea because this meant that I would be taking a year’s break from college in order to attend. My parents were also very skeptical of the program. But, I was determined.
I became very devoted to everything Teen Mania. I started talking to others in the TM chat room and started planning my year. First challenge was to tackle the Mission Trip. I went to New Orleans at Christmas. I was an MA. During my mission trip, a few of my group members informed me that our Team Leaders were saying some inappropriate things to them and that they felt uncomfortable. I advised them to talk with the person over the trip. These girls were made to feel like they were the horrible ones and that they had done something wrong, despite the fact that it was the Team Leader that was giving the girls shoulder massages, etc. Eventually, word got to the directors and the Team Leaders were no longer allowed to have anything to do with Teen Mania. The girls’ moms emailed me and were very thankful for my help with their young daughters.
I arrived to campus excited, but confused. I still believed that I had signed up for and was going to be a part of the Ministry Team — That is how they sold it to me. I was a January and so I felt very out-casted in my core. I was one of two Januaries in my core, and the only January in my room. Because of this I felt out of place and felt as if I didn’t belong. Our January class grew very close to one another.
Being overweight, and not being told about the exercise requirement prior to joining the HA, I struggled with corporate exercise. I often felt belittled by some of my core mates because of their comments regarding the exercises.
I have never been a morning person and therefore I struggle with focusing early in the morning. Give me an hour or so after I have woken up and I will be good. Unfortunately, the requirement was to have a 1 hour quiet time, and my core advisor required that to be in the morning. So, during my second semester, I was made to feel like I wasn’t good enough because I didn’t gain anything out of my quiet times since I couldn’t focus. I tried to talk with my core advisor about having them at night and the reasons for wanting to do so, but was shut down and told that it was an expectation to have them in the morning. This led to feeling like a failure.
I had quite a few “friends” at the HA. I use quotations because many of them were “friends” when they needed a ride to Tyler or elsewhere. I was one of the few people that had a car on campus and I was used for that car on many, many occasions.
ESOAL was ridiculous. I couldn’t tell you how long I lasted during the event, but I can tell you the pain I went through, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To begin with, I felt as if I dragged my team down, and on a few occasions was told such. When one of our teammates was kidnapped and we were required to find them, we ran through the paintball field being pelted with paintballs in all angles. At the end of the course, I fell on a rock and sprained my ankle. My team encouraged me to get up and continue on. Facilitators “encouraged” the same thing. However, I knew my ankle was bad. I told them that I couldn’t continue and needed to go to the ER. I was taken to the ER and told that if I sprain my ankle again before it heals, I would end up with torn ligaments in my ankle. So I had to be very cautious regarding my exercises and such.
Like many others, I was told that the Pike’s Peak retreat was a challenge and that Pike’s Peak was my spiritual mountain to overcome. I was unable to complete the challenge and was forced to stop at Bar Camp. Dealing with altitude sickness, I had to hike back down the peak. There was another intern in the same predicament, except she had to be carried down by the remaining interns on a stretcher because she was nearly passed out. Instead of being proud that I was able to make it to Bar Camp, I felt like a failure and someone that couldn’t conquer her spiritual mountain.
During a prayer retreat, the guest speaker began to invite those of us that wanted to be baptized in the spirit to the altar. Growing up in a SBC church, this was completely foreign to me, but because there were so many other people going to the altar, I felt the need/desire/call to go to the altar as well. My advisor came and prayed with me. She laid her hands on me and told me to start speaking in tongues. She continued to pressure me to “just speak” and I became so uncomfortable that I simply began speaking gibberish so that she would go pray with someone else.
A few weeks later, I felt the need to confront my church for leaving out a crucial part of the bible, the baptism of the holy spirit. I wrote my pastor a letter and chronicled my experience (as I believed it was real) and encouraged my church to begin teaching this. A few days after sending the letter, my pastor informed me that my church would no longer sponsor me at TM, which was completely understandable!
Being at the Honor Academy in such a sheltered environment did nothing for my social skills. Prior to being in the HA, I was a social butterfly who could communicate verbally with just about anyone about anything. Once I graduated from the internship I felt awkward and unable to fit in with friends that I grew up with. I am a social misfit in many ways now and am unable to communicate verbally in the same manner as before.
After being at the HA, I went to a Christian college. For the first couple of years I was passionate, but felt completely empty. No church that I attended gave me the same feeling that the HA had given me. No amount of quiet times, or worship sessions, etc. gave me the same high that I had while at TM. My Junior year of college as a Christian Studies minor, I began to really question a lot of the things I had been taught. I began digging deeper into the Bible and began forming drastically different beliefs than what I was taught growing up. This continued through my Senior year as well. I was without a church family for most of my college years because I couldn’t find one that measured up to my experience at TM.
The fall of my Senior year, already questioning a lot of my beliefs, I was dealt a blow like I have never experienced. My mom, who had been sick on and off for years, was again in the hospital. This time, however, they were not sure if she would make it. The week before finals, my dad called my school, my work, and me to let me know that I will have to come home immediately. On December 16, 2004 my mom passed away.
For the next year I prayed, fasted, sought Godly counsel, and all to no avail. I felt like I was abandoned by this God that I had given my life to. I prayed for comfort – any amount of comfort, and instead, I was left with an unbearable amount of grief. Friends, both from the HA and from home, were nowhere to be found when I called them or tried to talk to them. I spent that year alone. I literally felt abandoned by God, and my friends. I didn’t feel as if I could talk to my family because I was the only Christian in my family and I was supposed to be the strong one, or so I thought.
At one point, I even emailed Dave Hasz about the situation. His response saddened me and only left me feeling bitter and alone. He couldn’t answer why there is so much suffering in the world other than the standard Christian response about being for the glory of god. He also wanted me to identify what I wanted as far as comfort.
So, left alone, bitter, and feeling abandoned, I quit having quiet times, quit praying, quit seeking, quit trying. I began to realize that god was simply something that I, and humans, have created in order to try to understand the world and make sense of what seems like chaos. I am a weak atheist at this point and yes there is a lot more, unrelated to my experience at TM, to my de-conversion.
So that is my story. Definitely not as horrible as others, but also not very pleasant for me. Please do not contact me trying to convert me, as I am not interested. Thanks!
18 comments:
Robbie said…
Thanks for sharing your story, Shannon. It’s interesting that you talked about initial resistance to the idea of The Honor Academy from your parents, and then later from your home church. Teens are often convinced by Teen Mania (mostly at ATF events) that going on a Global Expedition or signing up for the HA is God’s indisputable will for their life…teens are encouraged to fill out applications on the spot before ever talking to their parents about it. Not to mention that TMM gives a free pizza lunch to high school juniors & seniors that will sit through an hour-long presentation about the HA. What’s cooler than a free pizza lunch when you’re a kid?
Unfortunately, marketing techniques like these are downright predatory when it comes to persuading kids to make major life decisions about money, college, etc. It becomes downright abusive when your willingness to sign-up for a Teen Mania program becomes a barometer of your spiritual commitment.
Teen Mania leaders also have a long history of abandoning kids going through difficult emotional and spiritual times. The Bible talks of the shepherd leaving the 99 sheep to save the one…TMM seems to have the opposite approach when it comes to struggling teenagers. Sorry you had to go through that, Shannon.
March 29, 2010 7:40 AM
Eric P. said…
I respect atheists a lot, probably because I tend to agree with them that the god described by TM and similar species of religion doesn’t exist.
(The Father of Jesus Christ, on the other hand…)
I’m pretty sure I’d be an atheist too if I hadn’t discovered the true God in the process of deconverting from the false one.
I’m not out to convert anyone (I’m no good at it anyway), but I’m curious if you’ve read anything by Christians who aren’t afraid to deal with this issue realistically, such as perhaps Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey?
Actually, your story is very well-timed as a meditation for Holy Week. As Chesterton once pointed out, on the Cross, God experienced what it was like to feel abandoned by God.
March 29, 2010 11:48 AM
Shannon Kish said…
Eric, I haven’t read that book, or any similar. I will certainly add it to the ever growing list of books that I would like to read though. Thank you for the suggestion.
March 29, 2010 12:00 PM
Ben said…
it’s definitely an interesting thread i’ve noticed that parents are often on to the HA quicker than their kids. it’s too bad many don’t go the extra step and keep them from going.
March 29, 2010 1:12 PM
Eric P. said…
Glad to oblige! Henri Nouwen, George MacDonald, and G. K. Chesterton (in certain of his moods) are some other excellent authors along these lines, since you’re interested. I can’t recommend them enough.
March 29, 2010 1:15 PM
Anonymous said…
Ben – at a certain point, there is not much you can do to “keep them from going.” For one thing, a lot of the kids are 18. If they’re going to do the fund raising and not be relying on their parents to take care of them, that just makes them adults. On their own. Also, at a certain point, kids have to start learning things for themselves. So, as a parent, you just give them your opinion and your reasoning and pray that they will use that information to make an informed decision. We all do things that would best be avoided, and we have to take responsibility for those mistakes in order to overcome them; it’s a part of being a mature adult. You can’t blame the parents for not forcing their kids to stay home/go to college instead/get a job. Kids aren’t kids forever. “Because I said so” doesn’t work into adulthood, especially if they aren’t going to live under your roof. You want to protect your kids from every possible pain, but that is not within anyone’s power.
March 29, 2010 2:34 PM
Shannon Kish said…
I guess I can clarify the bit about my parents. My parents weren’t thrilled for a number of reasons:
1) I had to take a year out of college and since I was finishing my freshman year, they relied on stats that show that taking a year out of college decreases you chances at graduating.
2) My parents were not, nor are they now, Christians. The idea didn’t make any sense to them.
3) My parents didn’t like the idea that I would have to pay to work, instead of the opposite.
4) They knew nothing about TM other than what I had told them.
All of the above are very good reasons to not allow an 18 y/o to go to TM. My parents have always been supportive of any decision I have made except this one. They were especially unsupportive when I told them that I felt like God was calling me to a second year. Their lack of support for the 2nd year is what led me to not stay for a 2nd year. A good mentor of mine, at the time, questioned how God could call me to something and my parents be so unsupportive of the idea. I agreed.
March 29, 2010 4:53 PM
carrie said…
Shannon,
Thank you for posting your story. I almost laughed (incredulously) at the part about you believing that it was going to be Ministry Team. I’m sure it wasn’t made clear to you, as I worked in Mobilization and it wasn’t a question that we received or clarified often. Talk about a classic bait and switch, though. Yeeesh.
I’m so sorry that you suffered so greatly, and completely respect your current stance on God and religion. Know that you are loved here.
March 29, 2010 5:53 PM
JMillerFam said…
I totally thought I was going to be on the Ministry team too!!! It’s VERY confusing now that I think back to what i expected vs. what it ended up being.
March 29, 2010 7:54 PM
Ben said…
anon: good points to be sure. i’m also partially drawing from my experience where my parents didn’t feel all that good about, but didn’t say much because they wanted me to make my own decision. my dad told me that he’d had a bad feeling about it after the preview weekend and my reaction was “What?! Why didn’t you say anything?!?” if my parents had been emphatic about their discomfort, and the reasons for it, it may well have kept me from going.
i know that’s not the scenario you’re talking about, but i guess that’s just what i drew from.
March 29, 2010 9:47 PM
Ben said…
and shannon, thanks for the extra details, that does make sense.
March 29, 2010 9:48 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
Parenting in this situation is a difficult subject…I can certainly see both sides. From my perspective, I would never allow my children to go to the HA. But yes, at a certain age and level of financial independence – there is probably not much you can do to stop them….I think a big factor is also how open is the child to the parent’s advice…If they are intent on doing the opposite of whatever you suggest, then coming down hard probably isn’t the best solution.
March 29, 2010 10:49 PM
Mary Beth (Johnson) Tyson said…
I’m noticing a lot of people saying they are atheist now and to me it seems perfectly normal for there to be so many after the TM experience.
They create a kind of Christianity that is so impossible to live!
Shannon, thank you so much for your story!
March 30, 2010 9:37 PM
Brad said…
Hi Shannon,
Not sure if I ever met you or not (there were a lot of people at TM), but I just wanted to add myself to the list of people who are sorry that you’ve gone through so much and who also admire you for sharing your story so courageously.
Here are some of my memories:
I had a pretty bad accident during the gauntlet week, had a horrible ear infection in the summer one year, felt like I was going to die while getting sick during a fasting retreat (Esteban Mina may have helped save my life, actually), also had a rough time on Pike’s Peak, and definitely felt more socially awkward than I already was when I left TM. =)
I can definitely relate with some of what you went through quite well, but bottom line, I’d like to nominate you as one of the representatives from the Recovering Alumni Group… whatever this thing’s going to amount to.
I think you are an eloquent and effective communicator, I don’t sense that you are an overtly bitter, and what’s most important: I think you’re honest about where you’ve been and where you’re at.
Those are my thoughts. All in favor of nominating Shannon, say “I?” *If that’s how this thing works somehow/eventually???
Brad Kelly
March 31, 2010 10:21 AM
Shannon Kish said…
Brad, thank you! I am not sure what the nomination will achieve, but I do truly appreciate the support.
It is good and healing to know that there are others that have been in your shoes, even for a bit.
Have you visited the forums yet Brad?
March 31, 2010 12:14 PM
Anonymous said…
Shannon,
I just want to say that I’m sorry as well that you were feeling like this. I’m sorry that you felt abandoned!!!!! I was a January Intern 2001 as well. At the end of our year I just couldn’t bring myself to continue for a 2nd year but felt the pressure to do so. When I didn’t go back for reasons I can’t discuss right now, I felt abandoned as well. No one respected my reasons or even listened to my doubts.
TM is a culture that will chew you up and spit you out without you even realizing it to years later.
I just want to again say, sorry because I can relate to the pressure and dealing with that small voice that said, “you’re not good enough”.
I can remember hearing a joke on campus (which I thought it was sick at the time)about interns leaving the honor academy and becoming atheists and agnostic. That is so sick! How can someone find humor in pushing people away from God and their faith in Him!
Much love!
KM
April 27, 2010 12:42 PM
Curtis Romano said…
Shannon even though we have many disagreements on this whole blog issue. I do agree with you ringing out on ESOAL. If you are hurt ESOAL is not worth making an injury worse. As far as Pikes Peak. I’ve done Mountain Warfare training in the military. Physical conditioning helps with that but not as much as acclimation and the speed of ascension. After going through Mountain training I learned TM needs to have someone give better instruction on such an event. What you were experiencing was called Acute Mountain Sickness. IN case you decide to go back and climb the beautiful peaks of Colorado. I plan on it. I will say in regards to tongues I find it ridiculous that your previous Church would no longer support you on. It is not like you were going out partying and snorting coke. I find it odd that you bash TM but not your old Church. That is a problem with denominations. Personally I think tongues is a gift of the spirit but like a gift of singing not everyone has it. When I go to Church (3 months out of the yr) if I sang we would have no one come. Singing is not my gift unless I’m in a car by myself.
May 4, 2010 3:14 AM
Shannon Kish said…
Curtis, This blog isn’t about my church. If there were a blog about my church, I would be there as well because I was very hurt by some of the things that went on there. But, again, this blog isn’t about my church, it is about TM.
May 4, 2010 8:19 AM
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