Ashley’s Story

I even questioned for months after getting married if I had made a mistake because my husband is not an alumni and doesn’t seem to fit the long list of standards us HA girls had for our future husbands. I wonder if any of us would live up to such a list. I think the HA sort of trains you to think that you must be this spiritual giant before you get married and you have to marry this incredibly amazing squeaky clean person, otherwise everything is doomed, instead of seeing marriage as a journey and a tool God can use for the sanctification process and no one goes into it perfectly. That is really getting cult like when you are so strongly influencing who we marry. God’s will was not for me to marry a former intern, and the HA caused so much doubt for me in that area.

My intern year I was a promotions caller for GE, and a few months into it I still didn’t feel like I was very good at it. I even set up a meeting with one of the managers, saying that I didn’t feel like I was a good fit for the job and wanted to talk about it. I felt like I was in rebellion for questioning the judgement of those who had chosen the ministry placement for me, and canceled the meeting before it happened. The manager had a judgmental look and seemed more than happy to cancel the meeting and have me continue on with my job, no questions asked.

During ESOAL, I rang out on Saturday afternoon because my knees aren’t great and I didn’t think my knees could handle any more stress. I definitely felt less spiritual for this and I was questioning for days afterwards if I could have learned more by staying in longer. I now realize how silly the whole concept of ESOAL really is.

There was this one night at the HA, and I can’t remember why but we were playing this game with a bunch of GI’s and I had to ride around in some truck out in the grass and the GI was yelling out of a blow horn while driving. It sounds kind of ridiculous now. I told her I was getting really nervous riding with her and I wanted to go to my dorm because I didn’t see the spiritual benefit of this exercise. She told me adamantly that I needed to “get out of my comfort zone” and that if I didn’t that I was, “Never gonna grow.” I insisted on leaving anyway, so I did. She let me out with a very judgmental look.

I remember another day where everyone was marching around chanting ESOAL scriptures and stuff, I think they were getting us reading for ESOAL or something. If an outsider had visited campus that day and saw us, they would have thought we had lost our minds.

For so long after the HA I really struggled with life back outside of the “bubble.” It felt like such a culture shock. I felt like I was the only alumni having such a hard time. At alumni weekend everyone seemed so happy and peaceful, and so connected with other alumni, and doing the exact perfect thing they felt called to do. When I was an intern it felt like we were so special and would live this amazing life from the minute we step out of the Honor Academy. I wasn’t prepared for the immense culture shock of it all, and the despair of trying to live up to the standards I had when I was there. After reading everyone’s stories I am relieved that I am not alone. I’ve always felt this pressure to read through all my old notes from HA sermons and that that would make me all “spiritual” again and on the right track. I looked back on my character development notebook today and realized how misleading alot of it really was. I don’t feel the need to read those things over anymore and I am glad I haven’t gone to alumni weekend in a long time. The one time I did go I felt ashamed and sinful and like I was the only one struggling. I always used to wonder what was wrong with me that I wouldn’t keep in better touch with other alumni, but now I realize I was afraid they would judge me by the same standards of the HA, the way we judged each other when we were there, and shame doesn’t lead anywhere good.

The other thing about the HA is the pressure to find your “vision.” If you are hung up on finding your vision though, you are seen as less spiritual also. I think it is kind of ridiculous to expect 18 year olds to know all this after one year. And then there are the dire warnings not to “lose your vision.” I think it is normal for life plans to continue changing for years after the HA, that is normal human development. There is so much emphasis on works, you are constantly told that the fate of people rests on your strict following of your vision. It really just puts your eyes on yourself.

I am so happy to be free now.