Taking a week off from the world of TM has been a wonderful thing. Spending time with trusted friends and having more mental space than usual has allowed me to have some new insights on where I am in my journey towards spiritual and emotional healing. Even though I purposely didn’t think about TM, or even set out to have any epiphanies in the first place – its funny how I began to see that some unresolved issues in my life still stem from my days at TM and how I still relate to some people out of a broken paradigm based on the pain I experienced there. (And of course, some things are larger than TM and can be traced right back to the fall and the brokenness of humanity.) Here’s one example….
For the past couple of years, I’ve wanted to get involved with volunteering in particular organizations. And for some reason, I’ve had an uneasiness about it that makes me put it off. In talking with a friend this week, I was finally able to recognize what that uneasiness is and where it comes from – and I wonder if any of you have experienced this…
I left TM in the summer of my GI year. As you can imagine, I was oft reminded of my “commitment” and told not to “break my word.” The level of condemnation that comes with leaving TM early is absurd. For months I wanted to leave TM, but didn’t just because of that “commitment.” (Nevermind that TM violated its commitment to provide me a safe and healthy atmosphere and that the longer I stayed there, the more damage was done.) Because I left early, I was made to feel like I was a bad Christian, a bad person, backslidden, not as spiritual as the others, etc. Writing this down in a sentence seems trivial and doesn’t even begin to describe its affect on me. At the time it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING. As I’ve written before in My Story, to be seeking God with all my heart and yet be told I wasn’t good enough as a Christian was nothing short of soul destroying.
So, back to my present day issue with volunteering – I’ve realized that my unease is a fear of being tied down to a “commitment” that is damaging to me and that I’m not able to escape without severe consequences to my worth as a person and any relationships that I’ve built. I can’t handle going through another experience like I had at TM, so my protection mechanisms have kicked in hard to prevent me from ever entering another commitment, just so I won’t be damaged. Now clearly, volunteering at my local animal shelter or coaching a sports team isn’t going to come with the same kinds of gravitas that a commitment to TM entails. And now that I’ve realized where these feelings are coming from, I can choose to appropriately apply them to situations that might be damaging and to (hopefully) take some steps towards new, healthy commitments in my life.
9 comments:
Recovering Alumni said…
Well, I meant to publish this on Wednesday, but hit the wrong button….so here you go!
August 9, 2010 11:00 AM
Drew said…
This story strikes a good and subtle cord in my life. Since I have been reading and inserting my ideas and thoughts here I have realized more the plethora of minute mind sets I still have since TM. (They are probably clapping and getting giddy right now, haha) I have been startled that, as I discuss these mind sets with friends about how graceless and self focused they are. Self focused in the sense that, I need to be this, I need to be that, I need to change this, I need to change that! The mind set I left with was, I can change you and/or this organization to how I feel the lord would have it/you function.
Through the years this drive has become more covert and subtle but still there. This makes me sad, as I have been deeply learning about grace in life, through Christ and how that grace applies to me and my community.
Thanks for the post, I enjoy reading, and learning.
August 9, 2010 2:29 PM
dan said…
I hate when that happens! 😉
This is an awesome post. Thank you for being so vulnerable. I’ve seen this type of thing show up time and time again in my own life. A moderate to severe aversion to volunteering, being involved with ministries, churches, etc. Making that decision to take those steps toward new and healthy commitments has been a challenge for me. I’m glad to hear that I’m not crazy, and other people go through this same phenomenon.
August 9, 2010 2:43 PM
Heather said…
RA, I know exactly what you are talking about. I struggle with the same thing!
August 9, 2010 5:06 PM
Anonymous said…
So – on this note. I felt the same thing happen to me about the commitment thing.
I recently moved home not having a CLUE what I was going to do next. I was so lost. So I took two part time jobs. One officially ends in November. The other it didn’t matter when it ended.
I had a great opportunity come up but I would have to leave in September. And I FOUGHT hard inside about if I should take this great opportunity because of this job that ends in October. (that – they can TOTALLY find another person to take my place.)
Turns out in the real world I was the ONLY person that was stressin. Everyone from my mom to my friends to my bosses have ALL been like -“Go! PLEASE! For real! Go – NO ONE IS HOLDING YOU BACK!’
I think it’s funny that God was working the same issue in both of us (different ways… but same issue.)
August 9, 2010 6:41 PM
katydid said…
RA–I’m so happy that you’ve had a great week away from all things TM–you deserve (and needed) it!
I can most certainly relate to your fear of volunteering. What I did was (after a long break of healing, restoration, soaking in the Word) was stepped into it slowly–just with a short-term commitment where I knew the exact beginning and the end of the project–and slowly have eased my way back. I’ve learned to say ‘no’ when necessary–as well as spoke up when I don’t think what I am asked to do didn’t fit into the parameters.
RA, I pray that you continue to heal as you sort through the experiences in your life, and pray that the Lord continue to hold you tightly in His arms..((hugs))
August 10, 2010 9:18 AM
Recovering Alumni said…
Sorry for the late comment moderating…I was wondering why everyone was so quiet today, then I realized I was looking in the wrong place for the comments….Only gone a week and I’m already rusty…lol!
August 10, 2010 4:29 PM
Anonymous said…
I just stumbled upon your blog yesterday and I can’t stop reading. Every blog speaks to part of what I felt but could never quite express in words or thoughts.
I have been struggling with this very issue since I graduated HA in 2002! I have a huge fear of commitment to any form of ministry or volunteerism and an overwhelming guilt for not overcoming that fear and getting involved.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is amazing how freeing it is to just recognize where the breakdown stems from. I believe I can now start down the road to recovery.
August 18, 2010 1:12 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
Thanks, anon! Glad you are here!
August 18, 2010 2:31 PM