I went to the HA several years ago in the middle of my sophomore year of college because I was seeking to be stronger in the Lord. Looking back on my time in the HA, I now understand the negative reinforcement that was given to me. My mother was fully against it as she saw the warning signs that I, being 20, just couldn’t get. She felt that there were some things that they were asking us to do that worried her. I had already spent a year and a half in college and understood what it was to be on my own. Besides raising the required first 4 months before I left, I also had enough in my pockets that I could get through a normal functional year of washing and drying clothes, eating out, gifting money to others who were in hard straights, and of course buying clothes for myself if need be. I came to the HA having been in a state school working for the dean of the school of music there. I was there to learn more of a servants heart not for the work experience training. I had visions of being able to go on mission trips and being prepared to pour out Gods love to countries after college. When I got there, I thought I was going to be poured into from the moment I walked onto campus. However, I soon found that the HA had other ideas.
I remember being told after several weeks that I needed to wear make up, which I had never worn before as I felt that it took away from the beautiful form that God had given each of us. To my way of thinking if he knit each one of us perfectly who we were suppose to be from day one why would I hide that under the worlds definition of beauty? My thoughts branded me a trouble maker. I suppose having been out in the world at large lent me no favors with my CA as she was my age and had only ever been an intern as an “adult”. I learned quickly that questioning the “rules” leads to trouble even when the scripture is on your side, as I felt I did with most things.
Coming from the real world into TM was somehow a sign of being trouble to many around me. The fact that I already had learned to question and critically think seemed to be a black mark for me, especially with Dave Hasz. I remember coming to him with questions, including scriptural references about why another way was valid, and being told that my understanding of scriptures was lacking due to my youth and having been “of the world.” This also did not jive with my understanding of scriptures but I let it be. For the first two months I struggled, trying to be heard by my leadership, but my concerns were continually ignored. Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to ask questions and tried to do what they suggested. This left me feeling further away from God as I had come to know him. I felt like the God they preached was a God of rules and judgment, while the God I knew was a God of love and compassion for all.
Spiritually, I was feeling disheartened after only the first two months. However, that was nothing compared to physical state. I had begun to show signs of what I would later find out was a degenerative disease. I would feel numbness on one side of my body for days then high amounts of pain. I took pain relievers only to have them confiscated and to be told that I needed to suffer in joy. I kept trying to do corporate exercise even when I was miserable. I only ended up feeling more and more run down. The leadership would treat any issues I had as attention seeking.
I do remember pulling Dave aside twice about corporate and sending him emails that stated the kind of pain I was in. The first time, his response was to pray over me and tell me that If I had strong enough faith it would go away. The second time he told me that I had a bad attitude and that I just had to get used to pain when working out. I also recall telling Heath that I was having tremors in the left side of my body as well as shooting pain. He told me that if my faith was strong enough I could be healed. He told me to keep doing it and to pray every second for a the pain to go away. They told me that unless something was broken it was likely just my body adjusting to the different workout than the one I did at home. The disease I have is one where you never look outwardly sick until your nervous system tries to shut down other body functions. *Sigh* Gotta love how prayer is the only medication one can take for something that could kill you.
Even though I had good insurance, I was not allowed to leave campus to go to a doctor to find out what was wrong. Some days it was hard for me to get out of bed with the pain but of course I had to go do corporate, classes, and work. I remember being told that if I am experiencing so much pain it must be because God was convicting me of some major wrong in my life and if I just repented and trusted more fully I would be fine. I was taught the mantra of “beating my body and making it my slave,” and I used it so many times that it became part of me during that time and well after. Being a curvy girl when I got to the HA I remember applying it to my diet to the point where my calorie restriction was out of control. I remember having other core members encouraging me in my attempt at a healthier lifestyle, as I was doing this for my future husband.
Because of all these struggles, my self-confidence, my faith, and my own educational understanding were all falling away. Further, I was being taught to not be a strong woman of God, but a meek woman who needed a man to validate her understanding of scriptures. I was taught so many things that were not Biblical that I started losing count.
After 3 months, I was starting to lose sight of the Lord entirely, and I felt that staying would drive me completely away. The thing that was a blessing was that by holiday, I realized all the teachings that they were giving me were wrong. I sat in my pastor’s office and we went through each teaching. I went to my doctor and she recommended me to a specialist who diagnosed my illness. When I realized that I could have been treated sooner, that was my last straw. I drove back, packed up my stuff, gave my love to my core and left.
I re-enrolled in the same college I had left to come to the HA. I tried hard to integrate back into reality but I was so changed for the worse by my experience that even a friend of mine that I had known since I was 12 was afraid for me. The “beat my body and make it my slave” mantra was so ingrained in me that I kept pushing further and further at my body, trying to get the disease to stop. I also developed an eating disorder. I was no more the confident outgoing lady that left to seek God. I was someone who was afraid of speaking because my opinions were likely wrong. I was someone who was second guessing even the most ingrained of my talents without male approval. I was someone who lost sight of a healthy lifestyle for one where I spent 3 hours a day working out and took in less than 750 calories. My confidence, my heart for the world, my hope felt all shattered at once. I felt that God must be punishing me for something I had done in the past.
I admit to being a mess and most of this was from actions directly related to the leadership at Teen Mania. I shoved most of my experience with the HA so deep in my memory I never even spoke of it to my partner until reading your blog. I still fight the idea that I have to be completely perfect or no one will love me. It took me years to realize how much of a mess I had become, and years of therapy and a supportive partner to realize that my opinions and ideas are good again.
Through counseling, I can now identify many of the markers of mental and emotional abuse that TM uses on its interns to get them to do the things they want them to do. The abusive practices they use are meant to create an environment where you believe that you are what THEY say you are and not what GOD says you are. They tear down a person’s self-worth and try to put them on some strange set of impossible standards. Further, they create a world outside that isn’t viewed as godly or good for those on the inside. They isolate the interns emotionally and mentally to where even platonic relationships with those who want healthy things for them are impossible. All of this to promote the interns living to a standard the leadership itself does not live up to. They push the rules of their organization over the grace of god and in so doing wreck the young people’s minds they come in contact with.
12 comments:
Nunquam Honorablus says:
August 11, 2010 at 9:02 AM
Aaaaaaand Hasz says that the HA standard isn’t more than Biblical Christianity.
If there’s nothing wrong with your philosophy(which he claims), then I’m not sure that people should be walking away damaged by it…
Courtney, I’m so sorry. 🙁 I went through similar ridicule with my core about corporate and asking questions, albeit not nearly to this degree.
I am happy for you, though, that you’ve found a partner who helps validate you as a person.
PS: everyone, look away! Hasz also said that it’s a sin to read this blog because you’re willingly subjecting yourself to “gossip” and “slander”! That’s what he told the graduating interns this weekend…
(and yes, I was at graduation)
C.R. says:
August 11, 2010 at 10:03 AM
It saddens me to read that you had to go through all of that.
The HA doesn’t get the concept of illness and medicine. Its been proven time and time again that their answer to illness and pain is prayer. I am all for praying but I would rather be praying in the doctors office than praying in my bunk after being told I cant go to the doctor. I hate to say this but I think that HA will eventually have an intern die on them because of their actions towards illness.
Nunquam Honorablus says:
August 11, 2010 at 11:26 AM
CR- to my knowledge, they’ve had five interns die in their care, at least three of them accidental.
One was in a car accident near campus, one died of a heart attack during summer missions (he had Giant’s Disease), and one died of a seizure in her sleep (she was epileptic).
I don’t know about the other two, but I think those were tragic accidents as well.
Though I know of at least one case where somebody did come VERY close to death on a GE trip…
Anonymouse says:
August 11, 2010 at 1:00 PM
TM’s answer to illness is prayer. Sure, prayer is VITAL, but not the only thing. We have doctors and medicines, etc. TM has no interest in engaging doctors, to due to the FACT that there are so many things going on that are wrong at the campus.
Anonymous says:
August 11, 2010 at 3:10 PM
I HATE TEEN MANIA.
I HATE YOU DAVE HASZ.
YOU ARE HATED.
Recovering Alumni says:
August 11, 2010 at 10:28 PM
For the record, just b/c I publish a comment doesn’t mean I agree with it. I don’t personally hate Dave Hasz nor do I advocate hating him, or anyone else. But I support this commenter’s right to express their feelings within a recovery environment. If that is how they truly feel, there is no value in suppressing it or hiding it. Its better to acknowledge it.
As has been stated before, within a support group of any kind, members are allowed to state their true feelings without judgment from the other members. That is why I approved that comment.
Shannon Kish says:
August 11, 2010 at 10:54 PM
Argh, NH– I am angered that he would say that at graduation. 1) It will drive more TM lovers here and we will start with the same bs again. 2)It is completely disrespectful of all of us that have been hurt and have found community here.
Courtney, I am incredibly sorry that you went through this BS. I am sorry that you were treated so terribly.
Anonymous says:
August 12, 2010 at 7:45 AM
750 calories/day? The Jews at Auschwitz got more than that.
Courtney says:
August 12, 2010 at 8:33 AM
Shannon,
If it does drive more TM people here (both just graduated and those that have been out for a while) I for one welcome them! I seriously hope they read this entry. We meet them as a fellowship that shows love and honor to them even when they don’t show honor to us. “If I have the faith that can move mountains but have not love I am nothing.” So bring them and welcome read my story read RAs story I pray they meditate on their actual experience at TM and think hard about the things that hurt as well as made them grow. If we as a group show love and understanding to them even when they aren’t with us in our hearts then we have shown our growth. Regardless of how some of us believe now!
Nunquam Honorablus says:
August 12, 2010 at 8:51 AM
But Shannon, that might be a good thing I guess- because most of the interns suckle from the teat of Hasz’s wisdom, they’ll hang on his every word and avoid this site because he SAID it’s a sin. So hey, we’ve got a little bit of time before curiosity overwhelms, right?
Eric P. says:
August 12, 2010 at 2:05 PM
It’s good. Hasz is apparently recognizing that he can’t just ignore this site and hope it will go away. (Maybe he can promise that it will be changed soon? Or say that the site was last updated in 1995? Those seem to be his only other tricks.) This means we are getting them where it counts: Truth.
Those who take Hasz’s words as Gospel will thus avoid the site until the brainwashing starts to wear off, or else they’ll come here out of curiosity and see the truth. Free publicity!
Trolls will mostly be blocked by comment moderation (right?).
Those inclined to rebel against the lies of their abusive leaders (thus showing honor to God) will find their way here and be helped.
God bless the grass!
Madd Hatter says:
August 12, 2010 at 3:10 PM
I can’t say that I’m surprised by Dave Hasz’s comment at graduation. With one face he attempts to tell us that our hurts and concerns are valid. With the other, he tries to tell everyone else in the world that our hurts and concerns are not valid. The irony is that any effort he makes to discredit this site only draws attention to it. If he knew anything about making us “go away” (since he doesn’t seem interested in being held accountable), he would simply ignore us.
It kind of is a positive sign. The fact that he focuses so much attention on us shows that this site has pricked his consience. He may not realize it yet. Then again, he may never realize it.
Carl
