Being a hard worker, I did not mind working in the ministry and feeling like we were making it all happen. This was the case until summer missions season was upon us. 1998 was a big year for mission trips, and since Teen Mania had only been at the campus in Garden Valley for a short while, there was a problem of housing the missionaries during their training before leaving the country. The solution created to address the problem was a series of Quonset huts filled with 3-level high bunk beds from end to end as a kind of a temporary barracks for the missionaries. With only a couple of months before the missionaries arrived, how would these structures be built? Interns were already busily making phone calls, ordering visas, booking plane tickets, and arranging every last detail of the trips from breakfast to supper, when would we do this extra work? It was decided that since our workload would not be decreasing before the missionaries arrived, we would be expected to go after our full workdays into the “back forty” (the woods behind the developed part of the complex) to construct Quonset huts and carry and construct hundreds of bunk beds. Those were LONG, hard days that I remember falling into bed and getting too little sleep as our class work and memorizations had to be done before the day was through. Mornings came early, and quiet times could not be skipped. Never had I dreaded my time with God until this point. It had always been refreshment to me, a pleasure, not a chore. Having my time with God quantified and recorded to fulfill my “LAP” score, and my standing as a “good intern” was yet another red flag for me. I wrestled with feelings that this was not congruent with the spirit of the Lord who had saved me by grace.
Concurrently there seemed to be a consistent trend of interns during this time who were sent home for not fulfilling the expectations of an intern, or for having feelings for members of the opposite gender, or for expressing their opinions too boldly and not being teachable enough. We all kind of feared that if we slipped up that we’d be the next to get sent home to have to explain to all of our sponsors why we had let them down and wasted their money. Again, this undercurrent of needing to fulfill an image to gain the approval and acceptance of TM staff (and God), ran deep and troubled me even more deeply.
Having spent a great deal of time in the woods putting together buildings and bunk beds, I have distinct memories of brushing off the ticks that would fall from the trees onto my fellow interns backs while they were hauling bunk beds. We tried to stay away from the biting red ants, but no one ever mentioned that ticks were a risk in this part of the country. Tick bite prevention was not on anyone’s mind, and we all seemed so focused on keeping a good attitude and working as hard as we could, that insect bites only seemed to detract from cheerfully fulfilling our duties as interns. We were taught to “beat our body and make it our slave.” Weakness was not permissible.
During this time, my body began to weaken. We had been working 16 hour days for several weeks, and getting little sleep. The fact that I felt myself getting ill did not really surprise me, given our routines, but yet I did not feel able to share my struggle, for fear of being thought spiritually immature. I have a distinct memory of waking one morning with a horrible splitting headache and struggling to get to breakfast and chapel. A young man held the door open for me as I walked into chapel and offered the cordial “How are you?” Being quite affected by this headache, and also sometime being too honest, I said, “I’ve got a terrible headache this morning”. His response floored me. No sympathy or condolences, but simply “Why don’t you just claim your healing?” I was taken aback. This was my fault! *I* had not done enough to make God remove my discomfort. Again, it came back to my performance and my spirituality alleviate the discomfort. I knew that this was poisonous teaching, but it was everywhere and I became afraid.
The headache was a precursor to a flu-like malady that rendered me more tired by the day, and unable to fulfill my roles as an intern. I went to the doctor in Lindale and was diagnosed with an enlarged spleen and a quick monospot tested positive. I was told that I had mononucleosis and that my spleen had become so enlarged that I was at risk of rupturing it and bleeding internally. My ribs hurt, and I felt horrible, but how could I be sick without being judged? I went through the motions, pretending that I would be going to work, but laid in bed with a note pinned to the inside of my shirt with my insurance information and the simple message that “If I am unconscious, I am bleeding internally, please call 911.” Alone I laid in bed, terrified that I would die without anyone knowing I was even sick, or that they would find out I was sick and apply the “infirmity=iniquity” argument to my case and condemn me for living in unconfessed sin. It was more than I could take, I called my parents across the country and they agreed to come and take me home. Shortly after (and before my parents even left their state), I began having sharp pains and feared the worst – that my spleen had ruptured. I had to ask one of my roommates with a car to come home and take me to the ER immediately. I also remember making her promise not to judge me or to tell anyone else what was going on. Thankfully she agreed on both accounts, and I ended up spending the day in the hospital on IV fluids and undergoing testing to ensure that my spleen was still intact (it was! Just really painful!). The rest of the details are fuzzy to me as I was so fatigued during that time that I was sleeping a lot. I do remember that my parents came swiftly and gathered my things while my roommates were on their mission trips and away at work. I never told my story to more than a small handful of trusted friends who promised not to pass judgment or tell. And just like that, my internship experience was over.
The time following the internship led me to a lot of self-doubt and wondering what I really did believe. Was there validity in what the Teen Mania Interns were being taught? Who was God, and was he really so formulaic, and impressed by my claims for healing? Why were there so many sick people in the world if this was the way it really worked? Why did this not line up with the mercy, grace and joy in following God that I had been taught? My mother was certain that my illness was God’s way of allowing me to escape Teen Mania, and I have to say that I’m inclined to believe the same.
Fast forward 13 years. I have dealt with chronic and variable aches, pains, migraines, double vision, tremors, muscular weakness, hormone problems, GI issues, and the like since that time. Numerous doctors have been unable to diagnose, but we know that it all started with the “mono” case at TM. After dozens of doctors, and what seems like hundreds of blood tests, and many inconclusive diagnoses (such as Chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, depression, etc) I now know that while working in the woods at Teen Mania, one of the distinctive “Lone Star Ticks” that fell from the trees in such great quantity, bit my ankle. I developed a small cyst on my ankle following that time at TM and was unable to figure out a cause, until my doctor diagnosed it as a dermato fibroma, caused by a tick mouth or body lodged in my skin. I was tested for Lyme and its co-infections and first tested positive for Ehrlichia Chaffeensis. This is a rare co-infection that is carried by the Lone Star Tick that resides primarily in Texas (I have only been in Colorado since and we have no such tick-borne illness here). My test for Lyme/Borreliosis came back positive shortly after. The mono diagnosis had, in fact, been a mis-diagnosis. I suffered with chronic illness for 13 years with no diagnosis, and all along it had been my time at Teen Mania and the ignorance of the dangers of not listening to your body that had caused it.
I am currently in treatment for Lyme/Borreliosis/Ehrlichia Chaffeensis, and very ill from the medication and the advanced stage of this disease. In addition to my health, this disease has also cost me tens of thousands of dollars spent on treatment. There is so much I wish I could tell interns today and then. I wish so much that we had been warned of the dangers of ticks (especially those of us who were completely unaware of the dangers ticks present), that we had been encouraged to listen to our bodies instead of “beating them and making them our slaves,” but mostly I wish that we had shared in the knowledge and the joy of being loved unconditionally by a gracious God because THAT makes all the difference.
20 comments:
I am glad you are finally getting the correct treatment. I am so sorry that the ignorance of the staff there and their willingness to let kids do things that are physically above and beyond any healthy work load. *HUGS*
I am sorry that you had to go through that at TM and to spend a thousands on finding the correct treatment for your illness. TM’s ignorance of the risks involved in having so many people intern there shows a supreme lack of the necessary wisdom involved in serving the Lord. We are not to count the cost in serving Him. Not to mention, Christians are to serve Him out of their thankfulness to Him, not out of compulsion.
wait
so if I punch Dave Hasz in the face
I can tell him
to “claim his healing”?
It’s… it’s that easy?
More direct and takes significantly less time than something as terrible as an undiagnosed tick bite, but it gets the point across.
Does anyone know whether the HA teaches interns about what to look for as far as ticks are concerned now? I live in the South, so I was already familiar with them, how to remove them, and to save removed ones in a plastic bag with the date it was removed in the event you develop flu like symptoms so it can be tested for Lymes. Since many people who come to the HA come from places where ticks aren’t indigenous, it seems like they should be teaching new interns about safety concerning all the insects they will encounter at TM.
What amazes me is your perseverance, and the strength of your spirit, your ability to think critically and independently that saved you (maybe literally your life) and the God who would not let himself be distorted in your mind by the erroneous teaching and suppression of your spirit that you faced there.
LW, I really appreciate your comment. Without being overly proud, I would say that I agree with you. I remember watching in wonder as so many other interns parroted what they had heard without thinking critically in terms of the whole of scripture and its conflict with some of the things they were regurgitating without much discernment. I even remember a particular chapel when a TM staffer got up and spoke about “being careful what you claim in worship”, speaking specifically about the song “Lord Light the Fire Again”. She said that we should not be “claiming” the line that says, “naked and poor, wretched and blind I come”. How odd it struck me that when I actually read the verse in Revelations on which this song was written, that it would be considered wrong to “claim in worship”, what was clearly in scripture, and in proper context in this song.
It makes me sad that these things are being done “in Jesus’ name”, but I find comfort in the fact that there is enough grace for EVERYONE to be forgiven, even those who have hurt us and led us astray.
I am legitimately sorry for your current condition. I am. However, please put the blame where the blame is due. The blame may not be on you totally, but it surely isn’t on TM. They simply can not be held responsible for not educating you on ticks.
Anon, yeah they can when they bring people into an area that HAS ticks and not all of them even know what they ARE they do have a responsibility for the health and safety of the people in their care!
Anon – You have got to be kidding me. Any wilderness retreat worth a lick would educate the people in their care before doing wilderness activities. It’s called basic safety.
Nope. not kidding. At some point we have to take responsibility for our own actions and environments. It’s not like information and knowledge about ticks is so esoteric that nobody knows about them at all.
That doesn’t change what happened. This girl needs our prayers and support for sure.
Anon 12:48 that’s stupid if I had a friend from Southern California for example who never lived in the midwest with me at my home and we went hiking in a neighboring woods or near the nearby lake it would be MY responsibility to know if that snake over there is a water moccasin or a common garden snake or if that yellow and black spider over on that leaf will make her sick kill her or just give her a welt if it bites her. Similarly to those things a business that is taking people out of their normal environment and into an area they may know very little about (heck I know people who live in cities who have never been far enough out to go into a real woods). It is the responsibility of the business to tell those people about the dangers OF those areas such as hey there are TICKS in our woods they can cause Lyme Disease, this is what are the tell tale symptoms OF Lyme Disease. It would not be hard for Teen Mania to implement a health and wellness section to the Gauntlet week program in which they explain things like ticks what spiders, snakes ect are native to the area, and also how to deal with dehydration and the symptoms(common in Texas heat) or severe exhaustion when changing your schedule so significantly! These would be common sense solutions that as of right now Teen Mania has shown no interest in giving to it’s charges. If you are spending between $800 and $1500 a month to live there (depending on what program you are in) they have a responsibility to insure some level of safety for their charges!
@ Anon ~
You’re just silly.
“You should know this without anyone telling you. Why? Because you just SHOULD.”
Uh, nope.
When I was there TM brought in a police officer to go over some of the rules of driving in Tx since we came from all over and may not be familiar… SAME THING! Give kids a fuckin clue what they are up against in any situation. Safety First Fire Marshall Bill!
Anon I cannot believe you are blaming her for not knowing things about ticks. Even if she did, the shame that is placed on not being able to “claim your healing” or even mentioning something isn’t right would keep the sickness from being untreated anyways.
Lisa, I totally agree with you. But the only reason TM brought in a Police Officer to go over the rules of driving in TX is so that TM wouldn’t somehow get sued. There was huge talk about interns getting hurt in accidents while on the property, or driving the TM vans. If TM doesn’t see that something will serve their own purpose, they don’t care about it. They don’t care if there are a few casualties along the way. As long as it doesn’t impact them financially. Is it too late for Grace to sue? Then maybe they’d pay attention.
To Anon at 9:59 asking me to put “blame where blame is due”. At which point in my story have I blamed Teen Mania for being bitten by a tick? It seems to me that whomever you are, you are a little on the overly defensive side as no such blame was made. I voiced a “wish” that I had known and TM had cared to protect in educating about ticks. Life is hard. I know this full well. It is neither my own fault or the fault of Teen Mania that a dangerous arachnid bit me and I fell ill. I do think however, that the culture surrounding illness at TM lends itself to one feeling loved or safe in their time of pain. Also, in all healthy relationships where one party cares for another’s well being, there should be consideration of what could be done to avoid hurt and to protect in future situations. This did not seem to be the spirit in which you posted. I do not know whether you are a current agent of Teen Mania, but I kindly request that if you are, to please think about ways to care for and protect others from the pain that I have endured. I believe it would require very little to educate, and its impact may save a life.
Grace –
It sounds that despite the false teaching from TM and sickness you’ve continue to view God as gracious and loving. That is truly inspiring and encouraging to me! Thank-you for sharing.
oh, grace. how i could relate to your thinking while reading this. the crazy amount of FEAR you feel at the ha regarding disappointing people by not living up to some crazy standard of being a “good” christian! “good” christians do not ever get sick or experience anything other than complete and total bliss in life. they are happy and joyful and everyone likes them because they are just like jesus. they don’t even need sleep! their bodies have become spiritual robots that can magically function without the poor limitations that other lesser “christians” have. and if you say or do anything that might make you appear as anything but this “ideal robot christian,” you are automatically blamed and judged. and of course when you are in the bubble, it seems like the end of the world to be blamed and judged. it makes you feel like you are a failure. at. life.
i’m so glad you are now getting medical treatment! praise god for that! i’m so sorry this happened to you! i hope teen mania revolutionizes their program to teach love, rather than judgment. mercy rather than legalism. and kindness rather than spiritual snobbery.
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