Hannah’s Story: Part 3

A day or two after I got back home, ESOAL finished and Heath Stoner called me. He asked me why I left the HA and said that because of our previous meeting he thought we were, “on the same page.” Of course, when you isolate me in a room all day by myself and then badger me for information, what did you expect? But Heath is very, very convincing. I was already afraid that because I left the HA, I had screwed up my whole life. Heath convinced me that I should not have left and that RA had tricked me. Plus, when I got back home my parents couldn’t pay their rent and were about to get put on the streets. I figured that it was either sleeping on the streets or go back to the HA. Heath paid for me to fly back to the HA but first indicated that I needed to call the local news and take back my interview. I tried, but it was too late and the interview aired anyway. (And I was secretly glad about that)

I knew what I was going back into and that the next year would be very difficult – so on the day I went back I got wasted, smoked some weed and took some Xanax. I can’t even remember that day except for the fact that I missed my first two flights. My dorm director picked me up from the airport but I don’t even remember it. The next day she said, “You smell funny and your eyes were really red.”

When I got back to campus, it was a little weird. Heath told me I would have to go up in front of everyone and apologize during chapel. Right before that, he played the video clip with my interview, which made it extra uncomfortable for me and I did not appreciate that. He questioned me in front of everyone and tried to make RA look like a really bad person. Then I had to apologize. After that, some people wouldn’t speak to me. The girls in my core didn’t trust me. Some people on campus thought I was secretly spying for RA.

One night, for our “core night” they told us to dress in clothes that could get dirty. The core advisor put on a beautiful prom dress and then took us out to one of the ponds on campus. Then she jumped in and said, “This symbolizes your relationship with God. Its going to be hard and you are going to have to do things you don’t want to do. You have to be willing to go the distance like people who are martyred.” We were all supposed to jump in the pond and it was supposed to represent that we were serious about our commitment to God. I think there were only 1-2 people that did not jump in the pond. The pond is totally unsanitary and it gave me a serious and very painful staph infection in the wound in my arm. Now, my doctor says that I might have to have surgery again because of the way the infection has spread. Also, the infection might have gone to my heart because I am currently having severe chest pain. He wants me to come in for a sonogram and some more blood work so he can diagnose it and see if its related to the staph infection in my arm.

Looking back now, I see that the only reason Heath wanted me to come back is because he was trying to get to RA. I feel like he was using me as a pawn and I was getting sick of it. I’ve already been through that kind of thing growing up. He would bring me into his office almost every single day. At first, he would pretend like he cared about me and ask me about my day, etc, but then he would always get to the real reason for our meeting – trying to get information about RA. At this point, I wasn’t even talking to her anymore. I was really trying my best to make life at the HA work. I wasn’t breaking any rules, I quit smoking, I was doing all the requirements. Finally, I just got fed up with everything. I asked him, if he wanted me to move on, then why did he keeping bringing up the same topic over and over? He said that he just wanted to make sure that RA “didn’t get to me.”

Finally, after a few weeks of this I just got really burned out. I started smoking again and when my dorm director found out, long story short – I was dismissed. And I was glad that it was over.

The only thing that worries me is I will lose my HA friends. One night I was having a really rough time because of some family drama, so I called one of my friends at the HA and I said, “Can you talk to me?” She said, “Why don’t you just talk to God and read your Bible.” I feel like because I have posted my story my friends at he HA will not understand and they will no longer want to be my friend. But I figure its worth it, I am not blogging to offended anybody I just want people to be aware of what really happens at the HA.I just want other people who may have had a bad experience to know that they are not alone and that it’s not their fault. The HA has affected so many aspects of my life. I feel so unworthy and so broken. I feel like if what I experienced at the HA is what Gods love is really like than I don’t want it. I went to the HA looking to draw closer to the Lord and now I find myself the farthest away from God than I ever been. Overall, I feel like I lost myself – the HA had an opinion, my family had an opinion, my friends had an opinion, RA had an opinion – and I lost what I wanted. I had so many voices screaming in my head but no time or ability to be able to make my own decisions. But I have hope in one thing that God will bring healing to my life and He will use my HA experience to help others who are or were in my position.