To understand my Honor Academy Experience best I will share some defining moments in my life before I lived on the Teen Mania campus. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. During the divorce my mother had temporary custody. At that same time I began to fall in love with Jesus. In those extremely difficult years she taught my older brother, younger sister, and myself to hate who she termed our “strange, religious, and evil” father. All that she taught us was far from the truth. She continually attempted to gain control of us mentally. She brainwashed and trained us to repeat phrases about dad that weren’t true to the therapists and judge. She did all of this not because she loved us, but because of the money she would be awarded by gaining legal custody of us. All of this manipulation worked for awhile, but God is faithful and my tiny conscience was working overtime. In my heart I just KNEW that this was not right. I openly addressed these things with my dad. He told me something very important that day, “Honey, what matters is the truth, everything else fades”. My sanity was spared to me as a 7 year old child because I learned to discern situations and statements with the desire that truth, the most beautiful thing, will prevail.
After Dad gained custody of us it took years for us to warm up to him again. Although God spared our lives we did not come through this trial unscathed. A lot of mental and emotional damage can happen to a vulnerable child over the course of a year.
My dad had been operating our family dairy farm with our grandparents, and a few years after the divorce my grandmother died of breast cancer. My dad became very passionate about turning our farm organic because of all he was learning about pesticides and their link to cancer. It was so hard to lose the women in my life. I just wanted to be loved and accepted by an older Christian woman. I was looking for a mom. I was very depressed from all the head games my mom would still play, and they only became worse with time. Thankfully, I went to a counselor who helped calm the intensity of my sadness. I also went to Jesus a couple times a day whenever I felt alone. In middle school I blossomed into a beautiful, witty, fun-loving, and Godly woman. I learned that when I visited the elderly, tutored children, and worked with the mentally handicapped that my heart was alive for the first time in my life. I loved the outdoors and thrived on conversations about Jesus. I shared God’s faithful love for others out of a deep compassion for souls. I went to the ATF and thought the HA would be a great place for formation of my faith, and I hoped for healing from the wounds of the past.
The Honor Academy
Like many others I entered the Honor Academy immediately after my first summer mission trip, and was hurled into the ACA position. During Gauntlet week I got a serious form of diarrhea for which I had to see a doctor. This was the first time I ever went to a doctor for being sick. They ruled out parasites and told me I was dehydrated. I was given strict orders to rest and drink a lot of water until I was better. I felt bad that I couldn’t be involved in the activities, yet I knew that more rest now meant a quicker recovery. Nicki, the staff ACA leader, found me at one point during the week and abruptly told me I wasn’t with my Core enough. She didn’t notice that I was about to fall over from exhaustion or that I was living in the infirmary. She told me that I wasn’t being a good ACA.
One of my roommates was very angry at me because she wasn’t picked to be an ACA. She was freely able to maltreat me with no consequence because, as the room leader, I was to be the “bigger” person. She never spoke directly to me and would ask others to speak to me when we were all in the room. In her perspective I could do nothing right. Either I was around too much or I wasn’t around enough. I was too loud, had too many friends, was too busy on outreaches, slept too much, stayed up too late, laughed too loudly. I reminded her of somebody in the past who she hated. Unable to handle the scrutiny I spoke to my CA about this and she did nothing. Feeling abandoned by my leaders I had a breakdown. My CA was unresponsive and Nicki was out of town, so I spoke with the ACA’s in our core about my abusive roommate. We felt a tremendous sense of teamwork after coming up with what we thought was an excellent plan to resolve the situation. .
Upon her return Nicki learned of our plan through our CA. She sent me a sharp confidential email. She wanted a meeting. I was before the judgment seat of Nicki. I was a bad ACA, wrong in all that I did, and it was time for me to be demoted to the position of “normal intern.” Instead of training me, I was being shamed. She made it clear that there is no excuse for not being perfect, or not knowing the unwritten rules. An intern of 2 months should know the rules. She informed me that I had broken an unwritten law by speaking to my peer leaders about the situation rather than directly to her. And the clincher was: I was not to speak to anybody about this meeting.
I felt so bound, the same abuse that my mom had given me was now being used in the name of God. I was moved to a new room which created anger in the core for a number of reasons but let’s just say I wasn’t welcomed into my new room. I felt like I had to avoid going and being there, an outcast in my own bedroom.
30 comments:
Shannon Kishsays:April 12, 2010 at 8:33 AMReply
Jaquline,
I am so sorry that you had to endure this. This was horrible.
gc1998says:April 12, 2010 at 9:01 AMReply
this story makes me super angry…and it makes my heart hurt for you. i’m so sorry you experienced this. 🙁
Anonymoussays:April 12, 2010 at 9:10 AMReply
“A lot of mental and emotional damage can happen to a vulnerable child over the course of a year.”
No kidding.
Anonymoussays:April 12, 2010 at 10:05 AMReply
Nicki was one of the reasons I hated being in leadership. It was sickening how much stock she put into the exterior/human actions and how little she cared for the person on the inside.
Eric P.says:April 12, 2010 at 10:25 AMReply
Next time I think that Spiritual Abuse might be a bit too strong of a term for it, I’m coming right back to this story. Abuse is abuse is abuse.
I am so sorry that you had to go through all this, Jacqueline, and I am absolutely furious that you had to go through this in the name of Jesus (Who, as I really hope the next part of your story will show, is totally about the exact opposite of everything here!).
Shilohsays:April 12, 2010 at 10:52 AMReply
Wow.
That’s all I can say. I’m with Eric. Sometimes I’m like, ‘oh, maybe the H.A. wasn’t really THAT bad and a lot of the stuff that happened was actually more my fault than theirs.’ Then I read these kinds of stories.
This BROKE MY HEART.
I’m so hurt right now reading this. All I can say is, it didn’t just happen to you. You definitely ARE: good enough, strong enough, smart enough, wise enough. You have EVERYTHING in you to be a GOOD leader. You’re enough. The H.A. is full of psycho’s for real.
Carolsays:April 12, 2010 at 10:58 AMReply
Holy cow – I am thankful that I was at the HA before things like this really started to happen. We had our own issues, but I never experienced anything like this. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this at the HA, especially after experiencing spiritual abuse throughout your young life.
The HA SHOULD have been a safe place, a place to grow and flourish. Instead, it became quite the opposite, and I’m sorry that it was. It breaks my heart that you had to go through this. Many hugs and much support coming your way.
carriesays:April 12, 2010 at 12:00 PMReply
i’m so sorry this happened to you. i’m also very sorry you had such a difficult time with nicki. i also had a difficult time with her…i don’t think TM really gets how much they hurt people when they ask them to be perfect and keep silent.
Shannon Kishsays:April 12, 2010 at 12:57 PMReply
Carrie,
A lot of people don’t realize how hurt they have been by having to keep quiet and be perfect until years later.
I still deal with a lot of fear of failure. I fear that if I fail I will somehow be less of a person. Failure is a very very broad term in my life, unfortunately, and so there are areas where I constantly feel like a failure.
Moriahsays:April 12, 2010 at 1:03 PMReply
Teen Mania is unprofessional and amateur when it comes to really counseling or advising young people. They are authoritative without having the educational or professional credentials to back them up, and they end up hurting those they claim they are trying to help.
Moriah
kristensays:April 12, 2010 at 1:23 PMReply
jacqueline,
my heart hurts for you. i’m so so sorry you had to deal with this. you are not alone in your feelings and experiences, and you are welcome here.
thinking of you today.
Layne Tannersays:April 12, 2010 at 2:35 PMReply
Moriah,
You are right on. I had too many instances where the woman in charge of my “spiritual guidance” and general well-being let me know in no uncertain terms that I was “not good enough” for whatever reason (dip your hand into the spiritual grab-bag of deficiencies and read the card…fear of failure, independent to a fault, inability to trust, rebellious heart, will not submit to spiritual authority, etc… and I’m sure your can crunch them into fitting at the end of the phrase “you’re not getting it and you feel awkward because ________”. Tadaaa! Now please leave, I am very important and have somewhere else to be…). I think the only reason I made it through the internship at all was because this particular individual finally left TM to become (I think) an assistant pastor at her home church.
She was not a bad person, just way way way under-qualified to be speaking into and about my life like that. For some stupid reason, at the beginning at least, I thought I was supposed to spend a lot of time crying and feeling inadequate. I thought the “breaking down” was just a part of the process. Scary, huh.
Candorsays:April 12, 2010 at 3:15 PMReply
Moriah hit the nail on the head! “Teen Mania is unprofessional and amateur when it comes to really counseling or advising young people. They are authoritative without having the educational or professional credentials to back them up, and they end up hurting those they claim they are trying to help.”
Jacqueline,
I’m so sorry what you had to go through. You absolutely did not deserve that. My heart hurts for you.
(And BTW – I remember a lot of things about the way N.B. treated people and none of them are favorable. I don’t have any words to describe her any more perfectly than “bitch.”
Carolsays:April 12, 2010 at 3:24 PMReply
Does this Nikki chick still work at TM?
Jacquelinesays:April 12, 2010 at 3:27 PMReply
Recounting the story in detail has brought tremendously intense emotions to the surface, I feel overwhelmed.
Thank you for your encouragement.
Still enraged that all of this was done in the name of Jesus.
Anonymoussays:April 12, 2010 at 3:46 PMReply
Interesting– her husband is an alumnus– there is absolutely no detail whatsoever about him on the alumni site. Fishy at all?
Nunquam Honorablussays:April 12, 2010 at 4:04 PMReply
Candor- somebody had to say it. If you didn’t, I was totally going to.
kristensays:April 12, 2010 at 4:07 PMReply
carol,
i don’t think that she does… i think she moved a few years ago.
moriah,
i can definitely relate to your comment of thinking that “breaking down was part of the process”. i thought that too…
Anonymoussays:April 12, 2010 at 4:39 PMReply
I wonder if the “women in leadership” were becoming abusive because they were expected to respond to the pressure like men? I mean think of all the nice women police officers, postal workers, DMV workers, and of course custom officers! Seriously these women exude so much rage. . . a lot like teen mania women leadership. Whereas I have seen guys generally seem a lot more chill. . .
Anonymoussays:April 12, 2010 at 6:08 PMReply
I’m so sorry you had to go through that! It makes me so upset to read your post.
Nikki was known for treating people terribly. She greatly intimated me (I’m not the kind to get intimidated easily), and I definitely tried to stay out of her way. Thank goodness she wasn’t my advisor.
Her husband Chris also did not treat people well. My husband was treated terribly by him for over 2 months due to a situation that was absolutely ridiculous.
hitchcockhillsays:April 12, 2010 at 8:13 PMReply
OMIGOD! The suspense. I think all these Teen Mania horror stories would make a great TV drama show on the CW, right? Think Gossip Girl meets the 700 Club.
Ugh. My least favorite part is having to wait for part 2 of a post. Can’t someone’s story just be in one post? I can’t handle the suspense!
And to Jacqueline – this sort of behavior from your intern peers is so dumb and ridiculous.
Candorsays:April 12, 2010 at 9:48 PMReply
Hitchcockhill – “Think Gossip Girl meets the 700 Club.” Hahahahahahahah. I can’t deny that it would actually be entertaining to watch. But the saddest part is that THOSE THINGS REALLY HAPPENED. You wouldn’t have to write any fiction into the scripts to exaggerate them.
And you need to relax on your suspense! GLEE is on in only 2 more days. Keep it together until Wednesday 9:28 Eastern Standard Time.
Candorsays:April 12, 2010 at 9:50 PMReply
Whoops. HUGE MISTAKE!! GLEE is on tomorrow, Wednesday, at 9:28 EST
hitchcockhillsays:April 12, 2010 at 9:50 PMReply
Candor – you’re the one who needs to get things together. What planet are you living on? GLEE is on TOMORROW night. Tuesday. Geesh. Let’s see I must make this comment somewhat related to this discussion so it won’t be deleted. I’d possibily consider supporting TMM one day again if Sue Sylvester was on the TMM Board of Directors.
Candorsays:April 12, 2010 at 10:30 PMReply
Whoops. HUGE MISTAKE!! GLEE is on tomorrow, TUESDAY, at 9:28 EST. Guess it’s just backlash for calling N.B. the b word.
Micheal McCOmbersays:April 13, 2010 at 12:22 AMReply
and that is how Sue C’s it
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
MM
Anonymoussays:April 18, 2010 at 7:56 PMReply
I’m so sorry Jacqueline that you went through this. Reading these posts have brought some things to the surface that I hadn’t thought about in years. I didn’t realize the spiritual abuse that I had encountered until I left the HA.
I was an ACA, on the Honor Council, a leader of the dance team, an AA and so much more but I never really felt good enough. I always felt condemned. I began to question if I was in the will of God and at times if I was even saved.
This caused me to struggle with condemnation and trying to please people vs. pleasing God. I lost myself and Christ is beginning to restore me.
Prior to HA I was on fire for God and in hot pursuit of knowing Him. I feel that in a matter of a year that was stripped away.
Thank God for restoration
Jacquelinesays:April 19, 2010 at 8:22 AMReply
Anonymous– I’m also terribly sorry you went through that! May God bless you and bind you up in his loving arms! Matthew 12:20 for you,
He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. Finally he will cause justice to be victorious.
Brad Ksays:September 22, 2010 at 12:23 AMReply
Thank God for truth–and eventual clarity–amidst the insanity of lies, pretense, and manipulation within our absolutely f*cked forms of Christianity.
I read–and experience–stories like these, and it’s amazing to think of all the people who want to be better Chrsitians as defined by “more like Christ.” Because clearly, no one’s listening to what He’s trying to say at all.
And then there’s that whole “it’s not a religion; it’s a relationship” clause… what bullshite! It’s all about conforming to a moral, honorable code where love and understanding–not to mention, HONESTY AND TRANSPARENCY–are somewhere underneath a rug of rubbish, but because we know they’re still in the room somewhere, we can justify anything that we do as leadership or (God forbid) the “Will of God.”
Jenni Psays:September 24, 2010 at 3:43 PMReply
Nikki always seemed cold to me, but I never would have fathomed her capable of such treatment. (I have absolutely no doubt of your recall here, though.) I seem to have been blessed in my placement, as my ACAs and CAs genuinely loved me, as did my DI. Though I was in the middle of falling in love with my eventual husband, most of the leaders over me struck a great balance between keeping me accountable to the pledge I had made, without condemning me for feelings and desires that not only were not wrong, they couldn’t be helped.
I did notice, however, that not all female cores seemed to be as close and loving towards each other as mine, and I did wonder why I could distinctly feel hostile environments, (lacking freedom in Christ, and abounding in legalism) in some of the rooms I visited.
I am so grateful that this horrible abuse from those who call themselves by Christ’s name did not cause you to reject Christ Himself. You are such a beautiful woman, in so many ways. *hugs*