PROLOGUE
I came to the Honor Academy with issues. I brought a lot of baggage with me, as does every intern that has had to make their way in this broken world for 17+ years. I don’t think that the leadership at the Honor Academy fully understands this. They say they do, but the infrastructure seems to be designed according to the philosophy that we are essentially blank slates when we show up for gauntlet; that by removing us from the life and culture we came from, they are hitting our “reset” button. This is evidenced by the fact that there is only one certified counselor employed by TM, and by the fact that they put young adults–many of whom are not even out of their teens–who have been with them for a year in a place of spiritual authority over the fresh new interns. Also by the fact that they have a very strict, blanket procedure for managing the development of every intern.
I do not hold Teen Mania Ministries responsible for any of the issues I already had when I became an intern, and I just want to make that clear before I tell my story. I’m not playing the blame game. I’m not asking for an apology, or looking for retribution. I’m not scarred by my experiences, and I’ve put the things that have happened to me, both good and bad, behind me by now. However, I still feel compelled to tell my story because there were many things about the program that were very hurtful and confusing at the time, and I wasn’t the only one to experience them. Others may be more severely affected by those things than I was. Some things have changed for the better since I was an intern, and for that I am very thankful, but many things have not. This, in my opinion (whatever that’s worth), is because there are underlying philosophies pervading every aspect of the Honor Academy’s function and form that are incorrect at best, and damaging at worst. I know that these philosophies still guide the decision-making of Dave Hasz and the rest of the Honor Academy leadership. It’s my hope that, by adding my voice to the fray, there will be more evidence to the fact of this faulty philosophy and how it is causing damage to the body of Christ. Perhaps, if there are enough voices, the powers that be will finally listen, and things will change.
IN THE BEGINNING
As a teenager, I was IN LOVE with all things Teen Mania. I attended Acquire the Fire every year, responded to all the altar calls, committed to all of the challenges Ron Luce would present in his sermons, went to breakouts, and would come home loaded with merchandise, including whatever devotional and worship album was being hawked that year. For months I would anticipate ATF, counting down the days and watching the trailers for each year’s tour over and over. It was always the highlight of my year. As a VERY sheltered kid with few social opportunities and a tendency toward depression/anxiety, I had very little to look forward to. Ron Luce, in all of his fervent, manic glory, was like a drug to me. I thought that he was what a “sold out” Christian was supposed to look like, and I so desperately wanted to be that. I had a very weak sense of identity. I tried so hard to stay “on fire” for God throughout the year, but I always failed. Our ATF was usually in March, and by May I’d have lost those euphoric feelings and so I would assume that I had failed to be what God wanted me to be. I never was able to be a “World Changer”. I would pray for hours and beg God to reveal himself to me, and nothing would happen. I assumed it was something I had done wrong. Eventually, however, ATF would roll around again and set my world upright once more.
I always knew I would go to be an intern after high school. Interns had what I wanted. They were part of something bigger than themselves, and seemed to have so much enthusiasm and energy. They spoke in acronyms and insider phrases, and I wanted to be an insider, wanted to be part of the TM family. I also believed that once I got to the Honor Academy I would finally learn the secret of maintaining my “fire”. I would finally learn to hear God’s voice, and He would finally tell me what His plan was for my life–a topic that caused a ridiculous amount of stress for me. I would learn how to be a leader and I would accomplish great things for God. I realize now how desperate I was for validation, and how strong a motivator that need was in my decision to become an intern, but of course I didn’t realize it then; I was only 18. All I knew was what I was told over and over again by Teen Mania: that unless I felt God specifically calling me to somewhere else after high school, then the Honor Academy is where He wanted me to be. (A point I’d like to make: this line is still being used by those in charge of marketing the Honor Academy, and by the MOB. But whenever someone voices a bad experience there, the official response is that not everyone is equipped to handle the rigors of the program. Which is it? They tell us that it is God’s will, and then scold us for believing them rather than seeking His will for ourselves. This is unfair and illogical.)
Everyone at my church knew I would attend the Honor Academy, too. Despite my psychological fragility, I was a leader in youth group. I led worship, I preached, I co-led a drama team, etc. etc. I was “Super Youth Group Kid”. I was smart and always won sword drills and could quote more scriptures than anybody. I really, honestly, truly wanted to love and serve God. I can’t stress that enough. I didn’t go to the Honor Academy with impure motives. I wanted to do right and to impact the world for Christ. Mostly I wanted to be able to resolve the cognitive dissonance that perpetually plagued me–I wanted to actually FEEL like the leader everyone said I was.
I officially joined the Honor Academy in August of 2001. It was an enormously proud day for me and my family.
I felt that I was prepared for what awaited me at that isolated compound in East Texas. I had asked so many questions of my mobilizer, so I already knew about gauntlet, many of the retreats, the ring banquet, etc. The rules were not a big deal to me, as I had been under even more rules living at home. Gauntlet was a challenge, but one I embraced with gusto. All the hard stuff was going to help me grow. At the end of gauntlet we were divided into our cores. I was shoved into a tiny room in Green Hall with 5 other girls, but I didn’t complain. The dorm was filthy and falling apart, but that was just part of the sacrifice I had chosen to make and it was a small one compared to the sacrifice Christ made on the cross. (Dorm-life has vastly improved since I was there, FYI. Fewer interns per room, the furniture is much nicer, things have been fixed up, etc.) I was just gung-ho about everything. I started out with so much enthusiasm, but eventually, all the requirements, the lack of sleep, the contrived ceremonial atmosphere that encompassed everything from core meetings to LTEs, etc., started to wear me out. I started to wonder if every single thing instituted by Teen Mania or spoken by Dave Hasz really came directly from the mouth of God. (I wasn’t questioning the ministry as a whole, mind you; just certain aspects of it).
MY FIRST EVALUATION
Both my CA and my ACA (especially my ACA) had very driven, Type-A personalities. Everything was very simple and black-and-white to them. They had trouble understanding those, like myself, who weren’t like them. My ACA didn’t have much tolerance for those of us who didn’t have as much discipline as she did, or who just weren’t built to take on all the extra responsibilities that she could. Both of them were pretty legalistic. (To her credit, my ACA had lightened up quite a bit by the end of the year. She apologized to the room for the lack of grace she’d had when dealing with us.) At first, I was eager to bond with them and learn from them, but I quickly learned to keep my distance. In core, we were always encouraged to be open and real with each other, but sometimes, my openness would be used against me. Biblical questions I had would be seen as evidence of a lack of faith. Questions concerning certain rules or ministry decisions/attitudes were considered rebellion. Depression was okay as long as I got over it quickly once someone had prayed with me. If not, then I lacked spiritual maturity. And on and on. With my CA and ACA, I never got the feeling that who I was was okay. I think their motives weren’t BAD, exactly. They truly wanted what was best for me, but their main responsibility was to oversee my spiritual growth and development, and I felt like they were so focused on that goal that they never really SAW me. They made superficial judgments about my character without knowing anything about my soul. Anytime I hung out with them, or any time I spoke up in core meetings or room meetings, I felt like I was being scrutinized and judged. Anything I said could and would be used against me when our monthly spiritual evals rolled around. So I learned to keep them at arm’s length. I need to point out the fact that I was NOT perfect. I was a little bit awkward, and a LOT insecure. I was a little immature. I lacked self-discipline. Nevertheless, despite my flaws, I truly wanted to succeed at the HA. I tried to be submissive and obedient, even when I didn’t understand, or flat out disagreed with, decisions passed down to us from leadership. I wanted to know God and to please him. I wanted to grow, wanted to learn. I wanted to be a leader. I wanted to change the world. (It is a mistake, I think, for TM to give so much authority to young kids who’ve had inadequate training and NO real life experience. Interns are told to submit to their CAs as their spiritual authority, which leaves so much room for abuse and neglect to happen, even if only due to inexperience or over-zealousness.)
15 comments:
I like this!!!
End.
*Waiting for part two.November 8, 2010 7:56 AM
Shannon Kish said…
Thank you for sharing your story Jamie. I lived in Green Hall my first semester. I was a January 2001. I am sure I know you but cannot place you at the momentNovember 8, 2010 8:41 AM
Anonymous said…This post has been removed by a blog administrator.November 8, 2010 9:04 AM
phoenix said…
Anon – that’s just rude.November 8, 2010 9:11 AM
heartsfire said…
Jamie *HUGS* I do agree that I don’t think the leadership understands what teenage life is like. I have to wonder how they think they do. I work with a similar aged population at a university and the world they grew up in is very different than my own even though I am 10 years or less older than them. It makes me very worried for interns in general.November 8, 2010 9:33 AM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
Actually, Anon’s comment is pretty telling.
Parents- send your kid to Teen Mania, and they risk coming back like… that.
Now obviously, there are many people who come out of the HA that actually have a sense of mercy.
But as someone who’s been through the program, and at one point felt the same was as our Anonymous friend, I can’t guarantee that favorable results are all that probable.
Then again, I think this is indicative of a bigger issue at hand. By and large, Christians don’t seem to have the overall capacity to care about abuse, but that’s a musing for another day.November 8, 2010 9:34 AM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
… which ties into Jamie’s testimony here. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
It’s fascinating, really. For all this time, I’ve written TM off as an organization with a staggering disinterest in basic psychology.
HOWEVER
It’s pretty interesting to note how easily teens fall into the “learn how to be a REAL Christian” trap.
Well-intending youth leaders often hammer down about “lukewarmness” or not being totally “sold-out”.
Youth are riddled with guilt over not being “radical” enough.
Youth attend an emotionally-charged event, filled with mindgames about every little secret sin you’ve ever done, and the arena fills with weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Youth develop an emotional high, carefully labeled as a “fire”, which they are fiercely instructed not to lose.
When the high is gone, Youth slink back into guilt.
ATF is here to save the day again!
Bam. Hooked.
Think about how elated teens are with the promise of “the HA is pretty much like a year-long ATF”. . .November 8, 2010 9:42 AM
TempAnon said…
The grammatical issues are starting to be a tell: I’m pretty sure we have one Anon commenting on a bunch of posts. Is it statesmanlike to never use punctuation?November 8, 2010 9:45 AM
Currentandfake intern said…This post has been removed by a blog administrator.November 8, 2010 10:11 AM
Jeremy said…
Question RA….why do you remove those post. why don’t you leave them be…let the fools to be shown as fools. you obviously have an army backing you and those who would seek refuge here so there would be no worry of being hurt by the unintelligent and foolish comments these interns post on here. I mean let them say what they want, there the ones who will look like complete jackasses in the end right?November 8, 2010 2:07 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
Jeremy – Yes, I leave them up on some posts. But when someone is being open and brave enough to share their story, I do not want them to feel attacked in any way. Plus, I want this place to feel safe to those who need it, and not feel they are being attacked every time they read a nasty comment. Hope that makes sense.November 8, 2010 2:31 PM
Watchman Trent said…
Jeremy I think that you misunderstand what RA is doing here. This is not a place where an army is mustering. This is a place where a flock has gathered around a shepherdess who is loving the ones she has been charged with in imitation of the Shepherd.
And the occasional sheepdog who wanders through. Grin
This is not a place to struggle against those who have hurt us. This is a haven, a safe place, and if it ever loses that I will be saddened greatly by it.
And what Jamie has to say about the CA’s is dead on the money. I’m glad that she has gotten to the place where she can see it.November 8, 2010 7:55 PM
mouse said…
Watchman, nice comment. The truly sad thing is that TM is working hard to shut down this safehaven for those that they have wronged. I’ve heard of lawyers and PIs calling those who have posted stories, etc. Luce, Hasz, etc really want to quiet us and are definatily not interested in any peace coming to us that have been harmed. Tis sad what they do in the name of their supposed god.
mouseNovember 8, 2010 9:38 PM
Jeremy said…
yes that does thanks, RA. it’s just sad to see all that rotten fruit TM bares. all those interns who are so deceived…every story that I read on here only makes me more angry at TM. as a alumni myself I feel so duped…I could i have fallen for that? to want to be a part of the HA? now I see HA for the Monster it truly is.
Thanks for sharing your story Jamie, I know it took a lot.November 9, 2010 7:15 AM
Ben said…
“contrived ceremonial atmosphere”
seriously one of my biggest pet peeves about the HA/teen mania. i’ve been looking for words to sum up that idea right there since i went to the HA. thanks.
it makes me think of the initiation night for trailer club where we were guided by guys in black robes holding torches to different leaders who talked about the pillars of trailer club. it’s exactly that, a “contrived ceremonial atmosphere”.November 10, 2010 6:04 PM