My biggest liability was that I was physically tired almost all the time. I have had this problem my whole life, but it got a lot worse after I’d been at the HA for a while. My biological clock got so messed up that I would crash in my dorm room after work and classes and sleep through dinner. I would wake up around 9 and stay up late doing homework and having my quiet time. Because I slept so much, I was labelled “lazy” and “lacking in self-discipline”. I tried so hard to obey all of the rules and keep up with all the requirements imposed on us, but I had trouble keeping up because I was so exhausted. I wasn’t cutting it, and I knew it. Worse, my ACA and CA knew it, too, and several times in the first two months they pulled me aside to talk about it. I tried to explain how hard I was trying, tried to show them that my heart was in the right place, but they interpreted my attempts to stand up for myself as rebellion and immaturity. I was in hot water almost from the beginning, and the worst part was, I couldn’t even pin-point why. I was obeying all of the rules. Never once did I ever lie on our weekly accountability cards, and yet, I never even so much as earned enough debits to send me to Campus Class. Nevertheless, I was failing to live up to the elusive standard of spiritual excellence set by the honor academy, and I grew increasingly discouraged by my failure.
The biggest point of contention during those first two months was what time of day I conducted my daily quiet times. I tried to have them in the morning before work, but I was always so tired, I’d fall asleep. I’d read the same bible verse over and over again, not comprehending a word of it, or I’d start writing in my journal and then my pen would trail off the page. My prayers never got much past: “Dear God, thank you for this new day….”. It made much more sense to have my QT in the evening, when I was more alert, so that’s what I did. The disadvantage of this was that my ACA never actually SAW me having my QT, because she was always busy doing other things in the evening. I was confronted for not having my QT. I told my ACA/CA that I was having them in the evening. They then insisted that I have them in the morning, before work. I argued that the evening worked much better for me, that I got much more out of them that way, and that there was nothing in the saber about WHEN your QTs had to be conducted. I was respectful about it, but was still called out for being non-submissive. Another blow to my spiritual self-esteem. Another way in which I wasn’t good enough. Another thing that separated me from God’s will.
As the date of our first scheduled monthly eval approached, about 2 months after my class had first arrived, I was nervous. I was hyper-aware of my CA’s and ACA’s constant disappointment with me. Note: I had never even been campused by that point. I had a great track-record on paper. Nevertheless, I failed the evaluation, and was put on probation, the terms of which were arbitrarily drawn up by my CA/ACA according to what they thought would be appropriate discipline. I was to be in bed by 11:00pm every night for the next month, and I was to be out of bed at 6:00am every morning. I was to have my QT first thing, before I took a shower or anything. I had to read and write and memorize some stuff, and I don’t remember the rest. In addition, I was required, per HA policy, to call my parents in the presence of my CA to tell them that I had failed to live up to the standards of the Honor Academy, and that I was now on probation. If I failed again next month, I’d be BV’d. It was humiliating. I was 19 years old, but I felt like a 6-year-old being dragged back to the candy store by my mom to tell the manager I’d stolen a Snickers bar. Fortunately for me, I’d anticipated this event ahead of time, so I’d called my parents in private to warn them that such a call might be coming, and to give them my side of the story. They were still a little upset, but it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.
For the next month, I was perfect. I crossed my “t”s and dotted my “i”s. I kept my mouth shut and did whatever I was told and whenever my ACA or CA would ask how I was doing, I would give them cheerful accounts of all that God was teaching me, and all the ways He was helping me grow. I was exuberant during corporate worship. I didn’t want to suffer the humiliation of having to stand before all the people at church who had supported me financially and explain to them why I had wasted their money by not being excellent enough. I didn’t want to let down Teen Mania. Mostly, though, I didn’t want to let down God. I wanted Him to be pleased with me.
Herein lies the problem: everything I did that month was motivated by fear. I was totally self-consumed. The Honor Academy has so many rules and requirements, so many evaluations and judgments, that most interns become focused more on their own actions rather than on seeking God. Outward performance becomes priority over the purity of one’s heart. Those who are able to outwardly live up to the ridiculously high standards set by the HA then believe that they are spiritually mature, and quite possibly superior to those who aren’t performing as well. They may become arrogant or inflexibly dogmatic. They may become overly confident of their ability to hear God’s voice and try to impose their ideas of what they think they heard God say onto everyone else. Those who struggle to live up to the standards feel like failures. Like they just aren’t good enough. They are a disappointment to God. They may doubt their ability to hear God’s voice. The may re-double their efforts to gain approval. They may despair and give up altogether. Both groups get caught in a cycle of legalism and self-absorption. Both groups can end up spiritually empty. The Honor Academy focuses so much on performance–on DISCIPLINE! and HONOR!–that they fail to focus on God, and on nurturing honest relationships with Him and with each other.
I passed my next evaluation with flying colors, and was in the clear, but the damage had been done. I, like so many other around me, had became totally self-absorbed, and this under the guise of being humble and spiritual! I was so completely focused on MY growth, MY discipline, MY status, MY triumph over challenges. My relationship with God no longer had anything to do with God. It was all about me.
Still, I was sincere in my attempts to do right. I WANTED to grow, wanted to love God, and so I did what the HA told me to do: work harder, do more, check your heart. I was “checking my heart” so many times a day that it’s a wonder I was able to accomplish anything or make decisions–I was unable to even trust myself! This perpetuated the cycle of self-absorption.
14 comments:
Wow. Is there a part 3? I hope so. I.love.this.
Ever since I was about 9 or 10, I’ve taken naps in the middle of the day. I’m not sure why, but I would always come home from school EXHAUSTED and sleep for an hour or two… sometimes even like 4 or 5 hours when I got older. It was pretty routine for me. It was really rare to not take a nap.
When I got to the H.A. I tried to hide this from everyone. Sleep during my quiet times or something. Eventually I just couldn’t hide it. My ACA confronted me about it, a few days later some guys from my brother core were like, ‘yeah, we heard you just sleep all the time.’
So my aca had told my brother core. And the rest of my core of course. I was definitely labeled the ‘lazy’ one. And was totally confronted and made fun of all the time for it, the label didn’t go away until I got my new core in Aug. (I was a Jan.) by that time I was just a wreck.
And it is a head trip. All you want to do is change so you can fit the freaking standard.
Anyways, Jamie. I love this. thank you. Everything you said… spot on. Especially the thing about self-absorption. Perfect.November 9, 2010 7:43 AM
Anon 12 said…
“Outward performance becomes priority over the purity of one’s heart.”
Thanks Jamie.
I agree. I tried to explain this yesterday in a long rant on another post but you said it better.
What scares me is that TM doesn’t realize how damaging this can be to a person. I truly believe it is because they themselves have lived this way for so long they are now, lost to it in more ways than one.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think many who went to the HA can relate to you.November 9, 2010 7:48 AM
heartsfire said…
It is so sad that people were not interested in your heart or how much you were truly trying to run after God. It always makes me wonder what caused those that run TM to think this is the way to get closer to God. I hate that teens are taught they can by their own efforts be more to God it’s so sad. I am looking forward to hear more from you. Know that you are not lazy and you seem to fully be understanding of what true honor is!November 9, 2010 8:32 AM
layne said…
“In addition, I was required, per HA policy, to call my parents in the presence of my CA to tell them that I had failed to live up to the standards of the Honor Academy, and that I was now on probation. If I failed again next month, I’d be BV’d. It was humiliating. I was 19 years old…”
At 19, they had you call your parents as though you’d been sent to the principal’s office. For all of their talk of HA participants being “wise beyond their years”, feeding them with the idea that, though the world may view them as children, they are adults in the eyes of God… apparently, they don’t actually believe this themselves. I get the feeling this is used to manipulate on-the-fence interns into shutting out the wise advise of parents and adults in their lives when they disagree with the practices of TM.
“You’re an adult! Now go to your rooom!”
Assholes.
Jamie, thank you for your story. You’ve articulated perfectly the damaging culture of the HA.November 9, 2010 8:50 AM
Moriah said…
As it turns out, populations in approximately 25 countries take naps in the afternoon. Thats millions of people friends.
According to Wikipedia:
“Afternoon sleep is a common practice in Albania, Azores, Bangladesh, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Brazil, China, Croatia, Cyprus, Greece, India, Iran, Iraq, Italy (southern), Macedonia, Malta, Montenegro, North Africa, Pakistan, the Philippines, Serbia, Taiwan and Vietnam”
so NAP AWAY dear friends. Its a documented biological need, especially for those living in hot southern climates (i.e. Texas) and for those with work overloads (i.e. Interns).
And yes, I was also someone who liked having my quiet time in the evening, and I got reported on for being too sleepy in the morning.
Boo.November 9, 2010 9:32 AM
Recovering Alumni said…
Moriah – I hadn’t even thought of that!! Excellent point.November 9, 2010 11:03 AM
Eric said…
Jamie– Wow. What a vivid description of the poisonous fruits of legalistic doctrine! Do everything “right” and you still “fail.”
It makes me hopping mad to know that hundreds of young people are being taught to think that this equals the Gospel. Doesn’t anybody read Galatians?November 9, 2010 12:21 PM
Candor said…
Jamie,
Wow. That’s a lot of cray cray in one year. I can’t believe they made you call your parents in the presence of your CA. That is some funny $&!+. And that they FORCED you into a bedtime. Unreal. Thank God none of us are still at the cult.
I still can’t believe they have the ACA program. It’s so worthless. I was a January and in August we were expected to “try out” to be ACA’s. I didn’t want to be an ACA. I wanted to go home. Then the cult placed me in a room with a new August ACA.
This was hilarious for two reasons.
1) I had been there 8 months already and a new person who has been there less than a week is “in charge” of me. Hahaha.
And 2) The ACA they placed as my “superior” was actually from the same group of friends I had in high school but was a few years younger than myself.
Teen Mania. Great leadership there. You couldn’t make this $&!+ up if you wanted to.November 9, 2010 6:32 PM
Anonymous said…
Right, the same thing sort of happend to me and I was like WTF, really I practically know this kid in charge of me. Get this the guy was somebody that I use to tease in high school. Yea tm has no structure in 2 years they’ll declare bankruptcy.November 9, 2010 8:27 PM
mouse said…
TM doesn’t REALLY care about outcomes. All they need is the steady flow of freshmen/funding to keep their golden goose afloat. Fortunately their cult will close in the near future.
mouseNovember 9, 2010 8:51 PM
Natalie Haskell said…
@ mouse -“Fortunately their cult will close in the near future.”
mixed with the anon at 8:27…
If I was drinking coffee I would have spit it out of my nose. this cracked me up. lol. is that like, thus saith God?
haha. 🙂
I know I’ve had the thoughts, me and some friends have had some dreams. I would love it if T.M. got shut down. But really, it is pretty big, and it’s going pretty strong. I’d be surprised if it closed. if nothing else it’s just closed in my heart.November 9, 2010 9:31 PM
Candor said…
“I would love it if T.M. got shut down. But really, it is pretty big, and it’s going pretty strong. I’d be surprised if it closed.”
Their enrollment is about half of what it was in 2000-2001. ATF’s are no longer selling out stadiums. The majority are held in churches. The whole ministry is in debt. Everything is going downhill. I would be surprised if it stayed OPEN.November 11, 2010 3:11 PM
joyG said…
Jamie, thank you for taking the timing to elaborate on the philosophy and practical effects of the spiritual charade. Self-absorption, self-effort, self-congratulation or despising. It’s a stench.November 12, 2010 11:03 AM
ShadowVoice said…
sounds way too familiar…November 17, 2010 11:51 AM