Jessica’s Story: Part 1

My story starts out similar to most. ATF+Zeal+Parental Consent=August 99 Arrival!

First year started off rough…my Core Advisor left weeks after Gauntlet…followed by my Intern Advisor…leaving an overwhelming feeling of aimlessness. After the January’s graduated,I became an ACA. I was excited to have a role.

I worked in Leader Development recruiting Team Leader’s for mission trips, enjoyed my team and leadership whole-heartedly. My story takes an eerie twist when I received a call at work from my Dad. My Dad, a minister since I was 9 mos old, told me in love & grace to listen to him carefully. I could hear DEEP concern in his voice. He proceeded to tell me a dream he had – 3 NIGHTS IN A ROW.

Here is the dream: A white van driving on a long trip somewhere….a dozen teenagers inside of it…all of a sudden a horrific crash takes place….and my body is found beneath the vehicle.

That EXACT dream. 3 Nights In a Row.

With all the faith talk @ TM, I was assured that with prayer, this would never come to be. Just the next week, I got placed as the Leader D rep to go on Seattle SWAT. It was a 45+ hour trip. Yep. 45 hours. I prayed with my leadership about the dream, a few friends, and the SWAT Leader. I was 100% confident of God’s protection. The trip was great…besides one friend who got sick often. She got LOTS of rest and we pressed on hoping to make it in time for the ATF. With only 2 hours left to go before reaching our host home, my friend lost control of the van. The van (& U-haul behind it) rolled into the median on an icy mountain pass in Oregon at about 12:00am midnight. All I kept thinking was “We prayed and it’s STILL HAPPENING!”

After all the commotion of the wreck happened, I opened my eyes and could only hear the sounds of my teammates FREAKING OUT. We were in a huge snowbank, it was freezing cold in January. I heard our leader counting heads and realized one person was missing: ME. They looked everywhere….and finally remembered the dream my Dad had about me being beneath the van. They came over…and there I was. My head was near the front right tire and my legs near the back right tire but my body was 100% underneath the van. My friends desperately tried to pull me out…lift the van up…ANYTHING. They were relentless & I will never forget those friends that night.

So, eventually some mysterious car came by who happened to have shovels and they dug and dug snow from around my body…eventually, they helped pull me out. Upon getting to the hospital that night, they discovered that while in shock beneath the van, I had received 4th degree burns to my backside from the exhaust of the van. These injuries were serious, required surgery to repair/heal properly and would leave incredible scars on my body.

Dave Hasz called my parents himself. They said he sounded HORRIFIED and so unbelievably sorry that this happened. My folks flew out right away. What I was about to hear next from my Dad blew my mind. You see…he, in great wisdom, had left out the last portion of the dream he had continually. In the dream, I was pronounced dead on the scene. I was overcome with gratitude to God for saving & preserving my life. I knew it would be a testimony of God’s AMAZING hand of protection. While I still bear on my body those scars…I look at them with gratitude for His amazing promise to keep me on earth a bit longer…

That is the positive part. The difficult part is how my situation was kept pretty ‘hush hush’ from a political standpoint. Just a few years earlier, when the Columbine shooting happened in Colorado, the girl who was preparing to go on a TM Mission became the theme for that year’s mission campaign “Who will go in her place?” Her story was told time and time again…but mine was briefly mentioned for prayer at a Family meeting and then never again. My parents and I struggled with that…released it and hold no bitterness whatsoever. HOWEVER, we do mention this story at length to parents of interns-to-be from a safety perspective. A 45 hour drive with all teens is NOT safe and I’m hoping those rules have changed since 1999-2000.

The other part of this that was hurtful to me…was an intern asked me how I was managing my pain and how I had been feeling. I was honest and said I was in a lot of pain that day. He went over to the disposable cups in the cafeteria, grabbed one and held it up to my face. He poked a hole in it and told me my faith, that was filling up the entire cup, was now spilling out the hole because of my admission to having pain. Yep. For Real. That was the last time I spoke to that intern as ignorance was just not something I was prepared to deal with after having 4 of the 6 layers burned off my body.

37 comments:

Sarahsays:April 8, 2010 at 7:44 AMReplyThis comment has been removed by the author.

Anonymoussays:April 8, 2010 at 7:47 AMReply

I had an accident while I was an intern. I was driving my overcrowded truck on unfamiliar roads on the way to Tyler during my second week at the internship. It was raining and dark and I lost control on that treacherous turn just past I-20. The truck went into a ditch, flew through the air, and hit a tree on the other side of the road. It is a MIRACLE no one was seriously hurt or killed. My truck was trashed an the family who lived near the road came out and said it sounded like a train was coming through. The police came and wrote me a ticket for reckless driving. Unfair!
The strangest part about the whole incident was that, while my friends and I were sitting by the side of the road in shock, disbelieving we were OK, a staff member came to the scene of the accident, asked me if I was OK, and then proceeded to tell me that I needed to keep this quiet and not talk to anyone about this. To say the least, I was a little confused. I remember going back to campus in a daze, not allowed to say anything to anyone about the wreck. I called my parents to tell them about the wreck and broke down in uncontrollable sobs for 10 minutes. I was never asked by a staff member how I or any of my passengers were, If we ever needed follow up medical attention or anything. True to the staff members command at the scene of the accident, nothing was ever mentioned again about the accident.

Anonymoussays:April 8, 2010 at 7:49 AMReply

Oh Jess…
Reading your story brought back so many memories of that time. My heart broke when I read about the cup incident. Unbelievable. You are a woman of faith and if anyone truly knew you and how you handled all of this they would have NEVER said anything like that.

I had several friends on that SWAT…including one who is now my husband (we’ve been married almost 7 years). I clearly remember having a very unsettled feeling as they were preparing to leave. At that time I didn’t know about Jessica’s dad’s dream. As I was telling them goodbye, I told my husband to be careful especially when they were driving on snow and ice. During their trip several friends and I spent a lot of time praying for their protection and travel.

When we were woken up for the family meeting my heart was sick. I knew what had happened. When Dave Hasz called my future in-laws in the middle of the night after the accident, they were awake…praying for their son and the team. They knew something had happened as well.

My husband has talked to me several times about the accident. He has told me about waking up in the snow after being ejected through the window, the panic they all felt trying to find Jessica, and the the desperation they experienced trying to dig her out and lift the van. I can’t even imagine what all of them went through, especially Jessica, and the others that were hurt as well.

Safety has always been one of my biggest issues with TM. How could anyone possibly think it is a good idea to put fifteen 18 and 19 year old kids into a 15 passenger van and expect them to drive 24 hours a day until they reach CA, MA, or WA? It is absurd and incredibly dangerous. I remember driving straight through to California several times, and watching the “keep-awake” and driver struggle to stay awake at 3am. I truly hope they no longer do this.

I have been on several mission trips with TM and at the time looked at everything as a huge adventure. Camping in the middle of the Kalahari desert in Botswana surrounded by elephants, lions, and deadly snakes with no anti-venom or access to medical attention. Awesome. Sleeping on a roof top in India during a monsoon. Fun! Whitewater rafting down the Zambezi River a Class 4 and 5 river that is described as “extremely difficult,[with] long and violent rapids, steep gradients, big drops and pressure areas”. Wonderful. (I think our trip was the last one that got to go whitewater rafting due to my Team Leader almost drowning when he got stuck under a raft).

I love the memories. The trips gave me some amazing stories to tell…but wow. How dangerous! Maybe I’m just looking through the eyes of a parent, but there is no way I would let my children do some of the stuff we did on those trips. Maybe that is why I never told my parents all of the details! 🙂

I know this comment is incredibly long, but I truly hope that Teen Mania has carefully evaluated the safety concerns of the internship and the mission trips. These are extremely serious and need attention just like the other issues that have been brought up in this blog.

mom of ex-internsays:April 8, 2010 at 8:19 AMReply

wow Jess, reading this story has brought tears to my eyes. Thank the Lord He upheld you and your van mates with His righteous right hand! When my son was told he was allowed to come to the ATF in our town, he called me, and while I was so happy that I was going to be able to see him, I was terrified about the 14+ hour drive each way. I was up probably the whole time, each way, in prayer for their safety–I have seen WAY too many stories of kids in those wretched 15 passenger vans going off the road and killing the occupants.

We have a family in our church whose daughter was killed while driving back to Master’s Commission exactly 4 years ago–this has had a profound effect on our church family as a whole.

I’m so sorry for the pain you went through with both your physical and emotional healing. The paper cup thing that he did to you leaves me speechless, and the fact that you weren’t allowed to talk about it–as well as the stories of the last two comments leaves me speechless and angry. I pray you are healed both physically and spiritually…

Shannon Kishsays:April 8, 2010 at 8:24 AMReply

Wow. I would say you had an incredible amount of faith in God, even in the midst of your pain. I am encouraged by your story, but saddened that TM again failed to see where this could have been used in a completely different way for the good.

Anonymoussays:April 8, 2010 at 9:12 AMReply

There is, as we speak, a trip to Seattle taking place in a van that has already broken down (3 hours at a Pizza Hut in Colorado), and then had to stop because of road closures due to snow in Wyoming (glad roads were closed so the van could not continue). They are currently approaching Spokane. Left Tuesday early, early morning. It is now Thursday morning. I will be so glad when the kids are all back in Texas. I am not sure the ages of the people in the van, or how many there are. I know my kid is 18. And is, thankfully, having a blast so far on the road. I pray that nothing else goes wrong.

Shaysays:April 8, 2010 at 9:23 AMReply

I think I’m seeing a theme. . . . injury, damage, shame and rebuke. . . .hush hush hush

Recovering Alumnisays:April 8, 2010 at 9:31 AMReply

WOW. Dave Hasz routinely assures parents that their children are safe with him – and yet these SAME safety issues are never addressed, year after year after year. It would appear TM is more concerned with getting things done and hiding the problems – than with the safety of the interns. This is downright infuriating! The attitude I’m getting is: “Get to the ATFs as quickly as possible, missing as little work as possible – sleep and safety be damned.”

Shilohsays:April 8, 2010 at 10:31 AMReply

To Anon 7:47am –
I heard about that car crash MANY times as an intern. We all knew about it. I’m SO SORRY they told you that! What staff member? Or… like… What kind of a posistion where they in? I can’t imagine it was the I.T. dude, or a random sup in ATF that could have that big of an impression.
THAT TICKS ME OFF!
What?!
Wait.
So you actually had someone come up and tell you not tell anyone?! That doesn’t make ANY since!
Ok. No one here wants to see Shiloh when she’s on a justice trip, but WHAT THE HECK?!
Why did they tell you that?
uhg!
GRRRRRRRR-RAh!

KatieNapsays:April 8, 2010 at 10:56 AMReplyThis comment has been removed by the author.

KatieNapsays:April 8, 2010 at 10:56 AMReplyThis comment has been removed by the author.

abigailsays:April 8, 2010 at 11:04 AMReply

Jessica, I am so so sorry for your experience, it leaves me chilled and sickened. I was briefly a jan. 97 intern, we too had our safety issues and concerns.
If I may offer some incite to why your accident was kept ‘hush hush’. Jamie was a beautiful, amazing person who was killed in a car accident a few months into the internship. If I remember correctly there was a group of people going to a church event in dallas, when the driver lost control of the car. It was devastating to us interns, I can not even comprehend what it did to her family.

From a PR stand point it doesn’t look good for TM to be sending home teenagers dead, or permanently scared and injured. Keeping things quite had nothing to do with you and everything to do with parents feeling ok about sending their kids (ie money) to TM.

I’m so sorry you were not offered more support and shown such ignorance in such a traumatic and painful time. I am often floored by TM lack of grace and love for their fellow christian.

CarrieSaumsays:April 8, 2010 at 11:05 AMReply

Jess,

I remember the call from Meg about the accident, and how horrified I was to hear about it. I also remember you showing me your scars later that year…still healing,still painful, months after the accident. You were so brave. And you were still YOU during it all.

I love you and am so thankful for your life. I have no doubt that God was protecting you, and heard the prayers of your parents and friends.

Shannon Kishsays:April 8, 2010 at 12:20 PMReply

I can totally see Dave Hasz and Ron Luce continuing things the way that they are because they believe that these accidents are a part of the spiritual warfare going on. Which is really scary!

Nunquam Honorablussays:April 8, 2010 at 12:36 PMReply

This story pisses me off beyond mortal comprehension. I think more than anything, the poor misguided intern who had the gall to tell you that you LACKED FAITH because you acknowledged the fact that you were in pain.

THAT is textbook douchebaggery (not HIM, but HIS ACTIONS). I’m so sorry that most of us fell into that “you-are-the-weakest-link” mindset. I was an intern in 2007-08, and that attitude was STILL prevalent. Really, I’m sorry.

It confuses me, how we’re taught to be absolutely vulnerable and honest with people, yet any sign of weakness is jumped on and reprimanded. Huh.

Nunquam Honorablussays:April 8, 2010 at 12:41 PMReply

Aaaaand focusing on the positive, I’m glad that at least Hasz showed concern and connected directly with your parents. Really, if nothing else, that brings a smile to my face (:

Candorsays:April 8, 2010 at 1:26 PMReply

Jessica, thank you so much for sharing your story. I can’t imagine the pain (physically and emotionally) that you’ve had to endure as a result. It’s so amazing that God spared your life. It’s also traumatizing the way TMM handled that situation and many others. It’s not safe. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through.

TruthInLoveSucksSometimessays:April 8, 2010 at 3:46 PMReply

WOW God bless you woman!

I know I’ve had a intern driver fall asleep at the wheel on the way back to a host home. Fortunatly one of us woke up in time.

I don’t think it’s responsible to have anyone drive on little or no sleep (after working a ATF for 20 hrs) and TM had no problem with working us to the bone and expecting things to remain copasetic? I trust in God but He gave us logic and I think it was completly lacking in those types of decisions. arg.

Anonymoussays:April 8, 2010 at 8:30 PMReply

On the early days of TM…Many thoughts on many issues:
Anyone remember hearing these…
“we can always ask forgiveness later”
“make it happen…for the cause!”

I can’t tell you how many interns that are out there that have been in harms way for the “Cause”. Even after they leave TM, interns have realized too late, as they go into the “missions world”, that dangers are real and hurt!!
Divorce/hospitalization/death/financial ruin/abuse…(guilt of “going” w/out being prepared! There is such a pressure to please Ron/TM that many fall to the side of the road, beaten and bruised, and Ron and TM do nothing as Samaritans to heal the wounds, pay the bills, restore the spirit!!!

JMillerFamsays:April 9, 2010 at 10:09 AMReply

Thanks everyone for caring to read my story.

God is my protector, for sure! He is the one I depend on. I am grateful to have my life…have had the wisdom of my dad…and have a future ahead of me.

I do realize from a PR standpoint, it wouldn’t have been wise to share it with the world that i had nearly died….it just was interesting how NOTHING was really ever addressed besides the original prayer @ the family meeting. Just sad is all.

The faith-cup story still astounds me. Good thing I know who I am and that it only takes a mustard seed….not a cup full. I think ‘douche bag’ is a great word to describe that person back then….hopefully they’ve changed. 🙂

Much love to you all…

Shannon Kishsays:April 9, 2010 at 10:09 AMReply

Anon- Ron and TM would first have to admit that there was something wrong… which they have yet to do so they are not concerned about the healing of those that have been hurt because they don’t believe that it has happened, at least not on the level that it has.

littlegraygirlsays:April 9, 2010 at 2:13 PMReply

Wow. This is an incredible story and I am so glad you’re alive!!!

Yes, TM doesn’t always handle tragedies well; not that they are always handled poorly, but they often fail to address bad events and do seem to keep things “hush hush” as much as possible. I have a story along those lines, but I plan on sending in my own story soon so I will tell it then. Also, the TM leadership doesn’t try to fix anything; they don’t consider what kind of changes need to be made so that these sort of things don’t happen anymore. Safety is still not much of a priority.

On the other hand, for all Dave’s careless words to the interns, I really do believe that he cares deeply for them and their families. I was present when he found out that Rachael Barlow died, and was there when he called her family. It was AWFUL. And he cried. I really believe that Ron and Dave and the others really are sincere, but often misguided and maybe a bit out of touch.

JMillerFamsays:April 9, 2010 at 3:54 PMReply

Little Gray Girl-I agree….its hard to handle these things…honestly, I would not like to be in their shoes when/if these types of situations come up. I truly believe that Ron/Dave care and pray about the intern class….it’s just a touchy one when someone is hurt that badly (physically) and you must care for them with enough sensitivity (emotionally) It’s a balance. I’m not saying it is easy at all.

I think, from my experience, if I had to request anything of TM, it would be this:

1-Put new rules in place for transportation requiring adults over the age of 25.

2-Obtaining trustworthy Host homes ‘along the way’ giving interns an acceptable 7hr night of rest as a doc would recommend. This could be for drives of more than 16hrs. (Maybe they do this already, I don’t know)

3-Have a much higher and better insurance policy for when the inevitable accidents happen. I believe if they could’ve helped my parents more in that area – that would have saved us a lot of grief and sweetened the bitterness of such an ordeal. Instead, my poor parents were left with the medical bills of 2 differing skin graph surgeries I had to have to repair my skin from the burn of the exhaust beneath the van.

Anonymoussays:April 9, 2010 at 9:40 PMReply

In a situation such as yours JMillerFam,
TM is fully liable for your medical expenses. Even if their insurance doesn’t cover it, you were in a TM vehicle working for TM.
In this country they are liable for injuries that occur to anyone under respondeat superior
One of my friends was also involved in an accident on a drive to an ATF, and had to take them to court to get the bills taken care of, but it that doesn’t change the fact that TM is liable in a situation like that.

Recovering Alumnisays:April 10, 2010 at 10:42 AMReply

JMillerFam – WOW. TM did not pay for your medical bills??? As the commenter above said, that is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE!!

Where is the honor? The integrity? The ethics? This absolutely blows my mind…

JMillerFamsays:April 10, 2010 at 10:51 AMReply

I would have to get specifics on how much was covered specifically. TM DID HELP…..but not very much, financially. There was ‘fine print’ I remember hearing about.

JMillerFamsays:April 10, 2010 at 11:01 AMReply

Ok, so I just called my Dad…and he told me that he called TM after my surgery. He was told there was a $5K med policy and it had all been used up. (A lie told to my Dad by the insurance company; not TM)

My parents began the process of sueing. TM did NOTHING. I thought they did, but no help financially.

The good news was that after they sued, I ended up with a settlement that helped defer some of the med bills. The deductibles, however, were VERY HIGH and my parents were stuck with.

Nunquam Honorablussays:April 10, 2010 at 2:20 PMReply

WTF.

Shannon Kishsays:April 10, 2010 at 5:35 PMReply

That is absolutely HORRIBLE! So, you gave your life, quite literally to them and what do you get left with, shame, financial burden, etc. That really pisses me off Jessica!

JMillerFamsays:April 10, 2010 at 9:06 PMReply

i know…i know…

Anonymoussays:April 11, 2010 at 12:30 AMReply

ok….that just blows my mind…..a ministry that brings in millions every year couldn’t bother to help take care one of it’s own who was injured doing their bidding…..makes me sick!

Shaysays:April 12, 2010 at 9:01 AMReply

That is so many shades of wrong. . .

JMillerFamsays:April 14, 2010 at 2:11 PMReply

Quick correction. My parents NEVER sued. Considered it seriously but the Ins company ended up settling. (Thanks Dad!) 🙂

Ironically, just found out that this story IS being told at PD Summit surrounding the topic of “Hearing God’s Voice’ – so my hope is that it can bless others to know that God the One we can trust in. 😉

Bsays:June 5, 2010 at 6:01 PMReply

I was an intern in 94-95 and we also had an accident driving back from an ATF conference…we were so sleep deprived and now as a parent of 2 I cannot imagine allowing my daughters to participate in that, even as 18-year-olds… it really upsets me. I remember being so tired and we kept on going “for the cause.” I sometimes have nightmares about driving exhausted and feeling like my vehicle is out of control…I drove for an entire day in Arizona (returning from an ATF) and got a ticket for going 105 mph…not proud of that but it happened. 6 kids were sleeping in the back seat while I was driving that fast. there needs to be an older, wiser adult present when these trips are taking place…

dansays:June 6, 2010 at 1:28 AMReply

B…are you who I think you are? Hit me up. 🙂

Old School Bettysays:June 6, 2010 at 3:28 AMReply

Dan….I think it is the one and only. Didn’t she get poison ivy from another accident they all got in later on???? I seem to recall a couple of them that year.

Anonymoussays:June 29, 2010 at 12:32 PMReply

Wait, you said an intern named Jamie died in 97? We had an intern die in a car crash my intern year as well, and another intern died my GI year. I heard an intern died of a heart condition a few years back, and just read on this website of 2 other intern deaths. I distinctly remember being told that there were only 2 interns who had ever died. So, according to people reporting here, the count is more like 6? Or are there more? Is there anyone (leadership) at TM who is willing to honestly reveal how many interns have died?

I am also angry with the “system” of rushing sleep-deprived interns off to ATFs for swat and support, running them ragged at the events with little sleep, then rushing them back to campus on no sleep once again to get back into their “jobs” on campus. I was the most exhausted I can ever remember being in my life during my Tulsa ATF swat trip, in which my family traveled 6 hours by car to see me, and I was told sternly when we arrived in Tulsa that we were not allowed to see our family. If we did, we would be in trouble. At this point I was fed up with TM’s ridiculous rules, and I met up with my parents anyway. (“Meeting up” involved telling them to come to the table I was in charge of selling merchandise at to see me) I was tattled on by another intern that I talked to my parents, and sternly verbally reprimanded by an ATF leader for taking 5 minutes during the event to speak to my parents. No, I’m not even kidding! My mom was so mad! They traveled all that way and got a hotel for two days to see me for 5 minutes! I cannot believe they tell interns who haven’t seen their parents in possibly 6-9 months not to even speak to them!! I was told I had JOB to perform at the ATF, and that I was not there to socialize. My loyalty was to be first and foremost to ATF, and that I could call my family later back from campus. Outrageous! This was a decade ago, but my mom STILL to this day gets upset about that event if it is brought up or she is reminded of it for any reason.

Also, do you think the random people who showed up with shovels to dig you out were possibly angels?? 🙂