It’s been hard to force myself to commit some of these thoughts to “paper”. I don’t spend much time thinking about my Teen Mania days. I don’t really keep in contact with many friends from the internship… and the relationships I still maintain have a kind of depth that doesn’t depend on the Honor Academy experience to sustain itself. I married an incredible man who loves the Lord… and it’s mostly because of him that I am even endeavoring to write this. He feels more anger and frustration over Teen Mania’s treatment of young people than I do at times. And he wasn’t even an intern.
The food was horrible (our cafeteria budget was cut that year…). The work-load unpardonable. The legalistic and asinine rituals and indoctrination that we had to endure were downright bizarre. But I had real, meaningful relationships… a compassionate core advisor and an incredibly wise and intuitive advisor (Becky H…). Because of this, I feel like I was relatively unscathed during my undergraduate year. However, I saw broken, well-meaning and humble people be scoffed at and dismissed for bad attitudes… while room mates who blatantly disregarded major tenants of the program feign repentance and receive minimal discipline. I learned early on that performance and pretense were vital to survival at the Honor Academy. Those who couldn’t perform were deemed unfit.
There’s a lot that I could say about the emotional ramifications of Teen Mania’s internship program. But I want to focus my email on Gideon’s Road. This is the process by which an intern applies to be a core advisor. It is an incredible secret. We are told to never speak of our experience. And it wasn’t until I was married that I actually spoke to anyone about the things that happened. My husband was disgusted and infuriated.
Throughout the “road” process, we were woken up in the middle of the night, interrogated at every meal and forced to do push-ups if we misquoted the nonsense we were being forced to memorize, marched around campus at all hours, forced to jump into a pond in 40 degree weather to fetch our bricks (which symbolized our future core) that had been tossed in by the current Core Advisors who were presiding over the event, crawl out of the pond soaking wet and march to the back 40 with our bricks held high above our heads, identify the person in our mini-group who was considered to be the “weak link”, form a bridge lying face down in mud to allow the “weak links” to crawl over us… and generally be assaulted on an emotional and spiritual level for a solid week by people we had previously loved and respected. This is how Teen Mania determines if someone is fit to lead a core of their peers. Not by in-depth counseling. Not by assessing their spiritual maturity and sound-mindedness. But by subjecting them to nonsensical midnight rituals and swearing them to silence.
My core advisor was wonderful. To this day she is someone I love and respect. I felt like I could handle any nasty thing that was said to me (and yes, the core advisors did take it upon themselves to get very personal with their attacks) because I had her support. Every night on the road would end with me trudging into her room and crying with her while she held me and prayed for me. She had vouched for me. She told me that she believed in me. She felt like I would be a nurturing and loving core advisor. Combined with the belief that God had called me to endure Gideon’s Road, I felt like I could take anything. In the end, I was wait-listed. They said that because they’d never been able to “break” me on the road that it was obvious that my heart wasn’t pliable enough to be used in this capacity. When I asked my advisor what superficial response they wanted from me to prove that I’d been “broken” she said that the core advisors had never seen me cry, which showed that my heart was hard. While this was incredibly painful… and I thought it was a shallow way to test someone, I still felt called… and was encouraged that it was very likely that I would end up with a core… and was thankful that I hadn’t been rejected altogether.
By the end of the year, there was only one name ahead of me on the wait-list, and as plans tend to change, I held on to the belief that I would be called back to lead my own core. After speaking with the Head of the Graduate Intern Department, I was convinced that I should sign up to be a Leadership Professional while I wait for a core. I had planned on serving in a ministry position as a core advisor anyway, so this wasn’t a huge setback for me. A month into my second year, however, a core became available… and I was the next person on the list. At this time they decided to give it to someone else, and did away with the wait-list. When I appealed to the department head, I was told that I would be guaranteed a core if I would sign on for a third year. I didn’t take the news very well. I felt like I had been manipulated into paying another year on false pretenses… and that I was liberated from any obligation to Teen Mania, as they had behaved dishonorably. Many staff members reminded me of the oath I took when I committed myself to staying. Someone even questioned whether or not I would be able to be faithful in other areas of my life if I couldn’t stay faithful to such a simple commitment (which happened to be costing me thousands of dollars…). When I mentioned how I’d been mislead, everyone behaved as if staying a third year as a core advisor was a fair compromise.
In light of what so many others have suffered, this may seem like a minor infraction. But no one likes to feel powerless. No one likes to be tricked. Had they simply told me that I lacked spiritual discipline… or was unfit in some tangible way, it would have been incredibly painful… but I think it would have been easier for me to move on. As it was, I was told that I was a diligent and compassionate person… but that I never showed an outward appearance of brokenness. I took a ministry position… signed a commitment… and was then told that my position would actually be changing, as the department head was leaving. I went from having a heart to love and guide interns (in a sincere and nurturing way) to being relegated to a “C” shift position, where I was kept so swamped by responsibilities and 12 hour shifts that I was not even included in the weekly meetings with the undergraduate interns. I was constantly confronted by my supervisor for not serving with a “glad heart”, and I couldn’t deny that she was right. I had grown hardened and bitter by a string of failed expectations and hopes. Feeling totally jaded, I finished the rest of the semester, and left the internship in December.
I wore my honor ring up until I got married. At that time I was in the full-on stages of bitterness and resentment… but it was still a status thing. “Who I was”, so I didn’t want to give it up yet. Eventually I came to realize that it wasn’t a representation of a commitment to a life of honor, but to ideals and expectations that I no longer think are healthy. The commitment represented by my wedding band superseded my commitment to Teen Mania. So it made sense to put my honor ring away.
I was actually “confronted” on multiple occasions for not wearing my ring anymore. No honor ring on my finger immediately meant that I had done something that kept me from being “allowed” to wear it. I don’t think Dave did a good enough job addressing the whole honor ring stigma.
This was in 2003. Hearing Dave Hasz apologize during the conference call for allowing charisma and outgoing personalities to dominate the leadership positions of the Honor Academy during that time was very meaningful and deeply appreciated. I hope that the leadership of the Honor Academy continues to do away with stereotypes and molds, allowing a wider variety of personalities to serve in what I believe is one of those most valuable positions at the Honor Academy.
As a side note: I make a big deal out of my husband’s involvement because of what was said to me when I made the decision to leave my second year early. A staff member went so far to say that my relationships and even future marriage would be negatively affected by my inability to keep such a “simple” commitment. As stupid as it sounds to me now, I carried that with me for a long time. I was still dealing with the guilt/fear of it a year into my marriage. So the fact that I have been married for five years now, with a 2 year old daughter and another little one on the way… and that my husband has been the biggest push for me to get involved is big to me, in light of the things that were “spoken over” me by the staff members of the Honor Academy.
34 comments:
Anonymoussays:July 19, 2010 at 7:13 AM
Did you ever cry?
moriahsays:July 19, 2010 at 8:42 AM
another very well written piece.
thank you for sharing.
You have my empathy, love and compassion.
moriahsays:July 19, 2010 at 8:45 AM
anonymous,
read the whole story.
she cried.
Nunquam Honorablussays:July 19, 2010 at 9:56 AM
WOW.
That’s such a stupid way to judge whether or not somebody’s qualified to lead. “We didn’t bully you enough to make you cry? YOU SUCK.”
That’s dumb. I can’t believe that roads was that horrible. No WONDER nobody was allowed to talk about it!!
I am so sorry, Jillian 🙁
Nunquam Honorablussays:July 19, 2010 at 9:58 AM
Oh, I’m sorry, let me elaborate:
“Oh, we didn’t bully you enough to make you cry in front of us???”
Ugh.
I hope they realize how idiotic the whole process is and stop conducting roads like this.
“They said that because they’d never been able to “break” me on the road that it was obvious that my heart wasn’t pliable enough to be used in this capacity.”
Ahem.
CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT!!!!!!!!
Carry on.
Anonymoussays:July 19, 2010 at 10:15 AM
I didn’t realize the aura of a statesman included “being able to give visual evidence of appropriate brokeness while engaging in silly and/or abusive activities.” I must have missed the chapter in Churchill’s biography where his mother made him rescue a brick from an obstacle course and carry it on his back to symbolize the country of England during WW2…all while giving outward signs of brokeness. It’s no wonder HA has put so many unqualified people into leadership positions if they believe this kind of “testing” evaluates leadership! The people who do best at these exercises are the ones who tell TM what they want to hear and like playing mind games!
I like browniessays:July 19, 2010 at 10:29 AM
Jillian, your story rings so true with me. We have so many similarities in our stories. The major difference is that I left 2 months into my year as an LP, in October of 2002. Also, I was not trying to be a Core Advisor, I was going for Servants of the Call. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will be showing your story to my husband because he shares the same sentiments that your husband does.
@Nunquam Honorablus – “I hope they realize how idiotic the whole process is and stop conducting roads like this.”
They have. The Roads process is NOTHING even remotely like this any more. My road (Joseph’s Road – LP/MA) was very intense and (total honesty) I cried. Some for good reasons some for bad. I can’t speak for the CA roads but I know Roads as a whole now rely more on interview process than “who gets broken enough?”.
I personally think the Roads process still needs to be more refined, but that’s just me. It seems to (in recent years) turn in to too much interviewing/talking and less describing/preparing for a very difficult (but totally worth it) GI experience.
Nunquam Honorablussays:July 19, 2010 at 11:26 AM
Brandon- I sure hope so. What little bit I know about CA/MA roads (as of 2009) is that interns had to get up in the middle of the night, wear clothes that could get ruined, and bring a water bottle (and a flashlight?).
Most of the girls in my core went down those roads, and I know that it took an emotional toll on them.
As for myself, I went down CCM roads, which consisted of eating food and chilling with current CCMers (and making a portfolio project). So I guess they’re a lot less picky about who gets into CCM? I dunno.
I like browniessays:July 19, 2010 at 12:13 PM
I’m familiar with the term “CA”, but what is an “MA”?
Nunquam Honorablussays:July 19, 2010 at 12:16 PM
MA = Management Associate. It’s the modern-day LP. 🙂
I second Eric P’s comment, and we’ll leave it at that.
Justj33says:July 19, 2010 at 1:24 PM
Eric P. said
“CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT CULT!!!!!!!!
Carry on.”
I’ve come to realize that TM is not a cult.
people hurt people not churches or in this case TM. so you can say tm or ha hurt you but in all reality it wasn’t. it was a particular person or persons is responsible for your hurt. to be honest I don’t think RL or DH is as responsible for as much as they have been given credit for.
Nunquam Honorablussays:July 19, 2010 at 1:33 PM
“to be honest I don’t think RL or DH is as responsible for as much as they have been given credit for.”
Bro, most of us here are saying that Hasz and Luce are NOT at fault for a lot of the hurts that go on.
Anonymoussays:July 19, 2010 at 1:51 PM
CCM is a money making machine for Teen Mania. If someone is wealthy enough or in my honest opinion dumb enough to pay those “fees” – I think TM will accept just about anybody. After all they pay an even higher fee to work for the “family”.
Nunquam Honorablussays:July 19, 2010 at 1:58 PM
“If someone is wealthy enough or in my honest opinion dumb enough to pay those “fees” – I think TM will accept just about anybody.”
:'(
It is true, though…
CarrieSaumsays:July 19, 2010 at 2:36 PM
DH and RL are not solely responsible for all of the poor treatment that happens there. Nobody is saying that they have victimized all of the people personally. However, they have created a culture in which this sort of treatment is expected and accepted. That’s way worse.
> “I’ve come to realize that TM is not a cult.”
As Coach Z would say, “You say tom-ah-toe, I say termaytermorts.”
It’s true that there are birds that look like ducks, walk like ducks, and talk like ducks, but that ornithologists would categorize as mergansers or grebes. Quack.
If you don’t like the c-word, you can always call it a Spiritually Abusive High Control Group.
> “it was a particular person or persons is responsible for your hurt.”
People don’t act in a vacuum. These particular people acted on a doctrine they believed–somehow they all had the same idea that people must be “broken” by abuse to become emotionally manipulatable in order to have a leadership position. Where did they get this idea? Is an organization that fosters this belief a healthy one–whatever we call it?
Josephinesays:July 19, 2010 at 6:49 PM
Eric,
No, your “grebes” and his “ducks” are emotionally immature people who shouldn’t have ever been put in a position of leadership. That doesn’t make TM a cult. It means that they’ve had some disappointing people making disappointing choices without enough oversight. Now they know and they get to make different choices, right?
Candorsays:July 19, 2010 at 6:52 PM
Thank you, Eric P. I rarely have the energy to reiterate the same thing OVER and OVER and OVER again to former cult members so thanks for helping me out with this one. Everything you wrote was spot on.
TM is a cult for SOOOO many other reasons, all of which have been pointed out many times, again and again.
Nunquam Honorablussays:July 19, 2010 at 8:23 PM
Josephine- while I agree with your point, it doesn’t end there.
Who put these “emotionally immature people” into said positions of leadership? And how were they selected to BECOME the leadership in the first place?
Justj33says:July 19, 2010 at 10:14 PM
I agree whole heartly with you josephine.
I like browniessays:July 19, 2010 at 10:42 PM
Just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS on your new baby-on-the-way!!!
J.says:July 19, 2010 at 10:53 PM
My husband is the head of my household. That means that sometimes… even though it doesn’t seem “fair”, the buck stops with him. He is responsible to an extent for me… and for our children.
Ron and Dave didn’t cause this to happen directly. But the buck stops with them. And people want to see them be a little bit more proactive when it comes to dealing with these issues.
Josh ex-intern 00-01says:July 20, 2010 at 6:32 AM
To comment breifly on the topic of TM == Cult, if it didn’t LOOK like a cult to the outside world, why is/was it on the FBI’s cult watch list? During my UPG, an FBI chopper flew over the back 40. Perfect timing for them to solidify the cult standings of TM/HA. Hundreds of kids camping in the woods with face paint on and role playing as either “missionary”, “tribal” or “government”. Nope, that wouldn’t scream CULT to the agents in that chopper at all!!!
J.says:July 20, 2010 at 10:03 AM
It’s also important for me to point out, in light of the attitude that many people have about “kids” being put into leadership positions… and how easy it is to blame the abuse on the age and inexperience of the people in charge… that in this experience (AKA: MY experience) ALL of the negativity, manipulation and guilt (post-road) came from educated and experienced ADULT staff members. These aren’t young, inexperienced, impressionable teenagers.
Josh ex-intern — I’ve always heard about the FBI thing, but I think it might just be a rumor. There doesn’t seem to be any evidence of this online, other than people saying, “Is it true that Teen Mania is on the FBI cult watch list?” I can’t even find other references to the FBI HAVING a cult watch list, so I think that claim might be a little dubious.
Josephinesays:July 20, 2010 at 2:28 PM
@Josh – I’d like to see evidence of your claim about the FBI. I can’t find a published “cult watch list”. Maybe you have one though and could provide it to the group here?
@nunquam – sigh… yay, for once, we agree. You’re right, it doesn’t stop there.
I said, “It means that they’ve had some disappointing people making disappointing choices without enough oversight. Now they know and they get to make different choices, right?”
You asked, “Who put these “emotionally immature people” into said positions of leadership? And how were they selected to BECOME the leadership in the first place?”
It sounds like you applied my statement at the immediate leadership level. Take my statement up a few levels. Apply it to Ron. His degrees are in psychology and theology, not business administration. He was young when TM started. It has grown dramatically with some help from key, strategic people along the way.
Every so often, leaders of rapidly growing organizations learn new things and find themselves in embarrassing positions that require a major change in philosophy. It’s easy to do. It can be related to human resources, business law, finances, taxes… you name it. We’re all ignorant about something.
I’ve been there. You might be surprised to know that I’ve been there at responsibility level equal to or greater than Ron’s in terms of organizational size, gross income and human resources.
Ron wants to see more people get saved. His strategy is to motivate young people to fulfill the calling that God has on their life and to somehow facilitate the next revival – both in the United States an in the rest of the world.
His intentions are good, however, good intentions don’t excuse negligence. Sometimes there are consequences to bad decisions, even when they are based in ignorance.
I think it’s safe to say that Teen Mania knows where they misfired and that a change in course is necessary. If they don’t change course, then they’ve not listened… and yes, then it’s time to do a little more hollering.
But right now, I don’t think it’s fair to keep calling Teen Mania a cult. That’s like pointing a finger at your unmarried acquaintance who just found out she was pregnant and calling her a slut. You have compassion for your friend. Is there compassion for Teen Mania? I don’t believe they’ve been knowingly, intentionally, purposefully operating their organization in a damaging way.
Anonymoussays:July 20, 2010 at 3:41 PM
“But right now, I don’t think it’s fair to keep calling Teen Mania a cult. That’s like pointing a finger at your unmarried acquaintance who just found out she was pregnant and calling her a slut.”
No, I fail to see how these two comparisons are similar in any way. Teen Mania needs compassion for its cult-like tendencies? I’m baffled.
OK. I’ll shoulder some of the blame (such as it is) for invoking the “cult”-word here lately.
First of all, note RA’s own conclusion is that TM “falls a bit shy of being an actual full blown cult. However, their cult-like culture is definitely a spiritually abusive environment.”
Let me define my terms as I like to use them (bear in mind I’m an editor so I use words carefully):
1. “False doctrine” is something that deviates significantly from normative Christian theology while claiming not to.
2. “Spiritual Abuse” is authoritarianism, manipulation, emotional harm, or other abusive behavior inflicted under the pretext of religion. See here.Note that a group does not need to subscribe to false doctrine to be spiritually abusive.
3. A “Cult” is a group that consistently uses false doctrine as grounds for spiritual abuse.
Now I think any objective observer must agree that TM is spiritually abusive. I’ve even referred to it when explaining what spiritual abuse is.
I chose to pull out the “Cult”-word because this post shows in rather vivid detail how TM’s abusive culture comes from their false doctrinal views on ministry. This is one of many instances (another example: ESOAL as a whole) where, in my opinion, they very arguably crossed that line.
That said, as I commented earlier, the label is not the issue to me, and if you prefer, you can always call it a “Spiritually Abusive High Control Group” and be just as accurate. Tomayto, tomahtoe. Whatever you call it, it hurts people and it gives people the wrong idea about what following Jesus is like. That’s the issue.
Reading about what goes on during the road makes my CA’s abuse of me make more sense…
Anonymoussays:November 5, 2011 at 3:13 AM
the whole program is screwy. i was a GI 03-04. one of the things that bothered me most were the weekly gi meeting with dave hasz in which we freely gossipped about the interns in our “care.” it would go something like this “i heard that john doe is having a problem with_______ how’s that situation coming along?” and his ca would freely talk about him and his personal struggles to the group. other ca’s could offer their “advice” or any information they knew about the situation. or a ca would say “yeah, my intern was doing this, and they were talking to ___ about ____” and dave would want to know names. it was so weird! i NEVER talked about my interns and refused to mention any of them by name. there was no way i was going to give hasz personal info about the interns who poured their hearts out to me and trusted it wasn’t being reported to the rest of the GIs and hasz behind their backs. it was just the candor with which dave and other gi’s flat out gossipped about interns that bothered me. the general attitude towards undergrads by anyone other than undergrads (gi, sa, ra, staff, etc) was an attitude of such disrespect! they were truly talked about like they were scum. so weird! it was as if we had to “fix” them and turn them into respectable christians (ie, a gi, or sa, or ra, or staff, etc.) the higher up the status ladder you climb at tm, the more “respect” you are given, and the more you realize how everyone under you is completely disrespected by all those over them. i hate that hierarchy and power play. it’s disgusting!
