(Moderator’s Note: This story and the comments below briefly, and with minimal detail, mentions rape.)
Life After the Honor Academy:
Once home, I received one phone call from a guy friend to see how I was doing, then nothing. It was as if I never existed to TM or any of my friends. I was just left to kind of figure things out on my own.
Things were not going great, I didn’t really know how to resume my place back home. I didn’t really fit in with my friends, who at the time were busy with college.
When the August interns graduated, one of the boys I had been friends with called me to say ‘God’ told him I was ‘the one’ and it was God’s will that we get married. I was still emotionally fragile from all that transpired at TM and I wanted so desperately to be walking in God’s plan. My line of thinking was, one of the ‘cream of the crop Christians,’ a graduate of the HA was telling me what God’s plan for me was. I felt that I wasn’t spiritual (ie good enough) enough to graduate from HA so if he was telling me this was God’s plan, it must be true. I so wish I would have hung up the phone that night laughing.
We started dating. To make a very long and painful story very brief, after dating for about 3 months, he came to my apartment to pick me up for church, walked into my bedroom raped me, threw clothes at me and said, ‘We’re going to be late to church.’ Just like that, like we had just finished watching TV or something. (That was how I lost my virginity, I’ve never told anyone that, and I’m sweating bullets right now.) Prior to that, our physical relationship consisted of holding hands and a little kissing. I completely shut down emotionally, got up and went to church in this haze. To this day I can’t go to church without having a major panic attack.
About a week later, he called to say that we had to break up, I was not the woman he thought I was, I had caused him to stumble. He felt Dave was right about me, I was a bad seed, a whore, and in general a bad Christian. In short, he felt that what happened was my fault and I seduced him.
I was done, I moved back home, and had a serious break down. I was too ashamed to tell anyone what happened so I just went into my room and pretty much slept for year.
Then I had a dream one night.
I was on the TMM campus (but it didn’t look like it did when I was there, there were new buildings and a water fountain, but I digress). There were hundreds of people in the crowd, and in front of us was a panel of ‘elders.’ Sitting next to the panel was Ron Luce, Dave Hasz and the Staff Advisors from my year Kim, Caroline, Mercer and Rob. One by one, our names were called to give our account of events, everyone who got up to speak before me had only good things to say about TM and the people in front to the panel. My name was called. I was terrified, these were people who had tortured me emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually during my internship. I didn’t have a lot of nice things to say, most of what I had to say was going to sound really bad. A kind and gentile voice on the panel spoke up, and said to me, ‘It’s ok, just speak the truth’.
I stood up and gave my account. I recounted everything Dave and the rest had ever poured into my life, the good, the bad, everything. I told of times I had been lied to, times that I had looked to them for guidance and in return had been looked down on and judged…I accounted for every moment. Many of the statements I made, there was a rebuttal for and for every rebuttal they were told by the panel that this was not TM’s time to judge me. My judgment would come at another time, in a different venue, it was their time of judgment.
I felt like I was talking for hours. When I was finished with my account the same gentle panelist asked the TM leaders, “When did you show her love”? Dave was silent. Kim was silent. Ron was silent. Everyone silent, it was deafening. I was allowed to step down and resume my place in the crowd, and the next person was called to give their account. This continued until we all had spoken.
The panel spoke amongst themselves, and then a decision was made and judgment was about to begin…then I woke up.
When I woke up 2 things happened:
1. I realized that those at TM who had hurt me, would pay for the damages they did to me. Everything they poured into my life, good or bad would be accounted for. However, there would be no apologies, and they would probably never acknowledge that any of my hurt feeling or damaged psyche were real or valid. Whatever the outcome, it would be on a grand scale. It would be bigger than I could understand now, I had to move on as best as I could.
2. I couldn’t remember most of what happened on campus anymore, just the few things mentioned above. Everything was in a fog, faces, name, memories might rise up out of the fog, but would recede into it just as fast as it rose. I remember almost nothing of the events that occurred, but have a profound sense of distrust, unworthiness, and an sense of being unwanted.
I’d like to thank everyone who has told their story. This blog has brought me a lot of healing and closure. There is more love and support here than I ever experienced at the Honor Academy. Love is a higher law, that is a very powerful thing. Thank you.
67 comments:
‘Kate’ – I am in shock! I’m so so so sorry that you had to experience the things that you went through, both at the hand of TM, and the person that sexually assaulted you. My heart hurts for you. I’m so glad that you have found healing, acceptance and love here at the RA alumni website.
June 24, 2010 7:02 AM
TempAnon said…
Kate, how horrible. I’m so sorry you went through all of this. Would you be willing to consider going to a Rape Survivors group? They may be able to help you process and heal from what that horrible person did to you. Please know that in today’s world, where “virginity” has a fluid and changing definition for almost everyone, you can choose not to see that event as the loss of your virginity if you want to. If you want to define your virginity as a level of purity and trust that you decide what to do with, then you can choose to not let him have that. He took a lot from you that day, but you can refuse to let him take that.
I don’t say this to take away from the gravity of what he did, but to hopefully help you feel powerful enough to take that power/control away from him.
Maybe you know this, but you did not cause him to stumble. You are in no way responsible for your rape. The rapist is 100% responsible.
June 24, 2010 7:59 AM
kymberlydawn said…
Beautiful end of the story Kate.
re: the rape – of course TM will just label the rapist as a ‘bad seed’ – unfortunately they too are responsible for his actions.
1) They graduated him, which shows that just about anyone can make it through by talking the talk and pretending to be ‘chosen’. That state of being is a farce, one concocted by TM to manipulate young people. The turth is that we are all equal.
2) TM consistently scapegoats women for men’s sexual ‘troubles’. A rapist is a rapist and no person can change the rapist’s thoughts/behaviours except the rapist. Telling women that wearing ‘revealing clothes’ (a V-neck) will cause their “brother to stumble” and are therefore responsible for his sexual thoughts – well that’s just the first step in victim-blaming. That’s unconscionable!
June 24, 2010 8:14 AM
Anonymous said…
Kate, I hope that you will get involved with a rape support group or counselor. You are such a strong person to have carried this by yourself for so long, but you can receive complete healing. There is more for you out there than panic attacks and anxiety!!! My heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a hug. More than anything, I want you to know that you did nothing wrong. We support you and we all know that what he did to you was in no way your fault. Please find acceptance and grace here, and let this be stepping stone to seeking out a counselor or support group that can help you continue your recovery.
June 24, 2010 8:32 AM
Anonymous said…
Have questions for TM leadership? Join a live conference call this Monday, June 28th from 8p-9:30p CST. David Hasz, Heath Stoner, and others will be taking calls live. If you would like to e-mail in your question send it to: confcall@recoveringalumniresponse.com
More details at recoveringalumniresponse.com
June 24, 2010 8:40 AM
moriah said…
Trying to control a woman’s natural sexual effervescence is wrong.
Blaming a woman for your own sexual thoughts towards her is ridiculous and akin to justifying sexual crime committed against women around the world.
June 24, 2010 8:43 AM
Anonymous said…
Rape is not about sex. It is about power, control, and violence. Rapists are almost always repeat offenders. Sexual thoughts don’t make someone a rapist. A diseased mind and control issues make someone a rapist. Rapists like to lie about how it was the victim’s fault, causing them to “stumble,” but the truth is that they would have committed their crime regardless.
June 24, 2010 9:11 AM
littlegraygirl said…
Kate,
I am so, so sorry that such a terrible thing was done to you, especially by someone who supposedly knew and loved God. I don’t really know what else to say except that I’m sorry. Thank you for your courage to tell your story. You are a beautiful, courageous person.
June 24, 2010 9:44 AM
CarrieSaum said…
This is not your fault.
You, sweet sister, are so brave and courageous.
I believe you.
You are not bad.
You are stunning and beautiful.
I am so sorry you experienced this.
You are entirely loveable.
June 24, 2010 10:30 AM
Anonymous said…
Do you blame TM and the HA for this guys behavior?
June 24, 2010 11:05 AM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
Anon 11:05-
I don’t think they’re directly to blame, but with the culture, and how freshly he came out of the HA and was like “lol we’re totally gonna get marriedz”, I don’t doubt for a second that it was a contributing factor.
June 24, 2010 11:09 AM
Anonymous said…
I find it a bit of stretch to blame TM for this guys actions.
If he was a pervert and didn’t lend himself to help, then nothing changed inside him.
I don’t see how that is TM fault. It is a terrible thing that happened but to use this as a weapon against TM is a bit exaggerated for me.
June 24, 2010 11:16 AM
rachel said…
Kate, I have never had any experience with TM but a friend of mine has and introduced me to this blog.
I am so sorry that you went through this. I am so sorry that what you thought was good and Godly turned out to be something that hurt you so much. I wish I could give you a big hug.
And I am also SO encouraged by how you are dealing with this. I agree that love is a higher law. Love wins. I hope that you can hold onto that as you continue to heal. Thank you for having the courage to share your story here.
Love,
Rachel
June 24, 2010 11:20 AM
gc1998 said…
kate…i don’t really have different words for you than anyone else…it took major cajones to share this story. you are SO brave…so so brave. i will pray restoration and healing for you…and that someone will see all those things you like about yourself…that the mold tried to squeeze out of you…and will love you wholly and fully in a tangible way BECAUSE of them.
June 24, 2010 11:24 AM
Anonymous said…
Anon @ 11:05 & 11:16 – Kate was sharing her story. A story that I believe will help many people in their healing process. I don’t see her blaming TM for this guy’s actions, but this is a good example of how many MANY interns are outwardly holy yet are not dealing with the gross and disgusting sin in their hearts. This guy was at the HA for an entire year, and no one noticed he had violent tendencies? That shows me there’s a HUGE problem with the HA and their claim of making disciples. HUGE problem.
Kate, thank you for sharing your story. You are a brave woman and I am encouraged by the strength you display. May God continue to bring you complete healing and may He use your testimony and your life as an example of his faithfulness and love.
June 24, 2010 11:31 AM
Recovering Alumni said…
Kate, nor I, are directly blaming TM for what this man did.
HOWEVER –
TM does share a lot of blame for making her feel like a worthless Christian who couldn’t hear from God for herself – thereby setting her up to be taken advantage of by a “good seed.”
So, yes TM does share blame in this story.
Absolutely.
June 24, 2010 11:40 AM
Anonymous said…
Anonymi 11:05 and 11:09, why can’t you see this isn’t about blaming TM or assigning fault? It’s about recovering from painful experiences, acknowledging hurts, and letting go of the past together. No one is saying the internship caused someone to be a rapist. But this story shows how subtle patterns of belief we received at TM can have lasting repercussions. Kate felt like dating that guy was how she could regain God’s “approval” after being dismissed. She should never have been made to feel that TM’s approval and God’s are the same! And after this horrific thing happened, she knows Dave blamed her for inciting lust by changing in a locked room, so how was she supposed to know the rape wasn’t her fault? Teen Mania did not cause the rape, but they instilled patterns of thinking that had damaging consequences. Kate, God loves you and approves of you 100%. There is no shame in what happened to you because it wasn’t your fault. God sees you the same as He did before and He is heartbroken that you’ve been injured. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ and especially not for an innocent victim–which you are, Kate. I love you, sister, and I pray you find healing and wholeness!
June 24, 2010 11:44 AM
Jacqueline said…
Kate– I love your dream! How empowering for you! I find so much peace in believing in perfect justice. People may get away with many things on earth, but ultimately there will be a day when our actions towards others will be revealed for what they are. This is enough to help me work through the injustices that can not be made right on earth. But it doesn’t keep me from praying, “On earth as it is in heaven!!!” Unfortunately for many they think that power is going to get them into heaven by doing so called “powerful things” whereas the simple things. . . bandaging up the wounded, feeding the hungry, comforting the afflicted. . .those things are the ones that have the power of sanctification and healing.
And Kate so many here have said it, and I can’t agree more, find a caring heart or a group of caring hearts that can help you navigate the intense emotional waters of the sexual violation you unfortunately were subjected to. God has more for you than anguish in life! He has joy for you girl!
June 24, 2010 11:44 AM
kate said…
wow, I am amazed by everyone’s love and support, I really wasn’t sure what to expect when I laid everything out. Thank you.
@ anon 11:05 I don’t know that I have a clear answer for you but I’ll do my best.
I don’t know if ‘blame’ is the right word. I think that would mean that they knew that was a predator in the midst. I know that the TM or the HA would not have tolerated this.
When I left the HA I had been seriously mind fu*ked by all of the leaders there, I was told that literally everything about me was bad. I no longer ‘knew’ who I was because I wanted to be ‘good’, but before TM I thought I was ‘good’ and everything TM told me about how to be ‘good’ felt wrong, so maybe I was ‘bad’. It was all very confusing and I had 0 support system because TM had tossed me out on my A**. Everything was so foggy and unclear that I couldn’t see that I was walking into a situation that even on my best day was over my head. The person I was Pre-HA would have seen what was what and would have laughed till she pee’d her pants when the phone rang that day.
I spent many day’s being angry that the HA (DH and KW specifically) left me in such a hurt vulnerable state. The dream I had kind of opened my eyes to the fact that my anger wouldn’t change things. It wouldn’t make DH or KW see how the hurt me, or that they missed a huge opportunity to show me real love and how to grow in God. I just had to pick myself up and move on. When I was ready that’s just what I did.
So I guess the answer is no, I don’t blame them. I feel sorry for them.
June 24, 2010 11:45 AM
Mike said…
Anon @ 11:16:
TM isn’t directly to blame to this scumbag’s action, certainly. The only one directly responsible is this so called “world changer”, but the Teen Mania leadership undeniably contributed not only to this guy’s actions, but also his baffling ability to just brush them off with no sense of conviction. Dave Hasz’ irresponsible, unconscionable and ultimately misogynistic teachings allowed this guy to not only completely excuse himself for the rape of a young lady, but then to blame her for it! No one is “using this as a weapon” against TM. TM needs to acknowledge the fact that their tenets and practices are flawed, and the result is traumatized young people who want nothing to do with God or Christianity.
“And he said to his disciples, “Temptations to sin are sure to come, but woe to the one through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin.”
-Luke 17:1-2
Kate, I’m so sorry for everything that happened to you. No one at that place has any right to judge you. As far as the man who took advantage, well, suffice to say that it’s a good thing I don’t know who he is, because I’d be very tempted to do something very unchristian to him. I would implore you, not to let these hypocrites and abusers be the example of the body of Christ to you. Don’t abandon the church because of these people. You are a member of Christ’s body, and we need you. The steadfast love of the lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end.I pray that He will restore you. Know that I’m praying for healing, peace and even joy for you. I’d encourage you to read Romans 8 and let that truth salve your soul, which is beautiful to God. We love you.
June 24, 2010 11:46 AM
Anonymous said…
This perv could have easily lied on his application or interview. That doesn’t lay the blame on TM.
How can the thoughts, deeds, and actions of one individual passed onto someone else?
June 24, 2010 12:00 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
Wow…I am so disgusted at some of these reactions. Not only do you not have compassion for a rape victim, but you also have no compassion for the so called “perv” who is clearly troubled and needs Jesus love as much as any of us.
Blaming him for not being open about his issues, blaming her for blaming TM….talk about missing the point!!!
How do you think Jesus would react to this story?
June 24, 2010 12:28 PM
Anonymous said…
My comments have attributed no blame to anyone. I have just asked many questions to try and understand the situation.
I’m not the type of person to just believe everything I read. I ask questions, follow up, to see if there are any chinks in the armor.
June 24, 2010 12:34 PM
Anonymous said…
ok anon 12:34, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
If you are really trying to ‘understand the situation’ please let us know what you feel is really the ‘chink in the armor’?
June 24, 2010 12:49 PM
Anonymous said…
I ask a lot of questions because there is conflicting information.
There were only four people who worked with Kim Wilkerson in 97. 2 were from the August class and 2 were from the January class.
I can name all of them, but that would do no good.
You see, all 4 finished the internship program.
June 24, 2010 12:52 PM
Anonymous said…
Add to that, I am in communication with 2 of them on a regular basis.
June 24, 2010 12:55 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
“Kate” just responded to me. As you will note in the post, she didn’t say she worked for Kim, she said she was under Kim’s supervision.
“Kate” worked in the call center under Melissa K. However, Kim W was her IA (Intern Advisor). As you will not doubt recall, IAs had the role that is essentially now taken by CAs. So, as head of her focus group, Kim W. was her spiritual supervisor, so to speak.
June 24, 2010 12:59 PM
Candor said…
Kate,
I am so deeply sorry for what happened to you. I don’t even know what to say. My heart grieves for you. I’m glad that you are strong enough to share your story and that you were wise about who you shared it with. This website, for the majority, is group of people who love you and honestly care about you. There is no judgment for the hurt here; only love and support. The abusers, on the other hand, they can go to hell (if such a place exists).
June 24, 2010 1:01 PM
Anonymous said…
I figured that would be the case.
June 24, 2010 1:05 PM
Old School Betty said…
Anon at 12:34, 12:52 and 12:55 pm….Why does having to know the intimate details of a situation have any relevancy as to what this poor girl went through? Who cares if there are chinks in the armor? That means she went to war. By telling her story, she is a warrior! I see battle worn warriors every single day who come home from the frontlines with chinks in their armor and their psyche messed up because of the attacks they experienced while in a combat situation. We are all messed up people, born into a fallen world, with messed up lives. So don’t give me that crap that you need to understand. How about a little empathy rather than accusation? She survived an attack on multiple fronts that was brutal. Rape is not justifiable on ANY level.
Why can’t you just walk in love towards somebody instead of being a skeptic? Hurt people hurt people. The point of telling the stories on here is to find an outlet and receive healing, grace, peace, and love.
I am so sick and tired of the Charismatic Church screaming conformity to a mold, preaching that they are going to take care of people and then practically using people as a doormat on their way out to preach the Gospel.
I am sick and tired of going down to the park every week to feed 200 homeless people and have some dolt carrying a sign walk up screaming at them that they are going to rot in hell for their sins. My hands are full of food, his carries a sign of judgement.
I am sick and tired of people pointing the finger blaming others, when there are four more pointing back at them.
Where is the love? O dear Jesus. Open the eyes of their hearts so people can see You, so they may know you.
And yes, keep provoking us, for in doing so, you are giving us all a voice.
June 24, 2010 1:21 PM
Anonymous said…
Old School Betty – I applaud your passion. As misguided as it may be, you still have fire.
My comments were never questioning the events that took place in a.k.a kates life.
They were simply questioning the ability to pass blame from the human who committed this act, on to an organization he attended.
Who knows what lies this guy told along the way. By no means am I defending him. You have one event that happened well after TM.
You have another event that ‘felt like rape’ and disgruntled people have gathered to pitch a tent.
People cling to an offense and it turns into a root of bitterness in their lives.
You need to let go and let God. You can blame your mom, brother, TM, DH, RL, or the doctor.
You can have any excuse you want to stay where you are at.
It’s time to mature, forgive, and move on. Cling to God and release the junk.
Grow up and be the man or woman God called you to be.
If you don’t, you will stay on this blog complaining about your injured emotional psyche until Jesus comes back and you will have done nothing for HIM.
June 24, 2010 1:30 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
Its amazing how TM never has to take the blame when an intern’s life turns out poorly, but they get to take the credit when it turns out great.
June 24, 2010 1:32 PM
Anonymous said…
Just to clear up your random thought R.A.
I don’t have anything to do with T.M. it’s employees, interns, or facilities.
June 24, 2010 1:35 PM
Old School Betty said…
ROFL…Misguided? Sweetheart…you have no idea how utterly way off base you are in even assuming I am misguided. No, maturity says I can speak because of experience. As a 37 year old woman, getting a Master’s Degree in Counseling and working with people suffering from PTSD, all you did was make me laugh at your naivety.
I am in no way bitter about my personal experience with TM because it was positive, but in light of ongoing changes within the ministry, I will defend those who have been hurt. And yes, the culture somebody is placed in has tremendous impact on how they function and respond to things. But rather than go on and on with my “passion” and debate, I would rather focus my energy on those who need healing.
June 24, 2010 1:42 PM
Anonymous said…
Anonymous 1:30 you keep saying we are shifting blame from the rapist to TM, but no one other than you is saying that! He is fully responsible for his actions, no one disagrees! Some of TM’s teaching DID hurt Kate and make it more difficult to deal with the situations she faced. No one is calling TM a rapist factory, no one is saying Dave and Ron would condone what this man did.
June 24, 2010 1:43 PM
C.R. said…
My heart hit the floor when I read this. I cannot believe that you had to go through this.
I hope and pray that the dream is soon to be a reality.
June 24, 2010 1:58 PM
Lisa said…
@Anon 1:30 ‘felt like rape’
FELT LIKE RAPE???
If ANY incident “FEELS” like rape…that is not someone giving an experience away..that MAKES it rape. Period.
June 24, 2010 2:05 PM
Elizabeth said…
Anon 1:21,
Who are you to say that many or all of us who visit this website only stick around to justify holding bitterness against TM. While some may be hurt, angry or bitter their participation in this blog is evidence that they want to work through their emotions and hurts so they can begin to heal. At least we are trying to heal instead of remaining pharisees and hypocrites without UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, GRACE, and recognize that it is left to God to judge.
I stick around to support those who came after me to encourage and love on them. I am not perfect by any stretch but I can offer a shoulder, a hand, a kind word, a prayer. I leave the judgment to God.
June 24, 2010 2:15 PM
Carla said…
Anon – the one who’s trying to stir up a shitstorm – You should be ashamed of yourself. Please DO NOT call yourself a follower of Jesus because I never want to be put in the same category as you. I’m embarrassed by your lack of compassion and empathy. And honestly, clearly TM/the Cult has clearly done a work with your head. I can tell by the words that are spewing out of your mind and onto your comment. So I’m really sorry for whatever YOU went through there and what YOU now have to to go through as a result.
That in no way undermines my true lack of compassion, empathy, or love for “Kate.” I’m very sorry about all that you’ve gone through. Thank you for being so brave to tell your story even though their are unloving “dolts” (thanks OldSchoolBetty – great word) who are trying to take away the severity of what happened to you.
Kate – you are loved and did not deserve to be raped nor did you deserve to be hurt by this ministry of people claiming to follow Christ.
June 24, 2010 2:19 PM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
Carla- your heart is beautiful. 🙂 Your compassion for Kate is obvious here and I love it. Other than questioning Anon’s salvation, I totally stand behind what you have to say here (I just get really wary when people start bringing something as heavy as salvation into question- just cause he’s being a troll doesn’t mean necessarily that he doesn’t know God. 😉 It’s not you; I see it on both sides).
“you are loved and did not deserve to be raped nor did you deserve to be hurt by this ministry of people claiming to follow Christ.”
^ This. It’s the whole point! Love it!!
June 24, 2010 2:41 PM
Carla said…
I’m not questioning Shitstorm’s salvation. I was merely saying I didn’t want him/her to be put into the same category as myself. GOD can sort us into whichever categories He wants and He will. However, on earth, when you’re an unloving person with no empathy or compassion for those who were RAPED, you need to get a clue.
June 24, 2010 2:55 PM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
Aaaaaahhhh, I see what you’re saying. I apologize for falsely accusing you then!
It’s all so clear now 😉
June 24, 2010 3:12 PM
Mikaela said…
Kate,
I want to congratulate you for finding the strength to tell your story. It’s a very important step towards recovery, and I’m proud of you. We should all feel honored that you chose to tell your story first on this site. It sounds like you’ve just begun the healing process, and I hope you keep finding the healing you need. No shame, Sweetheart. There’s nothing you could’ve possibly done to deserve what happened to you.
I know what you mean about hardly remembering anything that happened at the cult. It’s difficult for me to remember the details, too.
Now that you’ve told your story, you’re free from so many things, and when you’re ready you can get more help and support and get your life back. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. I hope you’ll post an update story in 6 months or a year telling all of us how your recovery is going.
June 24, 2010 3:35 PM
Candor said…
Yes, I agree with Mikaeala. I would love to hear an update in 6-12 months. Good luck, Kate!! You are loved!!
June 24, 2010 3:48 PM
Mike said…
I apologize for the lack of grace to the perpetrator of this offence. It just angers me to no end when a supposed “Christian” treats a young woman like an object, and then has the audacity to blame his sins on her. Added to that, as near as I can tell from Kate’s story he has expressed zero remorse. I recognize his need for a savior, but all the same he is still fully accountable for his actions, and being “troubled” doesn’t excuse them. We all deserve hell, but there are some offenses that are particularly vile. Even non-believers have the moral compass to know that when you pull yourself off of a crying girl, and then promptly treat her like garbage, you don’t get to claim the moral high ground. I do pray that one day this guy will feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit and work up the guts to confess his sin before God, repent and apologize to Kate, but until he does I feel no qualms about saying what he did was wrong and abhorrent, and deserving of punishment.
June 24, 2010 3:50 PM
Anonymous said…
mike, nobody is judging you. the dude is a RAPIST!!!
June 24, 2010 4:10 PM
Anonymous said…
Kate – I am so sorry that this was done to you. Just wanted to pile on the bandwagon of people saying that you are loved and absolutely did not deserve in any way what happened.
I’ve always wondered what the hell those guys were thinking who claimed divine knowledge of their future spouse immediately after graduating. Even if you DID have some word concerning who you should marry, wouldn’t that mean that you turn up the romance and charm? Dropping the God Bomb at square one is ridiculous.
June 24, 2010 4:31 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
Mike – my comment was directed at the person right after your original comment. I do agree with you that what he did was wrong, abhorrent and deserving of punishment. No question about that. And I will fight all day long for Kate’s right to confront him and tell her story in any way she feels is necessary.
At the same time, I am uncomfortable with us calling him names and looking down on him. For me personally, I know that is a dangerous thing. I have to remember everyday that I am just as sinful as He is, even though my sins look prettier. I can be very tempted to get on my horse and look down at others, so I don’t have to look at myself. If he were ever to come to this community with sincere repentance, I would want him to feel welcome here.
Of course, I totally understand your reaction, Mike, and I don’t fault you for it. Again, my comment was towards “shitstorm.”
June 24, 2010 4:32 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
Clarification – by calling names I meant perv and scumbag. I wouldn’t consider the word rapist as calling names.
June 24, 2010 4:33 PM
Jacqueline said…
Dear Heavenly Father,
You are so good. Thank you for loving Kate by giving her a unique soul, personality, body, preferences, sense of humor, and charm. You created her beautiful and wonderful.
Please carry her through this entire process. Help her to find deep hope and satisfaction in you. Help her to find a place of absolute rest and healing through all the attacks on her person-hood that happened when she was trying to please you and learn more about you. Please reveal yourself to her in a new way God. Help her to discover the joy of being her! Help her to become free to be herself!
God, you are the giver of all good gifts, please bring friends and wise mentors into Kate’s life who will totally cherish and accept her, quirks and all. You gave her those awesome quirks so she can find pleasure in you in a way that nobody else on the earth can! That’s really great God, you are so incredibly creative and generous to us. Please show Kate why you are madly in love with her, and wash her tears away. You are so good Father.
Please help her learn what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not. Please help her know that you do not require her to ignore the things that happened to her, and that you want her to be innocent within her heart again, free of the false religion and sexual abuse she experienced.
Father, please shower Kate with your love in a way that is tangible to her, in the things that she loves be it music, art or nature. . . help her to see your love wherever she looks, wrap her up in your mantle of protection and mercy and seal it with the kiss of a holy Father.
Thank you God for your goodness. Thank you for creating Kate out of your goodness, you are generous with us God to share with us your precious daughter. You must be so proud of her.
Love you Daddy.
June 24, 2010 4:47 PM
Shannon Kish said…
Wow. Who knew that someone sharing a heart wrenching story about being raped would cause so much drama?
Kate, I am a truly sorry for what you went through. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it must of been for you to write those words. I am sorry that you were treated as if this was YOUR fault and as if you were to blame. You are NOT to blame, you have no fault in this at all. I commend you for being able to come forward and share your story. A few mentioned joining a rape victims group and I would second that. I think being able to process this with a counselor would be very beneficial to you.
Please join us in the forum so that we can continue to share our empathy, love and support.
June 24, 2010 5:20 PM
The Cult Next Door said…
Kate, When I read your story today at work I sat in my cubicle, with tears streaming down my face…you will be in my prayers often.
This guy needs to be confronted. DH needs to take responsibilty for the judgement he passed on this young woman and the actions it led this abuser to take.
Someone please, please take legal action against these people.
June 24, 2010 6:46 PM
Shiloh said…
Wow Kate.
I haven’t gotten emotional over T.M. in MONTHS.
You’re story just brought it back.
I know you have probably long since recovered, but I seriously wish I could reach out, hug you, cry with you and burn down the T.M. campus. (Yes. That is VERY true. Burn it all.)
A lot of these Anon’s are lucky you’re running the blog R.A.
I would have deleted all their comments. Screw ‘fairness.’
And at Anon, I mean no disrespect, your ‘questions’ are stupid, and serve no point. You ask questions because your talk is B.S. and want to waist everyone’s time.
THANK YOU KATE!!!!
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!!!!!!
I’m so grateful for your story, it has touched my heart deeply.
sharing the things you shared takes GUTS and shows that your hope is not in this world or what it thinks. And also that your God wins.
About the guy and blaming ‘T.M.’
This is a PERFECT exsample of the way the cult chews you up and spits you out and expects you to just be fine and if situations arise after you leave and you’re like, ‘man, T.M. set me up for that to happen.’ Cult groopies are all, ‘No. It’s not ‘pookies’ fault (rabied dog) it’s YOUR FAULT’. You should have known that the dog was a monster even though it came up to you so cute, MADE you pet it, jumped in your lap, pretended to fall asleep then death gripped your leg, broke it and sent you to the hospitial. then came up to you and wanted you to pet it again! and no one can understand why you would be so ‘stupid/lame’ and not pet the dog. After all… The dog ‘loves’ you.
If the bible didn’t tell me to cuss I would flame it up here. Friggen brainwashed intern Anon June 24 8:40am doesn’t even read the post. I’m assuming, or they wouldn’t put some stupid copy and pasted “hey look we tried.” comment here. Forget T.M. And their bull crap confrence call. (Though, if it will help you, by all means listen. Please do! I’m just saying, ‘Friggen T.M.’)
*Off my rant- I’m very thankful for your dream as well.
I had one very impacting dream about the cult last year (nearly exactly a year after I left.) I hadn’t found the blog yet when I had it.
over all gist – There is something internally messed up with T.M.
I don’t think it’s ‘Ron Luce.’ I don’t think it’s ‘Dave Hasz.’
They are people.
It’s demons being aloud to work through these men, BY those men.
Our only hope of ever ‘recovering’ Is that tender Voice on the panel. -Jesus Christ.
He will make all wrong things right.
June 24, 2010 7:30 PM
JustMe said…
@ the Anonymous ones being so callous, on this post and the others, is your behavior how you think Jesus would react if he were here writing on this blog? Because everything I’ve read in the Bible indicates that when He encountered someone who was hurting, He responded with GRACE and COMPASSION and MERCY and LOVE and KINDNESS, not statements like “Grow up”. Who are you to judge whether or not someone’s experience was really hurtful and whether or not they should be upset? Who are YOU to dictate how and when people should be done dealing with issues and able to “Move on” and “Just let go of the bitternes”? You claim that the community here is not behaving in a Christlike manner, I would challenge you to examine your own hearts and attitudes before you continue on the track you have been going. Do you really think that your misguided and hurtful and rude comments are going to make people suddenly go “Oh! Dude! You’re right! I’m totally in the wrong, it was perfectly okay that I was lied to/manipulated/abused/insert-action-here by others claiming to be Christians at a place that was supposed to be a safe environment for me to grow in.”. I am HORRIFIED by the attitude that you show. I only pray that God shows more compassion and mercy towards you than you are showing here.
June 25, 2010 1:37 AM
Mynda said…
Anon 12:00 & 12:34
You present yourself as the investigator trying to discover the “chinks”, but you reveal yourself to be a judge by your comments and tone. Tread carefully. Do you want to take on this burden? Are you yourself “without sin”? Even “Kate” stated that it is not her place to judge those who have done wrong against her and that even her time will come to be judged.
Thank goodness that we dont have to hold in our hurts, repress them and walk around like dead people. Im sure it has been hard for “Kate” to stand and testify here and I hope that it has truly brought more healing.
June 25, 2010 7:46 AM
Liz (Engskow) Davila said…
I think one of the most powerful things that has been said in regards to the rape is that rape is not about “sex”, but it is about control.
I’m not hopping on the “Dave Hasz is evil” bandwagon. And, I LOVE Kim W. She made a significant impact on my life because of the kind and gentle spirit she had (completely contradictory to what Kate is saying here, not trying to poke holes in her story, just saying that my experience was different).
However, as well intended as Hasz’s actions are, I think he has been missing the point. There is (and has been) a disproportionate emphasis on control (under the guise of self-control). Just because you have a clean room, you can run 5 miles a day and you are a genius because you have exceptional study skills, that does not mean anything in regards to your walk with the Lord. There are a lot of well-educated, clean cut, stone cold killers out there. Does anyone remember Ted Bundy?
I guess what I’m saying is that, through an inordinate amount of emphasis on control, TM could actually be reinforcing, or encouraging some very negative, controlling traits that are within individuals.
I think the problem with this whole thing is that there seems to be little to no humility on the part of the leadership at TM. They’ve “humbled” themselves in front of the Board of Directors, but they haven’t humbled themselves in front of the alumni. They have gone so far as to admit that something was wrong in the past and that they have since corrected those things, but I think they skipped the part of humbling themselves and asking for forgiveness. I am not bitter at TM and I hold no ill will towards them. I understand that we are all human and it can be exceptionally difficult to admit that something you’ve built, or believed in is not perfect and is, in fact, hurting many people. But, if we take Christ at His word, HE can heal it … but only through humility.
Oh what a wonderful thing to be free. 🙂
June 25, 2010 8:29 AM
Shannon Kish said…
Liz,
You are spot on!
June 25, 2010 8:46 AM
kate said…
Liz,
I think you are on point, I just wanted to add that I’m not on a “Dave Hasz is evil” bandwagon, or Kim W. for that matter. And I do think that Kim is a good and kind woman. I hope I have not given the impression that I think either of them is ‘evil’, it is not my intention to vilify anyone or take away from someone’s positive experience with the HA. I wish that had been my experience.
I think leadership is misguided. My dealings with the HA was very ‘letter of the law’, no grace, no love.
I think if I had been shown grace, love acceptance that would have gone a long was for me.
I think your point about leadership not humbling themselves to those of us who have been or are hurting would be a tremendous step.
June 25, 2010 11:22 AM
firegirl said…
Kate,
I was on your Albania ’95 trip and I was already in Garden Valley as an August ’96 intern when you arrived in January ’97. We definitely know each other, but now I wish we’d known each other better.
I just finished reading through all 3 parts of your story and I am literally shaking. Your story affected me viscerally in a way that none of the other stories have. Maybe it’s because I know you; maybe it’s because I was present during your story but completely clueless about your struggle.
I want to apologize on behalf of all of us who were there focusing on our own experience and were oblivious to the ridiculousness of what you were going through. My time at TM was no picnic, but what I regret most when I look back on those years are the things I didn’t say and the questions I didn’t ask and the things I didn’t know, especially during my first year. I was honestly never aware of this whole “bad seed” or “problem child” idea until reading some of the stories on this blog, but I think that I should have been. Many of us allowed our own spiritual journey to consume us too much and we weren’t actively looking to help others who were having an even harder time.
So, that’s a long way to say that I’m sorry I didn’t make myself aware of what was going on with you and your inane personal dress code and the constant judgment and all of that nonsense. I’m sorry that we didn’t fight for you and that we let you just fade away.
I emailed RA with my contact info, so if you remember me (I had a twin which often makes me more memorable since I’m a novelty) and want to talk, I’d really like to reconnect — even if it’s just briefly.
June 25, 2010 3:31 PM
Old School Betty said…
Firegirl:
You know me too from staying at my apt in Tulsa. I am just trying to figure out which half you are in the equation.
Nice to see you on here too.
June 25, 2010 7:49 PM
Philip E said…
Now I’m trying to figure out who you are firegirl. I was in Albania ’95 too as well as August ’96. Hmm.
June 26, 2010 1:27 AM
Marci said…
Kate I feel the exact same way as Firegirl – I was in your class. After I first came across this blog I contacted all the girls who were in my room and all the other alumni I keep in touch with and sent them this link. I wanted to hear from each one of them personally to see if they had any wounds they were recovering from, to discuss their experience and aplogize if I had any part in it. I wasn’t able to tell from your story which January intern you were, but I agree with Firegirl. Even if I didn’t personally experience the same pain during my time at TM, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t happending to other people. Kate I’m so sorry that I was so wrapped up in my own journey as to not see that suffering around me. And it is worth repeating, what happened to you was NOT your fault. I’m sick with disappointment and disgust that any guy from our class could have done this to you. I’m so so very sorry on his behalf and all of our class for not fighting for you.
Firegirl: I remember the twins – now which one are you? 🙂 RA has my info if you or Kate ever want to get in touch.
I’ll be praying for you Kate that God would bring you a complete healing. I heard a wonderful speaker this weekend who likened a past negative sexual experience to a scar she had from a tatoo. While the tatoo image will always remain a part of her, with time and God’s healing power, that scar doesn’t hurt anymore. My prayer is that God’s deep healing power will work through all your wounds from your time at TM. Kate may you be filled with a deep peace and His everlasting love. May you some day look back on that scar and see only evidence the strength within you that overcame it.
~Marci
June 28, 2010 8:20 AM
frustrated with ha sexism said…
i can’t tell you how much i am sorry for your experiences! how traumatic!
i will say that i believe good things came out of my experiences at tm. better things came out of my 2nd year there.
but i continually felt that tm needed a MAJOR revamp in the issue of their women’s program, and how men in leadership viewed women. i had a downright HORRIBLE so called “advisor” who did things that are downright sinful. i won’t go into details. the other problem is that i always felt tm had this weird, skewed idea of men and women. tm thinks men are just always running around with lustful thoughts because women can’t learn to stop seducing them. i was so angry when dave hasz passed a new rule at the end of my GI year that male interns were now allowed to play sports on campus without shirts on. we women had just had a long and detailed “event” in which we were told how displaying physical flesh was so evil! and how if we showed any skin we were pairing up with the devil to seduce men who can’t help themselves because they’re men. they’re excused just because of their male gender from controlling themselves. all responsibility for their lust issues was resting on OUR shoulders. and now here we were forced to view muscular, sweaty, half-naked men running around playing sports and not have any lustful thoughts! like somehow lust is only a men’s issue. like somehow only men enjoy looking at women’s bodies, and women are totally NOT turned on by men’s bodies. because that would be sinful and we women have just gone through all this training on how not to be sinful by hiding our bodies from lustful men who can’t control themselves. i complained about this new rule directly to dave hasz once i learned he was the one responsible for passing this rule. women weren’t even allowed to wear 2 piece bathing suits and had to be completely covered walking to and from the pool, but yet we could look out our windows and see half naked guys tackling each other playing football????? and HOW on earth is this possibly fair??
i don’t know if that rule has been changed. it’s been years since i’ve been involved with tm. but i was so outraged by their downright sexist behavior while there. men are NOT superior to women! men can and should control themselves. men are supposed to be guarding our hearts and protecting us and according to the bible a husband is to love his wife as christ loves the church, even to the point of the husband’s death! i would like to see tm (male) leadership exhibiting this attitude toward the female interns!!
June 29, 2010 5:00 AM
Anonymous said…
I agree that virginity is different things to different people. Being raped means you didn’t give your consent and in my opinion still makes you a virgin.
I hope you can find support group or help, no one should have to deal with this all alone!
June 29, 2010 11:57 AM
ShadowVoice said…
Kate, I just wanted to say I am praying for you, if you will accept the prayers of a broken girl. Your story has stood out to me the most of anyone’s if for no other reason than I know what it’s like to be raped by one of the “elite” (as I like to call them).
I did not lose my virginity that way (thank God), though I almost did and I feel for you having to have such a horrific experience be your first. I got messed up enough from simply being attacked a couple years out from the HA, despite his growing a conscience at the last minute and not going through with what he’d started… He had been a good friend and crush during the HA and we’ve since repaired that rift it caused, but the experience sent me spiraling and I can only imagine what yours did.
I don’t blame TMM for what happened, but there were some crazy, unnecessary measures of separation during the HA and warped views of guilt we’d been given (separately, not together!) that didn’t… well… help. In your case, I can see being blamed for the lusts of men as one of those that could send the wrong message…
Unfortunately, I have learned first-hand about what has been called “justifiable rape,” where in short, signals get crossed and guys find a way to excuse it by saying they thought she wanted it, or that they were justified because she led them on and was just playing them, whatever. Just another way to pass the blame- which has hardly originated from TMM. However, I have had the struggle of having found myself in that situation with an elite. I made the mistake of thinking he was as honorable as everyone else still thinks he is, with almost 2 years under his belt and a shining reputation. I trusted him, called him my friend for 10 years before finding myself waking up to brutally discovering otherwise. One of the hardest parts for me is that I can’t go around calling him out on it- it’s both against my nature and with some of my life choices, I can see myself as never being believed. It is a secret torment I understand a lot more than I wish I did, and my heart goes out to you.
July 1, 2010 11:19 PM
ShadowVoice said…This post has been removed by the author.July 1, 2010 11:20 PM
ShadowVoice said…
PS, I remember RL teachings of old which told us we AREN’T animals and are completely capable of controlling ourselves… Gotta say I was a little shocked to hear that anyone at TMM would go so far as to say the opposite concerning men. I understood the modest dress teachings to be fairly sound in that we should try to keep from tempting men that aren’t ours, yet to blame a woman for being completely responsible for the directions a man’s thoughts take? Where do we draw the line here and how do the teachings line up?
July 1, 2010 11:26 PM