I have been a Christian nearly all my life. I loved Jesus and knew that Jesus loved me, and right around the summer of my fourteenth year, God called me to be a full time missionary overseas. I saw how many missions Teen Mania sponsored, so the year of my seventeenth birthday I applied and was on my way across the world to spread the word about Jesus.
I was so excited. There was nothing else that I thought about, and as the deadline for the trip drew near, I also applied go to Honor Academy. In fact, I even got accepted. I had a friend who had gone there, and I was stoked. Then my mom pulled up a couple of websites, including this blog, and I found myself second guessing. However, I didn’t worry about it too much as I went overseas that summer.
But something was wrong. Something felt very, very wrong.
Before officially setting out to the mission field with Global Expeditions, you spend a couple days at the Honor Academy for training. It was awesome when I arrived. There was live worship, and inspiring messages, and people who truly and genuinely loved Jesus. There were people who had my heart for missions, for the poor, and for the gospel. I couldn’t wait to finally go. I had waited for so long to go to this country, to meet its people who I already loved. How were we going to do it? We were going to put on dramas and share our testimonies through the help of translators. We were going to do street ministry. And in reality it was awesome. Why? Because I was obeying Jesus with every cell of my body. I was being Jesus, because Jesus is God, and God is love. [1 John 4:8] But sadly, there are things that happened overseas that I don’t want to talk about, because Teen Mania hurt me.
Here comes the really bad part.
Before departing to our foreign country, we had to learn our skit. It was eighteen minutes long and pretty cool, although it played really bad 80’s techno music. (Anyone else do the Journeyman?) At about one-o-clock in the afternoon we set out to practice our skit in the hot Texas sun. It wasn’t until twelve-thirty in the morning that we were allowed to finish. I had been dancing non-stop for twelve hours.
I remember there was a lot of yelling, a lot of telling me to suck it up. A lot of kneeling on the ground. (I had a hard time getting up, my ankles swollen from the arthritis I had just been diagnosed with.) I remember my team leader telling me that I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t think I could handle. If I ever felt tired or hurt, I could just stop. The reality? I was made guilty for my weakness, so I responded out of fear and the need to be accepted. For instance, I played one of the soldiers that nailed Jesus to the cross. I had to pretend to beat his wrists and his feet so when I stooped down to hammer, my project director yelled, “ Get on your knees when you do that!” His voice was harsh and I was humiliated. The tone of his voice brought me to tears. During a different scene, the same man came up, without looking at me, and shoved my hands in the right position. It unsettled me, and when I began to question, out loud, whether this was right, I was shut up with answers like, “He is just really passionate about this.” “They just want you to be better.” “He knows best. Be respectful.” And, later that night, when I was crying from lack of sleep I was told that I wasn’t relying on Jesus. This was my second day at Teen Mania, and I already started to feel violated. I felt guilty, but I knew something was wrong. Yes, God wants me to work hard, but God doesn’t force me to my knees. He doesn’t hurt me or embarrass me. He doesn’t like depriving me of sleep. God doesn’t want me to deliberately hurt myself in order to trust in Him more. Doing that is like saying God wants me to slit my wrist for His glory. [I would later find out that what I just described was summed up in a program called ESOAL.] Wasn’t my body a temple of the most high God? (1 Corinthians 6:19) Yet my opinions were strangled with cookie cutter answers and more guilt.
And it only got worse overseas.
For the next month, I almost never got any sleep. After a long hard day of mission work, we ate dinner and went upstairs for a project meeting. At times it was messages, other times it was encouragement, and strangely, a lot of it was telling us that we needed to suck up and deal with it. A lot of what I heard was, “You are disrespectful. You don’t have enough faith. You aren’t doing good enough. The reason you are sleepy is because you don’t trust God enough.” Many of us fell asleep in our chairs from exhaustion. When we did, we were yelled to stand against the wall to keep awake. Many of us fell asleep standing up. I had never been so tired in my entire life. And somehow, this was Godly? People do the same thing when they question terrorists.
Other times, the attitude in ministry was wrong. When we were prayer walking around temples, it seemed like a lot of people had a hateful attitude. And strangely, I had a hard time concentrating on prayer because people kept snapping at me. “Stay in line! Be quiet! Walk faster!” I was in line, I was quiet, and I was doing my best at keeping up. My best. So why were they speaking to me like that? Somehow my best wasn’t good enough, and I accepted that. People said they were angry and sickened by the temples and Hinduism. And while I understand to be angry at the devil for his deception, I felt like a lot of it got turned on the people. The ignorant, lost people.
For instance, a couple of my friends and I were visiting with a Hindu priest’s wife. She was a widow and the pastor in that town frequently visited her and read her the Bible. The woman was so glad to see us, and very kind and intelligent and knew a lot about Scripture. We shared the gospel with her, and asked her questions about Hinduism. In the end, she didn’t accept Christ, and when asked why, she explained according to her faith in Hinduism. I beamed in pride for her, because somehow I knew that she would come to Christ. I felt it, and I still can’t explain it. I knew she would accept God soon, and I understood that it wasn’t going to be now. Then, out of nowhere, my team leader said [to the pastors with us], “Tell her that her husband is in hell.”
The pastors looked at him in shock. Had I just heard that? “We can’t say that,” they said, and even though it was the truth, such a saying would hurt more than help. Yes, hell needed to be discussed, [and a lot of churches in America neglect that issue] but we were here to be Jesus. Last time I checked, Jesus didn’t go around pointing out the sins of people. He said, “You are forgiven. Go out and sin no more.” Yet, much of our ministry was the exact opposite with project leader shouting, “Repent you sinners!” and yelling loudly at the top of his voice, often mocking them.
Before going on the trip, I had a picture in my head about witnessing to an old woman in front of her house, and I did! God spoke through me, giving me words that I would have never thought of. Then my team leader cut in, telling me all the points I missed, completely losing my train of thought. She was upset because I didn’t use the cookie-cutter, read from a script gospel she had given me.
And the sad thing is, I didn’t want to speak up. I was too afraid to stand up for myself, for the people, or for Jesus. Why? Because every time I even said anything remotely contrary to what Teen Mania said, I was shut down, sometimes even mid-sentence in front of everyone. [“Oh, nice thought. Next?”] I couldn’t share my testimony with people, because I was judged. I couldn’t tell people what I was feeling; tell people that I dealt with depression, or that I was in pain from my arthritis, because I was pounded for it.
Which brings me to the health issue. Not only did I have pretty weird conversations with people about my depression medication, but many people deemed it as my reliance on the world. “You are sick because you are doubting God,” they concluded. In fact, I only found one person who actually showed any sympathy, and the result was me being quiet, feeling guilty and alone and just wanting to disappear. When my ankles swelled up to the size of grapefruits, no one did anything. When my friend had a hot burning rash that covered her entire body and her face swelled up, no one took her to the doctor. When my friend was throwing up and I ran upstairs to tell an adult, I was sent back down with nothing, no one, and a couple of why-the-heck-did-you-do-that looks as well as a couple of disrespectful words.
Another time I came back to our settlement crying, my ankles hurting and my body about to collapse. I asked my team leader if I could go lay down and they told me to ask my core advisor. I asked him, and I burst into tears. “Why do you need to go lay down?” he asked unkindly. Then added, “What? Now you are going to cry because you didn’t get what you wanted?” He refused and told me to sit down in worship. It made it worse, and I ended up standing up anyways. I was scared someone would comment if I was sitting down.
And there were little things too. I couldn’t ever call my family. Any emotion that I showed what-so-ever was pretty much stomped on. I was constantly being told that I needed to step up and be better, but in reality, I was giving all of myself. I was giving every last inch of my body, my mind, and my soul. Looking back I realize that the only thing that got me through my Global Expeditions trip was Jesus. “Remember why you are here,” He told me when I was crying one night. “I sent you here for a reason.” And it was true. I saw the blind see, the deaf hear, and hundreds of people come to Christ. I saw God in work. I saw the persecution of the foreign church, and I met some of the most amazing people in the entire world. I fell in love with Jesus all over again, and God reassured me of my calling and so much more. He taught me that I can get through anything and that He would always be there. He taught me discernment in teaching and how to respond out of love in all situations.
Who taught me that? God. Not me, not my team leader, and not Teen Mania.
You may be wondering why I haven’t mentioned my name, or the country I went to. The truth? I don’t want the same people to judge me again. In fact, I am quite afraid of writing this, because someone will figure it out sooner or later and I will probably get an email in my Facebook inbox saying that I have been deceived and need to beat my body and my mind.
So in the end, I am still confused how to feel about Teen Mania. On one hand, I see God changing the hearts of people all around the world and on the other hand I see false doctrine that borders the line of absurdity. I see good and wonderful people from the Honor Academy, and I see people who make me want to run in the other direction. In all, I know they mean well. I know they don’t want to hurt me or other people, and I know they want to encourage growth toward God. But still, there are things that need to be changed. There are some things that I cannot bring myself to go through at the Honor Academy or at Global Expeditions. Because instead of feeling confident in the Lord, I feel almost guilty. I feel guilty that I have arthritis or that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that I can’t control. I feel bad that I was looked on as, “not willing to take the challenge,” when in reality, I am taking the biggest challenge of my life. The one God gave me. The one He told me when I was fourteen, and the one he encourages me in every day instead of tearing me down…
If there is anything that I have learned in full it is that my God is not a God of fear, and He is not a God who tells me I am not good enough. He is my strength and salvation, and He is the reason I continue to live and breathe. So while I didn’t have such a good time with Global Expeditions, I can tear that part aside and still see the wonderful things that happened, the miracles that God did through me, as a person. I don’t think I need much else, and Teen Mania isn’t going to change that…ever. Because the judgment of Global Expeditions didn’t change the world that summer, the love of God did.
24 comments:
I am so so sorry for what you’ve gone through under the guise of Christianity.
Please don’t feel guilty about the depression. It is not your fault. It doesn’t indicate a lack of faith. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure or haven’t prayed hard enough or anything like that. I was told those things while I was dealing with PostPartum Depression and it is simply not true. Yes, God can heal/take away depression/etc., but sometimes he chooses not to. It’s not a sign of shortcoming or lack of faith. Example: at the end of my year at the HA, one of the guys in my class died. He’d been in a car wreck and been in a coma in the hospital. The whole campus, plus our family and friends, were praying and believing for his healing. It didn’t happen. Prayer and faith are not a vending machine that we get to use to control God and make him do what we want.
Anyways, I lost my train of thought… I’m sorry that you had to go through what you did and I pray that there is no long-term damage as a result.
Wow That is so sad that people behaved like that to you when your heart was for the people in your country! God is love and Love doesn’t act like that. *HUGS*
Well said Lacey (and Esther and Red). I’m glad that you recognize God’s voice and call on you. He can work in all circumstances…((hugs))
Lacey, thank you for sharing your story! I am so saddened, but not surprised as it really resonates and shares striking similarities to a lot of our experiences too. I am SO glad you were able to see the difference between God’s love and TM’s mission. Please don’t feel guilty for any of this. You are loved.
Lacey,
I believe you and I went to the same area of the world with Teen Mania, but I went in 1998 and 1999. I even wrote a book about my experiences in Asia with TM and am currently looking for a publisher. I think my experiences were tame in comparison with yours, but if you would like someone to talk to who has been to that part of the world under TM’s leadership and dealt with the aftermath, I would be happy to talk to you. RA has my e-mail and phone number.
I am saddened that you went through that. It seems like the ‘god’ that Teen Mania talks about is one that only condemns and does not provide salvation. But the true God is one that is both just and merciful. Our God out of His love sent a Savior, Jesus Christ. As someone that desires to do mission work as well, and has already, it was easy to lose light of loving the Lord when so many people are condemning me for something. But never let them cool your love for Christ. A pastor recently gave me a book (Words to Winners of Souls) that encourages anyone that seeks to win souls for Christ to have close communion with Him, “It is living fellowship with a living Savior which, transforming us into His image, fits us for being able and successful ministers of the gospel”. We could have all the skill and ability in the world but God is first seeking our affection for Him. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, and that’s coming from someone who has been down that road of discouragement.
I’m so sorry you went through all of this. I think it’s wonderful, though, that you were able to recognize early that something was wrong, and through it all you were able to hold onto your love and passion for this country. Your story has an understanding of your own situation that it took me almost ten years to come to. Stay amazing.
Tell her that her husband is in hell?! WHAT THE WHAT!
Thanks, you guys.
Keep praying for the people of India.
There, I said it. 🙂
Thanks for the encouragement. I thought I was crazy or something.
Hold unto the love of Christ, it is one of the things that will last forever.(faith, hope, and love. Not Honor. Somehow that really resonated with me.)
~ “Lacey”
Thanks for sharing your story. I especially appreciate your final thoughts when you said
“I see good and wonderful people from the Honor Academy, and I see people who make me want to run in the other direction. In all, I know they mean well. I know they don’t want to hurt me or other people, and I know they want to encourage growth toward God. But still, there are things that need to be changed.”
That is a really mature point of view because most of the time we tend to judge others only by their actions while judging ourselves by our intentions. The biggest issue that I have with Teen Mania and the Honor Academy is the performance/rules based mentality. I know that their desire is to setup and environment to change hearts and lives but that doesn’t seem to be the result in many cases. Expectations are blanket for everyone and there is no grace for those who need it.
Thank you for sharing your story, Lacey. I think your story really illustrates that God does not use Teen Mania the organization to accomplish things as much as He uses the individual people whose hearts are centered on Him and who are really striving to be His hands and feet in the world to accomplish things for His kingdom.
Lacey,
I’m so sorry for your experience, and grateful with you as well that the Lord used you to be His hands, feet and mouth to India. I’ve been on a GE trip before and it was DRAMATICALLY different from your story. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but as I was reading I really got the feeling that it was more of your Team Leader and others on the trip that mistreated you and misrepresented the Gospel, and not just “Teen Mania” as a whole. Like I said, I’m incredibly sorry that you were treated the way that you were treated, but also wonder why you would want to sign up for a strenuous trip knowing your physical stipulations. GE has always been good about communicating (with me and many others that I know) what the physical part would be like, and think that maybe it should’ve been known up front that it would be incredibly physically strenuous.
I certainly don’t discount any hurt that has come to you because of the actions of the people you were with. And maybe I’m completely wrong. It does happen (more often than I like to admit). But I’ve seen something like this happen within our church, where the actions of several people gave the whole church ministry a bad name. I just don’t want to see that happening if that may be the case.
Thank you for your willingness to follow the Lord’s leading in your life to India, and into the rest of the world. I know that if you continue to seek Him with your whole heart He will continue to show up.
~Jules
Jules, I would just like to point out that one of the issues this group would like to see addressed by TM is better training, oversight, and accountability for lower level leadership positions within the ministry.
Jules,
Thanks. 🙂 I am very glad that you had a different experience. What country did you go to? (just curious)
I knew what it was going to be like physically. I have lived as a foreign missionary overseas and knew a lot more about how to handle it than many of the interns did. It was the fact that there was no compassion whatsoever that bothered me. I actually gave up treatment to go on the trip. I knew that I wouldn’t eat meat, or have AC or even have toilets. I have lived without hot water, clean water, or not being able to eat certain things, because I could get sick. I have lived in pretty extreme conditions by American standards. I am pretty used to that actually, so it wasn’t the conditions.
But thanks for your understanding. I certainly agree with you that not everyone at Teen Mania is mean. Actually, the person who took compassion on me was an intern. [she was the older sister I have always wanted.] :] So I think you are right there. I think you were paired with good people, who presented the gospel in a Christ-like way.
Thanks for the encouragement!
~ Lacey
But yeah,
Yes, Lacey…you are mature beyond your years. I’m so thankful you see that God has broken through this mess and anything good is from Him alone. This is my own conclusion as I try to make heads and tails of my missions and Honor Academy experience. The good was from God as well as meeting some other people that were genuine.
The Global Expeditions can vary widely based on the Project Directors, Team Leaders and Missionary Advisors themselves. My first year, Russia A 96 (there, incriminating details BAM) I was 15 and had the same kind of passion you describe. I was metaphorically slapped in the face by our Project Director who yelled at us the first time he saw our drama. That began my self reflection journey with Teen Mania. “was he right, what did I do wrong?”. My TLs that year were ok, but that PD had some serious issues with anger. My brother got him the next year in Venezuela, same thing.
The next year our PDs also pulled some crazy crap “punishing” us all for a few people being late for breakfast by not allowing anyone to use the bathroom the whole day of ministry. Yeah, parents would have loved that. My last year my PDs again pulled some crap I mentioned on my post on here a few months ago (Nicole’s Story), but my TLs and MA were nice. So yeah. I ramble. Bless you Lacey!
Lacey, you and all the others that have shared your stories make my heart break not only for you but for the Kingdom of God here on earth. I served on staff at TM briefly and was continuously disgusted by the way TM used and abused the interns during their time there. I was weekly reminded that TM did not live up to their own core value of integrity. I rarely if ever saw or heard of the grace and mercy we are freely given as followers of Christ. You and all the others are in my thoughts and prayers as you continue your recovery.
Lacey, you are NOT crazy. I see you commented about thinking that, but I’m pretty sure most of us have had that thought at some point. I still have it. It’s a natural part of the process, unfortunately with all these people telling us that we’re misunderstanding what happened. It’s not you, it’s abuse! Jesus never told His diciples to break people’s hearts and crush them for conversion. The people of India are also close to my heart 🙂
Lacey if you feel comfortable telling me what trip you were on I really wanna know. A woman that goes to my church went on a Missions trip to a similar religious climate with TM this year and I really wanna know if it was her because since I pointed out to her how dangerous this environment could be to kids before she went if you feel comfortable saying you can find me under heartsfire on the forum or just by sending it through RA
Lacey, you are a beautiful woman of God!
I am sorry for what you experienced this past summer. I am also very glad to hear how your faith was refined, reinforced and used this past summer.
Thank you for speaking up and sharing your concerns about your experience this past summer. This is proof of God’s strength in your life and His love in action, through you. To continue this, continue to pray for Teen Mania and those that hurt you. Pray that God softens their hearts and brings them to understand and live God’s love the way you know it.
Do not loose sight of the the things that God showed you and put on your heart for missions. He will use you where ever you are because of your heart that mirrors His love.
God Bless and may you continue to BE a blessing!
~ Blue Lantern
Did you REALLY “see the blind see and the deaf hear?” Really? That sounds so cliche and although I was raised in a charimatic church where it was preached all the time, I’ve never witnessed. Just wondered if you really, truly saw this happen or if it is just easy to write. Not trying to be a skeptic, but am curious.
Sheila,
I know that sounds very cliche, but it happened. There was this girl who stopped by the school when we were putting on the drama. My friend and a pastor started to pray over her, and then she just started responding to questions. Her mom and her came to Christ. It was the coolest thing I have ever seen.
Same thing with the blind. The woman just started seeing.
I have never witnessed anything like that before. :)And it was awesome.
However, before we left there was this thing when we were told that claiming things in Jesus’ name made it happen. After “dancing for twelve hours” I could barely walk or sit down. So while claiming things in Jesus’ name is powerful, it is ultimately Gods decision to heal. I felt bad because people would say, almost in these exact words, “If we pray for you I guarantee you will be healed.” So when I wasn’t healed or a person wasn’t healed before my eyes, I somehow felt that I wasn’t praying enough or faithful enough. This was another thing that bugged me a lot. God will heal everyone in their own time, and since I am not God, I do not get to determine that time.
Also, I noticed this in a lot of other GE story posts. A lot of it was just get in the village, do the play, pray for people and leave. Sometimes I wouldn’t even get to finish praying for someone. I don’t know why it was this way….I never really understood it. But when it was time to leave it was like a drill, line up in military fashion and get on the bus as quickly as possible. They would time us too, and if we weren’t fast enough (we never were) we were told about it later.
Also, the “get on your knees” thing, people kept telling me to do that. Whenever that scene came on, people were all, “Lacey, don’t forget to get on your knees.” They would sometimes even whisper it to me during the scene. I felt really stupid that people kept saying that to me, as if I forgot the initial reaction to being yelled at the first time….
The dogs are not sleeping. Repeat: The dogs are not sleeping.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Lacey. How cruel of them to make you feel guilty for something that wasn’t even wrong! And the very idea that any professing Christian could say something as revolting as “Tell her her husband is in hell” makes my blood boil. What an example of manipulation!
I’m so glad that the Lord is able to work in spite of Teen Mania’s efforts to the contrary. “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.”
Lacey, I was on Panama A ’00 and we had a similar thing with people being all about “Name it or claim it”.