(2023: This is one of ~80 posts located in the drafts folder and not archived by the Wayback Machine. The post was started by the original Recovering Alumni. The additions made to the original post by the current RA will be italicized. Other changes were formatting and aesthetic decisions.)
One former member observed that she isn’t an Ex-cult member she is a “Recovering cult member.”
The control in spiritually abusive systems is so strong that people report they have been affected for years afterwards. It is for this reason that the WITHDRAWAL STAGES should be well understood by everyone.
STAGE ONE:
This often begins almost immediately after conversion. The mind and will may be completely taken over by the logic presented by the cult. However, the gut feeling, emotions, or conscience often indicates that something is not quite right.
For me, I was pretty sold to the cult for years thanks to Acquire the Fire & Global Expeditions. I do not remember a lot of gut feelings however, my relationship with God seemed to have shifted drastically. I went from feeling like I was hearing his voice almost daily to utter silence and I was confused on why since I knew that this was his plan for me. I spent quite some time feeling like something was not right.
STAGE TWO:
This doubt causes a feeling of guilt which the person attempts to stuff and deny. The guilt drives him or her to deeper resolve to “do right” or submit and to ignore any information that conflicts with the cults’ message. However, the conscience continues to exert itself causing the person to question things. Most people don’t know what to question. They may question the “standards”, the existence of God or the truth of the scripture. They rarely have enough wisdom to question the history or the doctrine of the group.
This stage took a chunk of time to come to fruition for me. I immediately dug deeper, or committed, but wouldn’t start questioning things until 15-20 months into my internship.
STAGE THREE:
The person will give lip service to the group but in reality often behaves or does things that are against the rules. This causes even more guilt and more resolve to “get right.”
I definitely did this immediately. Once I was deemed “not good enough” for IET training I decided to embellish my accountability cards so I could qualify. I broke minor rules or behaved that was counter to the values (namely by keeping a bodacious mullet). The spirit was there, but I just couldn’t “keep up” with my peers since I was so not Type-A personality.
STAGE FOUR:
If the person is observant and alert, he or she may notice some discrepancies between what the scripture says and what is done within the group. Or he may hear of a scandal or problem that bothers him. This may worry some people but many others just think, “Oh, well, the people aren’t perfect but the organisation or church is perfect.” Or “Oh well, what can I do?” or “Oh well, God will take care of it.”
STAGE FIVE:
The person may hear of the history of the church and begin to wonder why he was lied to regarding the founder of the group. An inquisitive person may begin an investigation. At this point, the person usually becomes very quiet and fearful about letting others know of his questions. By this time he has found out that it is socially unacceptable to voice any doubts.
STAGE SIX:
The denial stage in which the person decides to ignore all the warning signs. They are actually afraid of or angry at anyone who has information that exposes the deceit of the workers. Some people NEVER get past this stage. They are hostile towards any information that spotlights the deceit and errors of the group.
At the peak BS of my internship, I had well ignored all of the warning signs (including my suicidal ideation). I do not remember anyone having information exposing the deceit, but I definitely remember being angry at one particular person for leaving. Looking back, I believe that I was more jealous than angry.
STAGE SEVEN:
The “Don’t know what to think” stage. MANY people get stuck here. They will try to figure things out on their own. They are suspicious of everyone. They don’t trust their friends or family and they don’t trust themselves. They don’t trust traditional Christianity. They don’t trust the information that exposes the group. They may not trust the scripture and might try to find reasons to believe the Bible wasn’t translated correctly. This stage is very critical. The stress of it can cause illness, anxiety, nightmares, emotional problems, marital problems, divorce, destructive accidents because of so much mental preoccupation, suicide, hostility and anger. Some report a problem with nausea, clenched teeth or other outward signs of tension. This stage is extremely painful and frightening. Usually the longer a person or his family has been in the group, the more painful it is.
At this stage, some people try to reason with the leaders. They will either arrange for visits or write long agonizing letters. Some hope that they can change the system or get some to agree with them. They are AMAZED at the total inability of leaders to hear what they are saying. However, some will agree with their arguments, pat them on the head and try to smooth their ruffled feelings.
STAGE EIGHT:
The state in which a decision is made to leave the group. The person may go in several directions. They may become angry at God, or become an agnostic or atheist. They may try to start their own spiritual quest or church in the home. They may reach out to secular psychology for relief. Or, they may hook into another cult. They may decide to just let the spiritual part of their life hang in mid-air for awhile. Some people get stuck in a yo-yo syndrome: they will leave the church, go back to the church, leave, go back, leave and go back. They rarely ever figure out what the church believes or even what they believe. Or, they may become born again as a result of doing some intense praying, in-depth study and reaching out to normal Christian information. This stage is extremely crucial. If a married couple doesn’t agree or reach this stage together it can destroy their marriage.
Almost total rejection from the group and professing family occurs if the person announces his new allegiance to Christ instead of to the group system.
This was a long stage for me. My parents had a sort of intervention in my 22nd month of the internship and I would finally leave two months later. I floundered mentally and spiritually for roughly 3 years before ultimately leaving the faith. I yo-yo’d between “backslidden Christian” (drinking and whoring) and super pious. I was convinced I was crazy and got a few psych evals. This also included a week in a mental ward for suicide. I almost did not survive this stage.
STAGE NINE:
The state in which the old personality disintegrates and a new one is formed. The person will get rid of old clothes, old hairstyles, old possessions. Some people experience a lot of anxiety in adjusting to a new identity because their whole self concept was so closely tied to the group attitude towards themselves. New interests, charitable activities and hobbies are found. Bible study and Bible classes become the new excitement if one has been born again. The person rejoices at every new day and has a sense of peace. The world looks beautiful, people seem wonderful, nature seems to glow with the power and beauty of God. If a satisfactory church is found the person finds a great deal of happiness.
For me, this was when I became an atheist, bi/pan-sexual and genderqueer. I used to tell people, still do, that who I was in high school is the complete opposite of who I am now and that they’d probably not like me too much back then. This has actually opened the door to some weird Impostor Syndrome regarding my queer identity.
STAGE TEN:
The person is in constant amazement at the difference between the old life and the new life. The person is able to pity those who are still in the old group and will eventually be able to laugh about his old experiences. The person will often want to reach out to others whom he has known while in the group. He feels a strong need to talk about the experience in order to understand the strong emotions and confusion he felt while inside the group. Talking to other ex-professing people seems to be the best therapy for those going through this process. Writing down what one has heard, experience and believes also helps clarify one’s thoughts.
This is absolutely how I feel now. I love randomly dropping, “When I was at my cult…” and watching people’s reactions. At the same time, I feel like I need to keep my experience alive because it seems like it won’t seem real anymore. It is a weird juxtaposition. Life overall is great and I feel like my future is bright. This wasn’t always the case, especially during stage 8.
