The article below, found here, discusses an individual’s experience in the aftermath of leaving a cult. Though I do not consider the Honor Academy a full blown cult, (updated June 2011 – I do now!) I think that many of these characteristics apply to interns as well. I reprint it here in its entirety:
After exiting a cult, an individual may experience a period of intense and often conflicting emotions. She or he may feel relief to be out of the group, but also may feel grief over the loss of positive elements in the cult, such as friendships, a sense of belonging or the feeling of personal worth generated by the group’s stated ideals or mission. The emotional upheaval of the period is often characterized by “post-cult trauma syndrome”:
- spontaneous crying
- sense of loss
- depression & suicidal thoughts
- fear that not obeying the cult’s wishes will result in God’s wrath or loss of salvation
- alienation from family, friends
- sense of isolation, loneliness due to being surrounded by people who have no basis for understanding cult life
- fear of evil spirits taking over one’s life outside the cult
- scrupulosity, excessive rigidity about rules of minor importance
- panic disproportionate to one’s circumstances
- fear of going insane
- confusion about right and wrong
- sexual conflicts
- unwarranted guilt
The period of exiting from a cult is usually a traumatic experience and, like any great change in a person’s life, involves passing through stages of accommodation to the change:
- Disbelief/denial: “This can’t be happening. It couldn’t have been that bad.”
- Anger/hostility: “How could they/I be so wrong?” (hate feelings)
- Self-pity/depression: “Why me? I can’t do this.”
- Fear/bargaining: “I don’t know if I can live without my group. Maybe I can still associate with it on a limited basis, if I do what they want.”
- Reassessment: “Maybe I was wrong about the group’s being so wonderful.”
- Accommodation/acceptance: “I can move beyond this experience and choose new directions for my life” or…
- Reinvolvement: “I think I will rejoin the group.”
- Passing through these stages is seldom a smooth progression. It is fairly typical to bounce back and forth between different stages. Not everyone achieves the stage of accommodation / acceptance. Some return to cult life. But for those who do not, the following may be experienced for a period of several months:
- flashbacks to cult life
- simplistic black-white thinking
- sense of unreality
- suggestibility, ie. automatic obedience responses to trigger-terms of the cult’s loaded language or to innocent suggestions
- disassociation (spacing out)
- feeling “out of it”
- “Stockholm Syndrome”: knee-jerk impulses to defend the cult when it is criticized, even if the cult hurt the person
- difficulty concentrating
- incapacity to make decisions
- hostility reactions, either toward anyone who criticizes the cult or toward the cult itself
- mental confusion
- low self-esteem
- dread of running into a current cult-member by mistake
- loss of a sense of how to carry out simple tasks
- dread of being cursed or condemned by the cult
- hang-overs of habitual cult behaviors like chanting
- difficulty managing time
- trouble holding down a job
Most of these symptoms subside as the victim mainstreams into everyday routines of normal life. In a small number of cases, the symptoms continue.
In addition to my own life, I know of MANY former interns who have experienced these symptoms in their post-Teen Mania life. If Teen Mania is so healthy, why is that the case?
Dave Hasz would argue that he could spend a year with the interns just “sipping soda” and some of them would walk away hurt. I agree with that assessment.
However, at what point, do you begin to recognize a repeated pattern? The percentage of interns who experience these symptoms is likely higher than would be tallied under any normal, healthy environment. The only reason you don’t hear more about them is that they have been silenced through threats, guilt and manipulation. And with the misuse of Matthew 18, those interns who do speak out are only heard by Dave and Ron. And their complaints are apparently falling on deaf ears.
34 comments:
RA, I think this is the most unnerving entry you’ve posted.
I personally have gone through 90% of those symptoms, including going back. Stockholm all the way.
Wow.
I wish there were another term for a group that isn’t quite a cult because it doesn’t restrict a member’s access to family or friends; that seems to be the missing element here compared to e.g. the Wikipedia definition of a cult.
I have experienced about 96% of these as well. Makes you think you are crazy after awhile and wonder what happened to the “old” you. I hate that feeling of being caught “in between” lies and truth….post TM life. It was hard for me personally to function in the “real” world after TM. I constantly would hold that TM standard up in my head and sometimes still do! Over 10 years later! Ugh. I held those things so high in regard for soooooo long that it is hard to think about letting them go. Because then what?? I am trusting God to lead me to his grace and truth instead of man’s way of being and doing.
I am so thankful for this blog as well because when I started reading, I had a major lightbulb moment in my journey to truth. I never connected alot of my struggles with what I learned through my TM experience.
MDSF: some use the term “aberrant religious group” as an alternative to the word cult.
this may have been one of the more difficult posts to swallow, if only because it hit so close to home.
the first list of things could be a personality profile of my life post-TM…and I almost find myself feeling guilty at the absolute mess that i was, because of the weight my friends and family had to carry as a result of my total brokenness.
RA, i’m sure you looked at the rest of that website the article you used was on, but the article called “leaving the spiritually abusive system: the withdrawal stages” was particularly illuminating as well, especially stages six through ten.
i know it’s been said a million times, but thank you for this site. from stage ten of the withdrawal stages: “The person is in constant amazement at the difference between the old life and the new life. The person is able to pity those who are still in the old group and will eventually be able to laugh about his old experiences. The person will often want to reach out to others whom he has known while in the group. He feels a strong need to talk about the experience in order to understand the strong emotions and confusion he felt while inside the group. Talking to other ex-professing people seems to be the best therapy for those going through this process. Writing down what one has heard, experience and believes also helps clarify one’s thoughts.”
thank you for providing a safe place for us to be able to talk through, write about, and discuss our own experiences as well as other alumni. it’s so appreciated.
can’t say enough how AMAZING this site is. Thank you so much for the healing you are bringing to people.
Wow. Good post. I mean, kind of. 🙂 No one LIKES to hear this stuff. But wow. I’m glad I did.
It continues to shock me when I think on my time at the Honor Academy: My experience with Teen Mania was not my fault. And the teaching I got there and the environment was so unhealthy. I fought to be the model intern so often and just couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t able achieve the goal. It’s because the goal was a big fat lie.
I definitely experienced MOST of those, ESPECIALLY – “Dread of running into a current cult-member by mistake.”
HAHA! Considering I was surrounded by them!!! When I got out of the H.A. I was around alumni and current interns constantly! I would see someone from T.M. and get all anxious and nearly have panic attacks!!! It was quite ridiculous. When I finally came to terms that TeenMania was in fact wrong, and I was normal, and God is, indeed, VERY happy with me, was the first time I could finally look most of those people in the eye. Really.
Isn’t that weird? That is not normal life. I was AFRAID of people. Really. Sometimes I’d start shaking if I thought I was going to be around someone from T.M. Especially if they were staff members or in leadership over me. I’m so glad I went to T.M. though, because I did survive it, And I did recover, I can see a new piece of Gods heart, but still… I doubt I’ll ever go back there. Even just to visit. The place freaks me out. Thank God that He knows the situations we have to face huh?
And that’s my testimony. 😉
So after feeling this way…what did you guys do about it? It is obvious that all these emotions and actions, which are negetive did not come from God…
And you guys are making it seem like you were forced to be in this cult….
Is this the anon on the other thread that is thinking of going to the HA?
It is probably difficult, if not impossible, for you to understand without going through it yet, the extent to which interns are controlled, manipulated and brainwashed. So yes, in a sense, interns are forced. A gun is not held to their physical body, but it is so their emotions and spirituality.
I’m also sad to say that your belief that negative emotions and actions should never be part of the Christian life is naive. That’s just not how it works…
Thank you so much. I can definately relate to this post. For years after the HA I couldn’t figure out what was “Wrong” with me. I can relate to each one of the bullet points above very well. Thanks again for posting this. It helped clarify a lot for me. How do we sort through all this mess? It’s feels like I got caught in a spider’s web. Even now that I am not a part of it, I still feel it’s sticky substance stuck to me. I’m relying on God. So I know there’s Hope to be rid of this.
Hi Anon, We’ve all been there so you are definitely not alone and there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you. This isn’t a quick-fix answer, but I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to work these things out and talk through them with a trusted counselor/therapist and a group of safe, Christian friends. ‘Safe’ means people who will allow you to be your true self and state your true feelings without judging, condemning or minimizing. You’ll find that here of course, but I hope you can find that in real life as well.
Joy said…
It’s been 6 years since I left my situation, and whereas I’ve gained a lot of understanding and a good sense of self, I still struggle with situational relapses, situation paranoia, and a deep feeling of lost time. You get to the point where you need to move on, and have, but you still feel as though you are being haunted by something you can’t get back. I’m not sure why I expressed that, but now I have, so I did. I guess, as it is, we’ve been through something not many people have. In a way it gives us an edge, in another way it’s like struggling with a childhood injury… the pain always seems to flare up at the most inconvenient moments.
I have almost all of these symptoms. I was not in the Honor Academy. I was in a group called “the brethren”, “garbage eaters”, or “jim roberts group”.
I feel so alone and crazy sometimes. I’ve been in hospital psych wards 4 times. I went to Wellspring (a cult recovery center in Ohio) when I first left the cult, but 11 years later I am still struggling greatly.
Is there an online support group for ex-cult members somewhere??
I’m sorry, I don’t know of any. Wellspring might know of one.
I went through all of this as well. I was an intern at Healing Place Church where the internship is based on Master’s Commission. Is this a ministry for those who are recovering from programs like this? Is there any way I can help?
Hi Kristina,
While this blog is specifically targeted at former members of Teen Mania, I’ve heard feedback from survivors of other groups that have found this website helpful. Spiritually abusive groups generally operate under the exact same principles, even if the details are different.
Have you ever read My Cult Life? Its written by a former Master’s Commission participant.
RA-I hope your not trying to actually diagnos people with this syndrom as I’ve seen many of my friends graduate from college and have 90% of these symtoms.
No….I’m not the one trying to go to the HA
@Anon~
RA is not trying to diagnose anybody. This information is relevant and important. Rather than making thinly veiled passive accusations, perhaps you should take this information to heart and pass along these thoughts to the vast majority of your friends. Clearly they could really use some support.
Anon, your friends are having symptoms like panic disproportionate to one’s circumstances, fear of going insane, confusion about right and wrong, flashbacks to cult life, simplistic black-white thinking after graduating from college??? Please tell us what college this is so I can make sure no one I know ever, ever goes there!
The symptoms in this blog are NOT the mild sadness type symptoms most of us experience during a big life change. Being a little sad or a little lonely, or a little unsure of your identity after college is normal. We are talking about experiencing these symptoms to the degree that impedes our ability to function in a normal way.
Wow…. I agree with the first comment: unnerving. It’s scary to me that you actually believe you are justified in saying all of this, or that anyone outside of this website ever really feels this way. Of the hundreds of interns and missionaries I’ve come across both during and after my time at the internship, almost NONE of them mentioned feeling this way, and not because they were being “manipulated, guilted, or threatened”. Please, you throw out these harsh and fear inducing words, and think that such extremism makes you right. When you sign up for the year long internship, they don’t hide that it will stretch you and push you to your limitations. Honestly, most of the time, any accusations against the HA are born of an unwillingness to be driven that way. I know, because I myself have had to fight that, and because I sucked it up, and allowed myself to be mentored by those above me, I HAVE become a better person, a better woman, a better Christian, and hopefully, someday, a better wife and mother. I cringe to think where I would have ended up if they hadn’t held me so rigidly to the standards of the HA. Sometimes, learning to take responsibility for your life also means taking control responsibility of your own emotions. Instead of allowing myself to feel like I was worthless, I empowered myself with what I could and grew. I didn’t allow the overwhelming failings of my own life to dictate whether or not I could overcome them. Instead, I put my big girl panties on and charged in head first, intent on either becoming a better woman of God, or proving that I had already met and exceeded the standards presented before me. Because of that, I find myself not only more disciplined and attentive to my faith and relationship with Christ, but also more confident in myself, knowing that I had overcome my own failings, with HIS help and THEIR guidance. Not only that, but I find I have been able to much more clearly analyze and define different aspects of my life that reflect Christ and share those with others. I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I hadn’t put my full effort into it.
Some of you on here need to get over yourselves and realize that it’s not about you. Whatever hurt or angst you’re feeling may be a result of selfish thoughts that skew your view of things. Sometimes, the only difference between good and evil truly is the view from where you’re standing. A disciplined child never likes it at first, but when they grow older and wiser, they begin to truly see and understand the good their parents brought into their life by doing so. The same is true for TM. And please do not mistake, I understand there are things that have happened that should not have, and for those of you who fall into that category, I do apologize, as a sister, for the pain you’ve had to endure. I also would encourage you to see this as a James 1 opportunity, of seeing it as an opportunity for a blessing, for yourselves from God, and for others to learn from you. I do not think, however, that this is the place to do it.
As a person who ISN’T angry with TM, I find myself getting very angry very easily over what is said here. That scares me a little, as I can only imagine how those already hurt can expound upon their own pain, and blindly believe this stuff because of it. That isn’t going to help you heal. That only makes it worse and leaves you feeling justified in your anger, which will cause you to never let go of it. THAT at the very least goes against what Christ says about forgiving. Just think about it.
All my love, and His,
Char
“Sometimes, the only difference between good and evil truly is the view from where you’re standing.”
You may want to consider that position a little more carefully. A lot of unpleasant activity can be justified by your argument.
Forever, Char – I like how you ended with “all my love and His” – its like you think that makes up for the all the victim blaming you wrote before it! Trust me – there was nothing loving in your comment.
Forever, Char: You state,” Some of you on here need to get over yourselves and realize that it’s not about you. ”
I would heartily disagree.
It is about you. It’s about you. It’s about me. It’s about each of us. It can’t be “about” anyone else if it’s not about you first.
“As a person who ISN’T angry with TM, I find myself getting very angry very easily over what is said here. That scares me a little, as I can only imagine how those already hurt can expound upon their own pain, and blindly believe this stuff because of it.”
If you have no reason to be angry, then why would our anger trigger anything except compassion or at the very least, incomprehension? And why does anger towards abusive people and paradigms scare you? If there is no real threat to you or any of the people you’ve spoken with, then why is there fear? And is our hurt valid or invalid? Because expounding on it actually brings freedom and clarity from our wounds.
“That isn’t going to help you heal. That only makes it worse and leaves you feeling justified in your anger, which will cause you to never let go of it. THAT at the very least goes against what Christ says about forgiving.”
You make a couple of assumptions here that are categorically untrue. One, that we feel justified in our anger…which actually takes a LONG TIME to even accept that we have anger in the first place towards TM since we have been conditioned to NEVER say anything negative about them. We are justified in our anger, but we don’t stay angry forever. It’s part of the healing process. It’s part of forgiveness.
The second incorrect assumption is that our anger makes things worse. Maybe…? But I think not. Because of our “unjustified” anger, the HA has made several changes that were as a direct result of this community speaking out…in anger, in hurt, in (vain) hopes of reconciliation.
The final incorrect assumption is that by admitting we are angry, by admitting there were hurtful things that happened and providing support to one another as we GRIEVE and process the long term ramifications, we are somehow getting stuck in our anger. You have to let the anger rise to the surface so you can get it out of the way. Anger isn’t bad. Anger isn’t wrong. Acknowledging and expressing anger is a vital and necessary step towards forgiveness. How is that against what Christ said? How is the process of forgiveness (even if it makes YOU uncomfortable) wrong?
I’m truly glad that you did not experience terrible things there. I have no doubt that you had a wonderful time. Our negative and even abusive experiences do not diminish your wonderful time there. That was your experience. This was ours. Please don’t try to diminish it just because you can’t relate.
thanks for posting this. I left a cult just over a year ago and still have nigthmares almost every night. I cry the whole time and feel desperately lonely. I’m only a teenager and hate myself for being so miserable and socially awkward. This post really helped me feel like I’m my response is actually “normal”. Does anyone know when all this stops though? another ex member of the cult I left said it took them 20 years. I’ll go mad if it takes me that long…
M, I’d encourage you to read more on the blog and check out the recommended resources. It doesn’t have to be 20 years of he’ll.
You’re very welcome here.
Kristina, I am a mother of a sweet innocent son in this internship. Would really appreciate more information or how I can email you maybe?
Thank you so much!
I have experienced this and the ironic thing is the ministry are my inlaws. It is really hard because I have to keep setting boundaries. I have to remind myself that I have to lean on God and not their approval.I have to lean on God everyday to heal those places and to be patient. Honestly, you have to rebuild your trust and develop your relationship with God. Not depend on someone else developing it for you. Doing that is only allowing yourself to be pulled into that cylce again. But above it all there is hope for the hopeless:)
I was in a cult like church (Bethany World Prayer Center) for a few years before I went on 5 TM mission trips which pushed me to get even more involved in my churches G-12 Cult. I spent a total of 8 years in the environment. I’m 3 years old now and just realizing all the damage it did to me. I have experienced the entire list, and could not figure out where all of this was coming from. lasted for years, it wasn’t until I made myself stop believing some core truths taught by the honor academy that the anxiety started leaving. Well actually, once I stopped believing the stuff they (bethany/TM)taught me I went through a major depression b/c I felt like life was worthless, there was no meaning in every day tasks, felt like if I couldn’t trust the church then who can be trusted ??? anyway .. Yes, I have 2 friends that did 2 years at the HA. And it wound up very harmful for them as well. Looking back at all of this I believe there is no greater psycological strain that can be put on a person than distorting a healthy view of G-d. This is a major factor in good peoples lifes, and it’s good trusting people who go to things like the HA. They want to do good, they want to do what’s right, sadly these people (me being one of them) can be easily brainwashed and to easily trusting anyone who holds a Bible and looks to be very zealous. For those recovering, you’re at the right place. I just found this site by accident.. It took me so long to recover b/c though I’ve been out of the environment (8 years) I still held to the belief system.. I now allow myself to be Human, and no longer fill bad about being an imperfect human .. This has been quite liberating, but I feel like a kid again, having to re-learn many things. I space out alot, have flash backs, memory loss, etc. etc. I think it’s just my mind re-wiring and healing. But I do feel like a kid re-learning about the world around me.
G-d bless you all, and if you make a conscience effort to heal, you will. But not with the old “Let go and let G-d” concept. G-d expects you to do this and he expects you to do it alone. I prayed for healing for a long time, and wasn’t until I built my self confidence up inside myself and told myself I can do it, I can do it .. etc. etc. that the healing began.
These days there is such abuse and bullying of people in every religion including Christianity due to our changing world just because they think that people are committing sin whenever they give into these changes, no matter how good. I guess this is the reason why Christians would be so self-righteous.
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