Lindsay’s Story: Corporate Exercise, Injury and Shaming

One issue of concern was the stigma of exercise (which I’m fairly certain RA has already touched on). The attitude at the HA is that everybody is capable of the exact same workout regimen, and anybody who is injured or fatigued in the process must be lazy.

Let me preface with this- I am admittedly not a physically fit person. I did not work out regularly before the HA, and I don’t now.

It’s absolutely fine that they want to keep fit and maintain the temple, but where it stands now is a far cry from their claimed intent. Now, it’s about “beat my body and make it my slave,” “a wise man loves discipline,” and “you are in rebellion if you are not pushing yourself to what we think is 100% at all times” (no, that is not an exaggeration).

I have never been an excellent runner, and one of the biggest focuses in 5:00am corporate exercise is running. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting used to the mile-runs in the beginning of the year (like they assured me I would), and why I didn’t have the breath to scream cadences while I was “running as if a mountain lion were chasing me” (an example we were given, so that we would all feel convicted and run harder).

I’m not joking. We were mightily encouraged to chant cadences while running. If you have the lung capacity to sing AND run at the same time, then kudos; I don’t even have the lung capacity to BREATHE and run.

I honestly thought I was a rebel because I wasn’t ever getting any better. Eventually, I just went to do alternate all the time (basically, crunches and pushups and other exercises for those who can’t run), because my ankles started hurting more frequently.

What was my core’s response?

“You really need to push yourself harder.”
“Are you really giving it your ALL?”
“You need to stop going to alternate; it’s just an excuse not to run.”

I could see how they think that, as I made it very clear that I detested corporate… but that was in the beginning of the year, and I had actually gotten to the point where I LIKED corporate (though I did wish we didn’t do it in the morning, and in sometimes freezing weather… at least they cancelled it if it got BELOW 32!).

But all they knew was “OH WAIT she hates corporate which OBVIOUSLY means she is in rebellion!” I even asked to be an ACA for a new January core, which my CA declined (stating that my distaste for corporate disqualified me from being a leader).

I didn’t realize it until recently, but this was a major blow to my spirituality, one from which I am just now barely starting to recover.

Our core was very well known for being the “closest core on campus.” That may have been how it looked on the outside, but the impression was paper-thin. I was a black sheep among them—first off, because I was the awkward artsy extrovert (and, yeah, I was socially immature and hard to talk to. I don’t blame them for that). Being an outcast in this group was devastating, to a point where I longed to be put into any other core, and move out of the dorms, so I could get away from their cliques and conditional acceptance. I wanted nothing more than for someone to tell me that I was accepted, too. That I wasn’t a slacker, that I really WAS seeking after the Lord in all aspects of life.

I questioned my salvation several times that year. If I really WERE saved, why wasn’t I doing well in corporate? Why wasn’t I working out in 40-degree weather while I had strep throat? Didn’t I love God? Why were these things affecting my 100%? Why wasn’t I as “mature” as them? Why don’t the girls respect me as a fellow adult? Why wasn’t I as successful in my ministry placement as they were? Why didn’t I ever get an opportunity to be put into any sort of leadership? We were supposed to be the closest core, the picture of comraderie to the rest of the internship.

They would publicly rebuke me for not being “socially mature” on several occasions, without ever showing me how to fix it. There are other instances, but I’ll stop here.

Back to the point: there was even a time in class when dear Mr. Hasz used the scripture that states, “physical discipline is of little benefit”. He used it to express that it had SOME, therefore not NONE, therefore we had corporate.

Fast forward. We’re amping up to the Tyler 10K in March, on a Saturday morning.
Take notes, kids; this is important.

My ankles are STILL bothering me, so I decide that I am just going to walk it (much to my core’s chagrin).

I managed to run maybe the first quarter mile of the event. But eventually I shrugged, thought something akin to “screw this” and walked with my friend, who also had ankle problems. My CA at the time urged me to keep up with her, but I pretty much laughed at her face and continued walking with my friend.

We were like sixth and seventh to last.

As I’m walking back to the bus, I suddenly feel this snapping pain in my hip. After my initial “GOOD LORD WHAT EVEN WAS THAT” I shrug it off as some sort of runner’s strain. It’ll go away in a few hours!

I went to the banquet that night unable to put weight on my right leg.

Which wasn’t a huge deal; I’d just go see the campus nurse and see if there would be anything she could do!

She sent me away, saying that the only way they could check anything would be with an X-ray. Couldn’t afford that, so ibuprofen and I became fast friends.

Turns out, I had to leave for swat and support for an ATF in California that Tuesday night. My hip hadn’t gotten any better.

I asked if there would be any accommodation for my little issue.

Not without a doctor’s note, silly!

So I was on a bus for 36 hours, to be on my feet all day to set up an ATF, only to get back onto a bus for another 36 hours.

OH BUT IT’S OKAY GUYS because there was going to be a huge arena event that raised money for the ministry CHANGES LIVES.

Look, I understand that I am not the only person in the world. I am totally okay with the fact that there were needs to be met; I’m not saying that everybody should have just dropped what they were doing and tend to poor little me.

What I am suggesting is that I should have probably not gone on the trip in the first place. I did have fun, fortunately, and I was blessed with having a great host home and meeting new friends in the ministry.

My hip problem seemed to have faded that weekend, but still flared up once in awhile. It still does.

I just got it checked out recently (insurance, FINALLY!). Turns out I’ve had tendonitis in my hip for the past year and a half and it’s pretty much something I have to live with (one time I was walking to the store, and I literally ran one step, and my hip flared up to a point to where I had to have my mother come pick me up).

Also turns out that my right leg was incorrectly connected to my hipbone in the first place, and that leg is LONGER than my other leg, which is why I was never able to run properly.

I guess I’ll have to be a backslidden, rebellious alumnus because I can’t run anymore!