I graduated the HA in 2008, and returned to participate in CCM in January 09, because I was so sure I was being called there (to a point where I blatantly disrespected my parents’ wishes and had a friend come and pick me and my stuff up, with $800 to my name that I was going to toss at my tuition).
My dream was to go to CCM, do the Production Track, and storyboard for music videos. I was so confident that as soon as I got there, the heavens would open up, money would fall from the sky, and I would be able to stay for the two years and fulfill my life’s calling to TOTALLY CHANGE THE WORLD GUYS.
The money doesn’t come. I’m put in the much cheaper Production Management track, on the logistics team.
Which is fine- I didn’t have the money, so I shouldn’t get any sort of royal treatment.
But…anybody who spends ten minutes with me knows that logistics is my weak point. I am an artist. I am terrible at task managing and deskwork and keeping on top of other projects and all that jazz.
Horrible at it. It seriously looked like I was TRYING to suck at my job. But I digress (this is important for later).
So I’m super bitter and really hate everything about my life while I’m there (which, of course, is my fault. I am NOT blaming TM for this attitude at all. I’m only bringing it up because of the significance it has to the story). Finally, in late February to early March, I decide that I’m over myself, and I’ll embrace where “God has placed me.”
(Yes, that’s what they told me when they made the decision, “God has placed you in this job for a reason”… yes, He did. It’s because I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY. Stop trying to over-spiritualize everything. He USED it for His glory, but I don’t think it was His initial decision, but whatever.)
It was right around this time, when I really started praying for my finances. That the money would come in swiftly, and that I’d be able to get the heck out of that office and into Production.
There’s this heavy, heavy feeling on my spirit. I never heard an audible voice, but I felt the Truth resounding in me.
The Lord was calling me away from Teen Mania.
How did I respond to His call?
“PPFFFF, that’s an attack! Satan is angry that I’m doing God’s work! He’s trying to LIIIEEE to me! Get thee behind me while I go and pray about this!”
That conviction never went away. I refused to talk to anybody about this for MONTHS, because I was so scared of not fulfilling my commitment.
I had committed to two years at CCM, so God was magically going to line up with my will and make it happen, right? I’m not joking. They so heavily preached on fulfilling your commitment to the Honor Academy, that I truly felt that I was going to go to Hell if I hadn’t kept it. And not just with that- I felt that, in ANY situation, if I ended up dying with unrepented sin in my heart, I’d end up in Hell. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve had revelation in that area, but that’s neither here nor there.
For some reason, there was a big problem with the program they used to maintain funds at TM, so my staggering debt went largely unnoticed…. until May.
Suddenly, the HA became painfully aware of how about half of CCM was in the hole, and called meetings with each of us to reconcile our debt.
It got to a point where they were asking people to raise up to $1500 per week, in order to catch up with their goal. I only had to raise $500 a week, so who am I to balk, right?
This tugging in my spirit was stronger than ever at this time, but I just figured that it was some huge attack and I simply wasn’t holy enough to make the money come in.
(Note: I am no stranger to fundraising. My undergrad year was a fundraising hurricane, and I was almost dismissed. Fortunately, I ended up miraculously having my tuition paid off by April. So this was NOT a matter of laziness, or “just not trying hard enough to make the money.”)
I finally confided in my friend about how I felt that I was supposed to leave. With true concern, she asked why I would even feel that way, because “God doesn’t call people to Teen Mania just to have them leave before their commitment is up.”
I answered that I had no idea, but what I did know was that I was definitely not supposed to be there anymore.
Finally, I was put on a fundraising trip in early June. I was on this fundraising trip till near the end of the month, but because of a large check that I was hoping would come in time, I was given an extension until July 6th.
Of course, July 6th rolls around and I’ve raised just under $200 (at that point, I needed about $1800 to stay, with $500 being added more each week to catch up), and the check hasn’t shown up yet. I end up getting dismissed with nowhere to go. I owe TM a little over $4000, with a contract, saying that I would pay back roughly $500/month for the next ten months (at the time, I didn’t realize how ridiculous this was, so I blissfully signed it).
Another friend of mine, a fellow CCMer, ended up getting financially dismissed about three weeks before I did, which was another reason why I didn’t want to leave- I didn’t want anybody to think I was just using her as an excuse.
But, hey, God knows my heart! I’m surrounded by believers; surely they won’t judge me, right?
Right, mostly. Not one of my friends in CCM judged me for not having the finances, or even believing that this was the Lord’s will. They totally supported me 100% in my dismissal, and many of us are still good friends. I cannot thank the Lord enough for such faithful friends.
Who did judge me?
One of the leading staff members, the very one who so deeply encouraged me to be there in the first place. After hearing about 20% of the situation, she stated that this wasn’t God’s will, and I just didn’t have enough faith, I didn’t fundraise hard enough, I didn’t try hard enough because I wanted an excuse to get out of logistics, and that I was using my friend’s departure as an excuse to leave.
She eventually let me into her office so I could explain the full situation to her, and she DID accept it, fortunately. However, she still wants me to go back in a couple of years. Knowing what I know now, that’s not likely.
That’s the first half of the situation. Here’s the second half:
“Be off campus by Thursday at noon” were my instructions. I was dismissed on a Monday morning. Remember- I had nowhere to go.
Miraculously, an alumnus found my post on the alumni forums about needing a place to stay, and opened up her home, until I got things figured out.
My mom offered to pick me up and take me to said alumus’ place in Dallas, but she wouldn’t be able to pick me up until Saturday. Remember- I had to be gone by Thursday.
So I email Trace Jones and asked if I could have an extension, because of my situation.
NOPE! “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but you must be off campus by Thursday.”
No reason or anything, just that.
I totally stayed until Saturday anyway. What were they going to do, dismiss me?
For the record, my CCM friends supported me in that too and even offered to keep me hidden if need be.
As soon as I left, I ended up receiving an amazing amount of peace, and all sorts of grace and favor (my parents ended up letting me stay with them after all, I got an AMAZING job, that check came in within a few weeks, etc).
All this, to say… if the Lord is calling you away from Teen Mania, know that you are not a heathen. You are not lazy, backslidden, rebellious, or unsaved.
You are LOVED by the God you are so desperately seeking, and He wants His best for you.
And He’s bigger than Teen Mania.
11 comments:
haha. I know who this is. 🙂
I’m curious about why they made you have to sign a contract to pay them back. Can they do anything about you not paying them?
December 21, 2009 8:54 AM
Anonymous said…
“Lindsay” here. Aaah, you know me, do you? ;]
Maybe to “make sure” they get their money back? There’s really nothing they could do if I didn’t pay. However, I am paying them, and have been making steady payments over the past few months.
Though with the whole $3.5 million dollar debt thing, I’m sure they want to get back every penny, which is understandable.
December 21, 2009 9:55 AM
h. said…
…3.5 million dollars in debt? seriously??
by their own theology, if they had enough faith and were doing the work, there not only wouldn’t be debt, but they’d have all kinds of donors. my gosh.
December 21, 2009 11:18 AM
Anonymous said…
H, yuuuup. The first year was $3million, so we were to help raise funds for the ministry (that, and pay off our own tuitions/missions trips).
Then the second year they had tacked on an additional $450K to that. Lord knows where it’s at now.
December 21, 2009 11:39 AM
Anonymous said…
And by “the first year”, I mean MY first year there.
Not TM’s first year ever. Sorry for the miscommunication 😛
December 21, 2009 11:48 AM
Anonymous said…
I am not that familiar with TM-I did hear Ron Luce speak at an outdoor festival and was putt off by his whole “Green Beret for God” thing…but I digress…
Lindsay mentions being sent on a fund raising trip-can someone explain what exactly this is and looks like?
Thanks
December 22, 2009 1:26 PM
Anonymous said…
When I was there it basically meant you have to go home and beg for more money. Which always seemed odd to me since, if you have no money, how are you gonna waste what money you might or might not have to get home?
December 22, 2009 4:27 PM
Anonymous said…
I always wondered about the fundraising trips too when I was there. Since the majority of interns had no vehicles and came from all over the US, it is not cheap to get home. One may very well have spent a half or a full months tuition just in traveling fees.
December 31, 2009 5:58 PM
Frazer said…
I think I know who you are too “Lindsay” Hmmm…lol quite funny!
Yes I remember the “budget cuts” during our intern year….for example taking away soap from the bathrooms and giving us sanitiser solution instead?
I think I might send the whole of my story to RA too. I’m not bitter towards anyone at the HA, and I still know that I was being obedient to the Lord by leaving Teen Mania.
But I think it is time for people to hear the truth! Just remember that it’s not our job to convince people, just to tell them!
January 3, 2010 8:17 PM
this is totally Lindsay guys said…
Frazer, haha, I saw your other comment first. 😛 But yes! I believe we were both friends with Tara.
I talked with you once about where you lived in England and pretended like I knew exactly what you were talking about cause I wanted to be smart. :]
And I know I’d love to read your story! It raised a lot of questions and I know there was talk about you and a few other people just “giving up” or what have you… oh, Teen Mania drama.
January 4, 2010 8:53 AM
“lindsay” said…
GS, I totally did. It helped so much… I basically told Him that he would have to force me from the program if it were His will, because I was so scared of breaking my commitment. And let me say I am SO thankful He did.
And I feel the same way, in regards to growth. :] The Lord has revealed VOLUMES to me in the last four months that I would have been there. I would have probably not learned it if I had somehow found a way to stay.
January 7, 2010 8:23 PM