The other major thing I got confronted about constantly was “rebellion.” Any opposing thought or belief not preached to us by our leaders was considered “rebellion.” Had I actually believed everything that people were confronting me about, I would have ended up hanging myself in the Back 40. Thank God (literally) there is grace. Without it, none of us would have a chance. I truly believe that the lack of grace at the cult has attributed to a great majority of its problems and could potentially lead to its demise.
Anyway, most of the hurt caused to me at the internship was a direct result from the actions of other interns. Their actions were a direct result of the brainwashing they received from its leaders. And the leaders’ teachings were a direct result of their own interpretation of the Bible as well as other various popular “Christian” authors.
I’m going to include another entry from my journal. It was a letter I had written to God the same month I graduated. I use some vocabulary from the turn of the millennium that I would never use today. Also, I don’t necessarily use correct grammar and it gets a little cheeseball Christian-y so you’ve been warned.
12.03.01
God, I feel as if they are trying to conform me into a Pharisee, instead of a Jesus-lovin’ Christian. It is so focused on rules, regulations and debits that everyone is desperately working for the approval of man rather than the approval of God. Who else’s “approval” matters besides the Lord? It all sounds so ridiculous. Am I the only one who sees it? Is everyone else too brainwashed to see what’s going on? I’m not trying to be rebellious. My outward actions are obedient to my leaders! But sometimes my mind knows differently. I will obey what my leaders tell me but that doesn’t mean I’m going to agree with it. Sometimes they preach that. That we have to agree with our hearts and hold no bitterness about the decisions made. Whatever. I definitely agree with the fact we shouldn’t have any bitterness in our hearts towards anyone or anything. That is only hurting us. But how can you agree with things that aren’t right unless you’re fully brainwashed? I’m sorry but you can’t. I’m not a model intern and I have no desire to be one. But I do want to love Jesus with all my heart and make his name known. I love that guy. He’s the raddest guy ever to walk the face of the planet & I’m going to work my life to make people see how cool He is & how much He loves them & wants to be accepted in their lives. I’m not going to live a life like a Pharisee & I don’t believe the Lord wants me to. He wants me to love myself & other people but above everything, love Him most of all. The Bible is the best-selling book ever so why is it there’s not very many people who know about God & Jesus and how to have a relationship with them? Why is it there are tons of “Christians” but they rarely know about the Holy Spirit or that God speaks to people all the time? Who is going to go and set the record straight? Who will go & speak the truth? Send me. I will go & preach your Word. I want to go where you want me to & say what you want me to say. I love you, Lord. Living fake was only for a season. My heart was real the entire time. Whether sometimes it was shown to be a good or a bad thing, it was real. I hate pretending to win man’s approval. I just want to please you, God. You are the only opinion that matters. I thank you for all that you’ve done in my life. For blessing me far beyond anything I could ever ask. I love you so much.
<3 Mariana
Much to the amazement of my friends, co-workers, myself, and my parents, I stuck it out the entire year and made it to graduation. December 20th, 2001 was a day of great celebration. I had turned 21 the week before and I craved a much needed drink. We went out for Mexican food and I had probably the first and last margarita my parents have ever paid for but I definitely earned it.
It took me about 9 years to finally discuss events that occurred at the cult. It took my dad about 20 years after Vietnam to divulge his own experiences. I feel like it’s a natural progression in overcoming PTSD. When I finally felt comfortable telling my friends and family what I went through, the most obvious question was and still is, “Why did you go there? After I explain my vision, the next question is always, “Why did you stay there?”
My answer is simple to me yet difficult for my atheist and agnostic friends to understand. I stayed there for a year because I was forced to sign a contract saying I would stay there for a year. By forced, I mean that if you did not sign the contract you were asked to leave. No intern was permitted to remain on campus without a verbal and written agreement. After it was signed, a person was brainwashed, guilted, and regularly shamed by its leaders and other participants so that the person wanting to leave would be breaking his or her word which is sinning (and lying) against God. Nobody in the cult wanted to sin against God. We were all there because we loved Him and we had a desire to serve Him and know Him more.
My life post-cult was extremely difficult. I’m not going to lie. I no longer fit in at the church I attended while I was in college. Nobody understood me. Nobody knew as much about the Bible as I did. Nobody had experienced God on the level that I had. I was lonely, pompous and searching for the truth. I visited a few other churches before giving up “Christianity” altogether.
I still believe that Jesus is the Son of God. I believe in the Holy Trinity. I know that a spiritual realm exists. I experienced multiple facets of the spiritual realm during my time on the compound that I still, to this day, won’t discuss with a therapist or anyone else for that matter. They sound way too creepy and, at times, completely bizarre.
I’ve been to church less than a dozen times since leaving the cult 9 years ago. I had A LOT of bitterness towards the cult and “Christians” in general. As a result of my year at the cult, I feel taken advantage of and lied to by “Christians.” I find it extremely challenging to trust them. This site has really given me more peace and understanding and love for those people. For the people who read this and think the people on this site are just a bunch of gossiping a-holes, try to look at it from another prospective. We’re honestly here to find healing and help one another deal with what we’ve gone through. I can honestly say that I’ve diminished 80% of my bitterness towards the cult and about 50% towards organized religion in general – all as a result of this site. I owe much gratitude to RA as well as the other alumni who have posted their own stories and/or comments. You are all loved and appreciated. Thank you so much!
I still pray and honestly try my best to love God, other people, and myself. I have hope that one day followers of Jesus will evolve into what He really intended; people who love and care about everyone as well as Him. I’m also optimistic that one day I will find a church where I feel comfortable wanting to become a member. Anyway, in the meantime, we all know that “The Church” is really the body of Believers and not just a building.
I think if Jesus were alive on earth today, he would most definitely NOT be a legalistic douchebag “statesman.” He would be the Man attending dinner parties including guests with personalities like: Rob Zombie, RuPaul, Bernie Madoff, Tiger Woods’ mistresses, your neighborhood weed dealer, Michael Jackson, me, and the personality of the worst of sinners – the Pope. And when the wine ran out, He’d be the first to say, “Hey, don’t worry about it. I have this cool party trick. Anyone have any water?” Let the controversy begin.
9 comments:
Thank you for sharing your story. I love that last paragraph! It rings of truth that I never found in my year at TM.
June 11, 2010 9:09 AM
Lauren said…
Mariana, thank you so so much for sharing your story. Very well written. This third part especially contains a lot of truth that I think resonates with a lot of us who have been at TM. I’m so glad you had the strength to see through a lot of the BS there and that you’re gaining affirmation and validation through this community. I personally needed that confirmation that I wasn’t alone in my questions, and could really only come from others who had been through the same experiences. Thank you again.
June 11, 2010 9:39 AM
Lauren said…
Also, I appreciate your use of the term “cult.” Because that’s what HA is.
June 11, 2010 9:47 AM
Eric P. said…
Love your last paragraph! Serious kudos!
Though I must disagree with you that “the Pope” is the “worst of sinners”– that would be me.
Alternately: “I have read of many wicked popes, but the worst pope I ever met with is Pope Self.”–John Newton
Also, if Jesus was on earth today (physically), a lot of preachers would be using Him as a bad example of the Christian life. He sure didn’t “avoid any appearance of evil!”
Cult cult cult cult cult cult cult cult cult cult.
June 11, 2010 12:12 PM
Shiloh said…
Wow Eric THANK YOU!
“He sure didn’t avoid any appearance of evil.”
Gah! I need to hear this.
And thank you Mariana.
I LOVE your story. And I LOVE that you called it ‘the cult.’ 🙂
June 11, 2010 11:06 PM
Mariana said…
Thanks for your support, everyone. And you’re right, Eric. Jesus NEVER avoided the appearance of evil. Unless that evil was the Pharisees.
June 12, 2010 11:08 AM
hitchcockhill said…
I love the use of journal entries in your story. It really just shows how you were feeling at the time in those exact words. It’s a very cool thing to be able to have that freeze frame moment at the beginning of the internship – knowing it was a cult to the end. People can’t just call you bitter because you knew a shocking truth about it before going in – yet you stayed compelled by the brainwashing that breaking your commitment was like denying Christ. Kudos to a well written thought provoking statement of your time at the Honor Academy.
June 13, 2010 2:33 PM
AB said…
Yes, the last paragraph was spot on. You know, though my time was not nearly as indocrinated as yours (i was pre-Hasz), the time there, followed immediately by time in another ministry caused a similar “too-good-for-any-church” feeling in me, and then, as you mentioned, resulted in me giving up on Christianity altogether as well. Still believing in God, Jesus, etc – having experienced things personally that could not allow me to deny His existence (both before and during my ministry times), I was lost for a while, and to be honest, still struggle sometimes with meeting people who are “Christians”. I am glad you are finding even more healing here. As are many of us.
June 15, 2010 12:21 AM
Anonymous said…
it’s SO interesting to me that soooo many of these true stories are from 2001…my intern year as well. and i left my intern yearn screaming out “we are all way too focused on seeking the approval of man!” i recognized it in my intern year. it got worse after you left, dear. trust me! i was an aug 01 intern. anyway, our year was particularly rough. i remember hearing staff talk about how the 2001 class had it particularly hard and there was a definite twist on campus and everyone was striving to please men and not god alone. staff talked about it years later. it was a known problem. i hear it has gotten much better. if i hadn’t gone back for a GI year 2 years later i would have been very bitter about my intern year. i’m glad i experienced tm outside of my 2001 intern year!! it WAS a better program a few years later.
also, i completely related to what you said about how you had spiritual experiences that you don’t talk about because they sound so “bizarre.” right?? lol! i feel ya there. but i encourage you not to throw those away. they were legitimate things you felt and experienced. i also encourage you to keep seeking the Lord for who He is, His love that He has for you and amazing plan for Your life. i feel so disappointed that your experiences ended up driving you further from the lord instead of closer to Him. i went through my own rebellious searching stage after my time at ha as well. but it got better. i stopped trying to live the “ha model” life and started trying to find out who god was according to his word, and focusing on what i truly believe is the entire point of human life: to learn to love.
love to you, girl!!! 🙂
June 29, 2010 5:43 AM
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