My name is Meagan (I went by Megz at the HA). I have been reading this website for quite some time now and I shared a bit of my story on one of my anonymous comments. I’ve been debating on sharing my full story on the website for some time now, but I’m finally ready to share. I was so scared to share because of all my friends that still believe in and support the Honor Academy, but if they’re really friends, they’ll love me regardless. You can use my name. I’m not for staying anonymous. So here it goes.
I was an intern 2008-2009. I had heard about the Honor Academy because my youth pastor had attended the HA. I talked with him about it and after hearing some of his stories, I was so excited to attend. I went on a mission trip to Costa Rica with GE the summer before I attended the Honor Academy, but it was a great experience for me mainly because it was a group trip. The night before we left to the airport, I got a phone call from family stating that my 19 year old sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 Melanoma cancer. The whole trip I was worried, but the leadership above me (I was an MA) was so good to me and so supportive (not one person on my trip was from the HA).
When I finally arrived at the Honor Academy in August 2008, I was really excited to be there. However, I hated Gauntlet Week. I felt that if I didn’t find something wrong with me every session, then I was being prideful or egotistical somehow. I didn’t mind corporate exercise so much because I had exercised on a regular basis, so it wasn’t too different for me. I couldn’t even attend my best friend’s wedding because of the Commitment Banquet. We had always dreamed of being each other’s Maid of Honor.
Soon, I started to notice that guys hung with guys and girls hung around girls. That’s not too big of a problem, but I like to do things that mainly guys like to do (hunt, fish, go mudding…etc.) and the girls didn’t want to talk about those things. I didn’t really relate to the girls in my core and so I sought out other girls to hang around with and if I hung out with a guy, everyone would question my “heart.”
Then there was ESOAL. I was up to the challenge and so I did the “Bring It” ESOAL (keep in mind I had knee surgery in 2005, but everyone kept saying ‘I will beat my body and make it my slave’ so I began to think I could). ESOAL was pretty much what I expected it to be, until I blew out my hip by pushing a bus uphill with only five other people. I went to the tent, they gave me some Tylenol and gave me a choice to go back out to ESOAL. I chose to go back, but rang out 10ish hours later. After I rang out, my CA helped me to the tent and then went back to facilitate. The women that were helping me drove me to the ESOAL showers and left me there to walk back to my dorm. It took two whole excruciating hours for me to get back to my room.
October, November, and December all flew right on by with the busy schedule of Teen Mania life: corporate exercise (which was going downhill for me because of my injury), breakfast, showers, class, quiet time, class, class, lunch, work, homework, and finally bed (maybe). I was considered one of the ‘night owls’ of my core because I liked to stay up and socialize with friends because I didn’t get to throughout the day.
Christmas break finally came and it couldn’t have come sooner. I loved being home, but most of the time I felt like no one could understand me. I had somehow become more knowledgeable than most of the Christian friends I hung out with. I just didn’t fit anywhere and it was so hard. I returned to the HA with a sigh of relief-I was finally around people that knew and ‘loved’ me. That love was really tested on February 15th, 2009.
We had just finished the Fasting LTE earlier that morning and it started off to be a good day. That night, I was up in the IT room with a few of my good friends when I got a phone call. One of my younger sisters had passed away in a car accident. I collapsed right there in the hallway…crying. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to get back home. I knew that through all the tears, I couldn’t make the two and a half hour drive home safely so I decided to wait until that morning. No one really knew what to say to me. I knew that they were trying to find words to comfort me, but nothing would work. I finally went to sleep and at first light, I called a dorm director to say that I was leaving on emergency leave. I remember her saying, “Will you be back in a week so you can attend Week of the Ring?” I now regret my answer. “Yes. Of course I’ll be back.” Then, I left campus.
The second day at home, I went to the funeral home to say my very last goodbyes to my sister. Only immediate family got to see her body and they kept her face hidden beneath a blanket. I stuck a ring of mine, one that she always adored, inside the casket with her. During that week, there was all the commotion of picking out a casket, setting up the viewing area, attending the viewing, and finally the funeral. A few of my close friends from the HA came down to support me and to this day I appreciate those people because this week was the most emotional week of my life.
I went back to the HA a week after I had left. But I definitely was not the same person. I was merely a shell attending the Honor Academy. The rest of me was at home with my family. My mind, my heart, all of me was back at home. I kept trudging along through everyday life. I worked in the GE Call Center and they did give me time to be off the phones doing other things, but soon I had to get back to talking to parents and teens. I wanted everyone to think I was okay, so I put on a happy face and kept going. I even spoke during one of the classes to encourage people to stay at the Honor Academy. Soon, I began to go through one of the stages of grief: denial. I began to think that everything was back to normal and it wasn’t. I got only one meeting in with the counselor there, but never a follow up session. I did get a brief “grief period” of a week and a half, but really…is two and a half weeks enough time to grieve over a loss as damaging as this one? Well, not in my case.
Finally, one day I hit the breaking point. I cried and cried and cried. I had my meeting with my CA and I just felt like I couldn’t ever excel at anything, that I couldn’t do this anymore. As I told her this, I could feel that she was getting upset with me. I could tell that I had ’failed’ again. I called my mom and she said that if I didn’t come home on my own, then she was coming to pick me up that next Friday. I emailed leadership and asked to be released from my commitment. Somehow, somebody understood my situation and I was indeed released. But that was not the end.
My last night with my core (April 30th), it was really not a feeling of understanding, but more of a ‘you’ll regret this later’ feeling. I could tell they felt that this was the enemy’s will and not God’s because of the prayers they prayed over me. There were things like, “if this is the enemy’s will, then let her know it CLEARLY, God” “Please Lord, guide her while she struggles through this.” However, once I finally left on May 1st, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders – I was finally heading home.
The whole month of May, I did nothing but lay around in my room. I didn’t get a job or anything. There were only a few friends that even called to see how I was doing. Almost every one of my ‘friends’ said they would be calling to see how I was doing. Some of them still haven’t even called years later. Then, I retreated from Texas, thinking I could somehow get away from my problems. I went to Colorado to visit family for 3 months. I felt like something was wrong with me, like I wasn’t a normal human being like I should be facing the issue and working on my heart and that I should be doing better and that everything should be miraculously okay. But when I came back and I started seeing a therapist, I understood that everything I was going through and experiencing WAS normal. And my therapist helped me realize that because of me going straight back into the “swing” of the HA, I prolonged the grieving process and ended up hurting myself so much emotionally.
Now, almost 2 years later, it’s still hard sometimes. Writing this story brought back a lot of hurt that I felt during my most vulnerable point in my life, but I needed this. I need to get my story out there because now I need to heal from the hurts that were caused at the Honor Academy. I do still love the people that tried to sincerely be there for me and that still talk to me to this day. Rejection and isolation are some things I’m still struggling with to this day. I used to be social and accepting, but now I like to be by myself because people hurt me at the worst point in my life. I’m hoping to find acceptance on here. Fellow people who just love Jesus and won’t judge me for my past. People who love with no expectations. People who genuinely care about each other and want to see others progress and move forward with a healing process no matter how big or small.
If you have not shared your story yet, and you’re still reading mine, I encourage you to share. Don’t read my story and think, “oh well mine’s not THAT bad.” You were still hurt and I’m a person that wants to see you progress and I will love you regardless of what happened to you in the past. I know that me not staying anonymous will cause issues with some people at the Honor Academy and know that I will accept anything that comes my way, but I will NOT recant my story.
26 comments:
Meagan,
You are very brave to tell your story for many reasons. Thank you. My heart aches for your loss of your sister. I have sisters as well and I can’t imagine losing one. The depth of which a sister’s love goes in our hearts can never be replaced but I find comfort in knowing that it can never be stolen from us either. Even when they are not with us.
I think many people will be encouraged by your story. The thoughtfulness of your words is so respectful to those who were in some way trying to support you. I think you did your very best to preserve those relationships but your story is yours alone. You should be able to tell it in anyway you need. Some people may respect your for it, some may not but nobody can take the testimony you have gained.
After reading your story, I think I might try to write down my story too. Maybe I won’t send it in but at least it will have place on paper and won’t be forgotten. I think Life is too precious to forget even the darkest of moments. I just want to come out on the other side with a sense of wholeness instead of the pieces that the HA shreds us into. I think we are on our way.
“I used to be social and accepting, but now I like to be by myself because people hurt me at the worst point in my life. I’m hoping to find acceptance on here.”
You are definitely accepted. I believe many of us felt or do feel that same way. Thanks for allowing us the opportunity.November 3, 2010 9:56 AM
Natalie Haskell said…
Meagan, thank you for sharing your story. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to loose one of my brothers EVER.
But I can imagine what it would be like to loose a family member at the H.A. my uncle passed away my G.I. year. He was the closest family member I’ve lost and it was brutal. Praise God he was in Huston so I could see him before he passed away.
There are all the normal factors that come into play with the H.A., manipulation, false teaching about who Jesus really is and His love, pressure from all sides, expectancy to be perfect. But on this topic I think the hardest part is that everyone there is just barely 19 or 20. What do most of them know? Most kids there had never faced any real life trauma. They don’t know what to say. My friend’s dad passed away and I was just kind of like, ‘God will be with you? He’s Your strength… right? Don’t get over it… Cause I know this is hard… but… uh… um.’ No one had a clue how to react to those situations.
I’m so sorry about your sister. What a beautiful girl she must have been. Take your time. I hope we get to hear more about her and your experience. I’m really glad you were so open too. There is nothing to be afraid of for real. I’ve gotten pretty open on how I feel about the H.A. It’s a lot easier now because I’m not offended with them or super hurt like I used to be. But my friends all kind of get it. We still totally talk to each other all the time. It’s true, if they’re your friends then they’ll understand. If they aren’t than it doesn’t really matter does it?
Thanks for your story. You are such a blessing.November 3, 2010 9:57 AM
Eric said…
What a harrowing story. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, and I admire your courage in telling it.
What strikes me most (besides your journey through grief) is TM’s utter inadequacy at dealing with an actual emotionally stretching event of a lifetime.November 3, 2010 10:05 AM
Julie said…
Meagan, thank you for sharing your story, even though it caused you pain to tell it. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. I cannot imagine how you made it as long as you did upon returning to HA in the midst of your grief!!!!
I agree with Eric P. that this would have been a good opportunity for interns to learn about REAL emotional stretching. It would have been great if leadership talked to the other interns while you were away about how to support you and talk to you when you returned, realizing many of them literally had no reference for what you were experiencing.
Meagan, I hope your heart is continuing to heal and God’s comfort surrounds you. Grief never completely goes away because there is always an empty place where someone’s love and presence used to be, but it does get easier to remember the happy times when you visit that place. I’m sending up prayers for you right now. Your story really touched me.November 3, 2010 10:40 AM
moriah said…
And the stories keep coming in . . . its no surprise.
Megz,
I am sorry for your loss. I lost a friend last week. The feelings I had were intense. I can only imagine what you went through losing your sister. Again, I am sorry.
There are many obvious things about your story that speak to the unprofessionalism of Teen Mania, especially regarding injury and loss. I am sure many people will cover these topics, as they are pretty much regular themes throughout this blog.
What I would like to comment on is the continued ignorance on the part of Teen Mania regarding gender and gender roles. In the last 100 years, the roles of men and women in the maintenance of daily life have been shifting dramatically. There is freedom and space in modern society for women to be mechanics, pilots, nascar drivers, carpenters, , hunters ,musicians and fisherwomen. There is freedom for men to be hairstylists, florists, airline stewards, and “Mr. Mom”‘s. I congratulate you first of all for having parents that let you play in the mud, go hunting and fishing, experiment with roles traditionally reserved for males. It is unfortunate that Teen Mania continues to propagate strict gender roles as god-given and biblically based.
Love,
MoriahNovember 3, 2010 11:26 AM
joyG said…
Meagan,
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your story is a catalyst for others to continue to get healing. There is joy ahead.November 3, 2010 12:05 PM
Driane said…
Megggyyy,
I am sooo proud of you for telling your story. I’m very honored to be one of the friends who supported you and continues to do that today.
You made so many points that I felt that year as well. Things we both talked about during our year. Not getting to hang out with the boys, leadership not doing anything about the “disabilities” we encountered while there, and especially them not truly releasing you after your sister’s death. I was so mad and upset for how they treated you and still am.
I love you so much!! And I am so incredibly proud of you for writing this!!!November 3, 2010 1:17 PM
layne said…
” …until I blew out my hip by pushing a bus uphill with only five other people. I went to the tent, they gave me some Tylenol and gave me a choice to go back out to ESOAL. I chose to go back, but rang out 10ish hours later. After I rang out, my CA helped me to the tent and then went back to facilitate. The women that were helping me drove me to the ESOAL showers and left me there to walk back to my dorm. It took two whole excruciating hours for me to get back to my room.”
My goodness, there are so many things wrong with this. Why would they even give you the choice to continue? Who are these people? I’m sorry that you got hurt, and I’m sorry for your terrible experiences. Shame on them for handling you so poorly.November 3, 2010 1:57 PM
heartsfire said…
Megan thank you for writing this and taking the time to get it out there. I am so sorry for your loss and while I am not shocked I am so sad that they didn’t take your true injuries and your grief seriously. Please know we all care and are all here to keep talking to as you keep going. *Hugs*November 3, 2010 2:56 PM
Carrie (Saum) Dickson said…
Megan, this is so heart-breaking. I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot fathom it. I am very glad you are working through it with a counselor and that your parents knew that you needed to come home, even if TM didn’t recognize it. You are so brave to share your story. And you are loved.
As a side note, the part of the story about ESOAL is precisely why it needs to stop. Forever. It is so incredibly negligent and damaging. I just don’t understand how TM can continue to do it, year after year. I’m positive that it in NO WAY prepared Megan for what she went through with her sister, nor did it prepare the other interns to be a loving and safe support system for Megan while she grieved. I think it *might* have created the opposite, actually. Megan, you deserved much more love and grace and support than you received.November 3, 2010 3:58 PM
Anonymous said…
Thank you for sharing your story Megan!
One thing that I have noticed and kinda put together about the HA is this:
THe HA focuses on that “completly on fire for God feeling”. Where you are so full of joy and always “feel” like you are in Gods presense. However while this can be true, the bible also talks about times of grief and suffering. Not saying that we should stop serving God even in those times, but there is nothing wrong with us if we dont “feel” that passion and fire. The strongest parts of my faith have come from those times when God seemed to be no where in sight. But my faith has been purified, so to speak, through those times. Megan’s story is another example of how the HA sometimes fails to recongize our times of griefing in life, and can often come across like there is something wrong with our faith if we cannot move on right away. Just throwing this all out there, Its something that God has been showing me lately.November 3, 2010 5:58 PM
Mike K said…
Hey Megz,
not sure if you remember me. but i was there when you got that phone call.and i went to the funeral as well.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it takes alot of courage to even just write what happened yet alone to put it on a blog. I am still saddened for your loss. know that i am praying for you and your family. as well as healing for you from the HA.November 3, 2010 9:19 PM
reluctant-intern said…
Thanks for sharing with us, Meagan. I’m so so sorry for your loss – I can’t even imagine. I hope sharing your story brings you healing.
I had a good friend whose father died during our year- I remember thinking at the time that if that had happened to me I would be DONE. I would have quit and gone home without thinking twice about it. But after he went home for the funeral, he came back. 🙁November 3, 2010 9:28 PM
Anonymous said…
thank you for sharing…..November 3, 2010 9:34 PM
Anonymous said…
thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad that you’ve come to a place where you can do that.
on another note….
i’m a little appalled at how every time someone shares a story that promotes healing for both the sharer and the readers, it get turned into a TM Bash. If that helps you then I guess I don’t get it. It just doesn’t seem to me like that would always be helpful. I know its not for me anyways. I have hurts that I need to heal from too. There were alot of things at TM that I feel were/ still are wrong. However, I’m not going to sit around and slam TM for it. It doesn’t help me. Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for your enemy to die.November 3, 2010 9:42 PM
Renae said…
Anon @ 9:42:
I don’t think expressing shock and anger over the treatment of each person with a story to tell is the same thing as “TM bashing” or expressing bitterness. Should we just stop having feelings of indignation or anger over the treatment of people there? As in, “Well, I was mad about all these people getting hurt, so I suppose I should stop getting mad when someone new tells me how they were hurt.” I don’t think becoming numb to it is the answer. As long as TM is abusing interns or neglecting their needs, there will be people getting angry about it… there is a such thing as righteous anger. Can we only have righteous anger for the first dozen with stories of injustice? The first two dozen? Don’t you think Jesus would care about each and every injustice?November 3, 2010 10:40 PM
allahakbar said…
oh theres a lot more stuff thats why i found truth and you should tooNovember 3, 2010 11:18 PM
julie said…
Let’s think for a second here about the phrase “TM bashing” that is commonly bandied about. Expressing anything negative about TM is frequently called out as “bashing.” This site is a safe place for people to express their feelings. It is a place for people to support one another and say, “What happened to you wasn’t right.” It’s a place for people to see that certain experiences didn’t only happen to them but they were part of a larger pattern of behavior. Once someone realizes that, he/she often feels outrage at having believed it was his or her fault for years when that is not the case. This is the one place people are safe to express all these things and be supported by others and, yeah, sometimes it’s gonna get negative. If you only want to hear positive stories about TM, there are plenty of other places for you. If you really care about how people are being injured and starting to recover, then this site is here for you. But you cannot come here and tell people to continue to cover up abuse and negative feelings. This is a place where people can finally air their hurts and frustrations and be listened to instead of condemned.November 4, 2010 8:43 AM
moriah said…
Julie!!!
Great comment. Wanted to say something like that but you beat me to it!! Fantastic.November 4, 2010 9:29 AM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
I just wanna know if there’s a counselor in the world that would actually slap their patient.November 4, 2010 10:34 AMI like brownies said…
Nunquam Honorablus!!!! I’ve been reading this blog for a while and I noticed you haven’t been commenting and I miss your comments and your insight!November 4, 2010 10:38 AM
Renae said…
I think you meant to post this on the last blog, Nunquam 🙂November 4, 2010 12:02 PM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
WOW REALLY SELF
hi I’m awesome at commenting. This is probably why you haven’t seen me much Brownies 😉November 4, 2010 12:09 PM
Renae said…
You ARE awesome at commenting, Nunquam. It’s why we all miss you 🙂November 4, 2010 1:44 PM
Melissa said…
Megz, Hugs little sister! My heart aches for you and your loss, yet, at the same time, I feel so blessed to read your story and can see true compassion and love in your words. It is like getting a glimpse of Jesus through you. Thank you for sharing. Please, share this site with your parents. As a parent of an HA participant, I can tell you it has helped bring my children and I closer and almost daily brings us all to a new level of healing. Thank you, you really are a blessing and just an amazing child of God! Love you!
MelissaNovember 5, 2010 3:20 PM
Anonymous said…
sorry no one empathized with you as Christ would. i’m really disturbed at the lack of Biblical grace and compassion within HA. I can’t see the heart of God in any of it. Bless you.November 7, 2010 1:40 PM