Stephanie’s Story: Part 2

My big problems are the long lasting physical effects I have had from the internship.

Ear trouble – I had an ear infection that went untreated for two weeks because I couldn’t get anyone to take me to a doctor. I have hearing loss in that ear.

Ovarian Cyst – I experience this for the first time at the internship. It feels like someone is stabbing you in the stomach. The pain can radiate through the groin area and down the leg. I had no idea what was happening to me. I was told that I needed to pray through the pain and they would try to find some one to take me to the doctors. Several hours later the pain was gone… I fell asleep. Someone came and asked if I still needed to go to the doctor, I said the pain was gone, but I thought I should still go to the doctor (remember I didn’t know what was happening and had never had pain like this before.) I was told if the pain was gone I would be fine and to sleep it off so I could be at work the next day. (It wasn’t until this happened to me again a year later that I went to the doctor and found out what was going on.)

Knee – So I was on the drama team and we were doing a skit for summer camps, I was supposed to jump off the stairs and run out of the auditorium and out the door that leads into the Epi center. This worked great in rehearsal. During the actual performance I ended up to far upstage and ended up jumping off the stage. I landed very wrong. There was a popping and pain liked I’d never felt before. I paused for a few moment in a pile at the edge of the stage and then dragged myself off into the the epicenter were I collapsed in a pile of tears and pain. I sat there for half an hour. People walked right by me. I was in so much pain I had no words to ask for help. My knee was swelling and felt very wrong. But since no one was going to help me I tested it to see if it was weight bearing. While it felt unstable, it could bear weight. I walked to the dorm and passed out from the pain. The next day, I tried to call sick into work, but was told that I was needed at work. It was summer and the shower house needed cleaning. I spent the day limping around on my knee. I tried to get to the doctor, but was told that it might not happen because all the vans were needed for transporting GE leadership arriving from the airport. I was told that God would heal me if I prayed hard enough and believed enough, that God would provide when situations could not (ie, when TM couldn’t give a broken intern a lift to the ER).

I tried to pray myself well, I believed that if I believe hard enough I could “beat my body and make it my slave” and would not need attention from a doctor. After a week the swelling went down. After two weeks I wasn’t limping, although my knee felt “wrong” still. All was fine until I was chasing someone as part of a game, took a quick corner and, bam my knee was on fire again… pain like I could not believe. I was at least given ice this time, prayed over, and told that God would heal me. And the fact that the leg was weight bearing meant I didn’t need to go to a doctor.

So I developed that idea that I just had a bad knee, but it wasn’t worth looking at. Over the next several years my knee continued to “slide out of place.” But I continued with the belief that it wasn’t worth my time or attention. After years of becoming less and less active because of my knee I finally was desperate to move. I started taking yoga classes, I rehabbed my knee, it took a long time and a lot of work, but I was able to start respecting my body and its pain. In time I was well enough to start taking martial art classes. Well wouldn’t you know a few months in, I blow out my other knee…The next day I was at the doctor, the day after at the orthopedist a month later I was having my ACL and meniscus repaired. I was able to make a full, happy recovery.

While at the orthopedic surgeon I asked him to look at my right (TM injured) knee. We did xrays, it showed extreme arthritis. We did an MRI. My surgeon said “I never see knees like this except with former NFL players. I don’t know how you stand on this, let alone walk or run or do all the thing you do. I could repair the ACL, but I might make your pain worse. As it stands you have NO cartilage in the medial side of the knee, and your meniscus is gone, completely degraded. Now the original injury was most likely similar to the injury in your other leg. If it had been treated at the time occurred, the repair would have worked. But, as it is, you have done an amazing job rehabbing your leg. I do not want to touch it until absolutely necessary. It is likely that you will need to have a total knee replacement by age 40. (This is 15-20 years before the procedure is usually recommended).

I firmly believe that it was the attitude that TM had toward my injury that made it hard for me to seek treatment. I was only 18, I needed support, not people to belittle my pain.

Depression – During my internship I struggled with being alone, with being judged as not enough, with feeling like no one really understood who I was. I went through periods of depression. I also went through incredible highs. I was, apparently bipolar. Now, years later I have learned to manage and track my moods finding balance through yoga, meditation and self awareness, without drugs. But during the internship year I was terrified that I was going to be dismissed for being me. So I never talked to anyone about it.

ESOAL

I was in the very first ESOAL… and I must admit, I loved it. It was my moment of triumph. I felt very challenged, my buttons were pushed. Everything was so new, that the leadership was very humble and unsure of themselves, wanting to create a growing experience. It only lasted for 30ish hours. I don’t’ know why, but I felt truly supported during the process. I was at times stressed, bored, tired, excited, joyful, but I never felt belittled or in danger. I was disappointed at the end when in the final test you could be kicked out, rather than the rest of the retreat, where you were only out if you chose to be so. One of my team mates did not finish because of this and I was so mad on his behalf. But I feel that the only way that ESOAL works is if those running the program are driven by the idea that all participants should be treated with honor and respect. In order to grow, a person cannot be pushed to the edge, they must be show their edge and make the choice to push it or not. It is inappropriate for anyone who cares about someone to try and break them. That is not life changing, it is sadism.

This brings me to my over arching theme. The problem with the internship is that nobody cares about you. There is no place where an intern can go with struggles, fears, concerns, without fear of judgment and fear of being dismissed for those vague bad attitude type reasons. There is no one looking out for the well being of the interns above everything else…there’s always concerns about how it looks, about the ministry above everything…but someone has to look out for the interns, these are young people just learning about how to take care of themselves, just learning who they are, without worrying about image.

It strikes me that TM is afraid of losing control of the interns, so they keep them down, press them into molds that some won’t and shouldn’t fit. They teach to a standard, but it is more like they teach to a form. Like when Ron Luce talks about how to date, how to have sex, how to make a plan for your life…as if his way was God’s only way. Same with Dave Hasz, as if his way of leading was the only way to lead.

If TM actually started caring for their interns, if they taught interns about self respect and love, if they valued the general well being of their “free” labor pool. If they loved each person. If they gave the interns a voice. If they actually cared about relating to God… well then it would be a great experience. But as it is the internship is about trying to fit into a mold, about disregarding the physical needs of interns, about trying to keep your head down and not make waves, not questioning when you don’t understand, taking others word for it instead of exploring for your self.

I will carry my internship in my body for the rest of my life… but by Grace, I have moved into a place where I know that I am not the same as everyone, and that I am loved just the way I am.

So that’s my story. Not all bad, not all good.

I’ve sent it to Dave Hasz.

No response.

22 comments:

‘Derek’ says:
May 11, 2010 at 7:48 AM

Stephanie – I waited till I got part 2 of your story to make any comments. I’m so sorry that you went through everything you did. Since you say you went through the first ESOAL, I know you weren’t there when I was, BUT I said all that to say if I had been there on Security when you were there, we would have found a way to transport you to the ER when you busted up your knee. I know for a fact we would have cause a friend of mine fractured his shin, and we made sure he was in the ER in under an hour.
Hearing the stuff you went through enrages me, and makes me even more upset. I guess it’s the HA teaching of us guys looking out for the woman on campus. It’s funny that they preach that to us guys, yet they don’t LIVE it themselves.

layne says:
May 11, 2010 at 9:09 AM

Derek – You’re great. But that kind of attitude is part of why I hated the internship. They taught the guys to take care of the women and the women to let the men take care of them. Shouldn’t they have been encouraging women to take care of themselves as well as each other? I never understood this. It’s such a bizarre social structure.

Jacqueline says:
May 11, 2010 at 9:32 AM

Stephanie, words escape me, I am so sorry you went through this. It’s heartbreaking. If I was your mother I would have stormed campus and had a few words with Dave myself. That is unacceptable to leave a young woman injured and then BLAME her for being broken.

You said it so well, “The problem with the internship is that nobody cares about you.”

Yet I am so thankful that you have been rehabbing your knee and have found ways to respect your body.

‘Derek’ says:
May 11, 2010 at 9:43 AM

Layne – You are right, they need to teach the women to help themselves, but as a security guard it was our responsibility to transport people to the hospital especially during the summer.

Stephanie says:
May 11, 2010 at 10:01 AM

Thanks for you kind words. It was a little bit my fault that I didn’t get to the ER. Because the knee was weight baring, the seriousness of the injury was not fully apparent. I knew I was in A LOT of pain. But anyone who looked at me would have thought it can’t be that bad. OF course none of us knew that and ACL tear could be a weight baring injury.

Also, I never told my parents. because I didn’t want to complain… I thought I was showing Godly merit by being tough… and remeber I had almost been dismissed once for have a “bad additude.” I didn’t need anymore of that.

Eric P. says:
May 11, 2010 at 10:05 AM

Aaaaand now I’m outraged (hey, you were right, Stephanie!).

By any fair standard, TM owes you major cash for all your medical expenses and long-term damages.

Note that the problem here is at its root a doctrinal one–“I believed that if I believe hard enough I could ‘beat my body and make it my slave’ and would not need attention from a doctor.” As long as TM’s theology remains unchanged, this will happen again.

You’re exactly right about the control issues involved: this is a well-documented pattern in cults, high-control groups, and other spiritually abusive situations. (E.g., here are some articles on Control-Freak Pastors.)

Lauren says:
May 11, 2010 at 11:24 AM

This is just incredible, Stephanie. I cannot believe that TM doesn’t anticipate and make arrangements for injured interns. These kids are 18 years old! They WILL get hurt, possibly seriously. And it is TM’s responsibility to get these kids to a doctor – no excuses. I am so sorry you had to go through this. And I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with the physical damage for so long. Yes, of course God is able to miraculously heal people! But just because you’re a Ron Luce follower doesn’t mean He’s going to snap His fingers any time you ask.

The whole treatment of you during your time there, blaming you for having an “attitude,” never once asking you about your experience or why you might be questioning or why you’re walking with a LIMP… It makes me very angry.

Lauren says:
May 11, 2010 at 11:27 AM

Oh, and I have also experienced ruptured ovarian cysts. I thought I was going to die. I went to the ER, and the docs thought I had appendicitis because of the extreme pain and its location. I don’t know how you stuck it out.

stephanie says:
May 11, 2010 at 1:18 PM

Blasted internet… just ate my comment.

The gist of it ws, it’s not that I’m a woman who needs to be taken care of… it’s that I am a human being who needed to be cared for. The act of caring for another is not bound by gender.

Teen Mania was my family… I was just 18 years old. I had never been away from my family for more than 2 weeks when I entered the internship. So one needed to be looking out for me… (and granted I had a few amazing friends who I love with all my heart to this day). But my physical and emotional well being needed to be a priority to someone, anyone and it wasn’t.

layne says:
May 11, 2010 at 1:32 PM

Stephanie – Someone should have been there for you, and they weren’t. I’m so sorry you had to (and are still having to) deal with that.

CarrieSaum says:
May 11, 2010 at 2:45 PM

stephanie,

something to consider here: knee problems are more present when adrenal glands are not functioning properly. if you are constantly running off of adrenaline (which is basically all the time during the internship), then your adrenal glands get very fatigued. they can’t keep up with the constant demand and basically revolt and stop working. this affects energy levels, B vitamin absorption, and joint function.

by depriving interns of adequate sleep and nutrition, TM actually creates an optimal environment for injury to occur.

i also struggled with knee problems my year (i had NO meniscus from an injury when i was 16) and i was also told to pray for healing, but to keep pressing myself physically. and i also had ovarian cysts, which was also treated “with prayer”. six months after the internship, i had major surgery for it.

Nunquam Honorablus says:
May 11, 2010 at 3:05 PM

I’m wondering if there’s a common thread here…

I had an ovarian cyst after the internship, too. I don’t think I did anything that directly attributed to it at the internship, but it developed/ruptured a month after I graduated. Hmm…

The Cult Next Door says:
May 11, 2010 at 4:55 PM

Stephanie,
You should check with an attorney to see what steps can be taken to re-coup at least some of your financial losses…

Jacqueline says:
May 11, 2010 at 5:16 PM

Ovarian cysts are commonly associated with too much estrogen. High Sugar and Starch diets create massive amounts of estrogen in the body. . .this will also effect menstrual cycles with spotting and causes a much higher rate of miscarriage if the estrogen continues at such a high rate. The estrogen can not be decreased unless there is a treatment of consistently high soluble fiber diet.

I had extremely high levels of estrogen too.

Anonymous says:
May 11, 2010 at 5:39 PM

I had an issue while at HA where my monthly cycle almost never stopped, I would bleed for weeks. When I went to the doc, he put me on hormones to correct the imbalance. I would be interested to know how many women had these type of estrogen issues while at the HA. I never had this problem any other time in my life, only at the HA.

Stephanie says:
May 11, 2010 at 6:46 PM

It would make sense that they diet they feed us would effect our cycles.

The only other times I have big problems is when I’m eating a crap white flour, white sugar diet.

Shannon Kish says:
May 11, 2010 at 9:36 PM

arg, these stories are bringing back memories!

Heather says:
May 11, 2010 at 10:40 PM

I know I lost my cycle for 10 months and ended up going home on medical leave to get my hormone levels re-balance. I had not idea others had issues with that as well. Very interesting!

Anonymous says:
May 12, 2010 at 12:33 AM

I did not have my period for 8-9 months while at the HA… at the time I assumed it was from stress..

Cora Lynn says:
May 12, 2010 at 1:21 AM

I am so sorry you went through all, let alone any, of this! I was a Jan ’99 so I was an intern when they had the first ESOAL (which I didn’t do). I came back as a CEP/SA summer of ’00.

“The problem with the internship is that nobody cares about you.” -That saddens me most. I worked hard to love interns and try to give them a safe haven. I had no idea of the depths of what was going on, though. It makes me want to drive to the HA and rescue all of them right now.

Anonymous says:
June 29, 2010 at 10:41 AM

i had ovarian cysts as well! that’s so weird!! i had never had them before, but they started there and have continued ever since. i was older when i went to the ha, so it’s not like you can explain it away by saying they developed naturally.

and one thing that always frustrated me was the lack of sleep and rest given to interns. it was the recipe for medical disasters, and apparently that is exactly what happened for many interns. i remember kids getting mono left and right my year. but guess what happened to them? they were dismissed on medical “leave.” so TM treats you like a machine, creates the problem environment, and their solution is to get rid of you when you no longer function for them? lovely.
i started getting heart palpitations at the HA. after two years there, they got more serious. right after the HA i had to see a heart specialist (cardiologist) who said it was due to extreme levels of stress and lack of proper rest so my heart could recover. sounds like the HA to me!!

Anonymous says:
January 18, 2012 at 4:57 PM

I am shocked beyond belief that you were on the ground crying in pain from your knee and people literally walked right by you without helping. It sounds like you were stuck in the good Samaritan story but without the good Samaritan. Those people are NOT followers of Christ. A true follower of Christ would not let a brother or sister sit and cry in pain. They would reach out and ask how they could help!!! I’m sorry you had to go through that. 🙁