I received this email from an intern recently. She told me her story, which was heartbreaking, yet all too familiar. Though she wanted to keep specific details under wraps, I’m able to share her summary which articulates so well the common experience of life after Teen Mania. It’s important to note that during the internship she was a model intern, consistently winning awards and leadership positions.
I came home and then crashed and burned. I was prideful, egotistical, and thought I knew all of the answers about church, about life, about God. My church had split while I was gone, so I had no community, no accountability, and no support group…but I still believed that I had a black belt in ministry and needed to be taken seriously. I burned a lot of bridges, and found myself really, truly alone for the first time in a few years. That’s when the depression set in…an almost crippling inability to function. Suddenly nothing made sense—about myself, about God, about church…and I wound up seeing a counselor for several months as I began to try to reconcile who I was BEFORE the internship with who I became. The two people were almost black & white different, and they crashed into each other at the speed of light with terrific results: I knew nothing, and didn’t even know where to begin.
It’s been quite a process, but I’ve been having curious conversations with a lot of my friends from TM recently…and all of us seem to be in the same place. Who is God? Who am I? What does Church look like? What should my response be? What am I supposed to do with my life? And the shocking silence from God is almost unbearable. If we were the chosen, the elite…we were INTERNS…shouldn’t we be on the fast track to success? And yet here we all are. Not to mention the terrific call most of my friends have made. Not only are they no longer following the Lord, but some of my fellow alumni are living and sleeping with unmarried significant others, living a homosexual lifestyle, drunk on the weekends and experimenting with drugs. Teen Mania would say that this happened because of the target we put on our backs because we became interns. I’m starting to believe it’s because there is something fundamentally flawed with the way they do ministry. Why would all of us be hitting the SAME wall at the SAME time, with many of the same questions? It was then that I stumbled on your blog again, and things really started to click. I think a combination of where I am now and seeing other people come out of the woodwork to attest that yes, this did happen to them as well has helped.
13 comments:
Yeah. It’s good to hear this happened to the model interns too. I remember Mr. Hasz telling us that VERY few interns fell away after the internship, and that if we could make it through that year we would be 5 years more mature than we are right now. It doesn’t look to be the case.
He must have just lied to us almost every time he got up and spoke, he may not have known he was lying but not checking the facts? or maybe he was checking the facts and didn’t want to fess up to reality. Or. Maybe, he does just want free labor. It’s hard to tell at this point.
But it sure was hammered into my head that T.M was the top dog of all ministries and I was doing something for God.
Maybe we were ‘doing’ a little more than sitting at his feet.
Dang.
Who is God?
A good question. He’s not distant that’s for sure. He is very close.
This post was so good for me to hear. Thank you for who ever sent it.
“if we could make it through that year we would be 5 years more mature than we are right now”
This is symptomatic of the whole culture at TM that basically says “You are not good enough as you are.” Why is it important to be 5 years more mature than your age? God created us with certain levels of development, and the only thing that really matures you is life experience (both good and bad). By saying things like that, Dave Hasz is teaching you not to accept yourself as you are – and even worse, that God does not accept you as you are.
When I went to the HA, I was NOT good enough as I was. I was undisciplined, had no vision for my life, was prideful, did not understand daily relationship with the Lord, etc. After being in the HA, I started to grow up. The HA matured me and I will forever be thankful. Thank God that the HA did not allow me to stay as a boy, but pushed me into becoming a man that continues to get up after I fail and God willing has become a pillar in my local community.
If you are saying that God did not approve of you as you were when you came to the HA, I disagree. You can’t “do” anything to earn God’s approval. If that is how you feel, I am very sorry for you.
WOAH!!!! Recovering great point! I’m blown away. I did think I wasn’t good enough before I went to the H.A. and they just reinforced it and told me that now that I did what they told me to I was set! – really. That’s what they did. And I bought it. It’s so easy to believe..
WOW.
That just struck my heart.
It is something I still struggle with even years later – knowing that I am totally accepted by God JUST AS I AM – whether or not I do anything “spiritual” or “godly.” He loves us so much!
Of course, I knew that God approved of me before I came to the HA. This was reinforced time and time again in Sunday night services, Chapel, CD class, etc. The love of God was so rich when I was an intern. My Advisor, manager, and staff poured that into me.
You had put in an earlier post about the rule of having not putting elbows on the tables when you were an intern and somehow attributed that to TM saying that would make you a “better Christian.” That’s just sounds like manners and was probably one comment to help young people learn basic etiquette.
As far as the HA telling me I was set, I remember them telling me to walk away with humility, to be the biggest servant to your local church, to continue to learn and be molded by mentors, leaders, etc.
Sounds like we walked away with two different experiences.
…there’s a difference between learning basic etiquette [nothing wrong with that]and equating better etiquette with where you stand as a Christian. The whole gist of the “aura of a statesman-warrior” is works driven, even to the point of elbows on a table–if i happen to have my elbows on the table when i eat, it does NOT make me a lesser leader. it also strongly reinforces this ridiculous idea of elitism–as though interns were, or would become, a better brand of Christianity by following all of these rules and expectations.
those of us struggling with long-term effects from our time at TeenMania do not negate the fact that some people may not be dealing with the same things that we are, and realize that for some, the experience really was a positive. but at the same time, we would appreciate the same respect–you may not understand where we’re coming from, but it doesn’t invalidate how we feel, or the things we experienced. i’m sure many of us DO have fond memories, great friendships, and positive life lessons that were gained in our time at the internship [at least i know that i do], but that’s partly why it makes the struggle so difficult–how can something that God DID use to work in my life have, at the same time, left so many scars?
I loved my time at Teen Mania, but it wasn’t without it’s struggles and wounds. I too felt like I wasn’t a good enough Christian. I felt pressure to come up with something brilliant when others asked me about my quiet time. I felt like those back home didn’t get how to be a Christian. I am still working through my feelings of worthlessness regarding my walk with Christ. I feel the pain of those blogging here and commenting. I know of friends who went through counseling, suicidal thoughts, and even walked away from Jesus altogether at the wounds they received at the internship. I think Dave Hasz is amazing, and someone I look up to. However, I think the culture created at HA can be very dangerous to the spirit and can cause many deeply felt wounds that can take years to recover from. This is true with many faith based programs too, not isolated to Teen Mania. Some of the best times of my life were with Teen Mania on missions, and the friends I made at HA still carry through 10 years later. But some of the dangerous doctrine and mentalities have carried through as well.
I agree with you, Anonymous, many faith based organizations can create dangerous cultures and cause wounds. I’ve experienced spiritual wounds from more programs than just TM. It makes me very skeptical of all Christian churches and organizations. I love God, but want nothing to do with any kind of Christian community until I can figure out if there is a way to be a part of something while keeping a safe distance.
Yeah, I hear you. Unfortunately, one of the common effects of spiritual abuse is difficulty trusting believers again. I struggle with that as well.
ok so i have been praying as well as talking to a recruiter at HA about becoming an intern and i was so sure that the HA was where God wanted me. But after stumbling upon your blog im not sure now what God wants. I read lot of peoples stories and started thinking about my experience with TM when I volunteered at ATF last year. A lot of things that were said in your blog make sense. Even some things my recruiter is saying sounds smiler to the accusation that have been made on your blog. I guess i just don’t now what to do I really cant handle any more abuse and there r some many other thing i could do with my time like go to collage. I already have a hard enough tme with trusting people i just cant go through much more crap. I just need to know what to do should I go will it be worth it i just don’t know now? Some one please help
Last anonymous: praise God you’re able to see both sides before you make a decision.
I’m not going to sit here and say DON’T DO IT, because it’s up to you. Knowing what you know now, I would seriously pray about it, seek unbiased, Godly leadership (youth pastor? Pastor-pastor?) and see what they have to say.
If there are elders in your church that don’t exactly get a warm fuzzy about the HA, they’re probably right.
But if you’ve prayed it up, and have the blessing of your parents (because, Biblically, your parents ARE your covering, till you get married ;)), then do what you will.
Blessing and wisdom upon you, friend.