A quick thought occurred to me off the tails of my therapy sesh. One thing that I have been grateful for is the validation from the documentary and seeing TikTok after TikTok of people talking about their experiences and just how batshit insane the internship was. Validation feels great because it reassures us that yes, it really was that bad.
On the flip side, validation also validates how extreme it was. So, yeah, I’m grateful that people are recognizing the damage like I have been for some time. But then I’m struck with the emotion that comes from remembering how bad TM was.
It reminds me of when I broke both of my arms crashing into a car. It’s a short but humiliating story that I won’t share here. I handled myself fairly well as a 13 year old in a tough situation. I managed to get some adults to help me and I was carted to the ER. I’m admitted, hooked up to IVs, and the pain killers are kicking in. All the while, I’m having a chill time. Well, as chill as could be in the ER.
As soon as my parents step into the ER, I immediately crashed. My smiley-self took one look at my mom and I broke down into tears. My mom later explained it to me that before they showed up, I was in charge of my health but when I realized that they could take over, the emotions flooded now that I didn’t have to hold back anymore.
IDK… I feel a lot like that 13 year old kid again. I’ve been putting on a brave face, even convincing myself that I was doing alright in the recovery department. Then suddenly Shiny Happy People. Suddenly dozens of TikToks. Suddenly, I am unable to hold back the emotions that I didn’t even realize were brewing and now I am crashing out.
I’m not dismissing the validation. I still am very pleased to feel the validation, but along with not feeling alone comes the feeling that you were right all along…