I was recently corresponding with a reader who shared about their journey of coming to terms with their Honor Academy experience and I thought it was a great summation of the path many of us take towards recovery:
It has only recently occurred to me that my time with TM was really messed up. It’s been ten years since I left the HA and I’ve slowly transitioned from the HA is the greatest and everyone should go…I don’t agree with everything they teach, but no organization is perfect. It’s not for everybody….What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger…to current day, WTF, How did I ever think most of that was OK on any level?
Especially for those of us without dramatic stories, it can take longer to realize the damage that was done. The constant daily dose of condemnation, conformity and legalism takes a while to make us reach our breaking point and therefore takes longer to recognize.
How long did it take you to realize you needed recovery?
13 comments:
I’ve already said it, but it was pretty much as soon as someone told me something was wrong with the place that I realized I needed ‘recovery.’
I probably never would have known! and that process sounds about normal – The H.A. is AMAZING, The H.A. is amazing and I’m not, I can’t be all bad so some part of the H.A. is probably bad, oh, a lot of T.M. is bad????, I’m not that bad??? This is actually more T.M.’s fault than mine????? and then I’m sure finally, ‘F-Teen Mania.’
Hi i’m just an outsider who stumbled upon this after reading this piece of satire.
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Teen_Mania_Ministries
Aside from the article are you serious about this ESOAL thing?!? How long has this ESOAL group been doing this retreat? I can remember the section on CNN’s god’s warriors way back about your founder Ron and thought his group was elitist but i’d like to know for how long have they being doing such a ridiculous exercise such as this? I feel so horrible to see you kids be subject to such nonsense.
Hi Anon – ESOAL has been going on since 1999. If you have any questions about that in particular, please feel free to discuss on one of the many ESOAL posts. Thanks for visiting!
As I have said in many places here I knew things were wrong when I left. I knew not everything was Perfect with TM the night I drove off without intent of returning but I wasn’t ready to understand how wrong. When I got “home” and went back to school, I went to the church that had for the most part sent me there, I was expecting to really be able to speak to the pastor and youth pastor about the things I thought were wrong but instead was condemned harder by them. Of course they only saw TM through the eyes of a few two week missions trips and lots of ATFs. They honestly didn’t see how there could be something wrong and were in no way interested in finding out WHAT others thought was wrong. Many in my church stopped talking to me. I still had a few friends on campus and I supported them in prayer which helped me to pray for those that were still there. It wasn’t till a few years after I started doing so that I realized that the same things that I saw when I was there that bugged me continued to bother me greatly far into the many years.
Shortly after leaving the internship I started to realize the harsh effects that the HA had on my life but I wouldn’t admitt those things to anyone not even myself. I just thought something was wrong with me. I was a loser, backsliden christian that wasn’t fit to tie RL’s shoe laces. It took me 10 years before I jumped completely off the TM banwagon.
It wasn’t until this blog that I got brave enough to admitt the bondage that I had shaped my life around for so many years. Admitting all of this took me through all of the steps your friend described on this post.
Now I’m stuck somewhere between, “Don’t hold on to the past. Let it go.” and “It still hurts and I have to deal with it.”
By the end of my first year… I was figuring things out. I was still manipulated into signing on for a second year (still feel foolish for that…) but I left for good during Christmas break. Thank God for the final “straw that broke the camel’s back”.
Well, I think I just tried to push my TM experience into the back of my mind and just didn’t deal with it for a good 10 years. After about 3 years of doing this, I got really disillusioned with the church and with God and just stopped really participating in any kind of organized religion for about 2 or 3 years. Even after I started going back, I found myself very angry and frustrated with God for something I just couldn’t put my finger on. I still carried around a lot of shame and guilt (from TM and from feeling like I’d been avoiding God for several years). Then, I found this website and was able to put a name to what I was experiencing – it was an amazing “Aha moment” for me. I realized I had been avoiding God because I was associating him with TM and TM’s view of him and I didn’t want anything to do with that god! Once I realized this I felt like I was free to really get to know God again minus all the religious and TM B.S. I had been taught. I’m still a work in progress, but I think I’m on the right track. 🙂
This is not for promotion, but to share… the song Mountain on my new record really explains how I’ve felt about my recovery.
Check it out… I find it kinda comforting.
Oops… here ya go: http://yrlk.bandcamp.com
I am really grateful for this site…it has been a HUGE relief of guilt and shame for me! I NEVER did attend the HA but was accepted but did not go. I always felt guilty for not going, felt as though I had not done God’s will in my life. The feelings go on and on. After seeing ESOAL and then your website…that burden was lifted almost immediatley and I am blessed and grateful that I never went. Thank YOU!!!
Jennifer, that’s awesome! I’m so happy for the relief God has given you. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
It’s taken me about 9-10 years to begin realizing and I’ve only just begun. I am starting to see that the guilt and self-condemnation I’ve struggled with began after my undergrad year. I’ve never felt like my success or accomplishments in life were enough for God to love me. Fundamentally, I know that is wrong. But the culture there definitely produced legalism in people’s hearts, and the effects have stuck with me ever since.
Funny thing- When I listened to and read the lyrics of “Mountain” the day it released, I completely related it to my time at teen mania. Who knew it was actually written about Brad’s time there…
for me.. it took me about 2 years after the internship to realize things weren’t right with me anymore. I’ve been out 6 years now and i’m proud to say that teen mania is no longer apart of my life. I continue to keep in touch with maybe 3 people from my intern year but we survived the internship together. 🙂