A few weeks ago, Doug and Wendy Duncan hosted a recovery workshop weekend exclusively for former Honor Academy participants. Since I feel like I’ve already done the majority of my recovery work, I went in large part to show support for my friends.
I wasn’t expecting that the weekend would hold any particularly emotional insights for me but I was wrong. Before I share that insight and how it has impacted me, a little back story is necessary…It might seem random, but it will make sense at the end.
Point 1: Two and a half years ago, I was laid off. Available jobs in my particular field plummeted and I’ve been working part time ever since. (I’m being vague here to keep my professional life separate from my blog life.) Since I’ve been working part time, and sometimes not at all, I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands. For the past 2 years, I’ve wanted to join the local tennis league. I would look up the league schedules every semester and then fail to sign up. Even though I really wanted to play, the thought of spending my free time in such a “frivolous” leisure pursuit filled me with an incredible amount of guilt. How could I spend my time and money doing something that obviously had zero impact on eternity? People all over the world have never heard of Jesus and are living in poverty without access to clean water, medicine or education and here I am on the tennis court in the middle of the day with a bunch of rich white people. I should be working or volunteering or doing things that, you know, actually matter.
So I never signed up.
Then last fall, I discussed this predicament with my best friend who also happens to be a pastor’s wife. She encouraged me to sign up and that my feelings of guilt were silly. She gave me permission to do something I wanted to do just because I wanted to do it. She gave me the permission to enjoy my life.
Now, this might sound silly to you but this was life changing for me. The idea that I was allowed to enjoy my life was almost completely foreign to me up to this point. And not only am I allowed to enjoy my life – but its actually a good thing. I could do things I wanted to do simply because they were fun and I didn’t have to have a deeper, spiritual meaning to justify every activity.
I had lived my entire life feeling guilty for enjoying my life because of all the people that are suffering or on their way to hell because I haven’t shared the Gospel or been a sufficient “world changer.” All enjoyment was tempered and ultimately snuffed out by this incredible burden. And once that burden lifted, I realized just how much JOY I had been missing out on.
Point 2: A couple of months ago, I read some articles about Christians using the Bible to oppress and abuse people. I can’t even remember the exact story but it probably had something to do with telling abused wives they must submit to their abusive husbands or treating gay people like shit. Whatever it was, it sent me into a frothy rage that could not be assuaged all day. I couldn’t even understand where this rage was coming from. This was hardly new information to me, so why would it evoke such a strong reaction in me? I was so angry that I didn’t even know how to express it. Words were not sufficient and I don’t think I’d ever experienced such a deep fury in the very core of my being. After a day, the intensity subsided but I still kept wondering, what was that about?
Fast forward to the recovery weekend. The Duncans led a session on Grief and Loss. Everyone took turns discussing the losses they incurred because of their time at the Honor Academy: self-confidence, physical health, emotional health, friendships, trust, time, money, faith, etc. The list was long.
And then it dawned on me – the reason I had been so angry a few weeks before – I was grieving my most recent loss. The loss of a decade spent without the ability to enjoy my life. My entire 20s colored by the idea that it was somehow wrong or sinful for me to like myself and my life.
My first few months of freedom were caught up in actually enjoying my life and being so glad that I had this new perspective and that is a great thing. But now I’m grieving the fact that I spent over a decade without that freedom and joy. And I’m angry about it. I can’t ever get those years back. I can’t ever get those experiences back. So I’m in the midst of grieving this particular loss. And anger is a big part of that.
In another session we discussed “triggers.” Triggers are basically something that causes you to re-experience your trauma. It makes you react to the situation it reminds you of instead of the actual situation at hand. It can be a certain remark, song, situation, etc.
I’ve realized that people who use the Bible to oppress and abuse others is now a huge trigger for me. I can’t abide it. This is actually a fairly new reaction for me and I believe its directly related to my grief process. (Unfortunately, several new commenters have triggered me recently which has made it difficult to reply with my normal amount of patience and understanding.)
So what’s the point of all this? First, I just want to be honest about where I’m at. I don’t have all the answers and I’m still dealing with crap from my years at Teen Mania as well as the spiritual abuse that occurs in the church at large.
Second, recovery from something as traumatic as the Honor Academy happens in layers. Just when you think you’ve finally “gotten over it” something else will crop up in your life and you’ll start all over again on that new issue. And that’s ok. I’m fortunate to have good friends in my life that remind me that its ok to feel this anger. Even though I tell people that all the time, I need the reminder too. Anger feels wrong. It feels sinful. But its not. Its an emotion that tell us something is wrong. Pay attention to this.
So I hope you will give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel – whenever you need to feel it. Sometimes we can beat ourselves up if we feel like we haven’t “gotten over it” in an appropriate amount of time. But you can’t put a time limit on the grieving process. It is what it is. And the time it takes you to recover just testifies to how deep the hurt goes.
What losses are you grieving today?
51 comments:
I really like this post RA. You and I are in the same boat. I just ran my first 5K Saturday, so I’d been putting a lot of time into training and getting myself into shape. I joined a gym and have been going to classes that I think are so fun. And then the guilt creeps up- how can I spend $30 a month on the gym? I could sponsor another kid for that amount! How selfish could I be? My dad counters my guilt-ridden phone calls with the reminder that the Bible says God wants us to have life to the fullest and always validates me, but it’s still hard for me to not just drown in the guilt.
I know it’s not only TMM that lays the guilt of enjoying your life on so thick, lot’s of churches and probably other groups do that. However, in my particular case, it was TMM. All the messages about people’s blood being on your hands still haunt me. The story about the line of people going into hell stretching to infinity literally still keeps me awake at night years later.
I’m definitely at the beginning of my journey to understanding my faith and what I can believe is true. I’m trying to step away from all of the teaching of black and white faith and untangle truths from all of the lies and confusion. Your blog is helping me, so I thank you.
I went to a three-week retreat to deal with some of my issues that started at TM and continued 10+ years later. One of the main points that I got was the same, you have to allow yourself to grieve losses, even if other people say they aren’t significant. If it’s a loss to you then it simply is and you have every right to be in grief about it.
One of my losses recently was a dear friend, to most people it didn’t seem like we were that close, but his death has really ripped my heart open. When people tell me that I should move on with my life I know that they are, to a certain extent, idiots. I am grieving his presence in my life because it is a huge loss to me, I don’t know how long it will take but it’s a journey I’m on.
Thanks for the post.
Well said, thank you, RA for this post. *hugs* to you and the two commenters before me…well said…
This is a process….
I too, grieve the loss of my 20’s. I am also in the anger phase. I started to feel guilty for not having more grace towrd the religious zealots that are, again, also a huge trigger for me. But even without any kind of formal recovery counseling, I decided to just let myself feel the anger when it comes up, vent it in my safe places and move on with my life guilt free! I recognize that this angry place is not somewhere I want to dwell long term. My personality is such that I don’t believe it will take terribly long. Especially since I have been working my ass off and taking the steps toward making my 30’s everything I want them to be. But for as long as it does take, I forgive MYSELF completely for my own feelings. They are valid.
I am grieving the fact that I will never be able to go to church without being jumpy or suspicious.
A few months ago on the forum I was trying to express this very same thing. I feel like I didn’t get an early adult life. I just couldn’t figure out why.
Lately, I’ve experienced the same type of anger for the very same reason as I’m tired of super religious people oppressing so many very cable and good people. Especially when I’ve tried to explain over and over what my experience has been. They just don’t get it.
I have some of the same triggers. Another trigger is when someone tries to give me “advice in love” or all out tell me what to do. I had enough of the patronizing at TM. I can’t stand to see anyone trying to be nice just to get someone to do what they want.
I want to hug my 20-year-old self and tell her that being a woman does not make you second class, and that it’s ok to stand up for yourself and/or ignore speakers who try/want to make you feel inferior to men. I grieve for the years I believed those lies and for the actions they prompted that only brought destruction into my life and never joy. I’m angry at them for the horrible untruths they told me and embarrassed in myself for believing the lies. God how I twisted my brain into knots trying to make their illogic fit into what I know to be right and true about myself.
Years of recovering from that and I still have moments of rage.
Wow. What a beautiful post. Thank you, RA.
I have felt that anger off and on during the years, and can most strongly relate with the guilt of not doing MORE. The guilt around buying a new pair of shoes when I didn’t absolutely need them, taking a vacation, or getting a haircut. The guilt about not praying enough for the “lost”, or associating with people who didn’t have the same desire for righteousness that I (thought I) did.
I remember the first time I took a trip somewhere awesome just because I could, and not because of a “burden”. I remember the first time I had lunch with a non-believer and just SAW him in the beauty of who he was in that moment, and felt no compulsion to evangelize or fix him. I remember the first time I touched that anger and it felt like it was going to blow me up, and it nearly did. Thankfully, I have a safe place to release that anger, and I took full advantage of it. I remember the first time I gave myself permission to rest. Rest fully. Rest as much as I needed because I wanted to honor my body and my life, and sleeping 4 hours a night, for me, was self-abuse.
I also remember the overwhelming relief I felt when I really understood that it isn’t up to me (or anybody) to save the world. To change the world. To fix the world. I remember what it was like to give myself permission to NOT STAY DEAD. To express myself, even if it meant I was less safe in the Christian world…to believe that God created pleasure for pleasure’s sake, because he is THAT good.
It’s good to remember these things today.
C.R. You aren’t the only one I can only get so far into any faith community (or even lack of faith community) before I get the fear that they are just trying to force you to act specifically like carbon copies of them. UGH!
Man…this post is one of the most relatable ones on this blog. I’m almost tearing up because I too dread my life on a nearly daily basis. I am 25 and I spend half my time worrying about how I need to do more for the lost, and the other half kicking myself for actually enjoying my life and not having an overwhelming burden “for the lost” like all the “holiest” Christians do.
This is SO where I’m at… 4 years at TM, 3 years in a church, 1 1/2 years at another ministry… and I am angry. Angry at the loss of my time, angry at the guilt I have for no longer wanting to have anything to do with church or ministry, angry that I have lost all trust and respect for pastors or ministry leaders, angry that I worked my ass off for years and feel I have nothing to show for it… I completely relate to triggers… the smallest things set me off and recall the deepest pain and frustration. I’m angry for your sake as I read this… I’m angry for everyone else’s who was hurt or abused. I’m even angry at myself for supressing my anger for so many years that it’s now to the point of making me feel like an unstable and crazy! This morning I lost it over something and called a total stranger at 7am to yell at them because of it… insane…
Okay, enough venting… thank you RA for sharing this…
CP
heartsfire-Glad to see that I am not alone. Its been brought out a lot recently because my fiance and I are trying to find a church to call home before she and I get married next year. I am happy to be going to church with her but I just cant help but see the HAO influence where ever I go. Whether its there or not, I see it. It sucks.
I relate so much to this post. Let all the blog naysayers read this post and see this blog is real and achieving something. I am about to turn 30 and my twenties were awful. I’ve been in the depression stage for sometime. My dreams faded I lost desire to do anything. Some days I don’t even want to do anything. Is it all TMMs fault – no – but a part of me was destroyed because of things there. I’d say the rest snowballed. Great post. It really expresses a lot of what i have internalized.
RA…THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!!
This is exactly what I have been struggling with…even though I didn’t attend TM (was part of a high control group)
I have mourned for four years the loss of my teens and twenties to a cult…”The Cult Next Door” has been my two+ year funeral for my lost youth.
Does the guilty feeling ever get better?
I would agree that interacting with TM leaders or zealots is a trigger of some kind for me. I remember when I called in to the conference call, I completely lost my train of thought and felt the blood rush to my head.. and this was before hasz had even said anything to me.
I don’t have a full sense of what may have been “taken from me” because of the honor academy yet, although, it’s certainly not nothing.
We’re all in process.
What a wonderful post—and so many moving comments. I read a book a few years ago that I have recommended to a number of folks recovering from this sort of religious oppression entitled, How Good Do We Have to Be? A New Understanding of Guilt and Forgiveness, by Harold S. Kushner. He is the Jewish Rabbi who wrote When Bad Things Happen to Good People. It is a short book, but I thought it was profound.
I can remember dealing with all that intense anger after I left Trinity Foundation. And feeling so guilty about it! Then I read one of the cult recovery books and the author talked about how anger was one of the first signs of healing. It is normal and healthy to be angry about the wrong that was done to us. Anger is the “fuel of recovery.”
The experience that I had in a pseudo-Christian cult and the experience that y’all had at Teen Mania have forever changed us. Working through the loss issues is so difficult, but it does get better.
Thanks everyone for your supportive comments and for sharing your own grief. Its good to know we are not alone.
Julie – Yes, it has gotten much better for me. I think I’m experiencing a temporary setback because when I experience anger towards Christians, I automatically default into feeling guilty. But aside from that, over the past several months I have experienced such wonderful joy and freedom in learning to enjoy living my life.
Ben – I think a lot of us can relate to that. It can be difficult, if not impossible, to think rationally and have an articulate response to those that trigger us, ESPECIALLY TM leadership or TM apologists.
You know, I’ve been in the church for 29 years (I’m 29 years old) off and on. It’s really the hardest thing to look back and say I’ve wasted my time, BUT I do think my time at Teen Mania and a few ministries I’ve worked for after that, was a waste. What did it do for me? Being with TMM/HA caused more heartache then it helped. I can’t really say what phase I’m in, but I do know that separating myself from the “Christians” that are very much zealots is very difficult.
RA, I loved the post!
I don’t want to sound religious, but after I left Trinity Foundation, I clung to the verse in Joel 2: “And I will restore to you the years that the locust (Ole Anthony and Ron Luce) hath eaten…”
RA, IMHO,the incredible impact you have had on other alumni is part of how God may be restoring those lost years for you.
(sorry if this is triggering)
I think for me, my grief is a bit different and not entirely related to TM.
My grief is centered around losing my faith and who I was during that time of my life. When I lost my faith and deconverted, who I was changed, naturally.
I have no desire to go back to faith and I can no longer find myself believing in a god, but it has been difficult building a new identity.
I say this is related to TM because TM played a huge part in my deconversion years after I left.
wendyjduncan said…RA, IMHO,the incredible impact you have had on other alumni is part of how God may be restoring those lost years for you.
I’d have to second that – what you’ve done here is amazing. You’ve given voice to the voiceless masses. Well done.
I third that statement. 🙂
Shannon, I wrote a book, I Can’t Hear God Anymore: Life in a Dallas Cult, which tells the story of how I got involved in a cult and my transition out. All cults and spiritually abusive groups distort the character of God and their former members’ experience “shattered faith.” That is the greatest loss.
@ Wendy and gang
every though about doing a skype meeting for a session. or a webcast with a conference call
Memory:
Dave gives the plan each year. In it he specifically said our year (says every year?) something along the lines of, “Why pay money for a dog? there are starving people in Africa and you’re going to waist your money on a dog???” the thought was impact-full for sure. I mean, it is true and that is a way to look at it.
Anyways, I don’t know how much later it was Dave talked about his son learning to ‘give to his own hurt.’ because Dave and his wife had bought him a Maltese. I think, that’s what I remember him saying, if it wasn’t It was a really expensive dog. But they had to sell it to another family because their youngest child who was just a toddler was hitting the dog and trying to ride it I guess. (that’s what he told us, who knows why they really had to get rid of the dog.) So his son had to give the dog away even though he didn’t want to.
I was STUNNED in class. This was one of the times I questioned Christianity because of the lies I was hearing from leadership.
But there it is. Dave preaches to the interns whatever he wants and doesn’t actually abide by the rule himself.
Some how I still carried the mentality that I wasn’t suppose to do anything that benefited myself though. I was just so angry he played the hypocrite so blatantly. It wasn’t like he got a dog from the pound. He got a freaking Maltese!
I’m grieving the fact that I’ve been a mess for the last three years and no one around me has understood. (save this community. Which I praise God for.)
Now I’m finally coming to the point where I feel secure and not so angry that I hate people. Yet because so many people couldn’t understand me in my ‘issues’ phase, I don’t want them in my ‘sane’ phase.
@Shiloh…((hugs))
“Now I’m finally coming to the point where I feel secure and not so angry that I hate people. Yet because so many people couldn’t understand me in my ‘issues’ phase, I don’t want them in my ‘sane’ phase.”
Me too, Shiloh. *Smiles*
I hate the random paranoia I get now-a-days because of spiritual abuse in the past. I used to be too trusting, and now I don’t believe half of what people say anymore. I just want to be normal, and I have no one aside from my sister who understands.
wow. Thanks again for an incredible post. I grieve the years before my 20’s. The five summers spent with teen mania as a teenager in other countries, the waste of time and effort and money, and all of this ending with yet another long stretch of my developmental life at the internship. I grieve the time i spent studying false ideas. I grieve the precious energy of my young soul given over to a convoluted interpretation of the gospel message. I grieve the loss of friends and community. I grieve the loss of my identity within the world of teen mania and christianity. I grieve the developmental years I lost that I could have used to go to music camp, or learn how to be more active, or study something I was interested in.
it’s a great idea, but we are technologically challenged.
I absolutely love this post. I have many stories that I would like to share with you from my time at the HA. This post in particular is very relevant to me… very nice to know that I am not alone. Thank you.
What’s even worse is that people are using the Bible to collect funds but it all goes into their own pocket.
I have a good friend who was at Honor Academy for 2 years and she had a wonderful experience. She wasn’t brainwashed into thinking that she can’t enjoy life. Since she left Honor Academy she has been involved in a lot of different hobbies, she goes to movies, hangs out with friends, and has never felt guilty about it. I wonder why thee was such a big difference in your experience.
Personally I think that the teachings of TM particularly prey upon individuals who have existing insecurities. I could be wrong. My own experience was that my fears and insecurities were amplified there. When I went to leadership for help, every time I was advised that I was somehow in the wrong. I think some people honestly enjoyed the internship, but I would suspect these people were more confident in themselves and that they still believe all of TMs teaching. They may have not had a reason to doubt it. Again, I could be wrong.
Author of this blog,
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for speaking the TRUTH and providing a safe place of support for those who so desperately need it. One of my dear friends is a grad of the Honor Academy and still struggling with aspects of it four years later. My heart goes out to those who have been abused and brainwashed by Teen Mania. My heart is hurting over the hypocrisy of the leadership. What a misrepresentation of the love and strength God offers us all. Thank you for calling it like you see it. Someone has to.
-A Fan
I didn’t know where else to post, so thought this would be as good a place as any. I sympathize with your experience. I took a small group of teens on one of the Global Expedition summer trips as a young student minister at my church and had a questionable enough experience that I decided not to take part in TM’s ministry ever again. I also experienced what I would consider to be bad leadership and possibly even abuse of power, extrabiblical expectations, and intrusion into my private life with a mission organization that I spend almost three years with. I, too, am still dealing with and figuring out how to move on in spite of the things I experienced. So, I feel like I understand where you are coming from and appreciate your desire to be a support for others who are hurting. However (you probably knew there would be a “however” coming) I think you may have overcorrected a little bit, which is fine and may be a step in a person learning who they are and who God is, but if you’re going to set yourself up as an authority figure on the topic, you need to be very careful not to lead people astray, just like you were led astray during your time at TM. I would encourage you to hold firm to the Word, who is Jesus. Continue to focus on your freedom in Him, but keep human ideas and suggestions at an arm’s length. Consider the things people tell you…don’t just accept them because they are telling you things that you want to hear. I would also advise to operate this blog with the attitude that you are still learning and growing in your relationship with God. None of us has arrived yet, and we need to communicate with humility. So, keep moving forward. I think the purpose of the blog is important and useful to many hurting people…that’s why I’m writing. God Bless!
Pretty much, the HA can be hurtful.
Ultimately, some will be hurt, others will grow.
Sometimes its hard dealing with the past.
Sadly,there are some hurt by the leadership from TM.
I was not hurt (3 yrs: Intern / GI / SA)
Even if it is hard,press on, even when its hopeless.
So,God Bless those hurt, and thank God i wasnt one.
HA, I was never an intern in Texas but I did get “saved” at an ATF event in 1997 at age 15, which launched me into about 3.5 years of evangelical mania before I “fell away”.
For years after that, I went through exactly what you’re describing here, a lot of resentment about all the joy I missed out on because of the terrible burden of guilt imposed by the church. And that was mixed with the same kind of anger about my upbringing in a very legalistic non-evangelical sect that I considered evangelicalism to be my redemption from.
Anyway, in the past 2 years or so, with the whole experience further in my past, I started to reflect on it less emotionally, and what I found was that that 3.5 year period was a legitimate spiritual experience. I haven’t been a Christian for a long time, but rather than viewing myself as a victim of the church, I’m finally able to appreciate what I did get out of the whole experience.
For one thing, it instilled a memory of the feeling of detaching from the material world, not fearing death, and not judging myself by prevalent social standards – all qualities I’m glad I can tap into today. Sure there was a lot of legalistic, judgmental BS that organizations like TMM pile on, but still, the core experience was valid.
This is all just to say don’t worry. The anger and grief will stop, and you’ll soon leave the past behind and live in the present moment. And you’ll figure out a way to use the experience to your advantage.
Teen Mania and other such organizations aren’t specially-ordained, nor are they evil. They didn’t hurt you on purpose. They’re just clueless people like you and I doing what they think is best, subject to pride and fear just like the rest of us.
You’re obviously on a very insightful and purposeful journey of self-discovery and you should be very excited about the incredible places it will take you. All the best to you.
From an outsider, who has no connection with Teen Mania other than knowing the experiences of a friend and a couple of acquaintances, it’s incredibly eye opening to read the comments between current TM folks and those who’ve come out of it and realized the damage (from all the posts, not just this one). Its hard to see people you love so torn apart by experiences that were supposed to be deeply spiritual and life-changing (in a positive way). It hurts to see my friend struggle with all of the same things you describe on your blog RA. As someone who can’t relate and doesn’t have great insight for him, I’m grateful that you all have opened up.
On another note, as a Christian who knows freedom beyond legalism, it makes me angry to see self-righteous holy rollers manipulate impressionable young people. I signed up for a missions trip with GE when I was 18 (while my friend was at the HA and singing it’s praises). Thankfully my parents told me they didn’t have peace about it, and I didn’t go.
I’m hoping and praying that all of you will get past the emotional and spiritual abuse and that these types of organizations will be exposed for what they really are. Thanks to all for your vulnerability and openness.
A verse that has been helping me in my healing most recently:
Be wary of the teaching of the religious leaders: they place heavy burdens on the people who can least bear it, then refuse to help in the slightest bit. (Be careful to do as they say, but do not mimic their actions.) Wisdom also brings grief, according to Solomon. So in my grieving, I’m comforted that that means I will not repeat the mistakes. I’ve been trapped for too long in suspicion, and rage. I don’t believe God wants me triggerable, so much as he wants me to be able to respond to all people, and situations. Great blog! I like your insights, as I struggle in the same ways.
I relate to this post so strongly I still have a hard time walking into a church, or really having anything to do with God. I am currently recovering not only from Honor Academy, but from alcohol. While in Rehab the fact that I was in the Honor Academy came up (not something that I tell really anyone) And I realized how much I had suppressed. The program to recover from drugs and alcohol encourages a higher power, and honestly finding one has been very difficult for me. I am afraid, no terrified of this God who is judging me, who requires me to carry an 8 foot cross throuogh the mud for him. Who allows “core” people in my life to verbally abuse me. Through counseling and group I am beginning to try to open up to an idea that I hadn’t even realized i was so scared of. Thank you RA for your website. I hope one day I will be brave enough to write my story.
Another thing that saddens my heart is this. When I go to my AA meetings, it is a safe place. There is no one there to judge me. To tell me that I am wrong for being an alcoholic. The group is just willing to listen and understand what I wish for this blog would be that for those of us who are healing to let this be a safe place. I.E if you do not feel wronged by Teen Mania and you are not recovering leave the site alone because it is not meant for you. It is for thos in recovery. Those who are normal drinkers and can handle one or two drinks at a time do not walk into an AA meeting and bash all of those who feel the need to drink to destruction.
For those of you who feel that TM was a good experience for you awesome! I am glad you found something that helped you. However, this site is not where you need to be announcing your opinions. This site I feel is for those in recovery. Those who felt hurt. Who need to vocalize that hurt and share their experiences so they can begin to heal. Thank you RA so much for this site for your story, and your courage to help in beginning to heal.
Signed,
Serenity
Serenity – thank you for sharing. I started this blog after attending a support group of my own and you are right – the non-judgmental ethos of the support group is a wonderful source of healing on our journeys. Please feel free to visit the Recovering Alumni facebook page (request to join). That has been serving as a place of recovery in our community and ONLY recovering members are allowed to join.
“I had lived my entire life feeling guilty for enjoying my life because of all the people that are suffering or on their way to hell because I haven’t shared the Gospel or been a sufficient “world changer.””
something my church has been challenging me with is the idea of missional living. engaging everyday activities you love and enjoy doing but with Gospel intention as well. what better way to share the Gospel than with people you encounter regularly and with whom you share common interest.
thanks for sharing your insights. i’ve never had an experience with TM, ATF or HA but it breaks my heart to hear about people seeking to grow in the Gospel only to be pushed away from it. i grew up listening to some ATF albums but only heard about TM from the recent accident
Jesse,
Alternatively, you could just enjoy your activities and the people who hang out with, and not have an agenda about their spiritual state. Most people can smell a sell coming a mile away.
Wow,
I needed this. I’ve been so quick to try and get over things in the past without allowing myself to go through the grieving process. It is okay to be angry. The bible says be angry and sin not. It doesn’t say anger is a sin. We learned so much at TM. This is so helpful. You just don’t know. There are so many abusive churches and not enough refuge.
When I say I learned so much I learned pride, how to judge, how to belittle, how to be a performance monkey, how to busy myself for the Kingdom. How to have a quiet time for a requirement and not for the intimate experience of knowing God. Everything we did was based on a checklist. We need to write a play, movie, or book called “the intern Only the strong survive” (the last part is supposed to be read sarcastically). I feel like a casualty of war.
I stumbled upon this blog after randomly searching teen mania on google(I live about 10 minutes from the campus, and I was bored). I just wanted you to know that this post has been a great help to me…especialy the last paragraph. I’ll be praying for you and your ministry here.
RA,
I just wanted to let you know, that though you do not know me and likely never shall, you have helped me realize my own experiences lately have been with a cult of a different (non-religious) kind, and you have helped me find my voice when it was beginning to fall silent under the weight of so many screaming at me to Shut Up. Thank you for finding a way to speak to this old oaken-hearted man. 22 years young with a lot of life still left to enjoy. Hopefully I’ll navigate my way out sooner than so many of you, who were less lucky.
All Love,
—I.P.A.