(2023: This is one of ~80 posts hidden in the drafts folder of the original blog. The quote below is the original beginning of a post. It lines up with how I feel so I’m using it more as a writing prompt.)
You know, sometimes I think legalism is easier. When I was a legalist I had total certainty. I knew what was right and what was wrong. Who was in and who was out. Everything was black and white. Gray meant compromise, mediocrity, and lukewarm.
Original Draft
But then I grew up.
I feel this. More in the sense of religion in general, but I definitely get this feeling about legalism. There is comfort in the absolutism that is inherent in legalism. You don’t have to think too hard, in fact, it’s probably better if you don’t think too hard. Just follow the rules and feel secure that you are good. Things are black and white, good or evil. Nothing is nuanced or subtle and anything that is subtle is obviously not good, so it is evil.
As I said, I feel this more in religion. There are often times that I find myself missing the rigmarole of Christianity. The ritual of things like prayer and going to church. It is nice to just give up your worries to some deity or higher calling. Otherwise, you’re stuck with having to deal with things on your own.
Now, I feel secure in my atheism. I do not think that part of me is going to change anytime soon. However, I do like to frequently check in with myself about these issues. I will probably never rejoin a faith, but I am extremely confident that I will never rejoin the Christian Church. Some of the pagan faiths are intriguing and I feel like I could find some fulfillment in the rituals of other panthea.
I think this just highlights a deeper issue. What is it about religion or legalism that makes us feel emptier? The inner Christian voice in my head says something along the lines of, “Of course you feel empty, you have turned your back on God!” But that’s not the issue. My mental health improved by leaps and bounds after leaving the faith, almost night and day difference.
I have some longing for ritual, for a higher plan or power, or for something beyond myself. The issue is that I don’t believe that such things exist. So what do I do instead? I know of some atheist churches, which sounds like for former Christians still wanting community. But that’s not me. So for now, I am instead taking comfort that I do not have to worry about rules and whether or not I am “up to snuff.” I am me and I am doing my best.