So in August of 2002, less than 9 weeks after graduating high school, I packed my bags and headed for Texas. I was ready for an intense year of learning and growing closer to the Lord as well as refining my leadership skills. My first day on campus was very intimidating to say the least, I really felt like the only one who didn’t know what was going on. It seemed like most people there had at least a little bit of Teen Mania exposure. There was so much chaos, I dropped off almost all of my things in some random dorm room then I headed to the barracks with a small backpack of necessities. The Gauntlet – the first 10 days of my internship were pretty much awful. I cried every night and called home when I could, begging my father to let me go home. My father, who had no idea what was going on but trusted I was with “God’s people” and in good hands, told me to stick it out for a few more weeks and see if it got any better and if at that point I wanted to leave he would buy me a plane ticket home. I come from a fairly conservative Lutheran background, by this I mean I never saw someone raise hands during worship, speak in tongues, get “slain” in the spirit or get “healed.” Day One at the Honor Academy I experienced each one of these things – I felt like an outsider because these things were so foreign and misunderstood to me. I remember people telling me stories about how they received spiritual gifts from the Lord, how they made the lame walk, how they fought off demons and witnessed exorcisms. All of this felt so strange and odd to me, my whole life I’ve loved God and knew Jesus was my redeemer, I had memorized countless scripture, witnessed my testimony and strived to live a life that best represented Jesus Christ – I suddenly felt like some kind of Christian rookie, like I was starting all over again. I was told that the music I enjoyed was a vessel of Satan that was corrupting my soul. I was told that the movies I found funny were in fact not, that these things were “feeding my flesh” and I needed to cut these things out of my life if I wanted to grow closer to God. I had never felt so much pressure to fit in, in my entire life. I was told that if I wanted to follow my desire to be in ministry full time that I had to become a leader, to live above reproach and kill my fleshly desires.
Before the Honor Academy I felt close to God, I enjoyed praying to him and reading his word. His grace was sufficient. I really felt as though God listened to me and loved me as his child. Although, after some time at Teen Mania, I learned my previous conceptions of my Lord were false. Grace was not enough anymore, in order to be his vessel I needed to change everything about myself – who I spent time with, what I read, what I listened to, even how I dressed affected how God’s power would reveal itself through me and to me. The Honor Academy alienated me from my church, friends and family because these people did not line up with all the teachings I learned at HA. I actually got into an argument with my Pastor halfway through my internship. He and my church friends and family had believed I had joined a cult and staged an intervention for me while I was home for Christmas. Luckily the Honor Academy prepared me for such persecution and I was able to convince everyone that I was fine, I even went as far as to verbally challenge a few of them on their personal faith and convictions(yuck!).
The Honor Academy taught me that God is limited and conditional when it comes to grace, love and power. I feel like I could write on forever detailing all the lies and untruths taught to me throughout my year at the Honor Academy. It saddens me to see people that had such a fire for God and his love at the Honor Academy profess that they are now atheists or agnostics. That their faith became so much of a chore or burden that it has hindered them from continuing to pursue God. I will even admit that for myself it has been incredibly difficult to unlearn all the false teachings of Teen Mania. I still long to be that girl I was before the Honor Academy, the one who had such an unbridled passion for Christ and loving his people. The Honor Academy put so much emphasis and restrictions on my behavior that loving God and his people turned into a long list of do’s and don’ts.
Even now, I have a very hard time finding people that understand spiritual abuse and it can make me feel very alone. It does make me feel a bit better to see that there are others out there who have shared similar experiences, but the fact that Teen Mania is still doing this to God’s children is very upsetting.
