(Moderator’s Note: A Teen Mania alumnus recently posted his story. It’s quite long so I’ve summarized the main points. Everything in italics is a direct quote. Even though the following story is about a mission trip, it is very pertinent to the Honor Academy. Read all the way through and you will see why…This is a long post, but its worth it.)
I was so excited to go on my very first trip with Teen Mania for a month in Russia. I just knew God was going to do awesome things that summer. At first, everything seemed to be going great. Our team was really bonding and having good ministry experiences. I had no idea what was about to happen.
Following rules was always very important to me. I always tried to be moral, ethical and above reproach in everything I do. One day, while walking around town, our team leaders led us across the street. We were jaywalking and I felt that it was not a safe situation. I shared my concerns with the male team leader, who happened to live full time in Russia. He said it wasn’t a big deal there and I left feeling like he was unteachable and not open to correction. Looking back, I can see that was not the best assumption to make over something so minor. However, I just really couldn’t understand how breaking the law and putting our team in a potentially unsafe situation was ok and it continued to bother me.
The second incident happened while we were on our village trip. All the guys were hanging out in his room just having fun. My team leader decided to do some karaoke and he started singing some lyrics that made me very uncomfortable. Afterwards, I talked to him about it because I didn’t think it was setting a very good example. Even though he was nice to me about it, I was frustrated at not being taken seriously.
Other than these two minor things, the trip was going great and I was making good friends. Then one day, out of nowhere, while we were in the town square preparing to share the Gospel, my team leader came up to me and told me I was no longer allowed to speak with my closest male friend on the trip, Shane. I couldn’t even respond to my team leader because I was so taken aback. Shane seemed like a good guy and I thought we had a positive influence on each other. My team leader asked me if I understood what he was asking me to do and I said yes. He never told me why I shouldn’t talk to Shane but I just figured he would tell me later. For the rest of the day, I kept my distance from Shane as I was told.
In the late afternoon, we were walking through Moscow when Shane asked me to grab this pole and push people in front of the sound box. Our team carried a sound box everywhere we went as that was how we had our soundtrack playing during the drama we presented. Our leaders had a rule on the team that everyone must always be in front of the sound box.
So, Shane asked me to grab this pole and push people in front of the sound box. I grabbed the pole and we began to push people in the sound box. It was all in fun. As we were pushing the people, one of the girls fell down and got up but she scraped her knee when she fell. I didn’t even think about that incident being a big deal. But, later on I would find out that my team leaders thought differently.
We continued the rest of the day in ministry and headed back to our dormitory. When we got back to the housing, I was notified by my mission advisor (my small group leader) that my team leaders wanted to talk to me. I headed down to their room and they asked me what happened in the afternoon. I started telling them all of the great things that happened in ministry, but that wasn’t what they were talking about.
They asked me why I was talking and hanging out with Shane when they had told me to not talk to him. My team leaders said at this point they had already given me a warning earlier in the town square and now they were going to ground me that night in the dorms while the rest of the team went out to eat.
I couldn’t believe it. I don’t remember if I tried to explain or had the chance to explain to them how that I was not talking to Shane earlier but that we were just trying to move people in front of the sound box. I found out from my mission advisor that one of the team leaders saw the girl with the scraped knee and asked her what happened and she told them what Shane and I had done.
That night I had to stay back in my dorm while the rest of the team went out to eat. Shane also stayed back and he was in one side of the dorm while I was in the other. They had one of the team leaders or a country assistant stay back in the dorms with us while everyone went out. My team leaders instructed me to read the book of Romans and they wanted me to write a summary of each chapter and what I had learned from each chapter.
I remember sitting in that room thinking, I can’t believe this is happening. This is a complete misunderstanding. I was in state of confusion trying to figure out why earlier in the day I was with my team, but now I was confined to my room and had already been given a warning and been grounded. I remember back in training that they told us that Teen Mania had a discipline process and that at first you would be warned, then grounded me to my room, then loss of your free day, and then BVed’. The BV stood for Bon Voyage which meant you would be going back to your home during the trip.
So, I did as I was told and starting reading the book of Romans and writing my own commentary and summary. I really enjoyed it and the hours flew by. I wasn’t in my bedroom, I was in a common room that we sometimes used for team meetings, so I had to wait for my team leader to come and get me. After a while, I got tired and fell asleep. About midnight, my team leader came and woke me up. He had forgotten about me and left me in the common room on accident. He told me I could go take a shower since I was still wearing my drama make-up. I gave him the papers I wrote, about 20 pages or so. After my shower, it was about 1am and I was ready to go to bed and start a new day in the morning. I was still wondering why in the world I wasn’t allowed to talk to Shane but I figured I would find out the next day. That never happened.
Around 3am in the morning, my team leaders called me in for a meeting. I was half-asleep from a long day of ministry and it being the middle of the night. Although this meeting was years ago, it is still imprinted in my brain like it was yesterday. They asked me how I felt about my assignment to read Romans and write a summary of each chapter. I told them that I had learned a lot from it and I was glad to have done it.
The conversation quickly changed from good to bad as they said they had read my summary of Romans and were very concerned by what they read. They said that they could not believe what I wrote and then began to make some statements to me. Because this is so many years ago, I don’t remember them all, but I do remember one. The one that was seared into my memory was this, “We are sure that you have had other problems with leaders in the past. What has your relationship been like with your youth pastor, coaches, teachers, etc?”
My team leaders began to ask me about what I wrote on Romans 13. I had written in the summary that the Bible says in Romans 13:1 that everyone needs to submit the governing authorities for there is no authority except what God has established. I wrote in my commentary that when we were jaywalking we were breaking the law by not walking across the crosswalk. I said by us not doing that we were supposed to do we were in rebellion and specifically my team leader was because when I talked to him he did not take it serious. I probably wrote that as a jab to my team leader.
Because of these Scriptural convictions, my team leaders woke me up in the middle of the night for this interrogation. I was already in a state of confusion about all the events that had transpired that day. I had never tried to disobey or cause trouble and here I was getting in trouble for things that didn’t make any sense. As they continued to talk to me about the “rebellion” I probably had with other leaders back home, they told me that my upcoming free day would be taken away. At that moment, I realized that I had been warned, been grounded, lost my free day and was one step away from being BV’ed from the trip. It was then that I began to seize up and become very compliant to what they said.
I told them that they were right and I was in the wrong. I don’t remember everything else that was said, but I do remember agreeing with what they said. I left that room that night realizing that I couldn’t do anything wrong in the next few days or I would be going home. Over the next two or three days that we had left in Russia, I became very quiet as I did not want to say or do anything that would get me sent home. The rest of the trip passed without incident and I didn’t get in trouble anymore.
We flew back to the States, had our debriefing and I said goodbye to my team leaders. It was a good ending I thought. When I got home, I decided I wanted to come to the Honor Academy in January. I filled out my application and sent it in along with my references.
I probably sent my application in early October and then in mid-October I received a call from the Director of the Honor Academy. I was excited as I thought that I had been accepted. That excitement quickly turned to dismay.
I was told that the Honor Academy staff were not sure if I should be accepted to the Honor Academy. I gasped. I could not believe it. I wondered what part of my application did not make the standard. I thought about my GPA, but it was an average GPA. I thought about the essays I had written and couldn’t think how those could disqualify me.
Then these words came: “We are not sure if you are the right fit because of your experience on your Russia trip.”
I never thought that trip would be brought up. That trip was an anomaly in my life. I had never had an experience like that where I had problems with my leadership. I said that I did not fully understand what happened on that trip, but that I have never had problems with my leaders before that trip. I knew my recommendations from the leaders in my life had to be solid but they asked for more names of some references so that TM could make sure that insubordination was not a trend in my life.
A couple of weeks later, I was accepted to the Honor Academy BUT I would be coming in on probation. If I had any trouble with leadership, I would be dismissed.
The rest is history. I went into the Honor Academy and did not have problems with my leadership.
It wasn’t until Facebook came onto the scene that I came in contact with my male team leader. I asked him what happened on the trip. I received the response I thought I would receive, hoping that it would be much different. Here was his response:
“Hi Keith, I wish I could tell you what I remember about it. Unfortunately, I don’t remember that situation. I could only speculate at this point. From what I remember, you were a strong young man of God with a big heart. If I did say something like that, I must have had good intentions and your best interests in mind.”
Now, I wanted him to say in detail everything that happened from his point of view. I wanted to hear from why he came up to me in Russia out of the blue and told me to stop talking to Shane. I wanted to hear what I did that caused him to do the things that happened to me.
But, he didn’t remember. That is the response that I thought I would receive because it had been so long. I was at peace with his response because he didn’t have it out for me even though I used to think that way.
So why is this story relevant to the Honor Academy? Because this story belongs to Heath Stoner, current director of the Honor Academy. This incident happened 18 years ago and he recently posted it to his blog. You can read all 5 parts for yourself. I won’t link to it, but just search for the Honor Academy Director blog and you will find it. The series is called “When Bad Things Happen to Good Interns.”
What’s remarkable about this story is that Heath is using it as an apologetic for the Honor Academy and how to overcome your bitterness when bad things happen to you. In the midst of that, he actually fails to recognize the abuse he was subjected to while simultaneously pointing out that this type of abuse has been going on in Teen Mania circles for at least 18 years. When he finally confronts his team leader about it, he never even got an apology.
Frequent commenter, Eric P. summed up lessons that we can learn from Heath’s story:
Heath’s series of blog posts follows many of the same principles as the Recovering Alumni site. He’s revisiting negative things that happened to him with TM 18 years in the past, even doing what some would characterize as “speaking ill” of Teen Mania and “slandering” his team leaders. That’s perfectly fine; it’s his story and he’s entitled to tell it, even the painful parts. Of course, if he does, he shouldn’t have a problem with other alumni who decide to do the same.
The story is a case study of manipulation. Running down the list of mind-control techniques Heath describes being used on him is eye-popping:
- Arbitrary control of friendships and personal relationships
- Sleep deprivation
- Indefinite solitary confinement
- Shaming by leadership
- Threat of dismissal and losing position
- Scripture twisting–That misinterpretation of Romans 13 is rampant among cults; I saw it coming a mile away as soon as Heath mentioned Romans. (For the record, Paul is actually writing about government in that chapter, not spiritual leaders.)
- Language loading–“Problem with authority” and “rebellious” are classic spiritual abusers’ terms for “Not willing to let us control your life.”
- Authoritarianism–Anybody who doesn’t go along with the leaders 100% is considered “not a good fit.”
Experiencing all those manipulative techniques at once is hard for anybody to resist, and unfortunately it seems to have done quite a number on Heath. At the end of the story, Heath takes his leader at his word, without any evidence whatever, that they “had his best interest at heart.” The leader justified himself but didn’t address Heath’s emotional pain, let alone give any rationale for the arbitrary authoritarian control over Heath’s friendships. And Heath thinks this is acceptable.
No, Heath, it isn’t. Here’s what the Bible tells godly spiritual leaders to do: “Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, serving as overseers, not by compulsion but willingly, not for dishonest gain but eagerly; nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.” (1 Peter 5:2–3, NKJV) How does the example of your leaders measure up?
The take-away is this: Teen Mania is consistently manipulative, authoritarian, and abusive, and has been for many years — at least 18 years by Heath’s count. For some people, the manipulation works, and they are molded into achieving “success” in the organization. For others, well, their stories are told on other blogs than that one. Either way, as even the “Honor Academy Director” himself can’t deny, Teen Mania Ministries hurts people. It systematically abuses, manipulates, coerces, dominates, and controls them. And that’s wrong.
Some people see the wrong of it. That makes them “recovering alumni.” Others, like Heath and many people who still try to see TM in a positive light, try to justify it. The problem is that if you try to justify a behavior enough, you will become like it. As this video shows, Heath himself currently bullies and manipulates his students far more cruelly than anything in his own experience of spiritual abuse. The saying has it right: “Hurt people hurt people.” My heart goes out to Heath. Like the rest of us, even like the teens he’s bullying himself today, he’s a victim of the cult of spiritual abuse known as Teen Mania. I pray that one day he’ll recover.
First had he posted here what I would tell him:
It is fully acceptable to still want answers. You were 18 and from your view you did nothing to deserve the extra harsh treatment save for ask about following rules. It sounds like you offended his sensibilities and so he looked for any reason he could to take it out on you and that isn’t right. Real leaders listen to those under their watch and are gentle with them.
As to what I wanna say about what this shows I think he exhibited perfectly how someone goes from a normal youth who is doing all he can to live and love as God loves to someone who expects perfection and acts similarly to the leader he pointed to. The thing is because this is what he was taught this is what he thinks is the right and Adult thing to do. I want to tell Heath that Ron Luce does not know how to behave as an adult and that you have been taught the wrong way to lead in Gods love and amazing Grace. I realize that for him it’s not something he has seen another way for as an adult and that is horribly sad.
Wow! That was actually a surprising twist for me to find out the “real” author of the story. Although, it sort of makes sense when you realize that his “concerns” during the missions trip were holier-than-thou problems, especially with the karaoke bit. Not that people should be made to feel uncomfortable, and not that they shouldn’t speak up about it, but the story still makes him out to be “better” than everyone else somehow…
Heath’s trip and my first TMM trip sound similar. I went on my first trip when I was 13 and I was a shy, quiet “good girl” who hated to draw attention to herself. When joking with a teammate on the bus who had sat across from me instead of next to me I said (COMPLETELY kidding, I was laughing as I said it, as was my teammate) “oh fine, I hate you too!” My female TL immediately pulled me off the bus and confronted me about saying “hate” while on the mission field. I explained to her that it was a joke but she insisted that someone could over hear me and it was a bad witness. The teammate I had said it to even spoke with the TLs on my behalf, saying that we were just joking with each other. It didn’t matter. I was confined to my room for that for a night and made to copy 1 John word for word and then write a paper on it. My female TL wanted to BV me right away because she said I was a terrible witness for saying that I hated someone and I could have stood in the way of someone’s salvation that day. Fortunately for me, my male TL intervened. Needless to say I was terrified of doing anything else “wrong” for the rest of the trip. The worst part was that I hadn’t meant to do anything wrong this first time so I was afraid I might slip again without intention and get sent home. It was terrible. I was fortunate that my best friend was on that trip with me (on a different team) and reassured me that I was okay and my TL was way too intense. My mom was also great when I talked to her about that experience, but even now 13 (SHEESH how can it have been that long?) years ago I can remember how humiliating that experience was.
I have to counter this post with saying I went on another mission trip several years after that and had a great time. My TLs were awesome, the CAs were great. The whole experience was wonderful. I’m not crazy, I know that TMM can’t assure there will never be crazy TLs like on my first trip who are apparently itching to send kids home. But I think RA is right. If you don’t separate the good from the bad and recognize that the bad IS bad, you get a skewed and confused picture of what is acceptable. I could try to justify my TL and say, “oh it was ok she reacted like that, I did say hate and that’s like murdering my brother” or whatever but that would be crazy. I know my own heart, God knows my heart and that TL should have taken the time to know my heart to see that was not what I meant.
If I didn’t know the author, nor the origin or purpose of this post my comments would be as follows-
Keith, I am sorry that you had to go through this. This is abuse by the leadership in so many ways. The fact that you were left in a room, forgotten about, then forced to wake up in the middle of the night is classic cult tactics. The leaders in that situation should have been prevented from leading any further trips.
BTW, I LOVE Eric’s commentary!
Thanks, Shannon! I left the link in a comment for, er, Keith; I hope he reads it.
So sad for this person. How hearbreaking. It makes me so angry to see this. The arrogant behavior exhibited by Heath is sickening to me. All that comes to mind is Pride comes before destruction. God is the avenger, and in the end he will be accountable.
On a side note,it is so irritating to see bitter people commenting on EVERY post I look at (which is once in a blue moon). Is it wrong for me to say that some of these folks need a new hobby. And no, I am not referring to Eric mentioned above.
This is very sad to me. I really didn’t like Heath most of my intern year because most of our interactions occurred while he was holding a paintball gun. Later, I went on a mission trip where he was a leader, and he was so not what I expected. He worked very hard to make sure we had a great trip and never had a harsh word for anyone. Now hearing about his experience, I can appreciate that he tried very hard to make sure none of us had an experience like his. I wish he could see how much this plays out at the HA, too.
Anonymous – If you don’t want to read comments from hurt people, you probably shouldn’t bother reading this blog. And yes, it is wrong for you to say that these people need a new hobby. They are working through the recovery process. Its messy sometimes.
WOW!!
I read “Keith’s” story and was blown away by how similar my own personality was to his. Then I blogged about it.
And THEN I read the rest of the story, realizing it’s Heath Stoner’s story. I’m shocked. It’s easy to see how he could’ve gotten sucked into becoming that type of abusive leader after continuing the cycle of not thinking and just obeying.
Fortunately for me and many others, we chose to leave (I left Master’s Commission, which is really similar in abusive style as TM) or we’re kicked out and we get our heart broken because we lost what we considered family. Because of our “good fortune” we had to rethink everything that happened and it’s what makes us “recovering alumni.”
Thanks for the post and the site. 🙂
Lisa
Hey Anonymous, did you read the WHOLE story?? It’s HEATH STONER’S story…director of the Honor Academy, and not some peon like me.
As for needing to get a new hobby, I have one…he’s 3′ tall, weighs in about 30lbs, and is freakin cute as can be. However, am here to help those who, like myself, were abused by a ministry where we thought it was safe to be, and had put my trust into. A ministry that shattered my hopes, and dreams. It’s nice to see, for once, that it’s not just those of us from 2000 and forward that experienced hurt at the hands of TM leadership, but it’s been going on practically since the inception of the ministry. The mentality of an elitist doesn’t have a place in the church or in ministry. Same goes for militaristic behaviors. So for you to call those that post here bitter and in need of a new hobby, you must not have any real experience inside the “bubble” or you are one of the lucky ones that had a wonderful time, and was the model intern. Either way, as RA said, recovery is messy sometimes, and this is going to be a messy place as more and more people realize exactly what happened to them while there.
I was wondering when anyone was gonna say anything about his- he started posting his story a while ago. And yes, I thought of that- how hurt people hurt people. He posted this to say how healed he is, but I wonder how many of us experience 100% healing in this life. I’ve been on the fence this whole time with everything because I was an abused intern, yet I don’t blame TMM as a whole, still you can’t deny that something is going on today. “Methinks thou dost protest too much!” Anyway, I think his story only proves he is blind to how much healing he has yet to obtain, even if it is a testimony to how much he has received as well!
Wow. I was SO ANGRY reading that story.
Heath- if you see this. Your leader really should have told you what was happening to you and why. It’s not ok that he didn’t tell you and just expected you to do whatever you were told.
oh man, and going from getting a warning to nearly being B.V.’d in one day?! after you wrote 20 pages on Romans??!?!!!? Obviously you loved the bible and God a lot and had the ability to tell what was right and wrong and they were going to KICK YOU OFF THE TRIP!? That was the most shocking for me and probably the most obvious manipulation sign. you must have only been a kid Heath! How old? 18? Do you realize, from reading your story, you didn’t do ANYTHING wrong! not even ONE THING!!!
I havn’t read the blog, but are you suggesting that a ‘good intern’ should just take everything ‘bad that happens to them’ ? like pay $3000 for a missions trip and when they get kicked off cause their leadership decides they want to, they should accept that?
This is one whack story and I’m sorry it happened to you.
Regarding the “new hobby” comment:
I believe this fits right into the “someone has too much time on their hands” attack that you hear people make occasionally. It’s a foolish and selfish remark, usually based on the attacker’s problem and not the person who is being criticized. It usually signals that the speaker is unable to recognize why the other person values what they value. Usually it’s not out of boredom or “too much time” that someone devotes a lot of time to a hobby, group, community, or subject, but rather a rich web of costs and rewards.
So, what are the costs and rewards of participating in a group like this? I know that answer is different for everyone, but I suspect that “bitterness” is not on most people’s radar. I would be much faster to recognize this as a community that rewards its participants with interesting conversation, thought-provoking points of view, quite a bit of laughter, and for those who need it, healing.
One thing I meant to say about Heath’s story is that he makes it clear he has been thinking about it, revisiting it, and talking it over with others for years. That’s not different from what happens here. Hurt alumni process their experiences with the only people who can truly understand (or in some cases, believe) what happened. What is different is that after processing as a group, the recovering alums noticed a pattern of behaviors and actions on TM’s part that is damaging people to this day. Our community was not at the mercy of one team leader who was doing damage, we were at the mercy of an entire organization. There are people here who like Heath never really understood what they did wrong. Who spent their internship in fear of dismissal. Who became obsessed with following the rules. Who received punishments too severe for the offense. Who felt not good enough. But unlike Heath’s conclusions that sometimes bad things happen and leaders are doing what’s best for us even if we don’t understand, we’ve come to the realization sometimes leaders are not doing what’s best for us and the culture they’re in has blinded them to the mistakes they’re making. That’s why we can’t stop speaking out, until there are no more people left processing a scary, confusing experience for 18 years trying to understand where they went wrong or how they failed.
Well said Julie!
One thing I want to tell Heath and everyone else who might feel this way:
Heath- you love Jesus. And there are actually churches out there who want you because you love Jesus and lead people closer to God. They wont make you feel like crap if you mess up, they’ll forgive you and they’ll repent when they recognize they wronged you. You wont have to follow bull shit rules that are only there to control you.
I just wanted you to know. You can keep trying to live up to a fantasy standard if you want to. But you really don’t have to.
It sounds like the leaders were not very mature so to speak in regards to their judgment. It was also a long time ago when TM was relatively “new”.
I would guess that after all this time things like this have been worked out better..
The next thing is this, why is Heath working for TM after this experience?
And of course like any disagreement we seem to be hearing only half the story, which is not to say Heaths account is wrong, just simply what I said, half the story. Talk to the people who offended you, if they don’t see your point then move on and get past it.
Robert Cardoza says: It sounds like the leaders were not very mature so to speak in regards to their judgment. It was also a long time ago when TM was relatively “new”.
Actually Robert TM was about 10yrs old at the time – that’s not “new”. I happened to have that TL the next year in Russia and he had been working with TM for about 10 years at that time. So you could say that he was one of the original followers of TM.
Heath is a product of TM – at this point he can not see there’s not much difference between being treated badly, and treating others badly.
“Talk to the people who offended you, if they don’t see your point then move on and get past it.”
Heath did try to talk to the offender – He got the some response that this community has gotten from him and the rest to TM. “I don’t remember – gee that’s a bummer. Sor-rey.”
Its not an easy thing to “move on” when you are unsure what the issue was. In Heath’s case he treats people just as he was treated. This was obviously a big deal in his life, and he clearly hasn’t found closer from it yet. Which he has every right to do with out people telling him to “get past it” already.
> “I would guess that after all this time things like this have been worked out better.”
You’d guess wrong, sorry to say. See for instance Hannah’s story, which took place just last year. There’s over 100 true stories from alumni from just about every year TM and HA have been around, and they’re all depressingly consistent.
Note to Heath: if you’re reading Robert’s comment above, I wonder what your feelings are on seeing the stereotypical pro-TM lines…
– “move on and get past it”
– “that was in the past, things are different now”
– “why did you stay if it was really so bad?”
– “you’re only telling half the story”
– “you should talk to the people who hurt you” …
…applied to your own hurtful experience? Ouch, right? If you find those stock responses to be as unedifying as the rest of us do, I’d recommend you reconsider TM’s approach to the stories from injured alumni on this website.
Hang on guys, I said “move on and get past it” in the literal sense, not sarcastically. You do indeed have to “move on” once you have tried to resolve things with another person or you risk hanging on to the anger/resentment for the rest of your life.
“I wonder what your feelings are on seeing the stereotypical pro-TM lines…”
How do you know if I am pro-TM or not? I realize reading messages as opposed to seeing/hearing me in person if quite different but in this case be careful what you assume I am saying.
Robert, generally speaking “move on” has been used as a weapon against this community to mean: shut up about your pain and act like it never happened. Because of that, those are very triggering words.
I certainly understand “triggering” words and how they can be used. However as I pointed out that is what needs to happen in the end.
For example..
When I became a new believer a long time ago I was in a Pentecostal church (being generic here). A lot of the things that were taught/said to me by various members of the youth group, leadership, etc, were shall we say “exaggerated” as I found out later. I certainly was angry about that! But then as time goes on I had the chance to speak to some of these people and at least most of the time they roll their eyes in embarrassment and we get a good laugh out of it. I was angry for a long time but it certainly is better realizing that people don’t know everything (even though many Christians think they do) and letting it go.
(BTW, I hope that “letting it go” is not a trigger word too) 🙂
Robert, he didn’t call you pro-TM. He said those are pro-TM lines. There’s a bit of a difference, I think. 🙂
Also thanks for clearing that up, and I’m sure we all appreciate your sensitivity to triggers. Thanks man. 🙂
“Half the story…” he tried to get the other half and was denied it. Let alone that it was totally inappropriate for the TL to attempt to ostracise a team member and be totally unprepared to give a logical reason why. It was an extremly immature move. The handling of the pole incident also showed a lack of ability to make the punishment fit the crime – it wasn’t malicious, stupid yes, but not malicious. So the correct response would have been – come on guys, its time to grow up and recognize before someone gets hurt that using some thing to physically push someone to do what you want could have much worse consequences than a skinned knee. Don’t do it again. That is all that was necessary for dealing with what was a common, but immature 18 year old guy action.
“Talk to the people who offended you, if they don’t see your point then move on and get past it.” Just because a perpetrator doesn’t see your point doesn’t change the fact that you were wronged. I don’t think the guy who stole my husband’s car really gives a flip about the inconvienence that has caused us. Assuming they ever find the perps, law enforcement won’t “just move on” because the perp (the cops know who he is, but he’s a professional who is really good at not leaving evidence) doesn’t see our point. The car situation has become a funny anecdote. These stories are NOT inconviences that become funny stories with time. It is really sad that you would see the point of the cops going after a car thief but not understand that the emotional wounds that people give each other are far more destructive and shouldn’t be shoved into a closet because one side doesn’t agree that it was traumatic. There are un-repentant abusive people who really don’t care about the effect of their actions on others. Their actions are still wrong, and “moving on” enables them to continue with their abusive behavior.
“I don’t think the guy who stole my husband’s car really gives a flip about the inconvienence that has caused us. Assuming they ever find the perps, law enforcement won’t “just move on” because the perp (the cops know who he is, but he’s a professional who is really good at not leaving evidence) doesn’t see our point.”
In the example above you show a crime committed and consequently the police won’t “move on” until the guy is arrested. Very good, no disagreement there. Or do you want to get the police involved with TM’s treatment of interns? (Not being sarcastic, simply asking the question based on your comment.)
“but not understand that the emotional wounds that people give each other are far more destructive and shouldn’t be shoved into a closet because one side doesn’t agree that it was traumatic.”
No disagreement about emotional wounds, etc. My point is that after the “emotionally wounded” one confronts the other person, etc, and there is no resolution you have to do something to get past it which in most cases involves “moving on”.
Robert– Appreciate the clarification.
To counterpoint your last comment, the usual TM-catchphrase version of “moving on” is expected to take place before confronting the other person, before even acknowledging that the events were emotionally wounding, and definitely before telling the story of your experience in public– which then you won’t ever have to do, conveniently for TM. Because, of course, you’re not supposed to speak ill of TM, so if you say you were hurt, you’ll get blamed as the victim for being “bitter” and “slanderous.”
In other words, it’s the difference between a process of healing and dismissiveness by denial.
From the way he tells his story, I’m afraid that Heath has “moved on” without ever addressing the emotional pain or admitting to himself that the leadership was mistreating him. As a result, he’s perpetuating the patterns of abuse on other interns today. It’s an extremely unhealthy step to take.
I went on GE trips in 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009, and this could be a carbon copy of what happened to some of my teammates, especially in 2007 and 2008.
One girl was very depressed and even suicidal. Because of her weakness, she was cut off from all of her teammates, constantly interrogated, and constantly punished by being left at the dorm. This is a classic GE move – someone’s misbehaving, you drag them out of bed at 2 in the morning to talk to them. Not only does it scare the crap out of them, it makes all their roommates believe they’ve done something really wrong and makes it that much easier for the Team Leaders to sow dissension. ‘Cause if you can’t get that missionary to see their wrongs, have their teammate show them how evil they are by not associating with them. Even better if you drag them off to the PD’s room, where no one’s allowed except when they’re in trouble, and make them stay in there all day. And when they get out, don’t let them talk to their teammates about it or let the teammates ask questions or even if they’re ok by saying they’re “dwelling on the past sins” of that person.
I would bet this Shane was in trouble for something and the TL’s were trying to straighten him out by isolating him. I saw it so often. Anyways, in this one girl’s case, the Team Leaders made us all believe that she was this horrible person that was causing all the fights going on within our team, when really it was all the leadership’s secrecy and rumors.
I didn’t find out about her depression till we reunited a few years later and it still makes me sick to think that I believed them. Even the MA (small group leader) who acted as a legitimate spy for the leadership (telling on missionaries if we tried to talk about the situation) apologizes for it today, though she says she was told that if she didn’t follow the leadership blindly there was a potential the depressed girl would manage to kill herself.
I thought this incident was just because the leadership was bad, but once I saw it, I was able to recognize it being used by leadership on later trips. They just didn’t let it spiral out of control as much as that 2007 leadership, so only the GE alumni really noticed and we just accepted it as necessary to keep the team in line.
(Sorry if this is rambling, it’s kind of late!)
Also, this applies to the Honor Academy because most of these “leaders” are HA staff members, or at the least, all HA alumni. Wonder where they got the training that has all these leaders using the same techniques…
Wow, Marisa, thanks for sharing that. I’m glad you were able to eventually see past all that and reconnect with a girl who was probably pretty hurt from that trip.
Marisa– That’s a point I hadn’t considered. Heath makes a big deal out of trying to reconcile with his team leaders. He never once mentions whether he tried to reconnect with Shane.
Poor Shane.
I was almost BV’d from London. I had gone to sit in the shade a little to far from my group. (Which I acknowledge and realize I was too far away). I had turned 18 the week before, and was suddenly in charge of these 8 kids who were only 3-4 years younger than me. Some men had walked up had initiated conversation(where is the bathroom) and another girl was standing not even 20 feet away watching me. She went running, and I do mean running, to the TL’s to tell them what I had done. Apparently in London, it is considered loose for a female to talk to a male, and I was clearly offering myself to these men.
I was stripped of my MA/MT status immediately, confined to my room and told I could not go out that evening, as it was free night. They also told me that I would probably be on the next flight out, so I needed to begin packing.
I told them, quite respectfully, “That is fine, send me home. I have more than enough money saved for the flight, and the only thing my Daddy is going to say to me at the airport is, “I’m so proud of you, baby! Welcome home!””
Needless to say, they thought that I wouldn’t learn my lesson and did not send me home. I felt so foolish. I knew I had gone to far away from my MT, but I was still very near another group. I was not alone, nor had I done anything truly inappropriate. And frankly, I wont even get into the actions of the people on the other team. I was embarrassed when both teams would group up, for the way the other team treated my team, and the public behaviors, and the way they treated each other.
I will never forget that trip, and based on my experience, I would never recommend a GE trip to anyone. I have gone on several missions trips, and done FAR worse things! I will always take punishment deserved, I’m a pretty decent person, but that? It was extreme, especially for a kid who just turned legal and was unexpectedly thrown in charge of a MT and a MA.
This sounds similar to my “authority problems” while in Panama in 2002. I was a 17 yr old punk rocker with a “testimony” of drug abuse, depression and suicidal thoughts, and promiscuity….so I was already on their radar. I felt like my quiet times were personal and that I didn’t need to share every last detail with my MA, so everyday when my MA would ask how my quiet times were I would tell her that they were good, she would prod and ask what I was reading and what I was learning, and I would usually give a reference for where I was reading, but would say that i felt like my quiet times were personal and that I didn’t need to share them with her. After about a week of this the TLs took me aside and said “It’s obvious you have a problem with authority. Why don’t you tell your MA about your quiet times?” I explained why I didn’t and they told me that I was wrong and that I must share them with my MA and that my refusal to do so was rebellion against authority, and since it was “obvious” that I had a “problem with authority” that it was especially important for me to share my quiet time with my MA to show my submission to authority. I disagreed and the fact that I disagreed and argued and backed up my stance with scripture, that was just further proof of my “rebellion.” A little back story, Panama is almost entirely village trip, so we were in a village on a river in the Darien…so it’s hard to get away from anyone or anything there. I had trouble eating my GIGANTIC portion of food on the fist day there – tuna, rice and beans – WAY over portioned (so much for being healthy and a good steward of our bodies, right?) So I told the TL that I was very full and could not eat anymore….had it been a secular event he probably would have cussed me out he was so fuming mad at me for being so ungrateful for my food and being rebellious against authority for complaining. They stood there and watched me eat the rest to make sure that I ate it all. I felt like vomiting. The confrontation about the quiet times came after this, so they were already on to my “authority problem”. So after I was told I must share my quiet times with my MA, I started giving her a basic synopsis of what I was learning..but it wasn’t good enough, and yet again I was confronted by the TLs about my “authority problem” and that I was not sharing enough about my QTs with my MA. So now that I was sharing them, it apparently wasn’t good enough. I was threatened with disciplinary action and told that I was going to get myself BVd.
Continued – The funny thing about this – more back story – my MIG was responsible for food in the village and we had to wake up before everyone else to start preparing food with a family in the village, then serve it, then clean up afterward, then do ministry, then leave ministry early to start preparing for lunch – in doing so we missed swim time in the river which was also our “showers” (so the food MIG was dirty from not cleaning ourselves daily like everyone else) then serve lunch, then clean up, get to ministry late, then leave it early to start dinner prep and thereby missing free time, then serve dinner, clean up, and by that point it was dark and we listened to a bible teaching and went to bed, to do it all again the next day. What’s missing from this routine? QT! In getting up earlier than everyone else to start breakfast prep, we missed QT when everyone woke up. After the first few days of this, it was brought to the TL attention that we were missing QT, missing swim and thereby remaining quite dirty, and missing free time, so our schedules were rearranged to have a QT, to get swim time, and to have some free time (though at different times than the rest of the team). So my lack of talking about QTs to my MA was also because I WASN’T GETTING ONE for days. But of course, the issue was my “authority problem”. I got so frustrated with the whole situation, I cussed out my TL (not to their faces) under my breath to a close friend (a male. i’m a female. gasp), but thankfully no one else heard it, and my friend was also frustrated with leadership, so he didn’t tell. he actually laughed when I did that. Anyway, I made it through, “authority problem” and all.
I will say this though, my 3 summers on mission trips were life changing. They still affect me today, in positive ways. Although I realized later that a lot of it was just a spiritual high and I fell very hard every time after a mission trip (back into drugs and violence), they were still very positive and life changing in other ways.
I’m a little late to this conversation, but I have a couple of comments:
First, I know that the “move on” comment has almost been beaten to death, but here’s this: If you confront someone about a specific behavior that is abusive to you or someone else and the person refuses to hear it, acknowldege thier wrong, and change their behavior, you bring it to church authority for them to deal with it PUBLICLY. If the people in authority are also corrupt and refuse to do what is required of them to maintain a safe space, then you take it to the government. The Bible says to forgive, but forgiveness does not equal moving on or letting go of the necessity for the abusive behaviors to stop. In fact, the Bible is pretty clear about how we should handle people who abuse others, especially in the name of God.
Continued…
Second: This is a sacred space, and a sacred rite of passage toward complete healing. In finding our voice and speaking up about the horrible things that have happened to us, we speak for those who cannot yet speak for themselves and the abuses that have been experienced and gone undocumented. The ONLY way to get to the other side of this (the side of healing and personal transformation) is to go through it…not around it, not over it, not under it, and not stuck in it. We must go through it. Not “moving on” is actually healthy when you consider this. Recovery is a messy and scary and sad process that brings up all kinds of intense feelings. This is the place to express those experiences and feelings so we can all move through it, instead of just “moving on”. And clearly, by Heath’s own words and story, he has not “moved on” because he has not allowed himself to fully accept how painful and damaging this was for him. He has not been able to transform his pain because he still refuses to acknowledge it fully in the first place. So he continues to recreate it, and will continue to recreate it until he is ready to fully acknowledge how deeply he is hurt.
And as a side note to Anon on 6/17:
“Apparently in London, it is considered loose for a female to talk to a male, and I was clearly offering myself to these men.”
Whoever told you this was just WRONG. My best friend lives in London. I even chatted her to make sure. She laughed hysterically. I’m sorry that you were made to feel like you were “loose” in any way.
yeah, the london “culture pro tip” thing about women talking to men directly made me laugh out loud. in the way you laugh at horrible things that are ridiculous and untrue.
it’s totally not true anywhere in europe…or probably anywhere where women aren’t wearing burqas.
I was about to post a consoling thought/message to this hurt individual, then found out it is Heath! Wow, so sad.