My mom and dad wanted me to wait it out and stay there for the two months (that we already paid for). I got voicemails from friends and family encouraging me to stick it out. I ignored them. I had to. I couldn’t stay. Not after all that had happened that day. Adair’s parents bought me a bus ticket and arranged for a cab to pick me up the following morning. I felt so much relief that they were behind me and that they believed what I was saying. Everyone else was convinced that I was just homesick. I told my Dad that Adair’s parents got me a bus ticket. He told me he would reimburse them and finally agreed to let me come home.
I was so nervous to tell my Core Advisor, Dina, that I was leaving. Fortunately the evening service was cut short after we watched a video on ESOAL. I was chastised for reading my bible during the worship service. I didn’t care. The weird thing about the worship is I kind of realized that the reason why I didn’t feel comfortable was because the God those people were worshiping, was not my God. My God is a God of love and grace not one that demands all sorts of legalistic rules and secret events/societies. I honestly think that that was why I was unable to get into worship.
I went back to my room and while my roommates studied and memorized stuff they didn’t notice that I was packing my things. Once I was all packed up, I was finally ready to go to Dina. I knew she was going to try and talk me out of it. And I was prepared to be insistent no matter what. I looked for her in her room but she wasn’t there. One of the girls from my core told me she was off campus. I groaned and decided to call her anyway.
The conversation started with me saying “I’m leaving tomorrow. My mind isn’t going to change. I just wanted to let you know.”
It was a lot harder than it sounded. She was really upset when I told her. I’m pretty sure she was crying at some point. She told me that they prayed for everyone that was accepted and that I was going out of God’s will if I left. I didn’t give her a lot of detail on why I was leaving. I didn’t tell her about the bible verses. Every reason I gave her, she argued back at me and it almost made me see her point. I am really bad at arguing. I am firm on what I believe but I don’t like conflict. I don’t like proving my point. I just wanted her to let me go.
Finally after 2.5 hours on the phone she relented and a few minutes after that I talked to Katie, the dorm director. Thank God, she only tried to convince me to stay for 15 minutes. She even went as far as to say that I shouldn’t go because I’d be taking a bus home and buses are dirty. I told her that at that point my transportation out of the place didn’t matter, I would hitchhike home if I had no other option. She gave me paperwork to sign and left my Dad a voicemail. As soon as I signed those papers I felt so free. I gave her my key and my binder. I didn’t want anything from the Honor Academy.
I told my roommates that I was leaving and gave one of them my bedding and some storage bins. She didn’t bring a lot of stuff with her. I packed up the rest of my things and had trouble sleeping. There were too many thoughts running through my head. Things that Dina said that stuck with me, things that Dave Hasz had said, and the events of the past five days deprived me of a peaceful rest. Before I knew it my roommates alarms were going off at 5:00a.m, for corporate exercise. I got up with them and said good-bye. My only friend, Gina gave me her number and e-mail and told me to keep in touch. She also wrote me a touching note. I felt bad when I said good-bye to Dina. I knew she felt ashamed that another one of her girls was leaving. I was worried that she would get in trouble or would be told that she hadn’t done enough to keep me there. I hugged her and told her I’d let her know when I was home safe.
They finally left and I was finally alone. It was strange to be completely alone. I was finally able to breathe. I laid back in bed for a little bit and then packed the final load. I went downstairs around six thirty to meet my cab. I ran into a few people asking me why I was leaving. I just said I didn’t feel like it was the right place for me. I met the cab driver at the gate and he told me he could pick me up outside my dorm and help me get my luggage in the cab. As we drove off we passed by a group of interns running.
“There goes another one!” someone yelled sarcastically. They cheered. I didn’t care. I was free. I was in a cab and I was on my way to a bus station. The sun was rising and never before had I seen such a beautiful sunrise. I was going home.
After the Honor Academy – After my long bus ride home where I discovered my passion for urban ministry, I returned home and lived in a few different places. I applied for jobs and started babysitting. I started showing signs of depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I didn’t like going to my new church anymore. I wasn’t sure if I could trust them. I didn’t like worship because they sang the same songs that Honor Academy did. I would freak out if I saw someone that looked like someone I knew at Honor Academy. I had dreams at least once a week that I was back there. I was confused out of my mind on whether or not I made the right decision. Almost everyone was convinced that I came home just because I was homesick, even my Aunt Mare. I searched online too much about it, trying to find something that would prove to them that I was right, trying to prove to myself that I was right. It made my trust issues deeper. It made me run back to my childhood church because I was comfortable there. As time passed by I felt better little by little, day by day. I finally received affirmation that I made the right choice in leaving when I read the blog posts on recoveringalumni.com.
Conclusion: I was only at the Honor Academy for five days. Five days. But the affect it had on me was rough. I cannot imagine what would have happened if I had stayed the whole year or even the two months that my Dad paid for. While God met me and showed me He was with me when I was there, I really wish that I had prayed more before I went. I would have saved a lot of wasted months in depression. It matured me in a lot of ways but it was painful and I still shudder at the thought of ever returning. A week or two ago I had a panic attack at the sound of Ron Luce’s name on a local Christian radio station. The hardest thing I think, is the mashed up good mixed with bad. I doubt even the good things. I still do. And I don’t want to. But it’s something God is helping me with. He’s showing me that He is good. And even though there are a lot of misguided teachings and leaders, He is in control and light always triumphs over darkness.
