Ashley’s Story: Part 1

I just want to start off by saying that the Honor Academy was not the worst moments of my life…I’m not bashing it or badmouthing it in any way, I’m just bringing to light that there are those of us (myself and my husband included) that had a very difficult time growing and maintaining our lives, health, spirituality, and emotional and mental stability while enrolled.

I was an August intern 07-08, when I left for TM I was 18 and I had been around the block with life one too many times. I had graduated from an excellent Christian school, had a wonderful church, was head of the young women’s ministry, and I felt that my life was going well and that my walk with the Lord was wonderful…I was just looking for the next step onward and upward to boost my relationship with my Creator. I had a colorful past to say the least and although my life looked wonderful on the outside I had my share of scars on the inside from which I was still healing and which at my time of leaving I was receiving Spiritual help and guidance.

I arrived at TM with high hopes, excited of the wonderful things my God was going to reveal to me and the growth I was going to experience over my year and under the guidance of some excellent men and women of God; however what I found was indeed quite the opposite. It all started almost immediately after my arrival on campus…I received my gauntlet core, settled in….and waited. By the time I had arrived in my dorm room (about 5 p.m.) there was no one around, no core-mates, no CA, it actually wasn’t until bed time that evening that I even met one member of my core. This all wasn’t too big of a deal, as new interns we were all a bit skittish and shy of these complete strangers we’re crammed in a room with; but within 2 days of living with them I had been outcast as a black sheep, a few members of my gauntlet core had actually admitted to me that they straight up didn’t like me….(to put it in their words I was “too quiet”). Gauntlet flew by in a blur, as it had for many of us, I learned the ropes and learned them well, and by the time that week was up….I was done. Now don’t get me wrong….I am an alumni now…I did graduate that year…. but at this time I was tired of every minute of every day being scripted for me. I have always been a very “free spirited” individual, open minded, I share my opinions and beliefs freely, and have some severe physical handicaps. So needless to say gauntlet for me was, pardon my expression…hell. 5 am corporate was total and complete insanity to me, I already had two permanent hip injuries and severe knee problems at this time….so running was beyyyoooond out of the question; however even after explaining this to many people on several occasions, I was the social pariah and the Spiritually weakest member of my gauntlet core. For the simple fact that my physical limitations kept me from “beating my body and making it my slave”…I had apparently chosen the “lazy and complacent” path as told to me by many members of TM, including staff, GI’s, and my resident January.

Gauntlet week mercifully ended and we received our permanent cores, (and just let me add a slight little side note that it wasn’t until 2 months into my internship that I met my gauntlet core advisor….the entire week of gauntlet none of my core had met her, spoken with her or even knew what she looked like). My core was a wonderful group of women, I loved my core advisor, that was all wonderful…my ministry placement however…was a completely different story. I am naturally a very awkward individual, not very eloquent in person and very, VERY reserved with strangers….and they placed me on the phones. I was placed on the GE Promotions team…..and I was miserable. But all through this time, gauntlet…corporate…my ministry placement, I chanted the TM eternal mantra……God obviously has a reason for placing me here…so I will be happy and grow and learn through this. Looking back on it now, I was brainwashed……I had bought hook-line-and sinker TM’s mission.

For the first several months, I exercised through the pain, I called even though I was terrible at it and disliked every awkward, nerve-wracking second of it, I went to every class, and was what people would call the “perfect intern”. However on the inside this wasn’t the case. I was struggling with something, something about this perfect TM world wasn’t quite right and I couldn’t figure it out. I tried talking to people, my core, my CA, my RD…and they all told me that it was some sin that the Lord was trying to point out in my life that I hadn’t addressed or was hiding or repressing or refused to give up. I heard it all. So I did what any good intern would do…I poured my heart out the the Lord, asking Him over, and over again to show me what it was that I needed to get rid of; to shine light on what it was that I still haven’t dealt with. After about 3 months of this the feeling hadn’t gone away…and I finally dismissed it. I tucked it away telling myself that I was making it up….it didn’t exists, it was the stress of the workload causing me to hallucinate. (And yes, I really did convince myself that this was the case).

You may have noticed that at this point in my story I am about 3 months in….I skipped ESOAL! How could I forget such an important part of the TM world. ESOAL was not a good time for me….in fact I still have nightmares about it. And the sad part of that is, I didn’t participate! I was not allowed to participate in ESOAL because of my medical conditions, (apparently 5 am running is still required) so I was placed in a part time ministry placement for that time. Unfortunately that position happened to be the guard booth….so if you had an injury I was the one they called. I was basically the field medic of ESOAL, helping those select few that we’re either too injured, exhausted etc. to walk themselves off the field. To this day I can still remember carrying full grown men because they couldn’t walk, sobbing women that were totally emotional and physical wrecks and convinced that because they were forced to ring out that God was going to punish them, there was even one occasion when I had to have emergency services on the scene to escort a young lady away…….and this is supposed to be a good thing. I may not have participated, but the time I spent with the men and women I helped during that LTE still bothers me to this day.

9 comments:

squeakycheez07 says:
May 17, 2010 at 8:58 AM

Hey. I just read your story. We were on campus around the same time. Except I was a GI.
What got me was your gauntlet core story. It really upsets me that your gauntlet core CA didn’t find it important to love and care for you girls like she was supposed to. I’m so sorry.
I’m looking forward to part 2 of your story. I had a friend break her leg during that ESOAL. It was nuts. I had to take her to the doctor and try to explain how she broke her leg without making ESOAL sound like a cult function.

Nunquam Honorablus says:
May 17, 2010 at 11:41 AM

Squeaky-

I’m pretty sure I know which girl you’re talking about… I can’t imagine how crazy it must have been to try and explain that to the doctor, ESPECIALLY with how she actually broke it. Ugh.

Ashley- I was in your class! Though I don’t really know who you are. I’m looking forward to part two as well; I’m sorry that your concerns were dismissed so offhandedly.

You’re safe here; welcome aboard, friend 🙂

Anonymous says:
May 17, 2010 at 12:21 PM

Squeaky,
If I remember correctly there was one female CA that missed AUG 07 gauntlet due to some unforeseen circumstances. so IF this was her gauntlet CA it is not that she didn’t care, but she simply was not on campus. But that doesn’t excuses the ACA for shamming anyone with an injury because they cannot run.

Eric P. says:
May 17, 2010 at 1:47 PM

Ashley– This is a fascinating case study of the (mis)use of religious jargon as a form of manipulation. I’m so sorry you had to go through this!

@Squeaky– That must have been quite an interesting explanation! “Now, I realize this may look like a duck, sound like a duck, and walk like a duck, but I assure you it’s merely a common American Mallard…” XD

Stephanie says:
May 17, 2010 at 7:02 PM

I am so, so sorry you had to go through this. I can not stand the way the TM claims that their way of lumping people in to groups (core, corperate, job placement) is god-led. It’s not, it’s simply convenience.

Anonymous says:
May 17, 2010 at 7:44 PM

So “gauntlet core” is not the same core that you live with the rest of your year? When I was there (99-00). You were immediately assigned a room and core. We had gauntlet, but we ran it with our core and others in a group. Gauntlet was more a introduction to TM (exercise, obstacle courses etc.) and job selection time. Are similar people placed in a core? How is it decided now who is in what room? We were just randomly assigned.

Anonymous says:
May 17, 2010 at 8:48 PM

Cores are assigned randomly during gauntlet which is still an introduction to TM (exercise, obstacle courses etc.) and job selection time. After all the interns are given a ministry placement at the end of gauntlet they are also reassigned to cores based on what shift they work. The logic behind this is that if a core is all one shift it is easier to coordinate activities like core, classes, ect. It also creates almost two different worlds on campus, the A shift and B worlds. If you are A shift you could go the entire year without really getting to know anyone working B shift.


Here is something to think about…

While I am not claiming that the way people at TM are placed in groups is God led, I think we have to be careful if we assume that just because something is done deliberately rather than randomly that it cannot be God led. Placing people in ministry placements because of their abilities and gifting can be God led. However, as a professional working in HR (outside of TM) I can see how TM needs to better ascertain ones abilities before placing them in a job. As I interview people for jobs I would hope that what I am doing is in God’s will. However, I do not think it would be wise to randomly select people and hope that God will give me the right people. Random selection does not equal God’s leading. If it were that easy I would be out of a job.

Recovering Alumni says:
May 18, 2010 at 12:35 AM

Last Anon – I definitely agree with you there. I think the problem is the way TM presents it as, “We sought God and He told us exactly where to put you for your ministry placement and core.” We all know that is not how it works (especially after hearing many people tell us the behind the scenes on the decision making process).

God can definitely orchestrate those things. Without a doubt. But the way its told to the interns is deceptive and (I would guess) designed to keep them from questioning anything. Nevertheless, I think you’ve stated an important clarification. 🙂

Jessica says:
January 22, 2012 at 10:19 PM

“but at this time I was tired of every minute of every day being scripted for me”

When my best friend came home for a couple of weeks after 8 months at the HA, I remember her being jittery. When I asked her why, she said it was because “it’s so weird not to have to be somewhere…Every second of every day, I have to be somewhere. I feel like I’m going to get in trouble.”

No, definitely not the worst anyone has experienced at HA, but enlightening for me…I know re-adjusting to the real world from a “bubble” environment is always difficult…but wow.